Walking Through the Fire?

The boys went without fear. Thank you.  They trusted their unknown therapist.  Thank you.  She asked no questions...  What???  I was told that they don't want to ask leading questions so they just bring the kids back and let them talk about whatever they want to talk about.  The boys are two!!!  I will never understand this system.  Never.

On a good note.  The caseworker and advocate spoke with me and very strongly attempted to deliver the message that they believe the boys and they, the advocate and caseworker, will be doing everything they can to terminate rights.  My caseworker said, "You help them heal, we have lots of other reasons we can terminate here."  I told her my fear about the kids going back because of regular visitation.  She let me know that is a small thing compared to all b.m. isn't doing. 

Then later in the evening I get a call from the caseworker.  The boys have scratches and one has a red bottom and b.m. and grandma are accusing us of abuse.  They are accusing my husband of the old abuse that Tyke was running around the visit ranting about. They were saying he calls my husband by this name he was using.  Caseworker told me she was irritated with Bio-family and she was thinking it was just anger for them being questioned by investigators regarding the new claims right before the visit.

I explained how the boys get scratched up playing outside.  She knew that. The other "scratches" were some kind of rash Tot picked up by going through the Holly bushes by our back patio without a shirt on.  When she mentioned the red bottom I replied, "Well, Tot does have a bit of a rash because of all the swimming he has been doing.  He gets irritated by the swim diaper."  She told me my answer was perfect.  I answered quickly, without hesitation, and knew exactly which child she was referring to, and I gave a reasonable cause without being asked.  She still had to go and look the boys over

I know I needed to be still and trust, but I panicked a little.  I got everyone who knew anything at all praying.  I cried a little bit more.  I felt these accusations put my kids in jeopardy.

An hour later caseworker called me back.  She said the red bottom looked exactly like diaper rash.  She said that both she, the visit supervisor, and another person there all agreed.  She said the scratches on Tyke's back were all self-inflicted as evidenced by the angle and placement.   They were all around the lower sides of his back. She also told me I was right that the boys are rough and hurt themselves.  She said while she was there Tyke careened into her and accidentally scratched her face.

I guess that is done.  I hope so.  Ryan says if we get questioned by investigators we are done.  His words, "I don't care if people accuse me of things I do, I know who I am.  I hate being questioned about things I didn't and wouldn't do."  I get it.  It is a big insult. 

Our family is not one of those mighty families that can stand up to all they would throw at us and keep on keeping on for the kids.  I could walk through the fire alone, but I won't drag my kids through it if I can help it.  We have 2 children who need us and I don't want them scarred by being sent to foster care for 1 night or 2 weeks while we get investigated on very serious charges.  I know how slow the system works for the guilty and the innocent.  My babies aren't getting caught in it.

So as much as I love these boys, I can't commit to lose everything for them if that is what is necessary.  I pray God ends this case quickly.  The things Tyke has been saying lately let me know the bio-family in this case is violent, sick, and twisted.  I don't want pulled into their world.  I just want the boys pulled out. 

I know there are awful foster families out there.  I know these kids need to have hyper-vigilant protectors, but I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma.  I may not be cut out for all of this.  I don't know if my faith is strong enough for that kind of fire.  I hate being so painfully honest with myself, but it is the truth.