Backwards

Today felt like a step backwards. I have seen it coming in increments.

 Loving gestures from Tyke have started to feel a little fake lately.  He acts like he is going to give me a sweet kiss then quickly goes overboard and it feels like an unruly dog is in my face.  He seems to want a hug and suddenly he is yanking me by my neck.

He has been playing with toys in ways that replay his past.

He wants held like a baby and works hard so no one else can get that spot.  Including demanding "his spot" back when he sees someone else getting attention.

He smashes his food, rips his food, licks his food, and pretends to be eating food from an empty fork, but he still tantrums when his plate is removed.

When he plays with the other kids he is disrespecting their things and invading personal space.

Even Tot has gone backwards a little.  Spinning and moaning to keep my attention on him.  I have been teaching for the last year to ask for "Help," instead of screaming.  "Help,"  he says it over and over and refuses to tell me what he needs help with.  He says, "Help" to keep me looking at him.  It has become a sound without meaning.

There has been a trauma trigger.  I left for a few days.  Today, Ryan has gone back to work after some vacation time.  I guess its probably that.  There is a part of me that really resists this kind of thing as the reason behind the behaviors.  It feels like that places the blame on externals instead of on person doing the behaviors.  Blame is not the ideal word, but I am grasping to put what I feel into words here.

They haven't had a visit in 3 weeks.  Maybe... Probably there is grief.  As traumatizing as the visits were they were still a connection to her.

I just had to pray today that God will come and help here.  I suppose there will always be these moments when I feel like this is too big for me.  I have to step back and remember to take it one step at a time.