Day 7

The crazy thing is I have absolutely zero control over how Chi will respond to any given stimuli.  No, really I can't control it.  All I can do is control me.  So that is where I am at right now
  I am on day 7 of controlling me.

I have done A LOT of things right with my boys.   See, I  am growing!  I did not even used to give myself that much credit.  Seriously though, by God's power alone I have done a lot right, but I don't focus on that.

I have a dark fear-filled place that tells me I  inadequate.   It tells me I must find a solution to whatever problem is in front of me NOW!  It tells me that if I fail in this moment I may fail them forever.  It is that insecurity that has pushed me toward constant problem solving.  Sometimes I am a genius and sometimes I am just reacting.

All 5 of my kids can have a bad day, push buttons,  be difficult, create chaos,  but Chi is more work than the other 4 put together.  For some reason his mind sees danger, fear, and loss in nearly any tiny difficulty. You cannot love him out of it, you cannot pray him out of it, you cannot punish him out of it.  This is where he lives.   Some days are better and some environments are better, but there is no formula to fix Chi.  You just have to love him formula free.

Chi was made to shut that voice up in me.  The one that says "solve this NOW."  I have been relinquishing the IDEA of control for 2 years.  I think I will always be in the process of relinquishing that idea.  It takes all of my children,  but especially my Chi, to help me remember that control is an illusion.

W