Dust in the Sunlight

   One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary.  I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be.  I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.

   Oh how I longed to let go at times.  In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me."  I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good.  Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake.  I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains.   I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process.  I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.

   I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day.  Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye.  Did that really happen?

   The same can be said for the beautiful moments.  I could not hang on.  All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences.  Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love.  They are all behind me.  I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls.   Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins.  That is all memory.  Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.

   As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns.  I realize today's challenge is for today.  I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today.  I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like.  I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago.  I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up.  Today's joys also belong to today.  Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment.  I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.

   As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this.  It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window.  I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too.