I'm Listening

Sometimes life is hard.  Okay, lots of times life is hard, and I hate it when it starts to feel like we are in similar situations over and over again.  I have been feeling like that with one of my precious little ones.  I remembered a lesson I heard once.  If you don't figure out why God keeps bringing you to a similar place you are bound to end up back in that place over and over and over again.

Then I heard a speaker through Ted X (You'll have to put that in YouTube if you are curious because I came across it randomly) and she was talking about the same idea.  When God brings hard things into our lives our job is to ask him for his lesson in that hard thing.  If we can just get the lesson oftentimes we can MOVE ON from a hard place.  Moving on can take a lot of forms, maybe I will move on literally, mentally, or emotionally, but I won't stay feeling trapped in a painful place.

Long story short, or I will never publish.  I asked God what the lesson was in my struggles with Tot.  I felt/heard him say, "Listen."  Several times since then he has confirmed that message.

I struggle with hearing "innappropriate displays" of discomfort.  Too often I want to shut it down and end my discomfort.  I have taken that lesson to heart.  I have had to force myself at times to say, "I'm listening," when I want to say, "Stop screaming."  I am seeing a huge difference in him.  Even some of the antics that aren't about just screaming in fear or anger.  If I say, "I heard you say you saw a tractor."  Then Tot stops screaming about the tractor he just saw.  If I say, "I hear you saying you are thirsty," then he stops moaning and twisting and banging himself into me.  Even when I can't get to it right away it is helping him so much when I hold his little hand and look in his face and just say, "I'm listening." 

Thank God that He gets me even better than I do. 

No Papoose for My Boy

We got to go to the dentist again today.  Poor Tyke has 5 cavities.  The dentist told me they are not like the rotten cavities you would normally see.  His crowns have some developmental issues so they are open where they should be closed... or something like that.  Tyke did not take even this simple exam well.  He kept telling the dentist.  "You're hurting me, and pushing his hands away."  The dentist was super nice and did nothing to hurt my Tyke.

Regardless, these have to be filled.  He described different ways we can handle my fearful boy.  He said if he fights at all they will have to wrap him up papoose style.  Excuse me?  No way.  I said, "Do you need him to be able to breathe through his nose while you work? ...  Yes?  Okay, you will not be able to trap him like that.  Let me tell you some of this boy's history.............................  So you see if you wrap him up like that he will transform, he will scream and cuss, and puke.  There will be no breathing through the nose.  There will be snot everywhere.  What else can you do?"

The dentist was very understanding and Tyke is going to undergo anesthesia.  I wish there was another way, but if I ever want Tyke to go to the dentist with only a normal amount of apprehension we cannot start out his dental health life on this particular note.

Later, I met up with my caseworker since I was nearby.  She is moving to assessment and I will be getting a new caseworker.  She will still handle the termination trial I guess.  She said they have tons of paperwork showing the need for termination.  During the pre-trial the defense handed over one document.  It was the certificate for the parenting class that both bio-mom and bio-grandma went to.  Both of them missed too many classes, which DC$ has noted in their files, but for some reason they were issued the certificate anyway. 

Caseworker is very confident.  Court for bio-mom is going forward as scheduled.  Caseworker said complete termination may not be final until the end of March, due to absent father paperwork, but she is certain it will all be done at that time.  She expects this case to move to the adoption side of things at the end of this month.  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

Ya'll I am SO EXCITED!  This may actually happen.  I may actually really and truly get to be their forever mama!

Cy's Dream

Cy had a dream when he first learned to ride a bike.  He remembered it tonight as we had our nightly chat at bedtime. 

" Mom do you remember the dream I had when I rode a bicycle?  I rode my bike up to heaven and God was there.  There were all these people who were good at different things.  They were in God's army.  Then I saw the devil and he had a big army too.  They were coming after us. 

God made a really big ramps and I rode my bike up on them and jumped off and banged it into the devil's teeth.  Then God took the devil down and the army crowded around helping.  God and the devil were like 50 feet tall!  The rest of us were normal though.  They were really huge ramps."

Me - "What made you remember that dream Cy?"

"Well, we were talking about what our purpose is and I remembered that dream.  Do you think it was from God?"

Me- "Cy I think there is a good chance that dream was from God.  Because it doesn't matter what you are good at, even if it's riding a bike, if you are willing to use that for God than he can use you in his army."

"Is God using me right now?" 

"Yes, everytime you love on your little brothers and you pray for them God is using you.  I see the way Tyke lights up and looks so confident when you show him good attention.  God is using you right now to help Tyke see that he is special, that he can do things.  You don't have to wait for God to give you your purpose someday.  God is using you for a purpose right now."

I was rewarded with a big smile.  "That's cool Mom, that God is using me for my brothers RIGHT now."

Then a Conviction Bulldozer arrived on the scene.  Tot, my precious, challenging, nerve-wracking boy, he is my calling RIGHT now.  God is using me for Tot right now and too often I feel like running from my role instead of embracing it.  If I am willing to do what I can do God can use me in his army right now.  He can use me for Tot.  He IS using me for Tot.  God needs me to love him and build him up, to train him and mold him so that he will understand that he is precious, specifically made by God to do good, and to help him understand that he is filled with inherent worth because he is created in God's image.  I want to help him understand that he was created by God, for God, because God has a plan for him.   

Thank you God for Cy and our little talks. 

Better

I am so thankful for good weather so the kids can go out and play.  We broke the cycle of me trying to get something done followed by one of the kids (usually Tot) coming to me crying mad about something. At the start of the day yesterday I feared I was in for more of the same.  I had tried playing in the garage with them, but that wasn't helping enough. 

Then sunshine and warmer temps kicked in and the kids spent hours yesterday, jumping, rolling, climbing, and just all around happy.  Even Mister Tot was grinning and running.  He's such a happy boy in open spaces.  Yesterday was a nice reprieve from the cabin fever that was setting in.

There are a few developments important around here.

  First, Liv lost both of her front teeth yesterday.  There was a Cy/Liv collision involving jumping and fists.  Cy didn't intend to harm Liv.  They were playing all happy and bouncy and to put it in Cy's words, "My fist went in her mouth and her teeth kinda went all sideways."  There was blood and crying (the teeth were loose anyway), but since my daughter has strong feelings about things and she completely absolved her brother I am certain there were no intentions to harm that I missed in the interchange.  My girl is happy and $2 richer!


Second, Cy and Ryan had their birthday!  Ryan and I had decided that birthdays needed to become small family affairs now.  The last few parties I tried to plan were stress-filled for all of us. When my kids are grown I don't want them to remember me running around trying to make everything perfect for our guests and shooing them off to do other things.  I want them to remember their birthdays as a time when their parents and siblings made a big deal about them... not the party.  Celebrations now involve, your choice of restaurant, your favorite desert, and a small gift from every member of the family.  If we had our extended family nearby I would include them, but we don't so this is what works for us.

It really turned out well.  The nice weather put everyone in a good mood.  Ryan had his day to choose a restaurant already, so Cy chose our local Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.  He was shoving in egg rolls and grinning from ear to ear.  My favorite line at the restaurant was when it was getting time to leave.  Cy said, "But I don't think I've had all I can eat yet."  That's my Cy.  "All you can eat" is a challenge.

 It wasn't too hard to get him to let go since there was a favorite desert at home.  We got home and every person handed out their gifts to Daddy and Cy.  Even Baby toddled over and handed a gift to Daddy and a gift to Cy. We sang the birthday song and had our choice of TWO deserts.  A pumpkin pie with a big number 9 candle in the center and one candle-free Chocolate Cherry Cake (Ryan prefers no blowing/spitting to happen over his desert choice).  Then we all just hung out and were silly together.  Ryan didn't leave to get anything done and neither did I.  If I had to compare it to the Disney World birthday complete with dining in the castle with princesses I would say this was just as good.  Maybe... Better.

Endless

Baby's not feeling well.

The little boys are demanding today.

The house needs cleaned.

My stomach hurts.

Liv and Cy still need to get school today.

I am the hamster in the wheel.

Backwards

Today felt like a step backwards. I have seen it coming in increments.

 Loving gestures from Tyke have started to feel a little fake lately.  He acts like he is going to give me a sweet kiss then quickly goes overboard and it feels like an unruly dog is in my face.  He seems to want a hug and suddenly he is yanking me by my neck.

He has been playing with toys in ways that replay his past.

He wants held like a baby and works hard so no one else can get that spot.  Including demanding "his spot" back when he sees someone else getting attention.

He smashes his food, rips his food, licks his food, and pretends to be eating food from an empty fork, but he still tantrums when his plate is removed.

When he plays with the other kids he is disrespecting their things and invading personal space.

Even Tot has gone backwards a little.  Spinning and moaning to keep my attention on him.  I have been teaching for the last year to ask for "Help," instead of screaming.  "Help,"  he says it over and over and refuses to tell me what he needs help with.  He says, "Help" to keep me looking at him.  It has become a sound without meaning.

There has been a trauma trigger.  I left for a few days.  Today, Ryan has gone back to work after some vacation time.  I guess its probably that.  There is a part of me that really resists this kind of thing as the reason behind the behaviors.  It feels like that places the blame on externals instead of on person doing the behaviors.  Blame is not the ideal word, but I am grasping to put what I feel into words here.

They haven't had a visit in 3 weeks.  Maybe... Probably there is grief.  As traumatizing as the visits were they were still a connection to her.

I just had to pray today that God will come and help here.  I suppose there will always be these moments when I feel like this is too big for me.  I have to step back and remember to take it one step at a time.

Before They Wake Up.

I should be getting ready for church.  I will... in a minute.  It's so quiet and peaceful right now.  No one is demanding anything.  There are no sibling squabbles erupting.

Do you hear that?              


 Neither do I.                              


 Bliss.


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Okay, I seriously have to haul buns now.  Its just me and the 4 youngest for church today and my husband is definitely my right hand man.  I gotta move it, move it!  I gotta move IT!  


Mandy, you do realize some of your crazy just leaked out on your blog right?  You gonna clean that up? 

No.  No, I'm not.