Problem Solver

Zee is being two.  I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2!  I remind myself it isn't personal.  He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion,  and Mommy is good for problem - solving.  So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG.  Precious little muffin that he is...

It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of  having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY!  I need you to solve everything!"

Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less.  He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone.  He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.

  I am beginning to get a better perspective.  They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.

Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together.   It was just me and 5 opinionated kids.  There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough.  I got us ice cream as we neared home.  We deserved it.  I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.

In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.

 I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.

Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments.  We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Leaving the Safe Zone

This first part is not the point of this post.

 ------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit.  I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker!  She comes when she says she is coming.  She makes what seems to be common sense decisions.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----

The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case.  She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance.  I can't relax until I know the boys are free.  I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.

The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal.  We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt.  I don't want to wait!

Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$.  Seriously! Every. single. time.  I think "what is going to go wrong now?"  I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us.  Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated. 

As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts.  I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.

As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids.  As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior.  It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day.  There is NO saving the day.  I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves.  So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all.  I tried to protect us all when I could.  I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone.   Someone else was hurting with them.

Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare.  We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life.  I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart.  Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.

Vacation and Termination News

Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect.  We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out!  Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool.  Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.

There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi.  They both triggered around the water.  They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water.  Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.

 I am loving this.  Getting away and loving on my family.  That is the only thing I have to do on vacation.  As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I  had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks.  For me, this is perfect.  I love this family God has given me.\

In other news the termination trial is over.  Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling.  I am told we won't hear until around the first of July.  What is with all of this waiting!?  The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective.  She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no."  She says that's a really good sign.  Okay, well I can't think about that stuff.  It upsets me...

Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!

Therapy or Not

Cy says prayers with me every night.  Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers.  Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."

I hope he's right.  He's been praying it every single night for months now.  Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February. 

Will this thing ever get done?


And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.

I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy.  There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me.  It seems counterproductive.  It's not like we don't talk about big feelings. 

Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me.  We talked for a long time, but then he was fine.  I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too.  On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad.  He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day. 

One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them.  I am learning to respect their version of their story.  I don't want to give them my views or their siblings.  There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.

I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot.  It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff.  Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit.  It might even be helping.  I can't decide what to do.

Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Subpoenaed... Again

I received my subpoena for the second half of the termination trial.  I am supposed to call the attorney and go over it all with her.  I got the subpoena last Friday afternoon and I still haven't called.  I keep hoping the caseworker will call and say bio-mom voluntarily relinqushed. 


Is it obvious how much I really cringe about testifying? I had to psych myself up the first time around.  Here I go again.  I will call the attorney today.    I just want this part to be over already.

Speaking of things I have been putting off... I have Chi scheduled for an evaluation.  They are going to to do some general Occupational therapy testing and just see if he presents with any classic sensory processing disorder things.  I don't know if he has this or not.  I go back and forth.

His play therapist calls his issues, "Disruptive Behavior Disorder."  She says its not Oppostional Defiant or something like that because he has to show the behaviors across a range of places.  He is definitely oppositional and many times defiant, but then again aren't all 2 year olds?!

Seriously, though he must have the worst case of terrible twos I have ever dealt with.  I used to do a daycare for 7 boys.  Every foster placement we have ever had has been young boy sibling groups, and of course there is Cy, whom I have parented for 9+ years.   Chi takes the cake with defiance, but there is so much obvious anxiety to it.  Last week he decided he was newly terrified of bugs, as in, they didn't used to faze him in the least.  It used to be snakes and how a one year old gets a fear of snakes I will probably never know.  Yesterday he had what I will call panic attacks all day because there might be bugs.  It was a hard day for all of us.

He is doing better today.  Thank goodness.  The thing Chi needs more than anything is prayer.  He wants so much to be happy and do well, but  some kind of switch flips.  Poor Baby.

Signing Away?

Our caseworker is going to try and have a meeting with bio-mom tomorrow and get her to voluntarily sign termination papers.  I told her I don't have my hopes up because our last caseworker told me that bio-mom would NEVER sign those papers.

This caseworker said, "I think we have a good chance she will."


Oooooooooooh!  I hope, I hope, I hope!  Oh yeah, and I PRAY a lot more.   Because you see, if this happened adoption can happen so much sooner. 

I don't know where to put my hopes, up or down?  I guess my hope is in the Lord.  He alone knows what is best, but I would LOVE to have this be a done deal. 

I got subpoenaed today.   I really don't want to testify.  I hate the idea that those signing on to love her kids for ever would have to be so instrumental in her losing them.  I will if I have to, but I prefer not testifying.

Meeting the New Caseworker

Obee (Tyke), Chi -begins with a K sound and rhymes with pie (Tot), and Zee (Baby),  These are nicknames we use for the boys that will be a part of their new names eventually.  I think its probably okay to start using them here because there is nothing truly identifying in all of that.

I got the all clear today to begin calling the boys by the names they will be given when adopted.  I was given a list of adoption attorneys to contact to begin the paperwork.  Yet another person (our new caseworker), acted like this was really going to happen.

Our new caseworker talked more about the adoption process than anything case wise.  She wants to make sure we are ready to go in that direction.  She is our local DC$ go to person when it comes to getting parents to sign over rights when termination is inevitable.  She does seem to have a very cut and dried personality.  There was not a lot of gush with her, but she was completely fine by me.  She told me she has done so many adoptions she can give us pretty much the same information we would get from the adoption caseworker. 

She has a few eventualities she is planning for.  She is going to try and get a signed agreement.  They are also preparing for trial, and prepping to be ready to go forward with adoption quickly if there is no appeal.  They are also prepared to go for the next 9 - 12 months until the appeals are exhausted and then we adopt.  No one, is talking about the possibility of us losing them.  So... That's Nice.  :)

News, but not Termination

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!  We got to trial and the defense attorney told everyone she would need a 2 and 1/2 hour break in the middle of the court day for some personal thing.  This screwed up everything for the police, therapists, and doctors, all lined up to testify so court is now postponed until April.

On a good note the attorney for DC$ had a private meeting with us.  She shared her plan and I am feeling much more confident about the whole thing.  Ryan and I won't testify unless she feels it is absolutely necessary.  If it looks like we will testify she is going to have us in to practice things.  They will also prevent me using my full name in court and redact our name and address from the court records.

At this meeting I learned that the original police and investigators are more than willing, they are practically lining up to testify for on the boys' behalf and in support of termination.  With the boys being so little and the crimes committed against them being so severe...  well, good people want to help.  The attorney reminded us this is an extraordinary case. She explained that this is the kind of case that even "bad" parents are shocked by.

We went through pictures of evidence the officers, hospital, doctors, and investigators had taken.  I forgot just how bad it was.  Seeing those pictures again... I cried.  My poor babies, but they are safe now.  I can wait.  At least they are safe. 

The attorney also complimented us on our care of the boys.  Those present told us we were amazing for hanging in there with the boys because their behaviors were some of the worst they had seen.  I cried again when they said this.  It's not that complicated.  I'm not that great.  I just love them.  They make me crazy and I love them with every fiber of my being.





Oh and another thing.  Why did those with DC$ act like this was just some simple case of neglect?  In speaking with the attorney today I saw her raise her eyebrows at several comments we made and look pointedly at the caseworker.  "I had never heard that," she stated.  I let her know I sent these things in by email, and she was surprised.

Another good thing.  We can cut Baby's hair, they will probably move us to an adoption caseworker anyway, and the lawyer made our caseworker practice her statements for court today.  The caseworker told me it was a good thing.  She realized she was NOT ready to testify.  They are planning to practice several more times prior to the next court date.

So now we hope she signs away rights or termination happens for real next time.  I want her to sign away her rights... sort of.   I saw the pictures and I never want another baby to go through that kind of thing.  If God is choosing this path so DC$ has the right to remove future babies, then I am not going to question that plan. Preventing two months of waiting isn't worth putting another baby through the nightmare my little ones were living.

The lawyer says from here we are looking at nearly a year until we could adopt.  I'm okay with that.  I just need to know they will never go back.

A Foster Mom

i got good advice from my mom tonight.  Tomorrow I am just a Foster Mom.  I am putting all my future plans aside.  I need to do a good job advocating for my foster kids.  What would I want for any foster child?  Any child for that matter?  I want them to be safe.  I want them to be loved.

I am just going to be a good foster mom if and when I take the stand tomorrow.  That's all I need to do.

AHHHH!!!

Seriously aggravated here...

My phone call...

Me: Hi Caseworker what's up?

Caseworker:  Bio Mom showed up for most recent drug test.  I know she is going to show up for court now.

Me:  Oh... That's dissappointing.

Caseworker: (Sounding shocked)  I know!  She hasn't shown up to anything in so long.  I really didn't expect her too.

Me:  Yeah, I was kind of hoping she would keep the pattern going.

Caseworker: (Sounding overworked)  I don't even have my timeline done yet!  I was supposed to have that done.  The lawyer told me to have it done and be practicing my statements, but I really didn't think she'd show!

Me:  (Faking nonchalance)  Is the timeline difficult?

Caseworker:  Oh yeah it's going to take me forever.  (Laughing)  Nothing like waiting until the last minute.  (More laughing.)

Pause....   What do I say here?  She's not READY?

Me:  Well, I have been praying.  I have my whole family praying.

Caseworker:  (Still laugh-talking)  You tell them they aren't praying hard enough!

I kind of like my caseworker on some levels, but she has no idea the horror she struck into my heart.  We have been subpoenaed and I have been going back through everything I have had to report to DC$ or just personally noted.   I spent the last two days sorting through my notes of all of the horrors the boys have endured.  Spending all of this time looking at the reality of what they have come from.  They CANNOT go back because the defense is able to make the caseworker look incompetent.

On a good note.  I found out both therapists are subpoenaed to testify.  I have heard the judge really respects their testimony.  I am relieved they will be there, especially with the advocate unable to appear.  (Please keep him in your prayers.  His cancer is very aggressive.)


Oh yes in case I posted wrong on this blog court is Thursday, not Wednesday.

What are we doing?  We are making sure our notes for testifying are rock solid with dates and times etc.  We are praying.

Please pray?

Court, Names, and Prayers

I got the list of questions from the caseworker today.  The only part I will need to be very careful on is the question about specific behaviors when they came into our home.  I need to remind myself specifics and not opinions.

We have been working on names for the boys.  Baby and Tot are decided on, but we have struggled with Tyke for a long time.  I think we finally came to an agreement last night for Tyke so I am very excited about that.

We have toyed with a few names for him, and we playfully would call the boys by their names.  Everything we ever played with for Tyke just did not seem to fit.  I suppose one of the advantages of foster care is being able to do something like name testing.

We are changing the names.  Not because we think their old names aren't good enough or something like that, it is simply for security.  We live too close to those who might harm the boys or even other members of our family.  We want our babies to be hard to find.  I think I have explained this before, but I just wanted ya'll to know my heart on the issue.

I so want to share the new names here... This is hard to fight.  When/If they are adopted I will post pictures and first names.  I may pull them down later, but I will have to share my beautiful family at least for a bit.

Okay, I have to go work through the list of questions now.  I am praying for court.  I am praying for a successful termination.  Oh please, oh please, oh please!

Nervous

I got a call on Friday.  We are supposed to be ready to testify for court on Wednesday.  No subpoena, no prep, just be ready... Okay...   All the little call did was make me nervous.  Caseworker said she was going to send me an email with some information, but she did not.

I got some advice today from other former foster Moms.  Stick to the point.  Give short answers.  I'm really nervous though.  I am praying God will go ahead of me and fight the battle. 

No Judge Will Take Them From You

That's what my caseworker said on the phone last Friday.  She called to talk to me about our advocate's cancer diagnosis and she said she wanted to be sure and call so I wouldn't worry about how this would affect the case.  The caseworker believes this is almost a done deal.  She told me that our plan will move straight to the adoption side of things even with the final paperwork on absent fathers pending.

She told me how even with the end approaching bio-mom is doing nothing to work her plan. She told me that even if she magically did everything in her plan over the rest of the days remaining she still wouldn't win this case.  Oh how I hope and pray she is right.  Again the caseworker told me there is a very good chance that bio-mom won't even show up.  I am praying so hard for that outcome.  It would be like when the Lord has his armies prepare for battle and then he goes ahead of them and there is no battle at all.

She ended the conversation saying, "No judge is going to take those boys from you.  They are going to stay with you."  Do I dare trust that?  I must admit I am growing comfortable.  I am beginning to believe her assurances.  Please Father...

Flipping my Calendar

I flipped the calendar page today for February.  I saw where I had written Terminaion Trial.  I am excited and scared of that date.  I pray that trial is the end of wondering if they could somehow be sent back.

Without visits things are relatively calm.  I can tell the boys are in a better place.  We are all in a better place.  Life is a lot easier now.  Taking away that constant trauma has given us a sense of normalcy.

I am still dealing with stuff, but its a lot better than it was.  I don't know why, but both of the boys, at different times, relived their past today.  They were playfully acting out abuse.  They haven't mentioned this stuff  for awhile. I want to help them forget, but I don't want to coerce them into not talking about things they need to talk about.  It's a fine line.

Ryan and I did remove dolls today.  When they try to reenact stuff it seems to pull them back emotionally as well.  We encouraged another type of play and a new toy.

I don't like not knowing for certain what is right.  We are following our guts here.  Our guts tell us not to let the boys wallow in muck and so we do our best to acknowledge, affirm, and move on.  As the therapist recommends, we say, "I know that sad thing happened, but its all done now."

Maybe I will flip that calendar to March knowing the boys are forever free.  When I see them relive the past my own doubts and fears will be gone and I can speak with conviction, when I say, "That is all done now."

Why Can't I Relax?

I woke up this morning with that same old feeling in my stomach.  Every Monday I wake thinking, "What hoops do we have to jump through this week?" The judge's orders are clear, but I still half expect someone to call telling me I have to prepare the boys for a visit or something like that.

I am so grateful to God for these visits being stopped.  It is such a big relief, but I think I am having trouble convincing myself I don't have to watch them scream anymore.  Maybe when I have a week or two of relief it will start to settle into my mind.

From last Thursday on I have had moments of reveling in the idea that Baby, Tot, and Tyke have a good chance of becoming our boys.  When I see one of their smiling faces I get a rush of joy at the blessing that God may be allowing me to raise these precious boys.  I keep thinking over the last year as we have a normal happy moment.  I remember fearing that we would never be able to have that kind of moment.  I can't deny there are glimpses of the joy that may await me.

I am just waiting to relax.  It's possible I won't fully relax until the last papers are filed and the boys are forever ours.  Until then I know that anything can happen.  So even though I am blessed, and thrilled, and relieved, Feb 28th, TPR, can't get here soon enough.