*I am sorry. This blog is not a victory dance. You are meeting with me in the midst of the battle, the struggle, the pain of growing. I know this somewhere deep. I am not a finished work. I am a work in progress. I would love to edit out all the parts that may make a reader uncomfortable, or may allow a reader to judge me. I love reading the blogs the flow from the hearts of beautiful women who love God and their children and they seem to really get it. I am not there yet. I am trusting God to get me there. I just wanted any readers to understand that before they proceed with this post...
I hate the feeling of going backward with my kids. That idea goes from the 8 year old on down. I hate the feeling that we have been here and done this and now we are rehashing it as if it was never learned.
With my foster babies it seems we get to go backwards a lot. I cannot even believe how much Tyke is pushing every button he can possibly push today. He has stolen food, decided to scream for hours (in lieu of napping of course), puked on himself on purpose twice today. I know you think I am making the puke thing up, but I am not people. It turns out if you make gagging noises enough to get attention and shove your finger down your throat if necessary puke will come up. Both times he did this when he was in time out. He called calmly to me. "I'm dirty, I'm dirty, get me up!" The second time I let the timer run its course and then gave him a shower.
I am just going to have a really honest moment here. I am tired! I don't have all these reserves of patience. I can't do this, I really, really can't! I wanted to take him over my knee. I had to stand and just breath through the desire.
There isn't just Tyke in this house and he should not be allowed to run the show. Baby wants held, and he wants a lot of attention now. Tot, wants to sit beside me everytime I sit down. I let him chatter while I get something done and he pats me lightly, then harder and harder until it is full-on hitting. He wants to touch everything I touch and he wants my full attention. Liv begs me for Mommy-Daughter time and I am always trying to fit that in too. Cy gets ignored unless he is helping out.
At least at night I get to curl up with my oldest boy. He's growing up so fast and his wise thoughts bless me tremendously, but I digress.
So here I am in "Backwards Land" trying to learn how to be okay with it. I am trying to learn how to have a functioning home when a couple of the children in it seemed determined that all will not be calm... EVER. They both have some of the alphabet attached to their profiles now. A string of letters that says, these boys brains don't work like other kids. Yet, I still believe it can be okay. They can be so refreshingly precious and normal and I feel like grieving when it all falls apart again.
I pray, "Jesus change me." I pray, "Jesus change them," because if things stay the way they are I can't do this. I really, really, can't.
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