An Admission

Do you ever get sad and have no energy for life?  Do you ever feel like it's all meaningless? I am an optimist by nature so this is rare for me, but last week I was really struggling with Depression.  There I said it.  It's something I did not want to admit.  For me it felt like I was somehow saying that all of God's blessings were somehow not enough.  I was so disgusted with myself and I was just praying to snap out of it.  I finally got the depression commercial where the woman is a walking wind-up toy.  That is exactly how I was feeling!


I clean the house because I am supposed to... Blah.
I do schoolwork because I am supposed to... Blah.
I attend this event because I am supposed to, I smile because I am supposed to, and I snuggle my babies because I am supposed to.  Blah.  Blah. Blah.

My husband made one teeny tiny comment about my lack of motivation around the home (trust me it was apparent!) and I got mad and then sad and it all just burst out on him, and he took it like the manly man he is and very simply told me my feelings were ok.

I have really struggled because I felt like it wasn't ok to be so sad about an empty house when obviously that is in the higher plan for now.  I did not want to mention it to myself or anyone else.  In a way he kind of set me free in that moment.  I felt free to be sad at least between Ryan and me.

I am doing much better this week, and I learned one little thing about myself that I am acknowledging and accepting.  I like having a full house.  I like having kids spend the day, the night, whenever!  Even if they don't talk to me, it fills something in me.  I love having friends over and sharing our lives.  I am happiest when I am with people.  I draw energy from interaction.  I know there are people that draw energy from quiet reflection but not me.

Now, how to put a nice bow on it all?  Through this process the Lord is teaching me about who I am and what I need.  I am learning about what encourages me and what an amazing man I married.  My husband is my best friend.  When I am low he doesn't yell at me to get out of the silly hole I am in; he comes and holds my hand (at the kitchen counter) and tells me its okay.    In some way that helps me to be okay again.