Noise

I don't write this too complain, but rather to chronicle where I am at in life right now.  There is always so much noise.  I crave silence.   I  inundated with sound constantly.  My children are loud.  They are loud when they are happy, mad, sad, or curious.

I can, at times, set aside the ear jarring nature of it all and enjoy my house filled with life, but I am not exaggerating, some days my ears feel like they are buzzing.  I am hiding in the bathroom right now.  It is quiet in here.  Malachi's squeals of laughter reach through the door barrier.  Apparently Thomas is a very funny train.

My own voice is regularly worn out struggling to compete with the din. My voice crashes against my already sensitive ear drums when I call for them. Someday the silence may seem stifling, but at this point  with my children the noise sometimes is stifling.

Today my sister walked inside and saw me surrounded by little people who were constantly  touching and talking loudly to me.  She paused to stare for a moment.  "Just watching you I feel like I can't breathe."  I felt better when she said it because sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and of course I blame ME and my lack of... whatever. 

I think this is the stage of life we are at right now.  It's not horrible, there are many blessings in it, but I am considering sending a few to school next year.  I would like just a little quiet.   Maybe I won't send them, but it's fun to imagine.

Disapprove if you must, but sometimes a little television turns down the volume beautifully.   Well, at least it helps me get dinner on with a semblance of peace.  :)

Sibling Conversations

Talking about adoption is open in our home.  Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life.  Two of my children do not.  Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.

Here are a few examples.  There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time.  I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist.  I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want.  Later." And we do talk about it.

Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom.  So annoying...  So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!"  I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.

If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?"  I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?

Then there is Cy.  He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family.  He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar.  He says in a baby voice,  "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..."  This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word.  When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel.  Do I say something and make Cy feel bad?  Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?

My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!"  Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.

Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about  their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy!  Mommy is MY Mommy!"  Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts.   I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.

My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy.  You are both right!  This I say with a big smile and an excited voice.   Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.

I get so scared of messing this up sometimes.  There are so many people I need to help sort it all out.  I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me.  I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?

I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family.  I just want to do a good job.  You know?!

Malachi

I know that I used to post a lot about my struggles with Chi.  He is in such a better place now.  He still struggles.  He still needs zero wiggle room when it comes to boundaries and rules, but he is doing so well.

I could rehash 30 issues we have dealt with this week, but that is not the story of his life now.  His story now revolves around his emerging ability to safely connect with the world around him.

Chi can say, "I love you," and now he means it.  He is not mimicking he is communicating.  Chi can meet my eyes now and we can share a moment.  The connected moment can still send him for a loop, but his loops are smaller now.  Chi can smile softly now and not every smile is a tight, near grimace spread across his face.

Chi can play appropriately for a period of time without constant correction and redirection.  Chi can participate in some group activities now. 

I cannot compare him to other kids his age, but my sweet Chi is making progress and we are headed in the right direction.

Leave it Alone

What do I do when my children deviate from chores to build a castle together? I sneak up and snap a picture of course.  Peace with so many siblings is something that should be left alone.

Expert... Hah!

I was out yesterday and I noticed another woman with a young school age daughter.   I am desperate to talk to real life grown-ups I suppose,  because I said,  "Are you a homeschool Mom?"

"First year,"  She said, sounding uncertain and surprised at the same time. 

"It gets easier,"  I replied.  We had a short conversation and I talked about beginning my homeschool experience 6 years ago (Wow! Has it been six years?!)

   "Sounds like I should to be talking to you," she said.

  "You've got this," I encouraged the nice stranger.

I realized that somewhere along the way I have gone from a newbie, nervous about everything, to a seasoned homeschool Mama.

I have also gone from being a nervous constantly self-doubting foster and adoptive Mama, to more of a seasoned, do the best you can today type of Mom.

I used to think Mom's like me were experts, but me an expert?!  Hah!  Maybe the only big difference is getting to the place where I believe there truly are no experts, so "they" don't know better than I do and I may not know better than them, but maybe we can learn from each other.   Maybe.

One of the best parenting advice books out there has helped me tremendously and it can help you too!  Are you ready for it?!  "Oh The Places You'll Go," by the always helpful Dr. Seuss.  "Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed!  98 and 3/4% guaranteed!  Kid, you'll move mountains."

As a final note to those questioning my grammer and editing skills  I know titles are supposed to be underlined, but I am using my phone to blog and I can't figure it out! And... if I leave this quiet place people will... well, they will want stuff!  Whew,  self justification complete.  I feel better.

Pancake Therapy

It seems Obie was not done working out his feelings.  We began another day of attention getting antics and crocodile tears.  I was getting F R U S T R A T E D.

I hate it when a beautiful talk sometimes stirs things up for awhile. 

He got in trouble for impulse control issues that led to someone else being hurt at a local gym. He was so upset with me for making him sit out for the last 20 minutes he pulled out the stops verbally to make sure he had my attention. 

Afterwards, I dropped the kids off with a babysitter and drove around my country mile a couple times.  I was becoming reactive and I needed to step away. 

At some point I just knew that all he needed was to be certain of our connection.  I stopped back at the house and picked him up.  We talked and talked and talked because he is quite a talker.  I picked up on some things that were making him have anxiety and he asked if I had a headache, "cause sometimes you get one when your stressed and then I get you a glass of water."  It's no lie he really will show up with a cup of water.  My funny, smart, outrageous kid, he knew I was stressed out earlier.

  We ate pancakes and discussed how Mommy can get stressed out and how he can get stressed out.  We talked about what family means and he was tracking with me all the way.  "Family means like when I get mad at Cyrus because he won't let me in his room, but I still want to keep him?"  We expounded on that beautiful point.

Since our afternoon rescue of pancakes and quality time Obie has had a great day and he seems to be self-regulating again.  Thank you Jesus!

Daddy's Shadow

Zee and Ryan are very close.  Sometimes Zee will pause whatever he is doing just to say, out of the blue, "Hi Dad!"

Ryan chuckles and replies back in a matter-of-fact voice, "Hi Zee."

Where Daddy goes, Zee goes.  Daddy likes tractors so Zee likes tractors, Daddy is fixing things so Zee is "fitsin somepin."

Even in the coldest weather Zee wants to be at Ryan's side.  He begged and pleaded to go on a tractor ride in some very cold weather and because Daddy is a sucker for Zee they bundled up for short tractor ride.

They crack me up.