My caseworker and I were chatting during her visit to my home on Saturday and she let me know that her week had been stressful. She had to remove children from a foster home because it was discovered the family was spanking the kids. She started to call it abuse and then stopped herself and just said it was against the rules.
I wonder sometimes if I don't get more angry and frustrated because a thump on the bottom is not allowed. It seems when crazy breaks loose in this house all 4 older children are in on it. I can't just swat the bottom of the first child that snatches a toy and runs for dear life. I have to give this child much more of my time and attention in order to do anything but spank. Unfortunately there is no removing a triggered child from the situation and knowing the other 3 are fine. I get so frustrated trying to come up with behavior modification techniques CONSTANTLY and still trying to keep tabs on the others. It seems like I get one modified only to have to turn around and modify someone else. I end up feeling like all I do on some days is issue threats and follow through on them. Yes, I praise good behavior and yes, I attempt to redirect, but sometimes those little blessings are just nasty to one another!
As a toddler Cy was easy, he got warnings, timeouts, and occasionally a swat for dangerous or downright rebellious behavior. His goal was to please me so he was fairly well-behaved. Liv was my strong-willed baby. When she was two I became so exasperated at all of her defiant and dangerous behaviors. If she was behaving very badly I would often resort to spanking, but by that point I was angry because I had waited too long to establish my God-given authority over her actions. I learned to apply a measured swat to the bottom before I was so frustrated that I was just venting my anger on her tiny bottom. Olivia learned the line and her behavior improved dramatically.
Fast-forward to the present and here I am with toddlers again and the old ways of doing things are out. I have literally felt like I was wrestling sometimes to enforce a time-out. I have had to put them back and put them back and put them back after they jump up from that spot. No, I have not always put them back super gently. Tyke will do everything wrong he can in 30 seconds if he suddenly decides he wants my attention. He goes into a Tasmanian Devil routine and literally spin around the room snatching toys and throwing them to the floor, jumping on the furniture and throwing his body into people and things. Oh how I wish I could swat his bottom in those moments. I like to think of it as a "snap out of it" swat. Alas, as a foster parent I am not permitted this means of correction. I am sure there are many, many, families who have taken it too far so all foster parents are forced to follow these guidelines.
In some ways I get it, I really do. I have read Parenting the Connected Child. I understand about the child needing to feel they are in a safe place and I so want my children to feel that safety, but dangerous actions without any fear of consequences place children in greater danger.
Sometimes, unruly children put parents in impossible situations. I have been there many times. Today, the play therapist decided she wanted to go on an outing with us. She offered to take Baby and Tot to the car for me at the end of our outing while I gathered up our things. Not too hard as my babysitter had already loaded Tyke into his seat. I laughed as she attempted to hold Baby, work the gate and hold Tot's hand. He jerked his hand from hers and dashed into the parking lot full of cars. Yes, play therapist, I thought, "Welcome to my world." Tot has no fear of cars because he is too young to understand and he does not fear punishment because there will be no spanking and timeouts are not an effective form of correction when he is going to be strapped into a car seat anyway. Foster parents may not use any form of restraint on the children and so we risk Tot's death in order to protect his self-esteem.
The times when I have felt the most strongly about spanking have always involved one child abusing the rights of safety for another child. This behavior always results in timeouts and when the offender will not stay in timeout while the injured child is screaming from the pain of a vicious bite mark, yes, I have definitely wanted to have a come to Jesus moment with the offender's bottom.
Someone asked me a couple days ago about how my children were handling sharing my attention. They are doing very well sharing my attention. I prepared them for the reality of the changes many many times. What I failed to prepare them for was the many times they would be physically hurt. I failed to prepare myself. In those moments when chaos reigns I struggle to keep my anger in check so the boys won't be afraid. Fear surrounds me. My kids are afraid because playing nice does not mean they won't get hurt. I am afraid because I recognize I can't keep them all from getting hurt, and the boys are afraid because they are in a house that is full of screaming again. Even if they are the ones who caused the screaming to begin with.
I am rambling a bit now, but my point is there is a lot that goes into parenting hurt children and perfection is unattainable, but whatever you do DON'T swat their bottoms for heaven's sake.
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