Sometimes I'd Rather Cuss than Pray

I have been praying A LOT.  If you aren't sure what about, then I invite you to read through my last 60ish posts.  

Today, the boys actually had a visit, and the 18 year old girl in me just wanted to have a cuss fest.  I feel like if they don't give a @#$% about protecting these kids than I am not going to give a @#$% about any of this either.  As I sorted through all the unruly and smart mouthed thoughts I was having I realized I am freakin' tired!  

Yep, I say freakin' sometimes.  You should pray for me, because sometimes... I say worse than that, but I am off subject again.

As I was saying, I am tired, and my big bro came through with all of his chill Hawaii guy wisdom (shhh don't tell him, he's just a Midwest transplant) .  "Mandy, maybe its OK to pass the baton for awhile."  He reminded me that I am not fighting flesh and blood.  He said, keep praying, but maybe all the prayer power doesn't have to come from me alone (I knew that).

So rather than give in to the teenager in me that wants to cuss out the man and assert myself, I called my pastor and enlisted his prayer support.  I am also going to ask any of you reading to pray for this case.

See, bio-mom has done some really bad things.  The kind of things that, if they could be proven, would permanently separate her from the boys.  However, it seems to me that no one in the place of authority has any interests in bringing those things up.  I think the biggest issue is the fear that it cannot be proven.

Today, I had to take Tyke to therapy right before his visit.  The therapist was gentle as we again, discussed his injuries and confusion.  She said, "I am so sorry that happened to you, Mommies shouldn't do those things."  At points, he only seemed interested in eating the play doh.  At points, he seemed to be ignoring her completeliy.  We left therapy and he cried for the next 40 minutes.  

Then... I had to take him to a visit.  He went from being angry and sad about the terrible things done to him to lighting up because it was her, and he loves her.    My fears run rampant.  I see the love.  I see his need for her approval.  I know he will continue to do whatever she wants in order to get that approval.  It could destroy him.  He has not seen her in nearly a month, but the connection is powerful for him.

I am told Bio-Mom is on a one strike system.  If she misses one more visit she does not get any visits until she goes before the judge again.  I think she is going before the judge soon.  

These are the issues I wrestle with:

I want her to miss the next visit.

I want the judge to be serious with the consequences.

I want him to read all the reports of abuse.

I want him to care about stopping it.

I want whoever is trying to cover up this abuse to be exposed or removed.

I want the boys protected from ever having to even see their abusers again.

I want the family member that just wants the boys for money exposed.

I want parental rights terminated.

I want these boys to be in my a home where they will be cherished forever.

I want all of my "I wants" crushed if they are not God's Will...

Please, please pray for these boys and for these battles that are not truly with people, but with the powers of darkness, because today I am tired.  Yes, I am praying, but there is a part of me that still just wants to cuss.