Noise

I don't write this too complain, but rather to chronicle where I am at in life right now.  There is always so much noise.  I crave silence.   I  inundated with sound constantly.  My children are loud.  They are loud when they are happy, mad, sad, or curious.

I can, at times, set aside the ear jarring nature of it all and enjoy my house filled with life, but I am not exaggerating, some days my ears feel like they are buzzing.  I am hiding in the bathroom right now.  It is quiet in here.  Malachi's squeals of laughter reach through the door barrier.  Apparently Thomas is a very funny train.

My own voice is regularly worn out struggling to compete with the din. My voice crashes against my already sensitive ear drums when I call for them. Someday the silence may seem stifling, but at this point  with my children the noise sometimes is stifling.

Today my sister walked inside and saw me surrounded by little people who were constantly  touching and talking loudly to me.  She paused to stare for a moment.  "Just watching you I feel like I can't breathe."  I felt better when she said it because sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and of course I blame ME and my lack of... whatever. 

I think this is the stage of life we are at right now.  It's not horrible, there are many blessings in it, but I am considering sending a few to school next year.  I would like just a little quiet.   Maybe I won't send them, but it's fun to imagine.

Disapprove if you must, but sometimes a little television turns down the volume beautifully.   Well, at least it helps me get dinner on with a semblance of peace.  :)

Heavenly Peace

The holidays are upon us and life here is good.  I am amazed at how I am actually able to disconnect when the need arises and all of my family keeps on track.  I am getting time once again for little pet projects.  We are dreaming of a kitchen remodel.

This may not seem extraordinary to some, but 1 year ago I could not have imagined that life would begin to feel so... normal!  Before there was some laughter and some joy amid dark and scary times.  Now the laughter and joy have returned to a place of being an integral part of our family identity.

How long did it take to get here?  For me it took 2 and a half years to reach this place.  This family fought hard to get here and it was more than worth it. Can I just say, I love us?!

My babe's have their struggles.  I have one who may even be slightly autistic, but he is who he is, and he is at peace now more than ever before.  Proverbs 22:6 says,  "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."  I have finally come to a place where I believe this to be true for ALL children, trauma babies, and special needs kids, rowdy children, and shy ones.  I do my part to teach, train, and correct, and I trust God to do the healing.  I trust God's promise for their "ever - afters."  The trade off? The more I decide to let go and trust the more peace I get.

Maybe someone is reading this and you are scared because it all feels dark and hard and ugly right now.  The good parts seem fake and only the darkness seems real.  Can I just encourage you?  Hang on my sister!  Hang on my brother!  Just hang on and believe that God is who he says he is and he has good plans for you and ALL of your family.  Redemption is and was, ugly and bloody and painful, but there is so much beauty to come.  Don't lose hope. Don't try to cut and run.  I know how you feel.   I know you feel you are being swallowed up and forever extinguished, but when you emerge from this fire it will be better than it ever was.  You will be better than you ever were.  There is so much joy ahead of you.    I am praying for you!  

May you and your family have peace and joy this Holiday season!

Dust in the Sunlight

   One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary.  I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be.  I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.

   Oh how I longed to let go at times.  In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me."  I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good.  Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake.  I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains.   I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process.  I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.

   I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day.  Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye.  Did that really happen?

   The same can be said for the beautiful moments.  I could not hang on.  All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences.  Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love.  They are all behind me.  I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls.   Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins.  That is all memory.  Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.

   As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns.  I realize today's challenge is for today.  I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today.  I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like.  I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago.  I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up.  Today's joys also belong to today.  Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment.  I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.

   As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this.  It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window.  I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too. 

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

Amazing Grace

I prepared the feast and we all sat down.  It was just the seven of us and as I looked at all the precious faces around my table I was grateful.  There eyes were all full of peace and joy.  There has been so much struggle and growth.  There were times I thought there would NEVER be days like these. It can only be the amazing grace of my heavenly Father that has brought this day to pass.

We finished our dinner and sat down for Cy's newest idea for a game Deer, Deer, Turkey (Think duck, duck, goose).  We all played.  We all laughed.  How did this happen?  How does God put these broken people together and make us whole families?  We are imperfect and we are beautiful.  Thank you God for this masterpiece.

A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

I like it when things are cool.

I never had that big reconnecting moment I was obsessing about.  I just moved on to other things.  Did he get it?  Was he sorry?  Did he learn anything?  I don't know or "Ah N - yo!" As Zee would say.  We just moved on to planting my birthday orchard.   (that's what I am calling the 6 fruit trees I got for my birthday). He came up and hugged me spontaneously several times and things were cool.

That is the growth I was talking about.  Incidences of pure crazy have reduced dramatically.   Recovery times are faster.  I am able to do more than just manage someone else's feelings.   It's nice.

The cherry on top?  I got to snuggle with the 2 youngest this morning.   No trauma,  no drama,  it was just cool.  See our feet?!

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Vacation and Termination News

Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect.  We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out!  Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool.  Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.

There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi.  They both triggered around the water.  They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water.  Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.

 I am loving this.  Getting away and loving on my family.  That is the only thing I have to do on vacation.  As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I  had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks.  For me, this is perfect.  I love this family God has given me.\

In other news the termination trial is over.  Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling.  I am told we won't hear until around the first of July.  What is with all of this waiting!?  The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective.  She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no."  She says that's a really good sign.  Okay, well I can't think about that stuff.  It upsets me...

Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!

Just a Sinner

Liv woke  me up very early this morning.  She had dreams about bugs biting her and giving her bumps.  I pulled her in close.  She is snoozing peacefully in my spot on the bed.  I never got back to sleep.

I am wondering if termination will be voluntary.  I have been praying a lot.

Ryan may be making some very big job changes.  He has meetings today.  I am fighting fear on that front.  This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him. 

I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers. 

I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing.  I don't like to do it.  I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point?   I'll just mess up again.  God knows I'm sorry."  I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up.  Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin.  I just get so scared when I repent.  I think it can't be that easy.  I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.

Repenting.  Its such a little thing.  Why is it so hard?  I'm just telling God I am sorry.  I am asking him to forgive me.  I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes.  I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of.  I was a thorough little girl.  Smile.  I'm out of practice. 

I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt.  I did cry, but then, I am a crier.   I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God.    I am going to make repenting a practice again.  I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God. 

I'm Listening

Sometimes life is hard.  Okay, lots of times life is hard, and I hate it when it starts to feel like we are in similar situations over and over again.  I have been feeling like that with one of my precious little ones.  I remembered a lesson I heard once.  If you don't figure out why God keeps bringing you to a similar place you are bound to end up back in that place over and over and over again.

Then I heard a speaker through Ted X (You'll have to put that in YouTube if you are curious because I came across it randomly) and she was talking about the same idea.  When God brings hard things into our lives our job is to ask him for his lesson in that hard thing.  If we can just get the lesson oftentimes we can MOVE ON from a hard place.  Moving on can take a lot of forms, maybe I will move on literally, mentally, or emotionally, but I won't stay feeling trapped in a painful place.

Long story short, or I will never publish.  I asked God what the lesson was in my struggles with Tot.  I felt/heard him say, "Listen."  Several times since then he has confirmed that message.

I struggle with hearing "innappropriate displays" of discomfort.  Too often I want to shut it down and end my discomfort.  I have taken that lesson to heart.  I have had to force myself at times to say, "I'm listening," when I want to say, "Stop screaming."  I am seeing a huge difference in him.  Even some of the antics that aren't about just screaming in fear or anger.  If I say, "I heard you say you saw a tractor."  Then Tot stops screaming about the tractor he just saw.  If I say, "I hear you saying you are thirsty," then he stops moaning and twisting and banging himself into me.  Even when I can't get to it right away it is helping him so much when I hold his little hand and look in his face and just say, "I'm listening." 

Thank God that He gets me even better than I do. 

Before They Wake Up.

I should be getting ready for church.  I will... in a minute.  It's so quiet and peaceful right now.  No one is demanding anything.  There are no sibling squabbles erupting.

Do you hear that?              


 Neither do I.                              


 Bliss.


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Okay, I seriously have to haul buns now.  Its just me and the 4 youngest for church today and my husband is definitely my right hand man.  I gotta move it, move it!  I gotta move IT!  


Mandy, you do realize some of your crazy just leaked out on your blog right?  You gonna clean that up? 

No.  No, I'm not.

Flipping my Calendar

I flipped the calendar page today for February.  I saw where I had written Terminaion Trial.  I am excited and scared of that date.  I pray that trial is the end of wondering if they could somehow be sent back.

Without visits things are relatively calm.  I can tell the boys are in a better place.  We are all in a better place.  Life is a lot easier now.  Taking away that constant trauma has given us a sense of normalcy.

I am still dealing with stuff, but its a lot better than it was.  I don't know why, but both of the boys, at different times, relived their past today.  They were playfully acting out abuse.  They haven't mentioned this stuff  for awhile. I want to help them forget, but I don't want to coerce them into not talking about things they need to talk about.  It's a fine line.

Ryan and I did remove dolls today.  When they try to reenact stuff it seems to pull them back emotionally as well.  We encouraged another type of play and a new toy.

I don't like not knowing for certain what is right.  We are following our guts here.  Our guts tell us not to let the boys wallow in muck and so we do our best to acknowledge, affirm, and move on.  As the therapist recommends, we say, "I know that sad thing happened, but its all done now."

Maybe I will flip that calendar to March knowing the boys are forever free.  When I see them relive the past my own doubts and fears will be gone and I can speak with conviction, when I say, "That is all done now."

Reruns

Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week.  He is usually "over it" by now.  He is going back to some old behaviors.  He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage.  He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast.  If you want him to go fast he will go slow.  If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor).  He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat.  Its all about control.  He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors.  He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them.  I haven't seen that in a very very long time.  I am sad.

I don't know what to do about it.  It's the visit.  He is tangled up inside.  It's the fact that he knows she wants him back.  He is a mess!  I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds.  Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home.  I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.

I pray bio-momma gives up her rights.  I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that.  The places I see him regressing to...  He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns? 

I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom.  I really feel like I am getting it.  The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted.  I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her?  Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted.  I could see clearly maybe for the first time.

I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys.  To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests.  Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.

Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.

I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths."  Proverbs 3:5  It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit.  When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet.  If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way.  He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.

Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk.  Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down.  The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will.  I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again.  Why can't we just get to the next part already?!  Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe.  He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things.  When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender.  One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.

See?  I told you God was working on me!

Jonah

You know the story of Jonah most likely.  A prophet of the Lord, he is told by God to go and tell and the evil city of Ninevah to change its ways or it will be destroyed.  Jonah doesn't want the job.  He runs away and gets swallowed up by a great fish after being thrown overboard (I am leaving out details obviously).  Jonah prays and 3 days later the fish chucks him out and God tells Jonah, "Go deliver my message" and Jonah does.  Then Jonah waits in anger for the Lord to deliver the punishment the people of Ninevah have coming.  He waits and gets angry with God.  God doesn't destroy the city, but shows mercy because the people repent due to Jonah's message.  Jonah is angry and God lets him know that he prefers mercy and Jonah should want the same.

Well, last night I realized something.  I am Jonah.  For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah.  The people of Ninevah did evil things.  Bio-mom has done evil things.  They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much.  Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution.  God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption.  Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile.  I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.

I am still struggling here.  I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message.  Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion.  Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that.  He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.

Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die.  I say that in my own way.  I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused.  I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.

As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???"  Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing.  This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy. 

In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile.  God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude.  It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way.  No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is

I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom.  This doesn't serve myself or my Father.  I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism.   My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys.  My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer.  I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation.  I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever).  Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting.  I am not gonna lie here.)  Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.

Do Not Worry

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

It is so easy to get caught up in the worry of wondering what will happen when you are involved with foster care.  Today, God reminded me that I need to put worry away from me.  I can't change anything that is happening or not happening in the case by stressing and worrying about it.  My worry affects only me.  I recalled that if the boys were anywhere else I would be relieved for the break and chance to get things done.  So during today's visit I set aside my worry and got to doing all that needs doing in my home.  I can only do what I can do, the rest is up to the Lord and his timing.

A Visit and a Revelation

Yes, there was a visit today. I did not want that to happen, but the boys are doing fine, so I am fine.  Tot decided he would test my authority very quickly upon his return.  I tried to reason with him.  He was not feeling reasonable, so I scooped him up and put him in his room until lunch was ready.   He screamed in there for a good long while.  Until he heard me mention (rather loudly) to his brother that I hoped Tot could stop screaming soon, so I could bring him down for lunch.  The room got quiet rather quickly.

Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming.  This is Baby's new thing when I cook.  He follows me around crying trying to get picked up.  He is growing into his brothers' screams.  They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling.  I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"

 I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace.  I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be.  I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up.  A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain.  I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them.  I am afraid of what their life will be like.  I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief.  God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.

 I expect my children to trust my wisdom.  When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude.  As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance.  I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her.  I know she needs sleep.  I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested.  Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude.  Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies.  I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.

I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way!  My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I.  I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes.  Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will.  I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done.  I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use. 

I pray Lord, use me how you would use me.  If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will.  You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows.  If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that.  Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life.  Amen.

Because You Said, "It Shouldn't Be Done"

Whether we foster or adopt some of you tell us we shouldn't do it.  You tell us we are asking for trouble.  You tell us we won't be able to handle it and that we are harming our existing relationships by moving forward with this ill-conceived notion of ours.  Obviously we think we can handle things if we are moving forward, but you are right in one way.   In reality this lifestyle is full of unexpected curve balls for the uninitiated.

You have frowned as some of us have taken on sibling groups.  We see the reality, sibling groups need placements and homes too.  One thing that greatly saddens me is that it seems that some of you who seem so ready to applaud if a family adopts 1 are the same people that will condemn the same choice if it is a sibling group that is being considered.

I want you to know that when you condemn a family who is considering adopting one or multiple children you aren't just condemning that family's choices, you are actively advocating against a home for an orphaned child.  Have you thought of that?  You are playing ball for the other side!  You think that there are "others" who will mysteriously appear to meet the needs of these children, but if all adoptive families took the advice you are handing out who would care for the children?  Children desperately need homes and they need families that are just crazy enough to think they can do it.

If you are planning on trying to talk a friend or family member out of an adoption are you willing to take their place and provide the home?  Are you willing to be the home to a sibling group?  If you are not, then you need to keep your opinions to yourself.

As soon as you tell me, or anyone else that you don't think this is a good choice for our families you firmly place yourself outside of the circle of trust.  I know I can never call you and tell you about the really awful days.  I know you will smugly feel right about your assessments of my family's ability or lack thereof.  I don't believe you really care, and I will drown before I call you for help.

There were many days in the first few months of this placement where I knew I couldn't do this work.  I knew I had made a terrible mistake.  I felt overwhelmed, grief stricken, futile, angry, and disillusioned.  You were right when you told me 3 traumatized children was just too much, but I made it because of those who did support me and some days on prayer power alone.  Through one of the biggest storms of my life I did not call YOU.

Those who say a thing cannot be done are not soon forgotten by those who do it anyway.

My boys are still here and we are still a family and we are building a beautiful thing together. I do not know what the future holds, but I know God brought us all together.   Maybe it would all be even better today if you could have been there for me in the beginning.  As it was, I avoided having a real conversation with you.  I still, I do not trust you.   I believe you are waiting for me to fail.

Maybe you are reading this and you have told a friend or family member that they should not adopt at all, or you have proclaimed they should not adopt beyond a certain number.  I urge you to go now and apologize.  God can use you to support this family who can't do this big thing. 

You can do your own part helping that new foster mother or adoptive mother adjust to her new life by bringing her dinner,  picking up her kids from school, making a grocery run for her, or by simply bathing her new family in prayer. Aiding widows and orphans in their distress is more than just adoption.  You can serve the Lord by being a blessing to those who go to the front lines even when God has not called you to that exact place yourself.`

Exceedingly, Abundantly, More

When the boys first arrived I was just a means to an end and they were terrible to one another.  They either fought each other or ignored each other.  I remember pulling Tot off of Tyke's head as he attempted to rake his nails across Tyke's cheeks.  I remember them shoving food in their mouths as quickly as possible and reaching out and stealing their brothers' food as quickly as possible. 

At the time my biggest prayer was that somehow God would help me to keep them all safe.  In the first 2 months of the arrival NO ONE was safe.  God is so cool!  Ephesians 3:20 is at work in my life right now "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," 

I watched the boys share a single bottle of water outside this past weekend.  They smiled and chatted with one another.  They had no idea I was watching them.  The bottle of water was passed sweetly back and forth, and the conversation they were sharing seemed much more important to them than the bottle of water they were passing. 

The play therapist arrived today to similar sweetness.  Yes, they argued a bit, but they played together and complimented each other and came over for snuggles with me.  I wish I could take the credit, but I can't it's all God doing exceedingly, abundantly, MORE.

This morning they sat side by side and enjoyed some freezer pops together. There was no need or desire for mortal combat, they were just two buddies enjoying some Popsicles.   This is how they do life now.  This is not the exception, this is the rule.  God is so cool!