One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama. At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama. I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?" It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family. Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed.
Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy. I just wanted people to like us! Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.
Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi. We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day. Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations
One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church. We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area. Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit. It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.
As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home. The children's program has also worked very well for our family. Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together. How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.
Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi. I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.
At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues. That was a mistake.
I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor. Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him. The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down. Never did they call his family. That was upsetting. One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."
It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical. As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment. As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated. Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.
I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story. I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.
We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him. Add to his history his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.
Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue. Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others. He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.
By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray. The way it all happened was unfortunate, but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church.
Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program. Children are separated by age. The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli. I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big. "Look at those big lights Chi!" I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!" I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are lot of NICE people Chi!" Chi calmed as we walked through this little process. Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids.
I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues. She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time. It was a great experience for all of us. I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.
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