Mad and Sad

I am struggling to get started here because I am kind of covered in a hard shell right now, but I can tell I have a lot of mad and sad inside of there.  If I don't get it out, its going to just separate me from those I need to love on.

I'm mad.  I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe.  They could go back to a family member in just a few days.  This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt.  Where was she then?  I am mad about that.

I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job.  It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.

I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter.  As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another.  This has been going on since the beginning of November.  I have no energy.  It is hard to climb the stairs.  My arm gets tired burping the baby!  On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc.   I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful.  That used to be me!

The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day.  I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor.  Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"

And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad.  That is me being different?!   My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing.  I am changing and I don't like it.  Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction.  Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.

This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things.  This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together.  This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly.  I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much).  This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.

This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make.  He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."

I know the old me is still in there.  Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too.  I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels.  I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face!  I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!

So could you all please pray for me?  Please pray for my health.  I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick.  I want my smiley energetic self back please!

I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once.