I get this idea that I need to step it up and improve my parenting skills. The accusing voice immediately comes up with 10 things I should be doing. I lunge for that carrot. I run and run and run and fail. Usually this fail is great big compared to all the things I am trying to "fix."
I question God. I believe the voice that says, "YOU are your children's biggest problem." I start to feel hopeless and pointless and angry and sad. I begin to despair.
The next part is my favorite part. A messenger comes. They remind me not to listen to the accuser. They remind me that God does the work in them and in me. It is not by our works that we are saved.
God sent the messenger sooner in this cycle. I mean literally in day 1. I am so grateful for all that I am NOT going to go through this time around.
I am learning something... The carrot is a lie. I am never going to look like the image of mothering perfection I hold in my mind. My children won't ever measure up to any kind of perfection either.
We all need to do ourselves a favor and ignore the carrot. That race is rigged and I will only hurt myself and my family trying to measure up to my vain imaginings. My race is my own and the my instructions are to keep moving and keep my eyes on Him.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
A Saner version of Crazy.
I am just going to start posting. I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!
I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year. I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue. I had been overwhelmed. I have been praying a lot about this issue. On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama. This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :) I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.
The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot. Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did. The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use.
Chi has really struggled in church groups lately. Something about that room sets him off. I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not. We did not go to church on Wednesday night. I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.
We are looking at adopting again. We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker. Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys.
We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out. We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be best for her to be placed so closely to them. That was a little heartbreaking for me. We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.
However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again. We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us. We don't necessarily want babies. V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.
I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year. I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue. I had been overwhelmed. I have been praying a lot about this issue. On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama. This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :) I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.
The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot. Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did. The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use.
Chi has really struggled in church groups lately. Something about that room sets him off. I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not. We did not go to church on Wednesday night. I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.
We are looking at adopting again. We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker. Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys.
We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out. We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be best for her to be placed so closely to them. That was a little heartbreaking for me. We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.
However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again. We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us. We don't necessarily want babies. V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.
Friday, April 12, 2013
The Results
Bio mom showed up. She would not relinquish her rights. I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing." From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.
The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified. The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday. Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else had to.
Strangely I am not that sad really. I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up. With things going this way I know future babies are safe too. This, to me, seems like the heart of God. Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.
My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy. I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore. Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know. There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about. The forensics people even have pictures. It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.
With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.
The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified. The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday. Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else had to.
Strangely I am not that sad really. I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up. With things going this way I know future babies are safe too. This, to me, seems like the heart of God. Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.
My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy. I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore. Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know. There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about. The forensics people even have pictures. It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.
With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Mostly Cloudy
Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently. Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.
Today we met with our adoption attorney. I like him a lot. We signed up to start the petition to adopt process. He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving. That would be amazing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, were things going downhill here. Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping? I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference. Last week and early this week it was all back. The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted. I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many. Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen. You can't get away with much when you homeschool. Little eyes see everything. Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?"
Yes, I call them happy pills. I sort of had a "duh" moment. When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work. So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day. Today, I am feeling a ton better. I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days. The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.
To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low. I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better. I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy. I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better. I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk. I had more freedom to focus on me.
Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job. If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child. Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place. When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind. Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.
I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house. I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.
I had to write all of that for myself. This is a lot like my therapy. And now I want to say this to me... It's okay to need a break. It's okay to have to take something to feel better. Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it. Just get through it. Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it.
Today we met with our adoption attorney. I like him a lot. We signed up to start the petition to adopt process. He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving. That would be amazing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, were things going downhill here. Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping? I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference. Last week and early this week it was all back. The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted. I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many. Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen. You can't get away with much when you homeschool. Little eyes see everything. Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?"
Yes, I call them happy pills. I sort of had a "duh" moment. When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work. So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day. Today, I am feeling a ton better. I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days. The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.
To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low. I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better. I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy. I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better. I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk. I had more freedom to focus on me.
Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job. If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child. Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place. When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind. Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.
I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house. I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.
I had to write all of that for myself. This is a lot like my therapy. And now I want to say this to me... It's okay to need a break. It's okay to have to take something to feel better. Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it. Just get through it. Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Feeling Good But Need Your Prayers
I am feeling really great lately. I started taking Sam E a vitamin supplement for mood support plus an assortment of other herbs in something called Estroblend. I was skeptical when I started, but I feel so much better. I feel like me again. I have also begun to notice quite frequently how much awesome is tucked inside of ALL of my kiddos.
The boys still fight and scream as toddlers will, the dishes still pile up, and the laundry is still a nightmare, but through it all I still feel in general that life is good, and God is good and it will all work out. Cool huh? When my attitude is upbeat everyone in the family seems to do better. When they do better, I do better and so it is a good cycle rather than the other cycle.
The other cycle goes like this: acting out leads to my exhaustion and then to short tempers which causes more acting out and on and on it goes.
Now for the other part...
We have court tomorrow morning. I am told that it is quite possible they will file for termination tomorrow. Once the permanency plan moves to termination then DC$ is no longer required to provide visitation. So I suppose they still can give visits if they so choose.
We were supposed to have a visit yesterday early morning. I got the boys up and got them all ready to go. The visit supervisor was running late so I took them outside to play and wait. Tyke is smart and he figured out what was up. He started pleading. "You call Visit Supervisor! You tell her I don't want to go!" He kept crying, "I want to stay with you!"
Eventually I did call because visit supervisor was running really late. At this time I am informed that there is no longer any visit for that Monday. It has been moved to the end of the week. Grrrr - a little, but not too much because I am ridiculously well-balanced right now... Still she, visit supervisor, could hear Tyke in the background saying, "You tell her I don't want to go!"
"It's okay Tyke," I say, "You don't have a visit today."
Tyke and Tot instantly cheer, "Yeah!"
Visit Supervisor overhears, "Wow."
Exactly.
Toddlers should not have to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this. I want visits to be over for their sake as much as for my own.
Oh yeah, back to the prayers... There are a lot of things swirling in my head. If you can pray for any or all of these I would be so grateful.
Can you pray for Bio-Mom to sign over her rights?
Can you pray they will actually file for termination?
Can you pray that they will put a stop to all visitation?
Can you pray that God would give the judge wisdom?
Can you pray that God would help the CASA and DC$ to speak up for the boys' best interests?
Can you pray for God's will above all else?
Thanks! I can't wait to update you after court tomorrow. Hope I have good things to say.
The boys still fight and scream as toddlers will, the dishes still pile up, and the laundry is still a nightmare, but through it all I still feel in general that life is good, and God is good and it will all work out. Cool huh? When my attitude is upbeat everyone in the family seems to do better. When they do better, I do better and so it is a good cycle rather than the other cycle.
The other cycle goes like this: acting out leads to my exhaustion and then to short tempers which causes more acting out and on and on it goes.
Now for the other part...
We have court tomorrow morning. I am told that it is quite possible they will file for termination tomorrow. Once the permanency plan moves to termination then DC$ is no longer required to provide visitation. So I suppose they still can give visits if they so choose.
We were supposed to have a visit yesterday early morning. I got the boys up and got them all ready to go. The visit supervisor was running late so I took them outside to play and wait. Tyke is smart and he figured out what was up. He started pleading. "You call Visit Supervisor! You tell her I don't want to go!" He kept crying, "I want to stay with you!"
Eventually I did call because visit supervisor was running really late. At this time I am informed that there is no longer any visit for that Monday. It has been moved to the end of the week. Grrrr - a little, but not too much because I am ridiculously well-balanced right now... Still she, visit supervisor, could hear Tyke in the background saying, "You tell her I don't want to go!"
"It's okay Tyke," I say, "You don't have a visit today."
Tyke and Tot instantly cheer, "Yeah!"
Visit Supervisor overhears, "Wow."
Exactly.
Toddlers should not have to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this. I want visits to be over for their sake as much as for my own.
Oh yeah, back to the prayers... There are a lot of things swirling in my head. If you can pray for any or all of these I would be so grateful.
Can you pray for Bio-Mom to sign over her rights?
Can you pray they will actually file for termination?
Can you pray that they will put a stop to all visitation?
Can you pray that God would give the judge wisdom?
Can you pray that God would help the CASA and DC$ to speak up for the boys' best interests?
Can you pray for God's will above all else?
Thanks! I can't wait to update you after court tomorrow. Hope I have good things to say.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Miss Lonely is One of Many
I have a perfect 6 year old on my lap. She came up to me just as I sat down to blog, "Mom, I'm kinda lonely." I am not sure how she can be lonely in this busy house, but I think she just misses me. So I am trying to type with this girl in my way!
Relief! She's gone off to play. I know my baby misses one-on-one time. She gets some everyday, but she doesn't get near as much as she used to get.
That is a perfect segway to what I was going to write about anyway. So many people need me. I am really tired and possibly looking at burnout.
Here's my fear. Maybe I can't do this. I love these boys so much. I want to be the place they need to be, but lately there just doesn't seem to be enough of me. I am so tired and I am constantly reacting instead of being proactive.
If they are all awake someone is always screaming or crying because crazy seems to have moved in and taken up residence. The sad thing is I know what to do, I am just so tired of having to do it for someone all the time. I can wake up and feel energized and ready and be depleted in one short hour because the needs pile up and cascade over one another. I can't move fast enough or think fast enough. They are screaming at me and too quickly I am yelling at them.
I constantly worry I am screwing them up because I am not therapeutic enough. The fear eats me up sometimes. Little one's need held and talked to and enriched and encouraged and trained and spoken sweetly to, not yelled at. I think about sending the boys away to somewhere "better" and I can't breathe. It hurts so much inside.
I see posts about how different placements seem to be "perfect" for a particular family and I wonder if this placement isn't a mistake. It doesn't feel perfect. I can acknowledge that all by himself Baby would be perfect for our family with his jolly personality and his easy ability to hold the spotlight. All by himself Tot would be perfect for our family. He lays beside Mommy or Daddy on the floor and rests his chin in his hands and has deep and meaningful discussions of the fish in the pond, the party in his tummy, and his favorite monkey, George. All by himself Tyke would be perfect for our family. His desire to copy "Daddy" and make me proud and to do everything Cy does warms my heart. They are all so perfect I want to cry just thinking about it.
Sadly I am left here feeling like the life raft in the middle of everyone's emotions and many times everyone is grabbing for me at once and I am going under. My breathing gets faster. My pulse speeds. I am going under and I am desperate to save me! I don't want to be told to get rid of them. I want someone to tell me how to be a better life raft.
This is a mess, but I have to publish or never finish.
Relief! She's gone off to play. I know my baby misses one-on-one time. She gets some everyday, but she doesn't get near as much as she used to get.
That is a perfect segway to what I was going to write about anyway. So many people need me. I am really tired and possibly looking at burnout.
Here's my fear. Maybe I can't do this. I love these boys so much. I want to be the place they need to be, but lately there just doesn't seem to be enough of me. I am so tired and I am constantly reacting instead of being proactive.
If they are all awake someone is always screaming or crying because crazy seems to have moved in and taken up residence. The sad thing is I know what to do, I am just so tired of having to do it for someone all the time. I can wake up and feel energized and ready and be depleted in one short hour because the needs pile up and cascade over one another. I can't move fast enough or think fast enough. They are screaming at me and too quickly I am yelling at them.
I constantly worry I am screwing them up because I am not therapeutic enough. The fear eats me up sometimes. Little one's need held and talked to and enriched and encouraged and trained and spoken sweetly to, not yelled at. I think about sending the boys away to somewhere "better" and I can't breathe. It hurts so much inside.
I see posts about how different placements seem to be "perfect" for a particular family and I wonder if this placement isn't a mistake. It doesn't feel perfect. I can acknowledge that all by himself Baby would be perfect for our family with his jolly personality and his easy ability to hold the spotlight. All by himself Tot would be perfect for our family. He lays beside Mommy or Daddy on the floor and rests his chin in his hands and has deep and meaningful discussions of the fish in the pond, the party in his tummy, and his favorite monkey, George. All by himself Tyke would be perfect for our family. His desire to copy "Daddy" and make me proud and to do everything Cy does warms my heart. They are all so perfect I want to cry just thinking about it.
Sadly I am left here feeling like the life raft in the middle of everyone's emotions and many times everyone is grabbing for me at once and I am going under. My breathing gets faster. My pulse speeds. I am going under and I am desperate to save me! I don't want to be told to get rid of them. I want someone to tell me how to be a better life raft.
This is a mess, but I have to publish or never finish.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Meltdown
Yeah, I had a meltdown today. I threw pillows and sobbed the whole bit. I am grieving, not the loss of my boys, but the eventual loss. I am beginning to believe they will be reunited. I want you all to understand something. My boys were _____ (I decided to omit the word) ... repeatedly. No one is willing to go out on a limb to protect them, so the reunification train is chugging forward.
I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind. My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me. Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time. I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me. Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too. I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit.
Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that. God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.
While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again. Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out. I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home. I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried. I cried too. I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot. He hugged me and cried.
I hate meltdowns. I am calm now. Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears. I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys. The Bible tells me so.
I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind. My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me. Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time. I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me. Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too. I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit.
Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that. God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.
While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again. Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out. I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home. I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried. I cried too. I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot. He hugged me and cried.
I hate meltdowns. I am calm now. Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears. I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys. The Bible tells me so.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Some News
I got some news. This is going to be fast and messy because I have an appointment.
First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour. It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.
Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently. I love them so and it is such an easy love. I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear. When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this." I feel bad admitting that. I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.
Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today. He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year. They would really like to see it happen in November. They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013.
The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids. After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her. She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause." The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).
That part makes me sad. There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough." She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.
With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible. At least that is what I am told. I will believe it when I actually see something official. At this point it's all talk.
With the call from the advocate I do have hope today. When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me. I don't want things easy. I want all of my kids to stay right here. I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way.
Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit. The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days. I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing. All I can do is pray. I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.
So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.
First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour. It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.
Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently. I love them so and it is such an easy love. I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear. When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this." I feel bad admitting that. I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.
Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today. He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year. They would really like to see it happen in November. They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013.
The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids. After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her. She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause." The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).
That part makes me sad. There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough." She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.
With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible. At least that is what I am told. I will believe it when I actually see something official. At this point it's all talk.
With the call from the advocate I do have hope today. When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me. I don't want things easy. I want all of my kids to stay right here. I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way.
Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit. The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days. I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing. All I can do is pray. I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.
So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sad... and Update
I feel so stupid, because I am ridiculously sad right now that my boys are off for a visit.
I hate what it does to them, and I hate how it makes me feel so insecure.
I am not good at sharing. I am a terrible foster Mom.
Talked to caseworker after the visit because Tyke complained Bio-Mom tried to sit on him at the visit and that it hurt. Tot indicated something similar occurred.
The caseworker is sure that this did not happen, but indicated she would look into it. She also let me know they had a team meeting about the allegations of abuse the Bio-Grandma made about us awhile back. I guess we came out okay since the boys are still here. I guess I am glad I didn't know?
Another gem... She let me know they did not know when they would file for termination. The conversation about filing in September has vanished from her memory I suppose. Geez.
I hate what it does to them, and I hate how it makes me feel so insecure.
I am not good at sharing. I am a terrible foster Mom.
Talked to caseworker after the visit because Tyke complained Bio-Mom tried to sit on him at the visit and that it hurt. Tot indicated something similar occurred.
The caseworker is sure that this did not happen, but indicated she would look into it. She also let me know they had a team meeting about the allegations of abuse the Bio-Grandma made about us awhile back. I guess we came out okay since the boys are still here. I guess I am glad I didn't know?
Another gem... She let me know they did not know when they would file for termination. The conversation about filing in September has vanished from her memory I suppose. Geez.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Guilt
In this role of foster parent I am always second guessing myself.
I am always wondering if knowing I could be doing better.
I lay myself out before God and I ask him to change me. I ask him to make me like Jesus.
I keep making new discoveries about me. I am plagued by issues that I have kept buried. There were "little sins" inside of me that I have let lie. They weren't important in the scheme of my busy life.
Every little sin wears away on my struggling family. I keep having to hold myself up to the Lord again and ask him to change me. I get so discouraged by the things that don't change about me.
Honesty? I am tired of asking to be changed. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of wondering what will happen. I am just tired.
I pray all of this changes me into something more like Christ. I won't be a foster parent ever again. I have never learned to move quickly past the grief of my own failures. I am too much of a perfectionist, although you would not know it to look at my life right now.
Update on my friend in the Congo: She is still stuck there. Someone told her they had to have her passport for paperwork. She gave it to them, and now we are all worried sick because you are NEVER to give up your passport. The person that took it for documentation claims it is needed for final paperwork to be completed by the Congolese government, but he also says today is a holiday, so she will need to wait another day for approval. I am scared sick for her. She sends me messages and I have never seen her so desperate. Please keep praying for her?
I am always
I lay myself out before God and I ask him to change me. I ask him to make me like Jesus.
I keep making new discoveries about me. I am plagued by issues that I have kept buried. There were "little sins" inside of me that I have let lie. They weren't important in the scheme of my busy life.
Every little sin wears away on my struggling family. I keep having to hold myself up to the Lord again and ask him to change me. I get so discouraged by the things that don't change about me.
Honesty? I am tired of asking to be changed. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of wondering what will happen. I am just tired.
I pray all of this changes me into something more like Christ. I won't be a foster parent ever again. I have never learned to move quickly past the grief of my own failures. I am too much of a perfectionist, although you would not know it to look at my life right now.
Update on my friend in the Congo: She is still stuck there. Someone told her they had to have her passport for paperwork. She gave it to them, and now we are all worried sick because you are NEVER to give up your passport. The person that took it for documentation claims it is needed for final paperwork to be completed by the Congolese government, but he also says today is a holiday, so she will need to wait another day for approval. I am scared sick for her. She sends me messages and I have never seen her so desperate. Please keep praying for her?
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Where things are and are not going.... At this point.
At this point the caseworker, the advocate, the visit supervisor, the caseworker's supervisor, my husband and myself all want to see termination happen in this case. Bio-Mom just does not attend anything and she is continually prompted to attend. She has failed drug screens when she shows up, she does not attend counseling, she does not attend training, she does not attend visits, she misses parent team meetings. She is getting mad now because the kids aren't home yet, but she is not doing anything.
There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well. They both failed to call or show for the last visit. I am hoping for and expect more of the same. These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide. So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.
As for my family... My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family. He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age. We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.
I was very emotional about this. I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family. I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away... I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband. Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them. He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen. Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered.
I think that he may change his mind. I think that he may not. If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head. Who knows? Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.
I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this.
Amen? AMEN!
There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well. They both failed to call or show for the last visit. I am hoping for and expect more of the same. These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide. So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.
As for my family... My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family. He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age. We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.
I was very emotional about this. I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family. I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away... I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband. Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them. He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen. Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered.
I think that he may change his mind. I think that he may not. If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head. Who knows? Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.
I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this.
Amen? AMEN!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Poopy Day so far
Today has been full of interesting and exhausting work already.
Tyke woke up soaking wet at 6am. I knew I should have changed him again right before I went to bed.
Tyke has trouble realizing he can't bounce into people when he is excited to see them. He knocked Cy down the stairs this morning.
Tyke is having major issues not biting things. No, no please don't confuse this with chewing. He grabs a toy, shoves it in his mouth, and bites off as big a chunk as he can. He destroyed some more of Cy's favorite toys today. Cy looked a little violent in the eyes. I sent him out for some alone time to jump on the trampoline.
Tot seemed okay. He told me he wanted to go potty, although he did refer to the body parts with foul language. He overshot the potty and peed all over everything. He pooped on the potty. Yeah (or so I thought)! Then he was "done" so he got up while I was still cleaning up his pee spray. He left the bathroom as I called for him to come back. He just laughed and ran. I went after him and he decided to run some more. He ran from the bedroom, down the steps, into the living room, laughing... pooping.... the whole way.
I was irritated, scrubbing Tot's poo spots on my just shampooed carpet. Tot was screaming at me and yanking at my arms. He wanted to be held. What kind of mother cleans up poop spots when her little darling just wants to be held?
Cy and Liv during this time have a great idea. "Let's get the baby up for Mom!" They wake up Baby. He sees me and cries during the whole cleaning episode. When he wakes up he wants to be held and he wants a bottle. The mean Mommy was ignoring him for poop spots.
We had a little lull. Baby got fed, the house smelled better, Tyke calmed down (a little), and the boys got dressed...
I take the boys outside to play. I did not realize someone had left a full bucket of water by the pump. There were both boys, clean clothes now wet with dirty water, looking at me with guilt in their eyes. Smart Tyke, says "I sorry Mom," and wisely steps away from the offending bucket. I notice Tot, so wet he is dripping. Tot screams at me. He didn't expect to see me so getting "caught" is a shock. I have to chase him... again. He's hanging out in his diaper now. This may be his look for today.
I got on here looking for encouragement. I came across an article. A mom sharing how her struggles have changed over the years as her special needs adoptive children have grown older. I grieve the idea that if we adopt there may be no victory in it. There may be no celebration. Maybe I will just have to be grateful if they aren't in jail...
So I decided I needed to look elsewhere.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I am called to this, God will bring good from it.
Zechariah 4:6 So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
God, Help me to believe this. Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my lack of patience. Meet me where I am right now. Help me with today. Amen.
Tyke woke up soaking wet at 6am. I knew I should have changed him again right before I went to bed.
Tyke has trouble realizing he can't bounce into people when he is excited to see them. He knocked Cy down the stairs this morning.
Tyke is having major issues not biting things. No, no please don't confuse this with chewing. He grabs a toy, shoves it in his mouth, and bites off as big a chunk as he can. He destroyed some more of Cy's favorite toys today. Cy looked a little violent in the eyes. I sent him out for some alone time to jump on the trampoline.
Tot seemed okay. He told me he wanted to go potty, although he did refer to the body parts with foul language. He overshot the potty and peed all over everything. He pooped on the potty. Yeah (or so I thought)! Then he was "done" so he got up while I was still cleaning up his pee spray. He left the bathroom as I called for him to come back. He just laughed and ran. I went after him and he decided to run some more. He ran from the bedroom, down the steps, into the living room, laughing... pooping.... the whole way.
I was irritated, scrubbing Tot's poo spots on my just shampooed carpet. Tot was screaming at me and yanking at my arms. He wanted to be held. What kind of mother cleans up poop spots when her little darling just wants to be held?
Cy and Liv during this time have a great idea. "Let's get the baby up for Mom!" They wake up Baby. He sees me and cries during the whole cleaning episode. When he wakes up he wants to be held and he wants a bottle. The mean Mommy was ignoring him for poop spots.
We had a little lull. Baby got fed, the house smelled better, Tyke calmed down (a little), and the boys got dressed...
I take the boys outside to play. I did not realize someone had left a full bucket of water by the pump. There were both boys, clean clothes now wet with dirty water, looking at me with guilt in their eyes. Smart Tyke, says "I sorry Mom," and wisely steps away from the offending bucket. I notice Tot, so wet he is dripping. Tot screams at me. He didn't expect to see me so getting "caught" is a shock. I have to chase him... again. He's hanging out in his diaper now. This may be his look for today.
I got on here looking for encouragement. I came across an article. A mom sharing how her struggles have changed over the years as her special needs adoptive children have grown older. I grieve the idea that if we adopt there may be no victory in it. There may be no celebration. Maybe I will just have to be grateful if they aren't in jail...
So I decided I needed to look elsewhere.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I am called to this, God will bring good from it.
Zechariah 4:6 So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.
It's not about my might or power, The spirit of the Lord will do the work that needs doing.
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I AM NOT at the end of my rope. He will strengthen me, he will help me, he will uphold me!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Mad and Sad
I am struggling to get started here because I am kind of covered in a hard shell right now, but I can tell I have a lot of mad and sad inside of there. If I don't get it out, its going to just separate me from those I need to love on.
I'm mad. I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe. They could go back to a family member in just a few days. This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt. Where was she then? I am mad about that.
I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job. It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.
I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter. As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another. This has been going on since the beginning of November. I have no energy. It is hard to climb the stairs. My arm gets tired burping the baby! On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc. I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful. That used to be me!
The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day. I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor. Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"
And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad. That is me being different?! My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing. I am changing and I don't like it. Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction. Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.
This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things. This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together. This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly. I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much). This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.
This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make. He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."
I know the old me is still in there. Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too. I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels. I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face! I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!
So could you all please pray for me? Please pray for my health. I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick. I want my smiley energetic self back please!
I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once.
I'm mad. I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe. They could go back to a family member in just a few days. This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt. Where was she then? I am mad about that.
I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job. It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.
I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter. As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another. This has been going on since the beginning of November. I have no energy. It is hard to climb the stairs. My arm gets tired burping the baby! On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc. I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful. That used to be me!
The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day. I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor. Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"
And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad. That is me being different?! My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing. I am changing and I don't like it. Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction. Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.
This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things. This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together. This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly. I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much). This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.
This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make. He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."
I know the old me is still in there. Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too. I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels. I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face! I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!
So could you all please pray for me? Please pray for my health. I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick. I want my smiley energetic self back please!
I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once.
Monday, January 23, 2012
An Admission
Do you ever get sad and have no energy for life? Do you ever feel like it's all meaningless? I am an optimist by nature so this is rare for me, but last week I was really struggling with Depression. There I said it. It's something I did not want to admit. For me it felt like I was somehow saying that all of God's blessings were somehow not enough. I was so disgusted with myself and I was just praying to snap out of it. I finally got the depression commercial where the woman is a walking wind-up toy. That is exactly how I was feeling!
I clean the house because I am supposed to... Blah.
I do schoolwork because I am supposed to... Blah.
I attend this event because I am supposed to, I smile because I am supposed to, and I snuggle my babies because I am supposed to. Blah. Blah. Blah.
My husband made one teeny tiny comment about my lack of motivation around the home (trust me it was apparent!) and I got mad and then sad and it all just burst out on him, and he took it like the manly man he is and very simply told me my feelings were ok.
I have really struggled because I felt like it wasn't ok to be so sad about an empty house when obviously that is in the higher plan for now. I did not want to mention it to myself or anyone else. In a way he kind of set me free in that moment. I felt free to be sad at least between Ryan and me.
I am doing much better this week, and I learned one little thing about myself that I am acknowledging and accepting. I like having a full house. I like having kids spend the day, the night, whenever! Even if they don't talk to me, it fills something in me. I love having friends over and sharing our lives. I am happiest when I am with people. I draw energy from interaction. I know there are people that draw energy from quiet reflection but not me.
Now, how to put a nice bow on it all? Through this process the Lord is teaching me about who I am and what I need. I am learning about what encourages me and what an amazing man I married. My husband is my best friend. When I am low he doesn't yell at me to get out of the silly hole I am in; he comes and holds my hand (at the kitchen counter) and tells me its okay. In some way that helps me to be okay again.
I clean the house because I am supposed to... Blah.
I do schoolwork because I am supposed to... Blah.
I attend this event because I am supposed to, I smile because I am supposed to, and I snuggle my babies because I am supposed to. Blah. Blah. Blah.
My husband made one teeny tiny comment about my lack of motivation around the home (trust me it was apparent!) and I got mad and then sad and it all just burst out on him, and he took it like the manly man he is and very simply told me my feelings were ok.
I have really struggled because I felt like it wasn't ok to be so sad about an empty house when obviously that is in the higher plan for now. I did not want to mention it to myself or anyone else. In a way he kind of set me free in that moment. I felt free to be sad at least between Ryan and me.
I am doing much better this week, and I learned one little thing about myself that I am acknowledging and accepting. I like having a full house. I like having kids spend the day, the night, whenever! Even if they don't talk to me, it fills something in me. I love having friends over and sharing our lives. I am happiest when I am with people. I draw energy from interaction. I know there are people that draw energy from quiet reflection but not me.
Now, how to put a nice bow on it all? Through this process the Lord is teaching me about who I am and what I need. I am learning about what encourages me and what an amazing man I married. My husband is my best friend. When I am low he doesn't yell at me to get out of the silly hole I am in; he comes and holds my hand (at the kitchen counter) and tells me its okay. In some way that helps me to be okay again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)