Sometimes my Obie has confusing dreams. As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams. His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams. These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.
I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly. When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place. Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself. His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.
As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence. How did I know even what he wasn't saying?! He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer.
Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom. This was my precious son's idea. We talked for awhile. He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.
There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing. I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams. I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.
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