Some News

I got some news.  This is going to be fast and messy because I have an appointment.

First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour.  It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.

Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently.  I love them so and it is such an easy love.  I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear.  When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this."  I feel bad admitting that.  I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.

Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today.  He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year.  They would really like to see it happen in November.  They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013. 

The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids.  After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her.  She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause."  The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).

That part makes me sad.  There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough."  She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.

With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible.   At least that is what I am told.  I will believe it when I actually see something official.  At this point it's all talk.

With the call from the advocate I do have hope today.  When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me.  I don't want things easy.  I want all of my kids to stay right here.  I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way. 

Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit.  The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days.  I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing.  All I can do is pray.  I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.

So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.