Maybe... Maybe Not.

The boys have been allowed to speak to their Mom by phone on a daily basis.  I have been very kind because I cannot and will not judge.  I am blessed by God to have the life I have. I think, because of my kindness she lets me know how things are going and her hopes etc.  A couple of days ago she said, "You probably won't have them very long.  My family is going to try and get them."  I let her know I understood and that was that.

Today she called to talk to me and let me know that court went well and the boys will be leaving in a week.  I do not know what to think as I would rather get updates from the caseworker.  Can I even trust what she is saying?  I don't know anything about her and so I am trying to just "hear" her without jumping to conclusions.

In truth my heart is a little sad because she may be right.  If they can be successfully placed with family that is what the courts aim for and I do understand that.  I am just sad because in one short week the boys have done so well.  Cyrus and Olivia have done so well.  Little has done a 180 in many of his bad habits and the older boys are doing so great with our lifestyle.

I feel a bit of frustration moving in.  I feel like detaching a little.  I did not want to be a foster parent, and now I really feel like I am one.  A foster parent is not a parent.  In the role of foster parent I feel like a glorified babysitter, and as much as we may love, and be kind, and train, and correct like parents, we do not get the payoff that comes from knowing that we will see the fruit of our investments some day. My heart is to blend my family with more children, not babysit someone else's.

:(  Sorry for the goofy sad face, but it says it all.