I have been going back and forth on this one and I would appreciate your feedback.
The boys call me Mom and/or Mommy, I refer to myself as Mommy Manda now. When they first came they called me by my name and they cried for their Mom, calling her Mommy.
About a month into care both boys started calling me "Mommy." I remember distinctly that it was first used by Tyke right after he heard Cy and Liv talking to me and (of course) referring to me as "Mommy." A short time later Tot also took up calling me "Mommy." I really felt uncertain about it when they began calling their b.m. by her first name only.
I began to take care to make sure I was referring to her as "Mommy S" and that I referred to myself as "Mommy Manda." Then Tyke began to talk more and more about the variety of abuses he was forced to endure and, I will be honest, I no longer cared that he called her by her first name only. The things he (only a 2 year old) claims she and other family members have put him through would be better classified as torture. I just no longer cared about preserving that precious relationship.
The investigator heard the boys ask for me and refer to me as "Mommy" last week. He let the caseworker know he is concerned that there is a blurring of lines with the boys calling me by this moniker. Even though I have no respect for b.m. at this point I went back to carefully referring to her as Mommy S and referring to myself as Manda.
Shortly thereafter Tyke had his awful days. The ones I posted about last where I just was at my wits end to parent him. I think I was triggering his fears of abandonment by calling myself by my name rather than referring to myself as "Mommy Manda."
After those awful days I went back to calling myself "Mommy Manda" I went back to letting him call her by her first name and he seems much better.
I cannot bring myself to tear down my relationship with the boys in order to elevate b.m.'s relationship. She should never, ever, be their Mommy again. This should NOT be an issue. If the investigators would actually care about uncovering the truth they would EASILY see this for themselves.
I am just not sure what to do, but here is what I think. If the boys get reunified with that family, the name they called me will be the least of their concerns.
Maybe I am wrong. What do you think?
Everyone that would matter in my case refers to me as Mommy in front of our girls. I am the only one that doesn't-ha! Since we don't have bio children, I feel uncomfortable-especially right at the beginning referring to myself that way. We only take infants, though, so it is different than your situation. If it is a comfort to your little guy, personally, I would let him call you what he wants. If we had bio children, I would probably make a half-hearted attempt to call myself something else, but as soon as they hear the others saying, "Mommy" and say it on their own, I wouldn't discourage it.
ReplyDeleteI think it is OK for you to be "Mommy" or "Mommy Manda" and for the other lady to be "Mommy S". Our boys understand and I feel like they embrace the fact that they have two moms...our situation is a little bit different. However they also did call me my first name for the first almost 2 years they lived with us...only when it began looking like reuinification wasn't going to happen did I ask/allow them to start calling me Mommy. I don't know what state you live in but it sounds like it is really messed up. :(
ReplyDeleteIn our training, we were told to let the children call us by the name that they are comfortable calling us. Our foster kids started calling us mommy and daddy the first day that they were in our house. When you have other children at home, I think it is inevitable that young ones will call you that. I think using Mommy Manda and Mommy S is perfect. Our 4YO foster son refers to his bio mom as his "other mommmy" and our 2YO foster daughter doesn't refer to them because I don't think she remembers them anymore. Even if you are not legally mommy, you are the only mommy they have right now.
ReplyDeleteOur foster daughter is 26 months and calls us Mommy and Daddy or Mama and Dada, because our bio kids do. The workers all know that, but I make a point to tell them that I encourage her to call her bio parents "Mom" and "Dad". We are hoping to adopt (we've had her 19 months now) and I feel good knowing that we are Mommy and Daddy, while the others are Mom and Dad, which seems much less affectionate to me, but seems to satisfy the social worker.
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