In the quiet room with somber people nothing much was said or done today. Of course.
Bio Mom failed to show up for a team meeting yesterday and no one brought it before the judge.
Bio Mom perjured herself about where she was when she missed drug testing and no one called her on it.
She also perjured herself on the amount of hours she claimed she was working at her new job.
She was sentenced to a couple weekends in jail for failing to follow the judge's previous orders for her.
She was ordered to complete parenting classes.
She was ordered to complete a drug treatment program.
She is expected to continue visitation, drug testing, efforts to find housing, and working her job (Which she claims she works from 6:15 to 5:15 everyday for the last few weeks although the place of employment reports she has worked a total of 29.5 hrs since starting).
The caseworker asked me why we were present at court today. I asked if her if we were not supposed to be there. "Oh No!" she said, "You have a right to be here I just wasn't expecting you." It felt weird. I have received no less than 3 emails within the last 2 days from the caseworker telling me to keep good reports so she can give them to another family should the children leave my home. She is also continuing to remind me that others are concerned that foster families can sabotage reunification efforts (if only that were actually possible), so I need to be very careful about how I handle things. She also continues to let me know that none of the abuses reported to the hotline are substantiated even though she believes me.
I also follow Cherub Mamma, her posts are breaking my heart and I am questioning why I am doing any of this.
I want to do what the Lord has called me to and I am going to ask him to speak very specifically to me regarding all of this. I am ready to call our licensing worker and tell her to sign us up for the adoption only track.
I WON'T do any of this if God tells me to be still and wait, but I still feel like we are supposed to adopt. I still do not feel right about walking away from that calling, but I don't know if my heart will be able to handle touching the danger again only to hope this time it will be different. I do not think I will be able to do that. So I am trying to decide if the caseworker is trying to keep me nervous and in line while she does whatever wrong thing she wants or if this is just all a part of the journey.
More rambling...
Yesterday I was looking at Liv's baby pictures from when she was 5 months old. The boys have been with us longer than that. It struck me the unconscious ownership of my baby girl that I felt. I never marked the feeling and named it as such. It just was. I looked at Baby. As much as I love him I have NEVER felt that for him. Facts are facts, he is not mine and the moments when love for him overwhelms me it is ALWAYS accompanied by guilt and restraint. I cannot love him like he is mine, I think. He is not mine. Sometimes I give in and fantasize a little about being able to introduce them as my boys. It lasts mere minutes, reality is always there reminding me of the truth of things.
If I felt Cy and Liv were in danger I would leave this country and never look back if that is what it took. I would never do that with these boys. I don't have that right. They are not mine.
I know for my family we cannot walk this road paved in question marks again. This is the worst case of child abuse I have ever encountered and there is no real protection for these boys save what God would divinely inspire. To this point, God has not chosen to terminate that sacred right of parenthood belonging to Bio Mom. He may even now, be allowing and orchestrating another opportunity for redemption in this family. His mercies are so great to me, I cannot question His wisdom and righteousness in doing it for another, no matter the sins committed. I am only sure of one thing, if he wants me to adopt OTHER children than it is not in our future children's best interest or mine to hang on to the bitter end in this case.
This is where my mind is today. It's a place in time. I do not know if it will have bearing on tomorrow or not. I will pray. I only know where I am right now.
I also follow Cherub Mamma and after reading your post it really drives home the fact that the so called system, which is really only a large group of people, at times doesn't seem to value foster parents very much. I have yet to show up at court because the social workers always make me feel that there is absolutely no reason for me to be there.
ReplyDeleteWe are expected to care for our foster children, treat them as family and remain in the dark about the direction these little human beings are headed? We are judged if we care too much or become over attached. I am finding it a very fine line to balance on right now.
I LOVE the children I have cared for and don't think twice about laying down my life for them, but navigating the "system" is extremely difficult.
My husband and I are considering opening up our home to foster children in hopes of adopting at some point, our home is in need of little voices, toys and messes, and miscarriage has left me with the fear of never having my own blessing that even if temporary having little ones in the home will fill a void.
ReplyDeleteThe reality is that almost all of these sweet innocent souls are damaged and in need of nothing but love, reading blogs of fellow fosterers it pains me in thinking I may not be strong enough to keep up the their not mine mentality.
I admire your strength......and pray GOD has their greatest needs in the works.
You have such a healthy and positive attitude about it all. I wish I were able to remember better that "our" daughter isn't really ours, despite that fact that we're the only family she knows. We already know that our family, too, will not be able or willing to walk the unknown road again after things are resolved either way with our foster daughter. I don't have the time to commit to the job that is fostering (never really knew the time involved before starting) and I don't have the emotional fortitude or feel the calling to do this to our family (bio kids included!) over and over. We are praying for "ours" to become really ours, and then we'll do adoption of kids whose parent rights are already terminated after that. I look forward to reading more about your family's journey.
ReplyDelete