Mama Love

     Mama love is different than your average run of the mill love.  Mama love can laugh when a toddler pulls out all of the toilet paper in the bathroom.  Mama love smiles and chides when a curious toddler puts their hand through the butter stick.  Mama love doesn't feel angry when a toddler screams because he can't force the wrong end of Legos together.  Mama Love doesn't mind a toddler running out the door even after you have said no.  Mama love doesn't fight the urge to push a child away that screams in their face. Mamas teach and nurture and cuddle.  Right???

Maybe its been too long since my kids were this little. I know I got irritable with them.  I know the toddler years were hard, but some days I feel like I am just pushing through a swamp of irritation.  Maybe its because there are 2 little boys so close in age and they are both very hard.

I feel guilty because I don't feel like I have Mama Love for Tyke and Tot.  Oh, I love them.  I want them protected and I want them happy. Most days I would even adopt them if I could. But... What if Mama love doesn't kick in? I don't know anyone who has adopted who will talk about this.  When does it kick in?  If it hasn't kicked in by now will it ever kick in?


I do find it easy to love on either boy when we are just one-on-one.  I just can't handle the constant barrage of irritations very well and it is hampering my ability to attach to the boys in a way that would be the most beneficial for them.

Here is a quick example.  Tonight, as I prepared to take the boys to bed, Tyke complained and Tot ran away as fast as he could. I go and collect Tot, correct and teach, head for the stairs again. Tot has become willing to cooperate so now Tyke decides his legs no longer work.  Tyke does not want to go upstairs. I encourage, correct, and resign myself that he will not do this without screaming.  We walk up the stairs agonizingly slow so Tyke can have his fit and Tot won't run off again because I am not holding his hand.

Time to brush teeth.  I put toothpaste on Tyke's toothbrush as Tot heads to the toilet to dip his hand.  I stop teeth brushing, stop Tot's toilet exploring, correct and redirect.  Now we resume teeth brushing.  Tot tries to leave the bathroom.  I think where is Ryan!? I stop Tot and have him sit in the bathroom chair and I resume tooth brushing.  After I finish, I start Tot's teeth and Tyke picks up the bathroom sink stool and runs around with it.  Tot screams in anger because Tyke is moving his stool and Tyke just runs.  I stop brushing teeth and correct the behavior. 
We finally get teeth brushed and now it is time for fresh diapers and body lotion.  Tyke screams the whole time that he did not poop, as if that has something to do with the need for fresh diaper.  Tot, thankfully holds relatively still.  Tyke decides he wants to sit on the potty before getting dressed so I lotion Tot's body and hair.  Tot complains LOUDLY that he is cold.  This gets Tyke considering the idea and before any lotion (warm by the way) touches his skin he begins crying about being cold.  Tot, peaceful for now, gazes at his crying brother.

I have forgotten to bring pj's into the bathroom so we head for the bedroom to gather pj's.  The smell of freedom as we leave the bathroom ignites another fresh round of protests.  I set the boys down and pull out some pjs.  Both boys begin jumping on the bed and Tot yanks one of my daughter's sticker butterflies off her wall.  I correct Tot and he screams at me.  Tyke cries that he is not tired and Tot makes spitting noises so I will know he is mad at me.  I am able to get Tyke dressed fairly easily, while Tot makes it more of a wrestling match.  No screaming or crying at least.  Tyke, sensing my distraction, makes a beeline for the door and downstairs.  I am able to capture the wily 2 year old, but not before the previously content baby is able to catch a glimpse of me NOT with him.  Now Baby is crying, Tot is crying, Tyke is crying.  "I NO WAN GO BED!'  The boys quickly decide they are done crying, but Baby continues to cry through prayer time and the obligatory "Jesus Loves Me."  (On a side note... It feels very strange to sing Jesus loves me directly proceeding a wrestling match and while listening to Baby sob as if I may never pick him up again.)  I tell the boys goodnight and that I love them.  I escape to sobbing Baby.

Good news!  I only have 3 more children to do the bedtime thing with and a kitchen to clean.  Okay, you got me, the kitchen is still messy.  I wanted to blog.

These little scenes take place all the time.  I am tired and experiencing the frustrations only irrational toddlers can provide.  I don't get the chance to focus as much as I would like on bonding, I am just trying to keep everyone alive, healthy, safe, and feeling cared for.  I a

I am no saint by any means.  The behaviors get to me after a while and I start getting really irritated and my bad attitude makes me question if I have the real Mama Love for these boys.