A Sampling

For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...

I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago.  My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her.  I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic.  She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water.  We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that.  :)  We truly enjoyed our girl time.

In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional.  He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me.  Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all...  He laid his head on me and I hugged him.  "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore."  He is my emotional boy.

Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone.  "Dis my Mom.  You gotta Mom?  Dis my Mom."  I love his ownership of me.  The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream.  He said, "I don't love you!  I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!"  I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face.  I had to admire his creative anger.

Then Obee got mad.  "CHI!  Dat's my MOM.  I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!"  At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back.  Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words.  I love that boy.

Backwards

Today felt like a step backwards. I have seen it coming in increments.

 Loving gestures from Tyke have started to feel a little fake lately.  He acts like he is going to give me a sweet kiss then quickly goes overboard and it feels like an unruly dog is in my face.  He seems to want a hug and suddenly he is yanking me by my neck.

He has been playing with toys in ways that replay his past.

He wants held like a baby and works hard so no one else can get that spot.  Including demanding "his spot" back when he sees someone else getting attention.

He smashes his food, rips his food, licks his food, and pretends to be eating food from an empty fork, but he still tantrums when his plate is removed.

When he plays with the other kids he is disrespecting their things and invading personal space.

Even Tot has gone backwards a little.  Spinning and moaning to keep my attention on him.  I have been teaching for the last year to ask for "Help," instead of screaming.  "Help,"  he says it over and over and refuses to tell me what he needs help with.  He says, "Help" to keep me looking at him.  It has become a sound without meaning.

There has been a trauma trigger.  I left for a few days.  Today, Ryan has gone back to work after some vacation time.  I guess its probably that.  There is a part of me that really resists this kind of thing as the reason behind the behaviors.  It feels like that places the blame on externals instead of on person doing the behaviors.  Blame is not the ideal word, but I am grasping to put what I feel into words here.

They haven't had a visit in 3 weeks.  Maybe... Probably there is grief.  As traumatizing as the visits were they were still a connection to her.

I just had to pray today that God will come and help here.  I suppose there will always be these moments when I feel like this is too big for me.  I have to step back and remember to take it one step at a time.

Why Can't I Relax?

I woke up this morning with that same old feeling in my stomach.  Every Monday I wake thinking, "What hoops do we have to jump through this week?" The judge's orders are clear, but I still half expect someone to call telling me I have to prepare the boys for a visit or something like that.

I am so grateful to God for these visits being stopped.  It is such a big relief, but I think I am having trouble convincing myself I don't have to watch them scream anymore.  Maybe when I have a week or two of relief it will start to settle into my mind.

From last Thursday on I have had moments of reveling in the idea that Baby, Tot, and Tyke have a good chance of becoming our boys.  When I see one of their smiling faces I get a rush of joy at the blessing that God may be allowing me to raise these precious boys.  I keep thinking over the last year as we have a normal happy moment.  I remember fearing that we would never be able to have that kind of moment.  I can't deny there are glimpses of the joy that may await me.

I am just waiting to relax.  It's possible I won't fully relax until the last papers are filed and the boys are forever ours.  Until then I know that anything can happen.  So even though I am blessed, and thrilled, and relieved, Feb 28th, TPR, can't get here soon enough.

He Did It!

Thank you God.  Thank you God.  Thank you GOD!  I learned the judge's decision late this afternoon.  Visits are done!!!

Follow-up to court today.

Before court bio-grandma was questioned about being rough with the boys by the caseworker, the advocates office, and by her daughter's attorney.  They both readily admitted to being rough with the boys.  They said, "Yeah, but they was screaming at us and hitting us, and kicking. They was the ones being bad."  Wow, she did not even deny the accusations.

Then at court DC$ surprised me, the judge, and the advocate by siding with the advocate and they joined the motion to have visitation taken also!  Every person who could be on board with stopping visitation was on board. 

Court was very short.  Because DC$ joined the motion late there was a little paperwork issue.  The judge said he will read through the motions and make a ruling.  We are supposed to know the ruling by Friday morning at the latest. 

Bio-Mom's attorney of course argued against the stopping of visits, but the argument was really weak.  I hope the judge thinks so too.

Then the caseworker came over for a visit today.  She was like she used to be.  She was positive and forthcoming with information, and very determined to finish this thing.  I actually really like her when she acts this way.  She feels very strongly that DC$ will win this case.  Bio-Mom failed her last drug screen and came up with a very illicit drug in her system.  The caseworker made sure to include this newest information in her report.

She and I both said at different points we don't see bio-mom signing away her rights.  Bio-Mom could never even have that conversation with her attorney.  Her own mom is always present and always does nearly all the talking. Bio-Grandma will not let bio-mom back away even though bio-mom has tried to.  The caseworker told me that it is too bad because if bio-mom ever gets pregnant again they will take the baby at birth.

The caseworker talked a lot to me about adoption.  She is excited for the boys and told me she can see how loved they are here.  She said she hopes this is one of the cases were the kids forget nearly everything about their past.  Me too.

That was today.  All the pieces fell into place and I am so blessed about that.  Now, I wait to hear the judge's decision.

The Last Visit?

I just finished helping get all 3 boys loaded for their last visit...  I hope it is their last visit.  First I had to chase the oldest 2 down as they ran away.  Then I got hit, and kicked, and screamed at.   I am the bad guy again, because I am part of making them go... Again.

What would visit supervisor do if I just walked away and let her chase them down?  She's come up with a great plan.  She grabs the easiest child, usually Baby, and stays in the van while I collect the others.   My leg still hurts where Tyke did a backward kick as he flailed in my arms.

Will tomorrow be the end of this nightmare?  Will the judge feel like he has enough to make this ruling?  Will DC$ help or hurt in this hearing?

I can't keep doing this.  Yeah, yeah, I know I will keep doing it no matter what, but tomorrow feels like a big domino for this case.  If anyone supposedly on the side of termination argues for visitation that will hurt termination.

...And here's the part where I look way too far out.  If the judge or DC$ is for continuing the visits it will be very difficult for me to believe termination will happen.  If termination doesn't happen then where does that leave me?  Will I just keep walking this road and hoping that maybe next time it will happen?  Will I keep walking it as they push again for reunification?

Today I pray and hope.  That's all I have.  Tomorrow has to worry about itself.

Fresh Horror

Maybe it is because I have gone to a deeper level in loving these boys.  Maybe it is because I have gotten used to the boys casually mentioning the things that have happened to them before their life here.  Whatever it was I was unprepared for Tot's story for tonight.

Tonight as I tucked Tot in he told me in a sleepy voice of one of the particular horrors of his life before coming here.  I was hit with fresh shock, and fresh horror.  It was like hearing it for the first time.  This baby, this precious, precious, child of mine should not even be able to remember, but he does.

I held it together and kissed his sweet little nose in our silly way. " Goodnight buddy.  I love you."  "Guh-Night Mom!"

I pulled the door close and I cried my eyes out.  Please, God, please, please, please God.  Please stop these visits.  Please set them free.

I remembered again that all of this isn't for me.  It's not about me.  I am not sorry, that I want these visits STOPPED!  I am not sorry that I never want her to see them again.  I AM NOT SORRY!

Only 2 Left

My mind is a bit split today.  I keep thinking about Court and praying about Court and I keep thinking about Bio-Mom.  If it is successful on Wednesday there are only 2 visits remaining.  There is a part of me that recognizes this would be bittersweet. It would be a beginning and ending for these boys and for bio-mom.

I learned Friday that, both of this week's visits were pushed into the first part of this week per the caseworker's request.  I still have to wonder whose side she is on.  We are stopping visits because of the trauma the boys suffer and her plan is to shove as many in as possible?  Some things I'll never understand.

Still, there is a very young Mom here who may be seeing her babes for one of the last times.  She has failed them terribly, but I do believe some part of her loves them.  It is best for the boys if visits stop, that is where I know I stand, but Bio-Mom was just a hurting kid once too.  Her childhood was by all indicators one of abuse and neglect. It would be easy to gloss over the tragedy she has and will suffer, but my mind is full of her today.  I feel like I want to pray for her, but I am nervous to ask God to save her and transform her because I don't want her to get it together and suddenly get her kids back.  That is AWFUL of me.  I hate that I am even writing it, but it is so true.  People try to tell me I am this good Christian (I think because we are foster parents), they have NO idea.

 Back to the visit part...  I don't want the boys to attend even one more visit because of how it affects them so I am praying and hoping that Wednesday marks the end of that nightmare and maybe the end of some of the actual nightmares they suffer through.   If visits stop I will be celebrating for the boys and for our family.  I am desperate to see these visits end.  I am tired of forcing them to go, tired of worrying what new trauma they will bring home, and tired of seeing them caught in a limbo that is part and parcel to the Foster Care experience. 

Now in obedience and also for accountability I am adding this...

Jesus, save bio-mom.  Transform her.  Remake her.  Remake her life.  I don't know what this prayer would mean for me, but I know I have to ask this for her.  God, you knew her before she was born.  You knit her together in her mother's womb.  She is a part of your plan and design for this world.  She needs you again.  Knit her again Lord.  Use her for your kingdom.  Forgive my wicked heart.  Help me accept your good and perfect will.  Amen.

Good Grouchy Days

I woke up grouchy because I stayed up too late watching television.  Actually, Baby was grouchy too and Tot seemed especially grating and loud this morning.  Oh yeah, actually we all got to bed late last night.  We were out watching Liv cheer in the Elementary Basketball game for our homeschool group's team.  We ended up staying for the Elementary, JV and Varsity games because they needed Ryan to help run the scoreboard.  That meant everyone's bedtime was over an hour late.  The kids were being maybe a little extra naughty and I was having a little less patience this morning.  They all got corrected, maybe a few more times than was necessary. They also got more loving from me because I knew I was being a tad demanding of them earlier.  Now, Baby is down for an early nap, Ryan is home from his morning errands and grouchy is fading away. 

I am looking out the window into the pasture watching the 4 oldest play while Daddy gets some work done outside.  Even with the rocky morning these are the days I love.  These glimpses of  "normal" keep me hanging on for the end of all this.

 Normal means that we can have an off morning, but its just that.  Its not trauma and drama, and visitation and loss and tragedy.  We are just a family doing the best we can.  We do some of it right and some of it wrong, but it is us, a Mom, a Dad, siblings, and family, love and acceptance.  What more can I ask for?

Tyke's Bad Dream

Tyke had a bad dream last night.  I came to comfort him and he looked sadly at me with sleepy eyes.  "S_______ (bio-mom) came an taked me away.  She was squishing me like dis."  He clenches his little hands repeatedly.  He looked up at me with sad eyes, "She tear me all up."

I offered the cheap comfort I could.  "You're safe baby.  I'm here.  Your safe."  He prayed AGAIN, "God don't let S_______ take me away.  I don't want anymore bisits."

I know God heard him.  I pray his prayers are answered. 

No one at DC$ cares about his nightmares, and his fears, and his trauma.  If they did this tragedy would not continue.  God cares, and I know that's true.  So I pray it isn't part of his plan to continue with visitation for these boys. 

Tyke needs to know that his place with us is forever.  I look forward to the day when that can  be part of his healing.

A Misunderstanding

Here in foster land things don't always go according to plan.  We had a visit scheduled for Tuesday.  I got a call around 9 pm Monday rescheduling that visit until Friday. We had a visit scheduled for Thursday.  I got a call moving that visit until today... during naptime hours. 

Is that a problem?  Well, they will be cranky because of a lack of sleep and I hadn't really planned for this today.  We have church tonight and they won't be rested for that.  Can I make it work?  Well, sure, I can make it work.  I hustle and bustle to get kids ready to go.  We wait, and wait, and wait some more.  I call one time to check with no answer.  I call again.  Visit supervisor plays dumb.  No, there is no visit today?  You were referring to a change of time for Thursday's visit?

Strange.  We discussed the impact on Wednesday night church services and the inconvenience of getting them ready to go right this moment.  Misunderstanding you say?  Okay, that makes everything fine.  I will proceed with my day now.  2 hours given to prepping for visit and waiting for visit and we move on to something else.

Through this experience Tyke was able to have his faith built a little.  He prayed  "God, I don't wanna go to da bisit today, You don't make me go to da bisit today?"  Pause...   "Mom, he say, 'Okay.'" 

Guess I'm going to have to pray about tomorrow's visit.  I would love to see it stopped again.

A "Daddy" Makes an Appearance

The advocate called yesterday.  One of the bio dad's showed up at a visit recently.  My only clue to this was Tyke mentioning last week that he saw the Daddy that is "Brown like me."  I had no idea he had actually seen this man recently.

The visit supervisor is not supposed to even get out of the car if there is an additional person present for visits that has not been approved.  She is supposed to keep driving.  Well, she did not follow these guidelines.  From what I understand this person was introduced as Daddy by Bio-Grandma.  He was made to leave the visit with Tot screaming, "Daddy, Daddy, I want my Daddy!"  I do not know if Tot fully comprehended what was happening or if he thought Ryan was there.  I am sure the whole thing no matter which way he thought about it made him very emotional.  His behaviors have been worse here this last week, but I had no idea what had occurred until yesterday.

This case does not need an extra complication right now.  I have to wonder if he is going to show up demanding a case plan.  I have to wonder if we are all going to have to go through some more visitation. 

I spent some time in serious prayer yesterday.  Enough is enough.  These boys do not need more trauma.

I got a call late last night and this morning's visit was rescheduled until Friday.  Sometimes I don't know if the visit supervisor is slack in her job or if bio-mom is late making a call and she is getting a pass from the visit supervisor.  I find it odd that bio-mom constantly missed appointments for months and then all of the sudden the only person responsible for every single miss is the visit supervisor.  Suspicious.

The good news is easy.  We have no visit, and no confusing trauma for today. I will take it one miracle at a time.

Now I Am A Brainwashing Expert

At the visit today Bio Mom got served.  She now knows there is a court date to take away visitation.  The advocate called to let me know it was happening today.  Apparently there were no fireworks.  I am grateful for that for the boys' sakes.

During our phone conversation the advocate told me he sent letters to my caseworker, her supervisor, and the head of the DC$ in that area.  He told them they have been ignoring the boys' well-being and now, as the advocate for the children, his hand has been forced.  He has to speak up for the babies because no one else will.  The advocate claims my caseworker is trying to save face.

How is she doing this?  She is saying we are brainwashing the kids.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Two therapists, a doctor, the advocate, and the visitation supervisor have all documented and contacted DC$ regarding the many signs of abuse and fear the boys have exhibited over the last year.  However, ALL of this is because I am brainwashing them. 

I don't know what to expect at the hearing to take away visitation and/or the Termination hearing.  Will she work to protect the boys or will she sabotage the boys in her own interests?  I am not afraid.  I am praying and I am not going to walk around in fear while I wait to see how things go, I am just waiting on God.

If you don't mind (I know I ask a lot) please keep us in your prayers.

This is NOT a Post About the Joys of 2012

I am sorry I am not posting something cheerful to kick off our new year. 

The boys had to go to a visit.  I had to drop them off.  They screamed and begged me to stop the car and to turn it around.  I, of course, took them anyway.

When we got there bio-mom and bio grandma got into my vehicle to get the kids out.  I was uncomfortable with that.  It felt like a tread on what was mine.  Somehow I should not have allowed them in the vehicle.  Bio Grandma snapped at Tyke to stop screaming.  She told him he wasn't allowed to act like that.

Tyke told me after the visit that Bio G grabbed him by the arm on the way in.  He claims somehow she hit him in the mouth while they were walking.  Tyke said, "Nana say if I don't stop screaming she's gonna punch me again."  He let me know he stopped screaming.  Of course I reported the incident.  The visit supervisor also told me that another person in the office reported witnessing Grandma being threatening in her actions with Tyke.  Great!  You know what they are going to do about this?  Nothing.


Later in the day Tyke was playing with a toy and he came and jabbed it into me hard.  I stopped him and asked why he would do that.  He said, "S____ did it first!"  He was sobbing.  I was confused and trying to figure out what he meant.  He told me Mommy S jabbed him with a toy at the visit today.  He added, "YOU didn't get me!  YOU didn't keep me safe!"

I felt like crying right then and there.  He thought I could keep him safe.  I can't protect him and he is seeing that now.  They are getting better at hiding what they are doing to the boys.  The boys are just little enough and confused enough that no one has to believe what they are saying.  No one has to do anything about it because it can't be proven.  
 
I reported what was said, but what do I expect them to do?  Nothing.

I'm sorry.  I wish I was writing about the joys of the end of 2012.  That's not what's on my mind tonight...

Happy Holidays?

The happy pill has been taken and since analyzing the situation yesterday, I have been doing a better job of remembering that growing kids up is a marathon, not a sprint.  I am taking it one joy or trial at a time.  At least today I am remembering these things. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The holiday traveling did go pretty well.  Tot had some issues but he seriously was not feeling well. I watched as all the family handed gifts to all of my children and at one point I teared up.  Seeing them loved on by those who did not sign up for this journey blesses me immensely.

Tyke did begin to have a lot of issues regarding food.  Everywhere we went there was a ton of food just laying out.  Since the boys' arrival I have taken to filling plates at the counter with maybe just slightly more than what they need, so I know they have plenty.  They just do not do well with too much food available.  Eating and snacking buffet style was a trigger for Tyke.  He kept asking for food.  We tried to comply as often as was safe, because it was a special occasion, but Tyke got worse and worse.   He would eat whatever item he was given as quickly as possible and say he needed more.  He only wanted to stay in the kitchens and every other part of the celebrations was unimportant to him.  His tummy gets rock hard when he is full.  I noticed that happening more than once as loving family members gave him what he wanted.  At one point he puked.   I finally had to get really strict about food.  No one was allowed to give him anything except Ryan or myself and begging for food once he was told no landed him in timeout. 

When we decided to adopt we never imagined these types of things.  You imagine bringing a child home and giving them everything they are so desperately missing in their lives.  You don't imagine having to restrict food.  You don't imagine them tackling one another to steal gifts.  Having to be the Christmas Ogre is no fun for anyone, but its a training thing. 

I have decided that we are going to practice opening presents appropriately.  I am going to get things from their room and wrap them up.  I am going to teach them to be excited and thankful.  My girlfriend did that this year with the 3 she has adopted.  She said it felt strange telling them to say thank you in a happy voice, but she had to remember that they hadn't ever had the chance to learn by seeing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bio-Mom got the boys gifts.  She bought everything 2 - 3 sizes too large and the Baby could not even wear his outfit at all.  They put Baby's clothes on Tot whom it was too big for as well.  She asked for their sizes through the visit supervisor and I sent them.  I am not sure what the majorly oversized thing was about.  I can see her maybe purchasing one size up if she likes the baggy look or if she just wants them to be able to wear the items for a long time, but 3 sizes too big?

We have only had one visit this week so far.  She wanted to schedule another today, but the weather is not permitting visitation.  We are aiming for Saturday instead.  I am going to try and push that the 2 visits a week become very, very, spread out.  I want the boys to have a chance to recover while all this insanity continues. 

Christmas One Year Later

I was looking at my post from December 22 of last year.  I recall how my heart yearned that Christmas for the missing family members.  I would sit in my rocking chair and stare out the window at the pond filled with heartsick yearnings.  I felt so frustrated with myself because I had a very hard time being present and in the moment that Christmas.  I so wanted my missing children to come home, wherever they were.  I was begging God with every other breath to bring my family home.  Little did I know there was a newborn, a one year old, and a 2 year old out there who were about to rock my world.

This year, 3 wonderful boys are here.  I love them so much.  With termination being filed there is a big part of me that is starting to see them as my forever babes.  Ryan and I talk about how to honor their names and still give them the protection they need.  We talk about the upcoming school years and careers and families that will come years and years from now.  We talk about the precious boys and the ways we are being knit together.  We are connected to one another in a very deep and maybe dangerous way.  Dangerous only in the amount of devastation that would take place for all of us if the ripping apart happened now.

They had a visit today. Even though I want visits to end I wanted her to have this visit.  I wanted her to have a final Christmas with them.  I took the boys to the car myself.  I wouldn't let the visit supervisor help.  I hushed their tears, and kissed their faces, and I made promises.  I should not have made promises I had no way of knowing if I could even keep.  I just needed them to be okay today and I knew we all needed to survive this visit.

They cried and begged to stay, but there was no violence.  It was me and them and they don't want to hurt me.  I was nervous.  Parenting the Connected Child, talks about building a trust bank account with your kids.  There are moments where we need them to trust us even though something is going to be uncomfortable.  We don't draw from that account too often or it would damage the healing, but today I drew from that place and that is why I was nervous.

The visit supervisor commented on how amazed she was that the leaving was so easy.  When she came back she told me the visit went okay.  She said that the boys did well responding to candy rewards for good behavior.  I told her about the trust account.  The visit supervisor needed to understand that I will not continue to coerce them even in a loving and gentle way, so I made this clear to her.  Also, I told her today was special because tomorrow is Christmas and I didn't want to see her get beat up on Christmas Eve.  Well.. It's true!

As I put the boys down at naptime they both talked about the visit.  When Tot even heard it discussed he said with a cry in his voice, "I'm not gonna go."  Tyke said, "Dat's scary Mommy.  I don't wanna visit."  We shared hugs and kisses all around.  I told Tyke visits are up to the judge.  I don't know if he thinks the judge is God or if he just did it from inspiration, but he bowed his head and prayed, "I don't wanna go anymore visits God.  Okay?  I don't wanna go anymore.  Amen."  He looked up at me, 'I telled God Mommy."

My Christmas wish this year from the depths of my soul is that God would honor Tyke's prayer and my own.  I pray that I will get to be their Forever Mama.

Visitation To Go To Court

This house is still full of sick kiddos.  I am still getting to clean up puke. I can finally say for sure that Tyke has come out of it.  Baby seems to be nearly out of it.  Tot, Cy are the worst off.  I can't figure out if Liv is only getting a light version of the illness or if she is just getting started.  I hope she just got lucky.

Yesterday the caseworker called me and announced that she was going to come to my house in 2 hours. The house was a wreck so I wasn't thrilled with the short notice.  I rushed around fighting my own sick feelings and got the house straightened up.  In true caseworker fashion, she was an hour late.

When she arrived she got a glimpse of the boys and then announced laughingly that she'd seen them and she could go now.   Then she said, "So there's a visitation court date soon?"  It was news to me and I told her so.  I did not know things had successfully made it to that step.  Caseworker said she wasn't sure of the exact date, but it seemed like it was in a couple weeks.

We talked about visitation for a little bit.  She still maintained that she wanted a good reason why visits suddenly weren't working.  I reminded her that the boys have been protesting visits for a very long time.  It wasn't until November 14th that the aggression and screaming started, but the boys have been asking not to leave for a long time.  She said, "I guess the reason doesn't really matter.  If they are done, they are done.  It doesn't matter anyway since we are terminating."  She treated actual termination as if it were a forgone conclusion.  We will see.  I have trust issues with her as you will see.

She claimed her supervisor was angry with her for not asking for termination at the hearing.  She says she stumbled at the hearing and wasn't sure what to say.  She claims her supervisor is angry this has to go to court when she could have just stopped visits at court the last time.  She told me it was the lawyer who wanted visits to continue and that the supervisor was upset because Caseworker needs to understand who she takes her orders from.

Ok, here's the crazy part.  I called the advocate after Caseworker left and he confirmed that there is a court date in a couple weeks.  He says he also talked to Caseworker and her story to him was the opposite of the one she gave me.  She said, the lawyer wanted her to take visits and her supervisor DID NOT want her to take away visits and she had to follow orders.

During our conversation the advocate and I decided the Caseworker is definitely lying to us both.  When you tell the truth your story doesn't change.  There is only one truth.  We believe that Caseworker is the one who wanted to keep visits going for some unknown reason, but she just did not want to explain herself to us.  All along she has claimed that Tyke does not know what he is talking about and he probably just made up most of the allegations regarding bio-mom.  In spite of her ambivalence toward the boys she did behave as if visits will get stopped at court.  Since I have no idea if she is telling the truth or manipulating some angle we will just have to see how it all goes.

It is possible the supervisor could just go ahead and stop the visits now. No one has indicated she will, but I am aware that she can.  I hope she does.  I just learned court is January 16, so we are looking at another 7 - 8 visitations for these boys.  I am asking God to cut those down somehow, but I am so very grateful that I almost feel like I shouldn't push the issue too much.  I only pray that if it has to wait that long for a court day then visits are definitely going to be stopped.  I so feel like their Mommy on this issue.  One terrified visit is too much, 7 - 8 is more than I want to think about.

My Gross Kids

Today's visit was cancelled due to Tot emptying his stomach at the kitchen table last night.   Ewww, gross, I know.  TMI.

 If you remember, Tyke got sick at the end of last week.  The same sickness then went to me, Cyrus, Baby, and now Tot.  We have been keeping the visitation up and just keeping the affected child home.  Friday Tyke stayed home.  For Monday's visit Baby stayed home.  Poor Baby is still so exhausted.  I asked to cancel today because with Baby puking and now Tot too it was just silly.  Tyke is still over-tired and eating very little, although he is much better than he was.

Even with the kids sick we are all pretty happy around here.  Daddy is home on vacation, so everyone likes the variation in the routine.  We are preparing for the upcoming holidays and having a good time goofing around. 

I am just waiting to see what God will do about visits.  I hope he is going to put a stop to them, but I really just don't know.  Maybe even visits, which look like a terrible, terrible, thing are all a part of  His will.  In all reality I cannot do any more to try and stop the trauma they are suffering.  I just decided that I am going to enjoy all the hours that I don't have to send the boys to visits.  There are a lot more of those anyway. 

A Quick Update

The advocate called.  He does plan to go to court for the boys.  Like me he wanted to get things done today or tomorrow.  He was slowed down by others in his agency.  They want letters from the therapists to accompany him.  Then he has to file and wait to be approved to get a court date.  Then he gets assigned a court date. 

It could be a couple of weeks or more before the advocate even gets in front of the judge.   I have to believe... God's got this.

Well, It's on Video Now

The advocate was here.  He got the entire reaction to visits on camera.  The boys made me proud.  They didn't spaz out right away when the visit supervisor showed up.  They started with their words.  It was only when that did not work that they ran away.

I have to give it to the visit supervisor.  She used her words and was even more calm and patient than usual. She knew she was on camera.  I chased Tyke and she  wrestled with Tot.  I handed off my boys,  I told them it would be okay, while they pleaded.  I told them I would see them later and I walked away.  The freak out session began.  They screamed and cried calling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

Today my husband is home on vacation so he got to have his heart broken too.  "Daddy!  Daddy!  Get me Daddy!  I want my Daddy!"

We were all shaken.  I tried to go to the car and comfort them.  The visit supervisor told me to stay back and she would handle it.  I had to go hide and cry.  Today at least my husband held me through my tears.  "It has to be like this so they can stop it,"  he comforted.  Oh how I hope he's right.

The advocate was heartbroken.  He says he's filing right away to go before the judge.  I hope he can somehow miraculously get in today.  I wait to hear what may come of today's events.

My prayer: "Please God, please, please, please."

I had to update this posting because I reread it and I had written the word freak way too many times!