No Appeal?

I spoke with our adoption attorney today. He says he can't find any record of an appeal being filed over TPR.   I spoke with the caseworker today. She says she can't find any record of an appeal being filed. I asked the caseworker to check on this 2 months ago. Apparently it wasn't a priority. Now it looks like maybe we can adopt sooner than we thought. I am glad we can adopt them sooner, but frustrated that they took so long to look into this for us.

Our attorney thinks there is a good chance we can adopt by Christmas. He says he is very motivated to get it done because he doesn't get paid until it's done. Maybe caseworkers shouldn't get paid until they actually finish stuff.

At this point I really will be disappointed if they find the appeal. I am starting to get excited that maybe this is actually going to happen.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Why Can't I Relax?

I woke up this morning with that same old feeling in my stomach.  Every Monday I wake thinking, "What hoops do we have to jump through this week?" The judge's orders are clear, but I still half expect someone to call telling me I have to prepare the boys for a visit or something like that.

I am so grateful to God for these visits being stopped.  It is such a big relief, but I think I am having trouble convincing myself I don't have to watch them scream anymore.  Maybe when I have a week or two of relief it will start to settle into my mind.

From last Thursday on I have had moments of reveling in the idea that Baby, Tot, and Tyke have a good chance of becoming our boys.  When I see one of their smiling faces I get a rush of joy at the blessing that God may be allowing me to raise these precious boys.  I keep thinking over the last year as we have a normal happy moment.  I remember fearing that we would never be able to have that kind of moment.  I can't deny there are glimpses of the joy that may await me.

I am just waiting to relax.  It's possible I won't fully relax until the last papers are filed and the boys are forever ours.  Until then I know that anything can happen.  So even though I am blessed, and thrilled, and relieved, Feb 28th, TPR, can't get here soon enough.

He Did It!

Thank you God.  Thank you God.  Thank you GOD!  I learned the judge's decision late this afternoon.  Visits are done!!!

Ending Visitation

I am hoping we can end visitation soon.  It is so bad for the boys.  Tyke hates to go.  He's 3.  He screams and cries and runs and hides and begs not to go.  Today he played with the play therapist.  He put 3  dolls in the toy car to go to a visit and kept taking the boy doll he identifies as himself out and hiding it.  He pushed the car all over the place and crashed it into things with the other dolls inside.  However, he put the boy doll softly in my hands and would not put it back in the car.  The play therapist said, "This is all for a reason.  It is not a coincidence he always takes his doll out.  He put his doll with you."  Interesting and sad.

I talked to their play therapist today and she is going to join me tomorrow as I go to drop the boys for a visit so she can observe their behaviors to include in a report she plans to give the caseworker.  Sadly, I want Tyke and Tot lose it when I try to leave them tomorrow.  No one paid any attention at all when I was able to coerce them into doing things calmly.   Maybe 1 out of 4 times they go calmly and do not seem too worried.  I hope this isn't one of those times because then it makes me look like I don't know what I am talking about.  I hate them being sad, but  DC$  has to be confronted with the truth and see how traumatic these visits are for the kids. 


A note to current and future foster parents:  I spent months trying to help them go calmly to visits they hated and I paid for it when they got home.  They were angry, defiant, and aggressive.  Every time I helped force them to go I got to be one of the bad guys.  One day I woke up and realized I shouldn't tell them to look forward to things, or that it would be okay, or that they would have fun. I looked at my crying, screaming, 3 year old and said, "It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be mad Tyke."  That was a turning point for us.  Since that time he has gotten very angry about visits, but he isn't taking that anger out on me.



Back to my story.  Even the judge questioned the advocate on where he got the information from that the boys did not like visits.  I am sure even in that judge's mind my opinions are invalid because I am just a biased foster parent.  Thank God this biased foster parent looked for therapists who would take such little boys.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed the advocate to go to a visit.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed everyone involved to finally share their opinions that matched my own, because that is the only way my voice would ever be heard.

Looking further into the stupidity of it all... We, the foster parents have reported the boys' anger over visits, but that's not enough.  The visitation supervisor has now reported the boys' lashing out regarding visits.  That's all the voice most foster kids have regarding visitation, but it's not enough.  My boys' are lucky to have an advocate who reported that the boys did not want to be at the visit he attended and that they asked him to bring them home to mommy.  Most foster children do not have an advocate who goes to their visits, but that isn't enough.  My young toddlers are special, they have a therapist that they cry to and share their fears about visits.  She has sent reports that indicate the extreme duress the boys' feel regarding visits, but that    is   not    enough.  Finally, my boys also have a play therapist.  Her reports show that there is an increase in dysfunctional behavior, aggression, crying, and acting out in all of her meetings that occur after a visit has taken place, but that IS NOT ENOUGH!

Now I am supposed to believe with one more report from the therapists visits will end.  I pray this isn't just another pointless exercise.

Now for a hallelujah moment. 
I know some of you are praying and I can't thank you enough. To all of you that have been praying, Thank you so much.  Yesterday I felt so covered in prayer.  My family and friends, my church and their churches were praying.  I know some of you were praying and I kept thinking of James 5:16 (the 2nd half)

  ... The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

 

God gets the glory for yesterday and I can't thank Him enough. 

I believe our prayers lift our causes before his throne.  Revelations 5:8 shows us that 24 elders go before the throne of Heaven.  They hold golden bowls full of incense that are the prayers of the saints. I am sure God is used to the tiny fragrance of my prayers coming before him regarding the boys, but I know that yesterday the incense of all of our prayers for these boys future was powerful indeed.  Thanks again.  There is power in multiplied prayer.

They Filed!!!

We went to court and it took forever to actually get in.  I shared pics of the boys with bio-mom and bio-grandma.  I complimented them on the cute outfit they had put on Baby at the last visit and told them I put it on him again today.  They seemed very pleased by this.  I offered to send her pictures via email if she had an address for me, but she did not.  They tried to get my phone number and facebook info while we were talking but I blamed DC$ confidentiality rules and said we could not share that kind of thing.

Bio-Grandma had a long, very loud phone conversation with someone where she talked a very big game.  Turns out she has bags of evidence she just can't find right now that when she finds it will prove they are all out to get her daughter.  At one point she said very loudly, "Oh no, the foster family is good people, S_____ has spent time with them and she says they are very nice."  This makes me happy.  I don't want to be seen as the enemy because I feel like that jeopardizes my family.  If they want to make DC$ and the Advocates the bad guys that is fine with me.  If I have to stand up and speak I will, but I'd rather not have to place a target on myself.


After those two went to a different area I asked the advocate if they were filing for termination today.  He looked at me sadly and said, "No, I wanted to tell you that.  I got the report on what they are filing and they are going to focus on another issue entirely and ask for a later court date."

I pulled out my phone and texted all 5 of my immediate family and we were all instantly praying.  We were called into court and everyone sat down.  The DC$ attorney and the caseworker conferred and then spoke up and asked for a few more minutes because they had forgotten some paperwork.  We all had to leave the courtroom again.  We came back in 10 minutes later and low and behold in that time they had decided to file for termination.

They explained that except for visits NONE of the case plan was being followed.  The date was set for trial. The judge asked if they were going to continue to offer services (think visitation) and caseworker says, "Yes."  What??? I did not like that part.

Then the advocate got to speak and he brought up how much the boys hate visits.  He told how therapists, the visit supervisor and themselves had all witnessed this.  The judge commented that it was understandable with the boys being so young that they were bonded with us.  He looked at DC$ and said, "I assume you are monitoring this?"  I was thinking NO.   "If it gets to be too traumatic for the boys you will bring it to my attention?"  They said they would.  We will see.

After court I caught up with caseworker.  She was speeding out of the building and wouldn't slow down or stop.  She said the attorney told her to leave in this manner.  She said, "I am glad you caught up with me.  I can't appear to be biased in any way. I need reports from their therapists about visits then I can put a stop to them."  Weirdly enough the therapists had offered to do this several times already.  I left her speeding for her car.  She claimed the bio-family was getting volatile and she had to get out of there.  Maybe she did.  I didn't see that part of it because we left right away as we were at the back of the room.

I wanted to dance in circles.  Next step down.  Finally.  At least the boys have a chance at freedom now.  Thank God.

Feeling Good But Need Your Prayers

I am feeling really great lately.  I started taking Sam E a vitamin supplement for mood support plus an assortment of other herbs in something called Estroblend.  I was skeptical when I started, but I feel so much better.  I feel like me again.  I have also begun to notice quite frequently how much awesome is tucked inside of ALL of my kiddos.

The boys still fight and scream as toddlers will, the dishes still pile up, and the laundry is still a nightmare, but through it all I still feel in general that life is good, and God is good and it will all work out.   Cool huh?  When my attitude is upbeat everyone in the family seems to do better.  When they do better, I do better and so it is a good cycle rather than the other cycle.

The other cycle goes like this:  acting out leads to my exhaustion and then to short tempers which causes more acting out and on and on it goes.


Now for the other part...
We have court tomorrow morning.  I am told that it is quite possible they will file for termination tomorrow.  Once the permanency plan moves to termination then DC$ is no longer required to provide visitation.  So I suppose they still can give visits if they so choose.

We were supposed to have a visit yesterday early morning.  I got the boys up and got them all ready to go.  The visit supervisor was running late so I took them outside to play and wait.  Tyke is smart and he figured out what was up.  He started pleading.  "You call Visit Supervisor!  You tell her I don't want to go!"  He kept crying, "I want to stay with you!"

Eventually I did call because visit supervisor was running really late.  At this time I am informed that there is no longer any visit for that Monday.  It has been moved to the end of the week.  Grrrr - a little, but not too much because I am ridiculously well-balanced right now...  Still she, visit supervisor, could hear Tyke in the background saying, "You tell her I don't want to go!"

"It's okay Tyke," I say, "You don't have a visit today."

Tyke and Tot instantly cheer, "Yeah!"

Visit Supervisor overhears, "Wow." 

Exactly.

Toddlers should not have to deal with this.  No one should have to deal with this.  I want visits to be over for their sake as much as for my own.

Oh yeah, back to the prayers...  There are a lot of things swirling in my head.  If you can pray for any or all of these I would  be so grateful.

Can you pray for Bio-Mom to sign over her rights?

Can you pray they will actually file for termination?

Can you pray that they will put a stop to all visitation?

Can you pray that God would give the judge wisdom?

Can you pray that God would help the CASA and DC$ to speak up for the boys' best interests?

Can you pray for God's will above all else?

Thanks!  I can't wait to update you after court tomorrow.  Hope I have good things to say.

A Lot On My Mind

Well I have a lot of things knocking around in my head today...

We pulled the kids out of private school and are going back to homeschooling.  It was good timing with the break and we are just a homeschool family at heart so this is what is best for us.

I do not want a visit tomorrow!  I have the first family showing up tomorrow and I don't want the boys to be processing new people AND a visit.  Yes, and selfishly they are my babies and it breaks Tyke's heart, and I hate watching them drive away.

I keep worrying the boys will be sent home after the next court date Dec. 5th.  I don't know why I just keep thinking they are going to go.  I suppose its some weird fear of loss and seeing other children go places they should not.

Caseworker asked me if I am going to speak about the boys at court.  It was sort of random.  I guess if I am allowed I will make a statement.  I just don't know what all to say or not to say.  I've never done this before.

I have been dieting and exercising more regularly so I can eat on Thanksgiving relatively guilt-free.  I am down 3 lbs.  Really, I needed to diet so I wouldn't have to spend more money on jeans.  Thanksgiving is a good excuse too though. I actually just need to stop putting back on what I take off.  That's a lot harder though.  I decided to run 3 miles a few days ago.  I ran maybe like 1/10th of the distance and mostly I just walked.  Yes, that was a few days ago.  The kid logistics are hard.  I pushed baby in the stroller and that was way too hard!  My neck and shoulder were so sore.  Apparently I can't even push a stroller correctly.

3 Minutes in Court

I got the update late this afternoon.  The advocate let me know that court only lasted about 3 minutes.  Nothing was planned out.  They informed the court that bio-mom still wasn't meeting requirments and that they wanted to wait to file for tpr in early December.  The judge asked the advocate if that was acceptable and he said it was and the Judge replied, "See you all again in December." 

 The caseworker came to visit tonight.  She had told me she was coming this afternoon.  She showed up at about 7pm. When she got out of the car she talked to the boys in this strange overly cheerful voice.  She talked to me about all kinds of things.  Some of it case related and some not.  She shared how bio-mom was shocked that I could get Baby to smile.  I showed the caseworker all the pics in my phone of Baby grinning ear to ear.  Its not like a smile is an aberration Baby just doesn't like strangers. She talked about the election, her boyfriend, all kinds of stuff. 

The trust is gone.  I can't get it back.  I chatted and was friendly, but I just don't trust her anymore.  I think she tells whoever she is talking to what she thinks they want to hear and when she can't do that, she blames someone else instead of just being honest.  It felt weird the way she shared intimate details of her life and I had no desire to get all cozy with her and share anything.  These boys are at risk, huge risk, and she wants to sweep it under the rug like its no big deal and talk about her boyfriend?

I have no idea if this case will ever be terminated.  I have no idea if these boys will be sent back home.  If the caseworker cannot see the truth in front of her face than who else is there?  The advocate thinks they will file in December.  Well, I was informed they would file in September, and then October, and now December. 

At least the boys are here right now.   They are safe and happy and they know they are loved.

 Today did not start off so well though.  After the very rocky start to our day I took some advice I read on the Pearls of Price.  I remembered reading that sometimes she would have her twins start the day over when it started off badly.  Well the boys had to start their day over twice today, but eventually my sweet boys were back and the day with them turned out to be pretty sweet even compared to most days.  At least I had that today.

What I was told

I was told loud words and cussing erupted in the hallway and the sheriff posted by the courtrooms had to come and ask them to stop or leave. 

I was told B.M. will be serving the next month of weekends in jail until the next court date.


I was told the kids' advocate was blunt and said, "Ever since I got this case we do the same thing every month.  She makes promises she doesn't keep.  She blames everyone else and we give her more time and there are children to think about.

I was told the judge replied, "So you are getting tired of it?  We do have to look at the fact that these kids have been in the same home for 8 months.  There is bonding to think about.  We are reaching a point where we almost HAVE to terminate rights here."

This upset bio-grandma and she said she wanted custody of the kids.  The judge told her that he knows she wants custody, but it takes more than wanting them to get placement.  There are things she has to do and from what he is seeing between DC$ and the advocate's office no one wants to place them with her.

I was told they can file for termination October 5th, but that they will not file then.  They made an agreement with bio-mom's attorney not to file for termination until after the next hearing in late October.  Bio-Mom's attorney has requested a meeting at DC$ office mid-October, with bio-Mom, herself, and DC$ present.  I don't know why.

I don't know what is happening but the judge sees the kids interests in all of this!!!  I am so thrilled about that if nothing else.  I do wonder why they are meeting with the lawyer.  I wonder if they will try to make some agreement about Grandma together and circumvent the judge.  I wonder if they will make an agreement to give bio-Mom more time.  I wonder if the meeting will be in regards to voluntary relinquishment.  I wonder a lot of things.

I am happy that termination is within sight.  As precious as parent's rights are, the rights of their children are far more precious.  These babes don't deserve to have the rug ripped out from underneath them and be sent back to all the hell they were enduring.  They are safe now, and they are beginning to forget.  I hope it is God's will that they stay here, but my greatest hope is for his will above my own since I can't see the whole picture.

A Bit of an Update

I am waiting to hear what happens as a result of court today. 

One positive is that due to court today there is no visit for the boys.  Bio-Mom could have rescheduled, but she chose not to do that.  I am glad that we have this week off from visit drama.
 
The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit She told me court was actually today.  She told me not to get my hopes up.  She told me there is a good chance that bio-grandma would get placement.  She told me that bio-Mom will probably not serve time.  She said that they just want the judge to know she has not done what she is supposed to do and then they want her, the casworker, to file for tpr.  The caseworker wants bio-Mom to get at least 2 weeks in jail and then she wants to take a wait and see approach to determine how B.M. will behave once she has spent some more time in jail.  Huh?!  I am sorry, but forcing someone to do what their kids need by putting them in jail seems wrong to me.  No one would have to put me in jail to get me to be a willing parent to my kids.  The caseworker says she will file soon, but that it can take 90 days or more for the filing to go to trial.   

Caseworker also let me know about some possible changes. She says she may be replaced as she is trying to get another position within the agency.  She says the judge may be replaced after the election.  Even the top of the chain within her department has left recently.  All these changes could mean huge headaches for me, but they could be just what God is doing to make some positive changes.  I just keep praying that evil will be bound and God's will is done. 

I'll be posting again when I get an update on how court has gone. 

More Jail Time?

There is a court date on the 25th of this month to address the fact that even after 2 weekends in jail bio-mom is still not meeting the court ordered requirements for reunification.  They are looking for serious jail time this time around.

Why don't they just terminate rights?  This is so stupid and such a waste of taxpayer money.


I am told that bio-grandma is looking for placement.  I know from what Tyke alone has said that this woman is reprehensible and should NEVER get placement of these children.  This is the same woman who came to visits for a brief while and during that time Tot began to have non-stop nightmares and I had to seek medical advice and was advised to medicate him to sleep.  Thankfully, the need for that ended as soon as her visits with the boys ended.

There is weird pressure from those higher-up who are not even intimately involved in this case to keep vital evidence from coming to light.  The children's advocate has been threatened to keep silent about the evidence he has seen regarding the family.  What is going on?  I don't know, but I do know that we do not battle flesh and blood, but rather principalities and powers, so I will be praying like crazy.






I would like to ask you all for a week of prayer.  The 25th is one week from today.  If you can please add the boys to your prayer lists.  I am praying for a breakthrough.  I am praying that bio-grandma will be removed as an option of placement for these boys and that bio-mom will relinquish her rights rather than face jail time for children she does not want to do even the simplest tasks for to get them back.

Today I am praying in general for the boys and this case and specifically that there will be no visit for them to endure and recover from tomorrow.

Please let me know if you can covenant to pray with me.  I could use the encouragement.

Results of Court and Where it Leaves Me

In the quiet room with somber people nothing much was said or done today.  Of course.

Bio Mom failed to show up for a team meeting yesterday and no one brought it before the judge.

Bio Mom perjured herself about where she was when she missed drug testing  and no one called her on it.

She also perjured herself on the amount of hours she claimed she was working at her new job.

She was sentenced to a couple weekends in jail for failing to follow the judge's previous orders for her.

She was ordered to complete parenting classes.

She was ordered to complete a drug treatment program.

She is expected to continue visitation, drug testing, efforts to find housing, and working her job (Which she claims she works from 6:15 to 5:15 everyday for the last few weeks although the place of employment reports she has worked a total of 29.5 hrs since starting).

The caseworker asked me why we were present at court today.  I asked if her if we were not supposed to be there.  "Oh No!" she said, "You have a right to be here I just wasn't expecting you."  It felt weird.  I  have received no less than 3 emails within the last 2 days from the caseworker telling me to keep good reports so she can give them to another family should the children leave my home.  She is also continuing to remind me that others are concerned that foster families can sabotage reunification efforts (if only that were actually possible), so I need to be very careful about how I handle things.  She also continues to let me know that none of the abuses reported to the hotline are substantiated even though she believes me. 

I also follow Cherub Mamma, her posts are breaking my heart and I am questioning why I am doing any of this. 

I want to do what the Lord has called me to and I am going to ask him to speak very specifically to me regarding all of this.  I am ready to call our licensing worker and tell her to sign us up for the adoption only track. 

I WON'T do any of this if God tells me to be still and wait, but I still feel like we are supposed to adopt.  I still do not feel right about walking away from that calling, but I don't know if my heart will be able to handle touching the danger again only to hope this time it will be different.  I do not think I will be able to do that.  So I am trying to decide if the caseworker is trying to keep me nervous and in line while she does whatever wrong thing she wants or if this is just all a part of the journey.

More rambling...

Yesterday I was looking at Liv's baby pictures from when she was 5 months old.  The boys have been with us longer than that.  It struck me the  unconscious ownership of my baby girl that I felt.  I never marked the feeling and named it as such.  It just was.  I looked at Baby.  As much as I love him I have NEVER felt that for him.  Facts are facts, he is not mine and the moments when love for him overwhelms me it is ALWAYS accompanied by guilt and restraint.  I cannot love him like he is mine, I think.  He is not mine.  Sometimes I give in and fantasize a little about being able to introduce them as my boys.  It lasts mere minutes, reality is always there reminding me of the truth of things.

If I felt Cy and Liv were in danger I would leave this country and never look back if that is what it took.  I would never do that with these boys.  I don't have that right.  They are not mine.

I know for my family we cannot walk this road paved in question marks again.  This is the worst case of child abuse I have ever encountered and there is no real protection for these boys save what God would divinely inspire.  To this point, God has not chosen to terminate that sacred right of parenthood belonging to Bio Mom.  He may even now, be allowing and orchestrating another opportunity for redemption in this family.  His mercies are so great to me, I cannot question His wisdom and righteousness in doing it for another, no matter the sins committed.  I am only sure of one thing, if he wants me to adopt OTHER children than it is not in our future children's best interest or mine to hang on to the bitter end in this case.

This is where my mind is today.  It's a place in time.  I do not know if it will have bearing on tomorrow or not.  I will pray.  I only know where I am right now.

Court Today

The boys' B.M had court today.  Ryan took off work so we could  both be present.  It is no fun waiting for someone to remember the foster parents may want to know how things went.

The caseworker was absent due to her Father's death.  There was a fill-in.  I was surprised when the DC$ attorney asked for a 90 day sentence for B.M's failure to follow the court ordered protocol for reunification.  They mentioned failed drug tests, they mentioned lack of attending visits, they mentioned failure to participate in parent training, etc.  When the judge asked for documentation no one, NO ONE had brought the actual paperwork  to back up their claims.  Even the advocate, whom I truly like, said he had the documentation on his computer in his office.

B.M. was ready for a fight today.  She waved her hands around and came off cocky like someone was trying to steal her kids.  The advocate did well to point out all the failed drug tests.  At least he had submitted a report.  B.M. did not deny failing the drug tests she actually said, "I have  made it to ALL my drug testing since the last court date."  She also tried to claim she had made it to all the visits.  Just not true, but without the caseworker there no one had the information at had to refute her statement.

The judge then asked her if she had a drug problem.  No.  He asked her if she loved her kids.  Yes.  He asked her if she wanted them back.  Yes.  

Judge set another court date to follow up on the allegations of failed drug tests etc.  Now we wait until July for the next go-round.  He set the next permanency hearing for early in December.  We will have had the boys 10 and 1/2 months at that time.  Craziness. I would not want to be that judge.  If you come without evidence you are wasting his time!  Do they not think of these things?!

After that we headed home and I was ranting to my husband about how fragile the whole thing is and about how it is going to take a miracle for these boys to be free from the abuse they suffered.  The worst allegations cannot be substantiated.  All we have are the words of a 2 year old, so they will not be bringing that up in court.  Ryan was not surprised.  It's why he cannot bond as I have.  Chances are they will be returned to the mess they came from.  He let me rant, he's a nice man. 

Tonight the boys are at a visit.  B.M. was all worked up when she called to confirm.  The visit worker said B.M. left a message saying, " you better bring my kids to the visit!"  I helped load the boys.  I did not make sure they napped today.  I gave them 2 big fluffy marshmallows a little bit before they left.  Not nice of me, but I am frustrated and I will be honest.  I don't want her having a lovely visit.  After they left I just cried on my hub's shoulder a little bit.  I hate visits.  I really, really hate them.

I wonder if they will file for termination in October as was indicated or if they will just wait until December.  In some ways the long wait until December is nice.  I will get to hang on to my boys and love them that much longer and for that I am thankful.

Interrupted

Well here are the latest updates for Tyke, Tot, and Baby.

Bio-Mom got one visit a week given back.  The judge said she could not reschedule services or it would count as a cancellation.  She is not allowed to reschedule or cancel one or she loses visits again.  She had a visit scheduled for Thursday and yes, she rescheduled the visit.  No one told the visit supervisor about the judge's ruling (of course) so the supervisor accepted the rescheduling and Bio-Mom did make Saturday's visit.  Score one for B.M.  She also got a job.  Score another for her.

This week the boys' Grandma will be given a visit.  I am transporting for that.  I don't know what to expect.

On the home front things are looking somewhat better.  We had some excellent family time this weekend.  I am really enjoying having a helper for the summer.  I only had her for 3 days last week and it was a huge stress relief.  I want to be clear that this is not help so I can sit on my butt and eat bon bons.  I still manage my household, its just like having extra arms (every mom's dream).  It was a thrill to work my way down my old everyday to-do list and actually get most of it done.

 I also sat down with my helper and we talked about my goals for this summer.  I want to go out and enjoy summer with all 5 Littles.  I want to help Tyke get potty trained.  I want to help Tot with screaming fits, and I want to make sure everyone can play outside a great deal and stay safe while doing it. Oh, and I'd like to be able to get basic housework done everyday.  That's pretty much it.

I know I discussed worrying about what others think I should or should not do.  This people-pleasing is a problem for me, and it has begun to make me crazy.  So instead of going off the deep end trying to make it all work I say this, "I know we are supposed to go out Saturday night.  I am feeling anxiety because I want to make you happy, but I am nervous that all of our sitters will have plans."  I am trying to just do my best and forget the rest.

Ok so right now I am feeling anxious because I want to finish this and go back and recheck/edit so it will be written well, but there is a little boy upstairs fussing because he just woke up.  I have to choose.  I choose Tyke.  Catch ya'll later!

A Step in the Right Direction

The caseworker wanted to come and visit the boys yesterday.  She called me 40 minutes before she arrived, but I was able to make it work.  I'm glad I did.

She came and we talked.  She said she wants to terminate rights.  I asked about placement with Bio Grandma.  She basically said, she would not willingly place a dog with this woman...  Interesting. I asked about other family.  She said, "No one is stepping forward."

I know the kids' court advocate wants to terminate.  Now the caseworker is saying she wants to terminate.  I know this could all be the flavor of the week, but I was ridiculously happy after talking with her yesterday.

As the day wore on and I settled down I realized that her saying termination does not mean it will happen.  We have a long way to go.  There is a court date on May 23 in regards to Bio-Mom's lack of following the case plan.  Before, the caseworker told B. M.  the judge would warn her and give her one more chance.  Yesterday she was saying the judge may decide there should be no more visits.

She said she may have to give some visits to Bio Grandma, because she needs them to document Bio Grandma's poor behavior with the boys.  However, the judge can say "no" to visits with Bio G.  because she has a criminal history.

Her biggest concern is if Bio G. actually gets an attorney because so much of what she knows about her is inadmissible as evidence.

I know this whole thing is a roller coaster.  I know that everything could change.  Still, for these boys, termination is the right thing to happen. It is a step in the right direction  with the caseworker acknowledging a need for termination.  If nothing else, she has taken that step for now.

The next hearing after May 23 visitation hearing is June 20.  It is at this hearing that the advocate plans to ask or file for termination (I don't know which exactly).  With my caseworker on board that should be easier for him. 

A quick side story...  I had a family member diagnosed with a disease some years back.  I prayed for peace for the family.  I prayed for strength for the family member.   I did not have the faith to ask for healing.  I know how these things usually go.  My sister was praying too.  She declared to all of us, "I am not praying for peace and strength!  I am praying for HEALING!"  My family member was healed of what we were told was incurable.  This experience reminded me that it is always okay to pray for the impossible. 

God is able  to go outside of the circumstances and make things happen.  I know the bureaucracy I am dealing with.  I know this road is supposed to be hard and long and arduous.  I know that sometimes he uses that road, but... He doesn't have to.  I know my God and HE IS ABLE! I am going to pray for the miraculously short road and trust his goodness even if it is the long hard road.

Please pray with me for the undeserved blessing and favor of the Lord, May 23 and June 20.  God is able.

The Meeting

Well, I went to the meeting.  It all seemed pretty useless.  Bio-Mom did show up quite late to the meeting, after some strong coercion.  Everyone was polite and helped her come up with good answers to all the questions.  It was somewhat strange.

I want to hear your opinions about something... They are threatening to throw Bio-Mom in jail if she does not work the case plan.  This just doesn't seem right to me.  You can get a person to show up and have meetings with the threat of jail, but you cannot make them want to be a parent.  You can make them fake it for you, but that does nothing (in my opinion) to ensure they will be parents who are motivated to be there for their children.  What do you think?  Am I missing something?

They also asked her if in the event she is unable to work the plan and get her children back if there was someone she would choose to have her children.  She indicated her mother.  There are some problems there because of her mother's criminal history.  She does not meet Child Protective standards apparently, but the judge can choose to overlook the history.

We have visits scheduled again for next week.  I wonder what she will do with the threat of jail hanging over her...





Additionally, my caseworker visited yesterday and although the visit was pleasant she basically said Tyke was making things up, she doesn't think anyone hurt Baby (the bruising means nothing), the marks are not scars from injury.  It does not matter to her that doctors, therapists, foster parents, and forensic experts think otherwise.  It's just so weird.  I am not even angry anymore. 

I cannot protect them.  This whole thing is in the Lord's hands.  It all seems so crooked and perverse.  If she believes all she says then the system has no right to even hold the boys.  They never had any right to take them.

I believe Tyke.  I have seen the behaviors, I have heard his own words.  Two year olds don't make these things up.  Someone needs to believe him.  I may be the only person that does, and I really have no power to keep this from happening to him again.  It's sad.

An interesting update

Thank the Lord for the boys' advocate.  I heard nothing from my caseworker all day.  The hearing was at 8:30 this morning.  The advocate called and let me know the boys would not be leaving.  He also let me know that visitation was granted at least for now.

Thanks to all who are praying.  I know that prayers have been a shield of protection for these boys.  I know that prayers will continue to be a protection for them.  I am praying protection and for the truth to come out during any visitation that takes place.

 They are going to work to substantiate the things that Tyke is saying again, and they have some ideas for that.  They are going to ask that he go to a special center that can record his interview with a trained therapist.  This interview would then be admissible as evidence.  It would also be helpful in bringing an end to visits.  We did visit this place once before, but it was not successful.  Tyke was not willing to go anywhere without me.  The woman (he just met) used a somewhat bossy tone of voice with him and told him he had to leave his sucker with me (a sucker they provided by the way).  They treated him like he was 5 instead of 2, and then just said it could not be done.  So they are going to attempt to get permission to do the interview with the current therapist whom Tyke likes and trusts.  The center has a relationship with this therapist so it looks possible.  Tyke has no problem talking to this woman and has told her everything he told me and more.  This is the next thing to pray for.  I am praying Tyke will be allowed to interview with this woman.

Another development... Bio-Mom is 4 months pregnant.  Baby is only 5 months old.  Mom tested positive on a drug screen recently.  The judge told her if she tests positive again he will put her in jail until the baby is born.  Thoughts occur to me... if Tyke's abuse is proven what is the status of the next baby?  Will she just keep having babies?  Will they ask us to take them?  I only have room for 1 more, but I don't know if I could actually handle 1 more.  Craziness...

Empty.. and Full

My husband took today off to sort of say "Goodbye" to our little guys.  Even with my family here things felt really empty.
I am back in my favorite spot that I have had no time for in the past 2 weeks.  It's a rocker in the corner of my living room where I can see the pond.  I am beginning to see this as my waiting and hoping spot.  My heart is wondering what is next?  What will the Lord ask?  Will he let me have children to adopt now or will he want me to love and let go of others?
I really did very well today.  I accept that the boys staying here was not meant to be.  I know that is because my friends were praying for me.  Still after hugs and goodbyes that last look before the caseworker shut her door got me.  Frank looked just the tiniest bit scared and sad.  He is only 6 and my favorite thing to do with him was get him giggling.  For Frank, Middle, and Little, I put on my biggest smile and waved like I was excited for them.  I turned around quickly and headed for the house as my tears fell.  I love those boys.  I know it was only 2 weeks, but I love them.

After the boys left we spent some family time playing boys vs girls on Mario Cart.  The boys did win the tournament, but Mommy and Olivia were right on their tails and we did take a few races!  Tonight we will go make gluttons of ourselves over Mexican food (a family favorite).  Daddy is out in the workshop with the kids and they are doing quality bonding things with tractors and engines.  Tomorrow, I can do school again with only minor interruptions and life will go on, and even though life kind of feels empty I thank God because it really is still very full.

Maybe... Maybe Not.

The boys have been allowed to speak to their Mom by phone on a daily basis.  I have been very kind because I cannot and will not judge.  I am blessed by God to have the life I have. I think, because of my kindness she lets me know how things are going and her hopes etc.  A couple of days ago she said, "You probably won't have them very long.  My family is going to try and get them."  I let her know I understood and that was that.

Today she called to talk to me and let me know that court went well and the boys will be leaving in a week.  I do not know what to think as I would rather get updates from the caseworker.  Can I even trust what she is saying?  I don't know anything about her and so I am trying to just "hear" her without jumping to conclusions.

In truth my heart is a little sad because she may be right.  If they can be successfully placed with family that is what the courts aim for and I do understand that.  I am just sad because in one short week the boys have done so well.  Cyrus and Olivia have done so well.  Little has done a 180 in many of his bad habits and the older boys are doing so great with our lifestyle.

I feel a bit of frustration moving in.  I feel like detaching a little.  I did not want to be a foster parent, and now I really feel like I am one.  A foster parent is not a parent.  In the role of foster parent I feel like a glorified babysitter, and as much as we may love, and be kind, and train, and correct like parents, we do not get the payoff that comes from knowing that we will see the fruit of our investments some day. My heart is to blend my family with more children, not babysit someone else's.

:(  Sorry for the goofy sad face, but it says it all.