Peeing

Chi and I went to Sensory therapy today.  He did okay.  He had to pee one time more than usual, but that's it.  Fyi one of Chi's big things is having to pee when he's upset, bored, excited, mad.

He only moaned, cried, and twisted a few times on the ride home.  I picked up the kids, dropped off the sitters,  and headed to Walmart.   I decided to skip a ton of fights and keep him in his own cart and have Cy push Zee in another.  He, Chi demanded to pee 4 times while we were in there.   Demanding it involves screaming, sobbing, slobbering, and grabbing himself.  So I took him because if I don't he will pee himself.  The last time it was the faintest trickle, but it got him out of the cart!  He said he had to go again and started in, but then Cy said something about flushing him.  The show stopped instantly and he asked Cy not to flush him.  "I will just hold it okay Cy?"  This was said in a perfectly calm and normal voice as if he wasn't just losing it.  Part of me knows its manipulation,  but if I'm going to be cleaning pee then it works.

Later at  naptime I sent him to go potty and get in bed.  15 minutes later he's running around yelling he has to go potty.  So I let him.  5 minutes later he's screaming from bed that he has to go.  Wearing a diaper doesn't stop any of it.

So that's today so far.  Not feeling too snuggly right now.

Therapy Animals

Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before.  He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all.  He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis.  I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.

I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately.  Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around.  The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it.  He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy.  He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture.  If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.

Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action.  We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks.  There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off.  When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.

Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships.  But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad.  He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him.  He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.

I am loving on Chi lately.  He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.

Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.

Subpoenaed... Again

I received my subpoena for the second half of the termination trial.  I am supposed to call the attorney and go over it all with her.  I got the subpoena last Friday afternoon and I still haven't called.  I keep hoping the caseworker will call and say bio-mom voluntarily relinqushed. 


Is it obvious how much I really cringe about testifying? I had to psych myself up the first time around.  Here I go again.  I will call the attorney today.    I just want this part to be over already.

Speaking of things I have been putting off... I have Chi scheduled for an evaluation.  They are going to to do some general Occupational therapy testing and just see if he presents with any classic sensory processing disorder things.  I don't know if he has this or not.  I go back and forth.

His play therapist calls his issues, "Disruptive Behavior Disorder."  She says its not Oppostional Defiant or something like that because he has to show the behaviors across a range of places.  He is definitely oppositional and many times defiant, but then again aren't all 2 year olds?!

Seriously, though he must have the worst case of terrible twos I have ever dealt with.  I used to do a daycare for 7 boys.  Every foster placement we have ever had has been young boy sibling groups, and of course there is Cy, whom I have parented for 9+ years.   Chi takes the cake with defiance, but there is so much obvious anxiety to it.  Last week he decided he was newly terrified of bugs, as in, they didn't used to faze him in the least.  It used to be snakes and how a one year old gets a fear of snakes I will probably never know.  Yesterday he had what I will call panic attacks all day because there might be bugs.  It was a hard day for all of us.

He is doing better today.  Thank goodness.  The thing Chi needs more than anything is prayer.  He wants so much to be happy and do well, but  some kind of switch flips.  Poor Baby.

News, but not Termination

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!  We got to trial and the defense attorney told everyone she would need a 2 and 1/2 hour break in the middle of the court day for some personal thing.  This screwed up everything for the police, therapists, and doctors, all lined up to testify so court is now postponed until April.

On a good note the attorney for DC$ had a private meeting with us.  She shared her plan and I am feeling much more confident about the whole thing.  Ryan and I won't testify unless she feels it is absolutely necessary.  If it looks like we will testify she is going to have us in to practice things.  They will also prevent me using my full name in court and redact our name and address from the court records.

At this meeting I learned that the original police and investigators are more than willing, they are practically lining up to testify for on the boys' behalf and in support of termination.  With the boys being so little and the crimes committed against them being so severe...  well, good people want to help.  The attorney reminded us this is an extraordinary case. She explained that this is the kind of case that even "bad" parents are shocked by.

We went through pictures of evidence the officers, hospital, doctors, and investigators had taken.  I forgot just how bad it was.  Seeing those pictures again... I cried.  My poor babies, but they are safe now.  I can wait.  At least they are safe. 

The attorney also complimented us on our care of the boys.  Those present told us we were amazing for hanging in there with the boys because their behaviors were some of the worst they had seen.  I cried again when they said this.  It's not that complicated.  I'm not that great.  I just love them.  They make me crazy and I love them with every fiber of my being.





Oh and another thing.  Why did those with DC$ act like this was just some simple case of neglect?  In speaking with the attorney today I saw her raise her eyebrows at several comments we made and look pointedly at the caseworker.  "I had never heard that," she stated.  I let her know I sent these things in by email, and she was surprised.

Another good thing.  We can cut Baby's hair, they will probably move us to an adoption caseworker anyway, and the lawyer made our caseworker practice her statements for court today.  The caseworker told me it was a good thing.  She realized she was NOT ready to testify.  They are planning to practice several more times prior to the next court date.

So now we hope she signs away rights or termination happens for real next time.  I want her to sign away her rights... sort of.   I saw the pictures and I never want another baby to go through that kind of thing.  If God is choosing this path so DC$ has the right to remove future babies, then I am not going to question that plan. Preventing two months of waiting isn't worth putting another baby through the nightmare my little ones were living.

The lawyer says from here we are looking at nearly a year until we could adopt.  I'm okay with that.  I just need to know they will never go back.

AHHHH!!!

Seriously aggravated here...

My phone call...

Me: Hi Caseworker what's up?

Caseworker:  Bio Mom showed up for most recent drug test.  I know she is going to show up for court now.

Me:  Oh... That's dissappointing.

Caseworker: (Sounding shocked)  I know!  She hasn't shown up to anything in so long.  I really didn't expect her too.

Me:  Yeah, I was kind of hoping she would keep the pattern going.

Caseworker: (Sounding overworked)  I don't even have my timeline done yet!  I was supposed to have that done.  The lawyer told me to have it done and be practicing my statements, but I really didn't think she'd show!

Me:  (Faking nonchalance)  Is the timeline difficult?

Caseworker:  Oh yeah it's going to take me forever.  (Laughing)  Nothing like waiting until the last minute.  (More laughing.)

Pause....   What do I say here?  She's not READY?

Me:  Well, I have been praying.  I have my whole family praying.

Caseworker:  (Still laugh-talking)  You tell them they aren't praying hard enough!

I kind of like my caseworker on some levels, but she has no idea the horror she struck into my heart.  We have been subpoenaed and I have been going back through everything I have had to report to DC$ or just personally noted.   I spent the last two days sorting through my notes of all of the horrors the boys have endured.  Spending all of this time looking at the reality of what they have come from.  They CANNOT go back because the defense is able to make the caseworker look incompetent.

On a good note.  I found out both therapists are subpoenaed to testify.  I have heard the judge really respects their testimony.  I am relieved they will be there, especially with the advocate unable to appear.  (Please keep him in your prayers.  His cancer is very aggressive.)


Oh yes in case I posted wrong on this blog court is Thursday, not Wednesday.

What are we doing?  We are making sure our notes for testifying are rock solid with dates and times etc.  We are praying.

Please pray?

Flipping my Calendar

I flipped the calendar page today for February.  I saw where I had written Terminaion Trial.  I am excited and scared of that date.  I pray that trial is the end of wondering if they could somehow be sent back.

Without visits things are relatively calm.  I can tell the boys are in a better place.  We are all in a better place.  Life is a lot easier now.  Taking away that constant trauma has given us a sense of normalcy.

I am still dealing with stuff, but its a lot better than it was.  I don't know why, but both of the boys, at different times, relived their past today.  They were playfully acting out abuse.  They haven't mentioned this stuff  for awhile. I want to help them forget, but I don't want to coerce them into not talking about things they need to talk about.  It's a fine line.

Ryan and I did remove dolls today.  When they try to reenact stuff it seems to pull them back emotionally as well.  We encouraged another type of play and a new toy.

I don't like not knowing for certain what is right.  We are following our guts here.  Our guts tell us not to let the boys wallow in muck and so we do our best to acknowledge, affirm, and move on.  As the therapist recommends, we say, "I know that sad thing happened, but its all done now."

Maybe I will flip that calendar to March knowing the boys are forever free.  When I see them relive the past my own doubts and fears will be gone and I can speak with conviction, when I say, "That is all done now."

An Answer?

I looked up Sensory Processing Disorder late last nigh or rather very early this morning..  Both of the therapists have mentioned it.  I could check nearly every single symptom for Tot, and just about as many for Tyke.

There are different types. I am oversimplifying here, I know.  One type goes after any stimuli, Tyke fits way too many of those symptoms.  Another type recoils from stimuli and Tot fits nearly every single symptom for that category.  If I remember correctly I also read something about it being hereditary, which would make sense.

I DO NOT want to label them.  I DO NOT!  I also fall into the category of those who believe children are too easily diagnosed, but...  If going down this path gets me resources or just ideas to better give the boys what they need, then how can I not look into it?  With Tot, especially, I feel out of resources. 

I need to say this for me.  I just love these little boys.  I would never willingly let them go.  Sometimes the future IS daunting.  I wonder did God really choose me for this?  I feel so inadequate. It is humbling and frustrating and draining not to KNOW what to do in a situation.  We are making it and we have already come so much farther than what I could have imagined.  Every day God is faithful.  Every day I marvel at what he is doing in these boys, in this family, and in me.  Just had to add that.

My Little Swinger

I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Tot is a handful.  He continues to be the biggest challenge.  In an attempt to break the cycle yesterday I took him with me on a special trip to the store to choose a book.  Although he was pleased with being a "big boy", he couldn't stay in that happy cooperative place.  He had to whine, and run, refuse to cooperate, and tantrum.  We had a couple of sweet moments, but it was at his choosing not mine.

Today I watched him play.  While Liv's back was turned he began swinging his arms like he was going to hit her. He wasn't mad, he just appeared to consider the idea worthwhile.  All of a sudden he glances down and sees a toy.  He stops and his face registers Oh!  I want that toy! Instantly the arms stop and he grabs the toy and the possible hitting scenario is over. 

I know if that toy hadn't been there it would have been yet another instance of someone coming to me to complain about being hit by Tot.  I feel like I learned something. The destructive/aggressive tendencies don't have to come from anger.  At least it doesn't look like anger.  I don't know what to do with what I learned, but its a new way to think about it I guess.

As the day has worn on I have been reaching out to Tot as soon as he starts swinging his body in a dangerous or aggressive way. I hold him and say,  "Shh Tot, shhh, its okay, baby.  It's okay."  He curls into me and buries his head in my abdomen.  He settles down right away. 

I noticed that me being there to touch him makes a  huge difference in play therapy as well.  I hope I can keep this up for him.  I am already a very touchy mama, but this amount of holding feels uncomfortable even for me, but if it is what he needs I hope I can keep it up.  This kind of parenting also does not work when trying to keep five children functioning in an out-of-home environment.

The way things are right now, I cannot leave the house with him, without Ryan to help.  It does not matter the situation he nearly always does something to sabotage his (and therefore my own) enjoyment of it.  I will talk the therapists some more, but my best hope is just to pray him through it.

Follow-up to court today.

Before court bio-grandma was questioned about being rough with the boys by the caseworker, the advocates office, and by her daughter's attorney.  They both readily admitted to being rough with the boys.  They said, "Yeah, but they was screaming at us and hitting us, and kicking. They was the ones being bad."  Wow, she did not even deny the accusations.

Then at court DC$ surprised me, the judge, and the advocate by siding with the advocate and they joined the motion to have visitation taken also!  Every person who could be on board with stopping visitation was on board. 

Court was very short.  Because DC$ joined the motion late there was a little paperwork issue.  The judge said he will read through the motions and make a ruling.  We are supposed to know the ruling by Friday morning at the latest. 

Bio-Mom's attorney of course argued against the stopping of visits, but the argument was really weak.  I hope the judge thinks so too.

Then the caseworker came over for a visit today.  She was like she used to be.  She was positive and forthcoming with information, and very determined to finish this thing.  I actually really like her when she acts this way.  She feels very strongly that DC$ will win this case.  Bio-Mom failed her last drug screen and came up with a very illicit drug in her system.  The caseworker made sure to include this newest information in her report.

She and I both said at different points we don't see bio-mom signing away her rights.  Bio-Mom could never even have that conversation with her attorney.  Her own mom is always present and always does nearly all the talking. Bio-Grandma will not let bio-mom back away even though bio-mom has tried to.  The caseworker told me that it is too bad because if bio-mom ever gets pregnant again they will take the baby at birth.

The caseworker talked a lot to me about adoption.  She is excited for the boys and told me she can see how loved they are here.  She said she hopes this is one of the cases were the kids forget nearly everything about their past.  Me too.

That was today.  All the pieces fell into place and I am so blessed about that.  Now, I wait to hear the judge's decision.

Now I Am A Brainwashing Expert

At the visit today Bio Mom got served.  She now knows there is a court date to take away visitation.  The advocate called to let me know it was happening today.  Apparently there were no fireworks.  I am grateful for that for the boys' sakes.

During our phone conversation the advocate told me he sent letters to my caseworker, her supervisor, and the head of the DC$ in that area.  He told them they have been ignoring the boys' well-being and now, as the advocate for the children, his hand has been forced.  He has to speak up for the babies because no one else will.  The advocate claims my caseworker is trying to save face.

How is she doing this?  She is saying we are brainwashing the kids.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Two therapists, a doctor, the advocate, and the visitation supervisor have all documented and contacted DC$ regarding the many signs of abuse and fear the boys have exhibited over the last year.  However, ALL of this is because I am brainwashing them. 

I don't know what to expect at the hearing to take away visitation and/or the Termination hearing.  Will she work to protect the boys or will she sabotage the boys in her own interests?  I am not afraid.  I am praying and I am not going to walk around in fear while I wait to see how things go, I am just waiting on God.

If you don't mind (I know I ask a lot) please keep us in your prayers.

They Don't Care, But He Does.

One of the therapist is coming today to witness the boys leaving for their visit.  I want to tell her to forget it.  I really feel like it no longer matters who witnesses this sad behavior.  All we are is a witness to tragedy, but ultimately we can't do anything.  It's going to take an act of God.  Not, another report from a therapist.  These people don't care. 

They have to participate in this nightmare another 21 times until termination hopefully happens.  I want to cover them with kisses and make all kinds of promises about their future.  I want to tell them they will stay here forever, and that this is just a short visit, but until termination happens I don't feel like I can do that. I want to do all the caseworker tells me to do just to stop their tears.  It may not be real security, but a distraction may be enough for now.

My problem is I don't trust them.  I took two completely terrified toddlers and through God's grace I helped them find peace and trust.  I helped them learn to be good even in bad situations.  The visit supervisor's reports became covered in glowing remarks about Bio-Mom's skills.

One day Tyke asked me, "I stay with you forever, ever, ever?"
I told the truth, "I don't know.  Mommy S______ wants you to come back to her.  It's up to the judge."

On that day the gloves came off for Tyke.  He started acting out at home and at visits.  I freed him further when I announced I would not be angry with him or that he would not get in trouble for being mad about visits.  Visit behavior got worse and home behavior got better.

I am still waiting on that miracle to stop visitation.  The one only God can deliver. I am blessed that I at least know an end point. The termination trial is set, but how can I help these boys from now until then?  . 

On a good note...  Sort of...  Tyke is sick so he can't go to the visit.  I wish he wasn't sick, but I am glad he can be spared the trauma today.

Ending Visitation

I am hoping we can end visitation soon.  It is so bad for the boys.  Tyke hates to go.  He's 3.  He screams and cries and runs and hides and begs not to go.  Today he played with the play therapist.  He put 3  dolls in the toy car to go to a visit and kept taking the boy doll he identifies as himself out and hiding it.  He pushed the car all over the place and crashed it into things with the other dolls inside.  However, he put the boy doll softly in my hands and would not put it back in the car.  The play therapist said, "This is all for a reason.  It is not a coincidence he always takes his doll out.  He put his doll with you."  Interesting and sad.

I talked to their play therapist today and she is going to join me tomorrow as I go to drop the boys for a visit so she can observe their behaviors to include in a report she plans to give the caseworker.  Sadly, I want Tyke and Tot lose it when I try to leave them tomorrow.  No one paid any attention at all when I was able to coerce them into doing things calmly.   Maybe 1 out of 4 times they go calmly and do not seem too worried.  I hope this isn't one of those times because then it makes me look like I don't know what I am talking about.  I hate them being sad, but  DC$  has to be confronted with the truth and see how traumatic these visits are for the kids. 


A note to current and future foster parents:  I spent months trying to help them go calmly to visits they hated and I paid for it when they got home.  They were angry, defiant, and aggressive.  Every time I helped force them to go I got to be one of the bad guys.  One day I woke up and realized I shouldn't tell them to look forward to things, or that it would be okay, or that they would have fun. I looked at my crying, screaming, 3 year old and said, "It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be mad Tyke."  That was a turning point for us.  Since that time he has gotten very angry about visits, but he isn't taking that anger out on me.



Back to my story.  Even the judge questioned the advocate on where he got the information from that the boys did not like visits.  I am sure even in that judge's mind my opinions are invalid because I am just a biased foster parent.  Thank God this biased foster parent looked for therapists who would take such little boys.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed the advocate to go to a visit.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed everyone involved to finally share their opinions that matched my own, because that is the only way my voice would ever be heard.

Looking further into the stupidity of it all... We, the foster parents have reported the boys' anger over visits, but that's not enough.  The visitation supervisor has now reported the boys' lashing out regarding visits.  That's all the voice most foster kids have regarding visitation, but it's not enough.  My boys' are lucky to have an advocate who reported that the boys did not want to be at the visit he attended and that they asked him to bring them home to mommy.  Most foster children do not have an advocate who goes to their visits, but that isn't enough.  My young toddlers are special, they have a therapist that they cry to and share their fears about visits.  She has sent reports that indicate the extreme duress the boys' feel regarding visits, but that    is   not    enough.  Finally, my boys also have a play therapist.  Her reports show that there is an increase in dysfunctional behavior, aggression, crying, and acting out in all of her meetings that occur after a visit has taken place, but that IS NOT ENOUGH!

Now I am supposed to believe with one more report from the therapists visits will end.  I pray this isn't just another pointless exercise.

Now for a hallelujah moment. 
I know some of you are praying and I can't thank you enough. To all of you that have been praying, Thank you so much.  Yesterday I felt so covered in prayer.  My family and friends, my church and their churches were praying.  I know some of you were praying and I kept thinking of James 5:16 (the 2nd half)

  ... The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

 

God gets the glory for yesterday and I can't thank Him enough. 

I believe our prayers lift our causes before his throne.  Revelations 5:8 shows us that 24 elders go before the throne of Heaven.  They hold golden bowls full of incense that are the prayers of the saints. I am sure God is used to the tiny fragrance of my prayers coming before him regarding the boys, but I know that yesterday the incense of all of our prayers for these boys future was powerful indeed.  Thanks again.  There is power in multiplied prayer.

They Filed!!!

We went to court and it took forever to actually get in.  I shared pics of the boys with bio-mom and bio-grandma.  I complimented them on the cute outfit they had put on Baby at the last visit and told them I put it on him again today.  They seemed very pleased by this.  I offered to send her pictures via email if she had an address for me, but she did not.  They tried to get my phone number and facebook info while we were talking but I blamed DC$ confidentiality rules and said we could not share that kind of thing.

Bio-Grandma had a long, very loud phone conversation with someone where she talked a very big game.  Turns out she has bags of evidence she just can't find right now that when she finds it will prove they are all out to get her daughter.  At one point she said very loudly, "Oh no, the foster family is good people, S_____ has spent time with them and she says they are very nice."  This makes me happy.  I don't want to be seen as the enemy because I feel like that jeopardizes my family.  If they want to make DC$ and the Advocates the bad guys that is fine with me.  If I have to stand up and speak I will, but I'd rather not have to place a target on myself.


After those two went to a different area I asked the advocate if they were filing for termination today.  He looked at me sadly and said, "No, I wanted to tell you that.  I got the report on what they are filing and they are going to focus on another issue entirely and ask for a later court date."

I pulled out my phone and texted all 5 of my immediate family and we were all instantly praying.  We were called into court and everyone sat down.  The DC$ attorney and the caseworker conferred and then spoke up and asked for a few more minutes because they had forgotten some paperwork.  We all had to leave the courtroom again.  We came back in 10 minutes later and low and behold in that time they had decided to file for termination.

They explained that except for visits NONE of the case plan was being followed.  The date was set for trial. The judge asked if they were going to continue to offer services (think visitation) and caseworker says, "Yes."  What??? I did not like that part.

Then the advocate got to speak and he brought up how much the boys hate visits.  He told how therapists, the visit supervisor and themselves had all witnessed this.  The judge commented that it was understandable with the boys being so young that they were bonded with us.  He looked at DC$ and said, "I assume you are monitoring this?"  I was thinking NO.   "If it gets to be too traumatic for the boys you will bring it to my attention?"  They said they would.  We will see.

After court I caught up with caseworker.  She was speeding out of the building and wouldn't slow down or stop.  She said the attorney told her to leave in this manner.  She said, "I am glad you caught up with me.  I can't appear to be biased in any way. I need reports from their therapists about visits then I can put a stop to them."  Weirdly enough the therapists had offered to do this several times already.  I left her speeding for her car.  She claimed the bio-family was getting volatile and she had to get out of there.  Maybe she did.  I didn't see that part of it because we left right away as we were at the back of the room.

I wanted to dance in circles.  Next step down.  Finally.  At least the boys have a chance at freedom now.  Thank God.

Reruns

Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week.  He is usually "over it" by now.  He is going back to some old behaviors.  He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage.  He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast.  If you want him to go fast he will go slow.  If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor).  He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat.  Its all about control.  He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors.  He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them.  I haven't seen that in a very very long time.  I am sad.

I don't know what to do about it.  It's the visit.  He is tangled up inside.  It's the fact that he knows she wants him back.  He is a mess!  I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds.  Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home.  I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.

I pray bio-momma gives up her rights.  I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that.  The places I see him regressing to...  He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns? 

I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom.  I really feel like I am getting it.  The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted.  I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her?  Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted.  I could see clearly maybe for the first time.

I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys.  To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests.  Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.

Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.

I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths."  Proverbs 3:5  It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit.  When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet.  If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way.  He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.

Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk.  Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down.  The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will.  I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again.  Why can't we just get to the next part already?!  Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe.  He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things.  When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender.  One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.

See?  I told you God was working on me!

Oh the Craziness

Well, Tot has been a real struggle for me.  He does things that any 2 year old would do, but he does them to such excess.

  On the way to church Wednesday night he actually got to sit in a row in the van by himself.  I am used to something starting with Tot and someone every time we try to go anywhere.  There appears to be hitting, screaming, and general trouble.  Well Wednesday night he was sitting all by himself.  He flailed, he writhed, he screamed, he flopped his arms all over until finally he whacked himself in the eye.  In the same tattle tale voice he uses to tell on whoever sits by him normally he said, "Momeeeeee, I hit myself in the eye!"  We all hid our laughter.  He had to have a disagreement with someone and with no one available he chose himself.


Yesterday I think Tot, cried, whined, screamed, stomped, and flailed more than he had calm moments.  He ran from me every time I called him for a diaper change, or nap, or to eat, or to help him get his shoes on.  I have been berating myself fiercely for not being more patient with Tot.  Today it hit me, I AM patient with him.  I am soooo patient, but I just don't have endless reserves.  In the afternoon he was happily playing outside for about 2 seconds.  I passed out cookies for snack (I am trying to use up all the fall treats we have been receiving in the mail from family members).  Tot shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then proceeded to point and sob and scream through the cookie because he didn't have a cookie!

At one point I got so upset because he was fighting me for a diaper change and I was trying to avoid a mess. He got corrected, but I knew, I mean I KNEW that he absolutely did not get it and the behavior was going to repeat itself.  Sometimes all he does is hold himself still.  Its deer in the headlights look and I know nothing is going in. I have to calm him down, get eye contact, try to simplify the message and 50% of the time or more I still don't think he gets it.  The reality is in that moment I still needed to get supper, pick up a crying baby, make sure Cy fed the chickens, supervise homework, stop Tyke from climbing the outside of the stair railing, and just finish the stinking diaper change.   I know Dr. Purvis, I am supposed to stop everything, take my time and get eye contact, and use gentle touch and a gentle voice, and increase his sense of "felt safety," but all I have time for (actually I don't really have time) is a quick poopy diaper change.  Those are the moments when I just desperately need a break and there is none to be had.

At some point I wised up and I cried out to God for help.  He answered me and the day calmed down a bit.  Today seems to be better.  Whew!  This stuff is hard hard hard.  I wish I could afford a babysitter and a break tonight.  Maybe after bedtime I will eat like 3 cookies in a row, with milk, and I won't allow myself to feel guilty.  Then I will rush to spend some alone time with my husband because he needs me too.

Jonah

You know the story of Jonah most likely.  A prophet of the Lord, he is told by God to go and tell and the evil city of Ninevah to change its ways or it will be destroyed.  Jonah doesn't want the job.  He runs away and gets swallowed up by a great fish after being thrown overboard (I am leaving out details obviously).  Jonah prays and 3 days later the fish chucks him out and God tells Jonah, "Go deliver my message" and Jonah does.  Then Jonah waits in anger for the Lord to deliver the punishment the people of Ninevah have coming.  He waits and gets angry with God.  God doesn't destroy the city, but shows mercy because the people repent due to Jonah's message.  Jonah is angry and God lets him know that he prefers mercy and Jonah should want the same.

Well, last night I realized something.  I am Jonah.  For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah.  The people of Ninevah did evil things.  Bio-mom has done evil things.  They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much.  Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution.  God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption.  Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile.  I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.

I am still struggling here.  I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message.  Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion.  Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that.  He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.

Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die.  I say that in my own way.  I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused.  I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.

As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???"  Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing.  This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy. 

In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile.  God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude.  It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way.  No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is

I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom.  This doesn't serve myself or my Father.  I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism.   My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys.  My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer.  I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation.  I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever).  Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting.  I am not gonna lie here.)  Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.

It's one of those days...

It's one of those days were all three little boys are dysregulated.

 Baby follows me and cries. He gets picked up and is demanding. Eventually I put him down. Then he follows me and cries some more.  The cherry on the cake... during his current fit he just flailed his head and banged it on the table.  This round started because I wouldn't let him take my kindle.

Tot is angry and hitting today.  He wants to fight.  I hate those days.  We work through things the same way we always do and I think it is going to be okay, but then something in him has to push it farther.  He hits me, he hits someone else, steals a toy, kicks the dog.  I see his thought process... I am not done with this yet.  I want this to go farther.  WHY!?  I don't understand the pushing for more consequences.  I really don't.

Tyke is in a good mood... sort of.  He is in a flipping banging mood.  He threw himself down the stairs today after I warned him not to be flopping and flipping on the stairs.  The play therapist was here and saw the whole thing.  He walked up to the stairs and I think tried to somersault down them.  It didn't even raise my heartrate.  Its just one of those days.

Lately Liv has been ticked off at the world.  If the pattern continues she will probably be a mess after school too.  I pray she is okay.

Some News

I got some news.  This is going to be fast and messy because I have an appointment.

First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour.  It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.

Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently.  I love them so and it is such an easy love.  I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear.  When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this."  I feel bad admitting that.  I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.

Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today.  He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year.  They would really like to see it happen in November.  They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013. 

The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids.  After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her.  She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause."  The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).

That part makes me sad.  There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough."  She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.

With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible.   At least that is what I am told.  I will believe it when I actually see something official.  At this point it's all talk.

With the call from the advocate I do have hope today.  When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me.  I don't want things easy.  I want all of my kids to stay right here.  I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way. 

Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit.  The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days.  I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing.  All I can do is pray.  I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.

So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.