When to Fight

Cy got in a fight yesterday.  We have been telling him since he was 2, "What's your job Cyrus?"  He was taught to reply, "To keep Livvy safe."  His Dad wanted him to carry a sense of responsibility toward his younger siblings.  Well, when the boys came it became, "What's your job Cyrus?"  His reply, "To keep my brothers and sister safe." 

The few times I have seen Cyrus get physical with anyone have usually revolved around the fact that a sibling was threatened.  One time I glanced out our kitchen window to check on the kids in our fenced in backyard.  A neighbor boy Cy's age (5 at the time) actually had wrapped his arms around Liv and was going to carry her out of the yard.  I wasn't sure what was happening but I saw Liv fussing and trying to get away and then I heard Cy say, "Put MY SISTER down!"  The boy laughed and would not let my screaming Livvy go.  That was enough for me I was making a beeline for the door when I saw Cy go up and hit the boy in the face.  He dropped Liv and went running for home.  I didn't know what to think.  I mean we don't hit right?!

Well, when my husband got home I told him what happened, he clapped Cy on the shoulders and said he was proud of him for standing up for the weaker person and for protecting his sister.  He warned him that sometimes there might be consequences, but some things are worth standing up for no matter the cost.

Thankfully we now live in an isolated area out in the country.  Sometimes I let Tyke run around with Cy in the yard, while Ryan is in the barn.  Tyke loves hanging out with his "big brother" and it makes life easier for everyone when the boys get lots of exercise.  Last night was one of those nights, but it also happened to coincide with the weekend the nearest neighbor's children were visiting for their every other weekend visit with their Dad.  They are usually good kids and often find their way over here. 

I thought it was strange that Tyke came in without Cy after a short while.  Tyke told me Cy said it was time for him to come inside.  In just a few more minutes Cy came inside and laid down on the couch and he was quietly crying.  I asked what was wrong and he said he did not want to talk about it.  I encouraged him to talk about it anyway once Tyke started jabbering about hitting.

Cy's Story.  "You know how I'm supposed to keep my family safe right?  Well, Rex (Neighbor's kid 2 years older than Cy) was playing rough with Tyke and he made him cry like 10 times!  I told him how you don't like us wrestling and not to hurt Tyke.  Rex jumped and kicked me right in the stomach!"  I thought he was done, but he was only getting started.  "Well, I used my karate and I pinned him to the ground so he couldn't roll away and I said, 'MOM doesn't let us play like that!' As soon as I let up a little he hit me in the face and he was kicking me."  It was then I noticed the swollen area next to Cy's right eye.  Remain calm Momma I told myself.    Well, he was beating me so bad, and I am sorry, but I just couldn't walk away!  He was acting like he was going to hurt Tyke and telling Tyke to hit me so I told Tyke to go inside.  He started going after Tyke then I just decided that I was going to stay in it!"  Sobs were shaking his body as he sounded so disappointed. 

At this point I was in shock.  The neighbor boys, on the weekends we see them are usually quiet and sweet, even helpful. "He hurt you? Honey, you should have come and got me."  "NO, MOM!  He didn't hurt me!  Well, a little bit, but I hurt him!  I punched him and kicked him till he fell down and I pinned him on the ground and held him there."  In my mind I saw the punches and kicks he had practiced till they were flawless in the DoJo.  He really loved the discipline of Karate.  Cy continued, "Then I jumped away really quick and I told him to get off my property since he couldn't follow the rules, and he ran away." 

Judge me if you like, but I had to hide a smile.  Seriously?  My (small for his age) 8 year old son took on a child 2 years older and a couple heads taller, to protect his brother and stand up for the rules.  Go boy!  Cy kept looking at Tyke during his speech, "You ok bubby?  You ok?"  Tyke seemed entirely unaffected by the whole thing, but just kept going and patting Cy on the arm. My thoughts are that of the 2 of them Tyke has probably witnessed more violence, so a young boys' fight would not seem like a huge deal to him.

I tried really hard to see it from Cy's point of view.  "Are you crying because you beat him up?"  No.  " Are you crying because he beat you up? "  NO!

"Mom, I didn't win!  He didn't win either!  It wasn't a tie!"  I was getting confused at this point until my precious son unfolded more of his heart.  "Mom, I hit and kicked my friend! "  I finally got where all the grief was coming from. 

Cy has been in Karate.  He has been taught that the best fights are the ones that never happen.  He has been taught that you cannot win a fight.  You can protect someone, but there is no such thing as winning a fight, because once it is reduced to fighting there is no winner.  Here in the heat of the battle (literally) Cy completely understood that message.  Not with a head knowledge, but with a heart knowledge.  I have to say that I have often questioned whether or not I wanted Cy in Karate and he is no longer in it, but at this moment I was really glad he had been taught that message.

I thanked Cy for protecting Tyke by sending him in and I hugged him and asked him if he would like to go over and talk to his friend (I was still struggling at this point because all of Cy's red marks were beginning to show up well at this point).  I took Cy over and Rex confirmed Cy's version of events.  The adults decided to talk separately while I watched the 2 friends put their heads together.  I found out later that they both said sorry.  Cy told him he was NEVER to wrestle and play rough in our yard again or he would not be allowed over and to Rex's credit he promised never to do it again either. 

We banned further visitation for this weekend as a consequence to the rule breaking and that was the end of it for now.  At least this way I know my own children can play on our property without threat of violence!  This is why we moved out of town.  Geesh!

I let Ryan handle the manly aspect of it and he said just as I expected him to, "Cy, you did the right thing.  You can't let someone bully your family, you can't let someone bully you."  Cy cried.  "He's my friend Dad! I hurt him."  "You did not want to Cy.  You tried to stay out of the fight right?"  His blonde head bobbed up and down sadly.  "Then I am proud of you."  As I tucked Cy in last night we prayed for Rex, he must have been in a funk to start a fight that way.

It has been our family goal since before our first child was born to teach our children that there is indeed a time to fight.  Although you don't start a fight, you don't walk away when the rights of the helpless are being trampled and when their well-being is in the balance.  You step into the fray and you be counted.  We always said we would teach our sons to be men who would stand for what was right no matter if they stood alone.  It started with us solemnly telling a chubby toddler it was his job to protect his tiny baby sister.  We have continued talking about the bigger message with Cy and Liv.  We have prayed about it with our kids, and to some extent its almost a family motto.  We stand up for what's right, even if it is going to hurt, and even if that means we stand up all alone.