Malachi

I know that I used to post a lot about my struggles with Chi.  He is in such a better place now.  He still struggles.  He still needs zero wiggle room when it comes to boundaries and rules, but he is doing so well.

I could rehash 30 issues we have dealt with this week, but that is not the story of his life now.  His story now revolves around his emerging ability to safely connect with the world around him.

Chi can say, "I love you," and now he means it.  He is not mimicking he is communicating.  Chi can meet my eyes now and we can share a moment.  The connected moment can still send him for a loop, but his loops are smaller now.  Chi can smile softly now and not every smile is a tight, near grimace spread across his face.

Chi can play appropriately for a period of time without constant correction and redirection.  Chi can participate in some group activities now. 

I cannot compare him to other kids his age, but my sweet Chi is making progress and we are headed in the right direction.

His Subconscious Remembers

Sometimes my Obie has confusing  dreams.  As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams.  His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams.  These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.

I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly.  When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place.  Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself.  His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.

As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence.   How did I know even what he wasn't saying?!  He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer. 

Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom.  This was my precious son's idea.  We talked for awhile.  He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.

There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing.  I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams.  I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.

Bringing Your Drama

   One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama.  At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama.  I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?"  It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family.  Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed. 

Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy.  I just wanted people to like us!  Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.

Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi.  We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day.  Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations

   One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church.  We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area.  Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit.  It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.

As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home.  The children's program has also worked very well for our family.  Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together.  How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.

Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi.  I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.

At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues.  That was a mistake. 

I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor.  Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him.  The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down.  Never did they call his family.  That was upsetting.   One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."

It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical.   As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment.  As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated.  Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.

I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story.  I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.

We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him.  Add to his history  his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.

Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue.  Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others.  He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.

By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray.  The way it all happened was unfortunate,  but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church. 

Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program.  Children are separated by age.  The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli.  I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big.  "Look at those big lights Chi!"  I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!"  I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are  lot of NICE people Chi!"  Chi calmed as we walked through this little process.  Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids. 

I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues.  She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time.  It was a great experience for all of us.  I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.

Our Schedule

We have a unique schedule working with both families to get everyone's needs met.

A daily schedule often looks like this...

• Get everyone dressed
• Milk the goat
• Big Kids feed the dogs, the cats, the goats, the chickens, and the chicks.
• Have the Littles do their chores.
• Get breakfast.
• Clean up breakfast
• 20 minutes of silent reading for pre-k to 8th grade (The Littles love to look at books!)
• 10 minutes of journal writing
• push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching exercises for everyone (A little exercise makes everyone's brains work better.)
• History, Science, or Oral Reports (This varies based on the day.  We are using Magic School Bus episodes and America the Story of Us DVD's.  The 4 oldest answer worksheets based on their viewing, so they are forced to pay attention and I tailor-make worksheets for my 2nd and 3rd grader. The Littles just enjoy watching some television  and Obie takes in the most basic things like, we had a war with Britain once, germs make us sick, etc. 
• Math
• Spelling 
• Language Arts (This includes parts of speech, writing skills, and Vocabulary work)
• Reading Comprehension

From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able.  She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest.  She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch. 

After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time.  Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here.  Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.

Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week.  Whew!  I am tired just writing it all!

Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives.  She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids.  When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence.  Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.

Beware the Know-It-Alls

I see posts all the time from so-called experts in adoption psychology and the holier-than-thou attitude they convey really sets my teeth on edge.  I have talked to too many Mommas who are at their wits end looking for answers to help their grieving and angry children.  They have discovered countless short-term solutions from these "experts."   If there is a stone they have overturned it looking for a way that truly makes a difference in the long-term. 

These Mommas are not uneducated about the grief and trauma their children have endured, they are super educated,  Maybe even over-educated because there are all of these books and blogs detailing how to deal with your adopted child and instead of helping to create a mother who knows SHE knows her child best, they create anxious and nervous Moms who question every single thing they do with their children.

The books and blogs tell us we don't know what we are doing, but wait!  Haven't there always been children experiencing trauma and haven't their always been people stepping into that trauma to try and help?  Should a child be allowed to stay hungry, without family, and without home just to prevent a parent misunderstanding a moment of grief as something else?

Why at this point in history have we decided that these children, who thus far have proven to be survivors, are now so fragile and breakable that we cannot even parent them for fear of doing it wrong? 

JUST STOP IT!

You are driving people away from these children instead of toward them.  You practically feel like you need a degree in psychology to parent an adopted child these days.

Guess what nervous Momma? YOU are or will be, a gift to your children.  It doesn't matter if you get mad sometimes when you should be understanding.   You love your child or maybe at this point you very much WANT to love your child or you wouldn't be adopting.  You are well on your way.

There is going to be hard stuff and there is going to be good stuff.  Keep praying and listen to that still small voice inside you.  Please stay away from the know-it-alls!  They drown out that voice. 
Proverbs 14:12 says,
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

You want to adopt?   You want to parent for that matter?  Just get your knees ready.  You won't have all the answers and there is no great society of know-it-alls with all the answers either.  You will need divine wisdom and a lot of grace for them AND for yourself.

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

You WILL walk

I like those stories about people who defy the odds.   I like when the underdog wins.  I like it when someone says I can't because that means I will go out of my way to prove I can.

When we began this journey toward parenthood we defied the odds.  My barren womb carried 2 children, my once empty arms have now been mother to 5.

We were told we should reconsider adopting.  We were told we should reconsider adopting outside our race.  We were told we should reconsider adopting more than 1.  We continued forward in spite of those who said we could not or should not.

Early on the caseworkers, the therapists, family, and even friends have told me not to expect too much from "trauma babies."  We were told, in essence, to set the bar low. We were given lots of information to parent "damaged" kids.

I personally have read about brain damage, parenting techniques, and my children's individual diagnosis. I have spoken ad nauseum with experts.  I have used their ideas from time to time.   I like to be informed.   Smile.

Here is the real scoop on me.  I identify with the Mama who is told her child will never walk and then goes about proving the doctors wrong.   I know the disgust she carries inside at these people whose only goal seems to be helping her best accomodate the diagnosis.   The intense and burning desire to prove them ALL wrong because her baby deserves someone to at least believe they have a shot.  They deserve someone
Who will look them square in the face without pity and say, "You WILL walk."

This is the Mama that I am to all 5 of my children.  They are all amazing, they are all capable, they are all overcomers.  The spirit is available to each and every one of them, enabling them to walk in victory, not defeat.  It is that spirit which will cause them to be more than conquerors.

My job is not damage control.  My job is to coax, pull, push, prod, and demand until my children believe they can do more than crawl because their MAMA says they can!  My children are proud of themselves and they should be,  because I get on them like white on rice when they mess up and I help them be proud of themselves with every hurdle they triumph over.  It is exhausting, emotionally messy, amazing work that I am seeing fruit from it all over the place.  I know my children are capable, intelligent, and mighty, but my job is not done until they know it too.

All this time I have felt pulled to do things someone else's way.  No more.  This is MY way and I embrace it.   I am constantly told by people that my children should not be doing as well as they are.   I smile, but inside I know who my babies are and these people, these doubters,  these naysayers... they ain't seen nothing yet.

Preparing to Move

We  had will be moving over the next two weeks. The kids are really doing well with it. I am so glad because that was a concern.

I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.

Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful.  I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.

Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist  yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
 We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute.  It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally.  I am making the most out of the good days.

 Obie started to express concern over moving.   We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared.  He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up.  He is still afraid of stuff like that,  but he talks big.  I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go.  I didn't really comfort him much I think.

Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move.  Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth.  "Obie we are moving for you.  We want you to be safe. "

"NO!" I was thinking.   I was sure this was the wrong tactic.  "Don't put this on him!" I thought.

My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe.  I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"

"Okay Dad."

That was it.   Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then.  He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him.  When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie.  I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.

House Shopping

We ended up house shopping again this weekend.  We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond.  We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again.  At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals.  The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.   

When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them,  they were cooped up all day.

 Yes, we brought the babies along.  The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back.  She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back.   And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people.  It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week. 

 Anyway, back to my house hunting.  We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes.  Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going.  My anxiety was off the charts in that house.

Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well.  Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining.   We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.

The last house was empty.  I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they.  They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate.   That house can handle my boys.  They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths.  They had some energy to burn.

We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow,  but they have till mid-week to respond.  This house felt like home.  I am praying it will be. 

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

Insecurity

WARNING, THIS POST ISN'T PRETTY

Some days I am still so overwhelmed by what we took on 2 years ago.  I cannot believe how much I love them, but I also cannot believe how much I still feel helpless and inadequate to meet their needs...  It hits me at least once everyday.  Everyday.

I look at other families doing this and I think, "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?  Shouldn't I be to the joy-filled part of this journey now?"  Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that it never will be, but before all this I did not struggle with this unending sense of not measuring up, of not being enough.

Things ARE easier now, but there are certain days where Chi and/or Obie want the fight.  They just can't BE they must push back, sometimes even if there is no reason to push.

When we face those days I forget about backyard family football, worship around the kitchen table, laughter as the kids say the darndest things, and family dance parties.  The biggest thing I can think is all that doesn't mean anything if I screw them up by not knowing what to do in their worst moments.

I am scared that their story of their life will not be a story of redemption and salvation it will be the story of how I failed them.  These thoughts haunt me.  They bring fear to interactions where I should be confident,  they make me tired before I even start my day.

I know I am being put through the fire to be refined, but I am starting to lose hope that I can ever feel like a capable Mom again.  It doesn't really matter how I feel.  I will get up and feed my kids, and hug my kids, and take care of them.  I just wish I did not dread my potential for failure for the day.

I can only say, "Thank you God." Because we do have healing happening, we do have joy, and we do have love.  I  know this is through God alone and not through my works.  Thank God for his faithfulness to these babes.

Home Improvements?

I have new flooring, new stairs and hand rails, refurbished cabinets.  It's been a 2 week long big push to get done.  It looks beautiful, but...

I have kids out of whack.  There is peeing beds again, hitting, screaming for attention, and an unnatural concern about food.  Like, when are we eating? We may have just eaten, but I'm pretty sure I'm hungry.  What are we eating?  What is that speck, food maybe?  Better try it to be sure... 

My kids are still not in a place where they can deal with me having other prioroties.  By Sunday we were all losing it.  We finished up our new handrail yesterday.  I have been much more focused on the usual things today and although the chaos is there it is lessening.  

Such a nice handrail...

I like it when things are cool.

I never had that big reconnecting moment I was obsessing about.  I just moved on to other things.  Did he get it?  Was he sorry?  Did he learn anything?  I don't know or "Ah N - yo!" As Zee would say.  We just moved on to planting my birthday orchard.   (that's what I am calling the 6 fruit trees I got for my birthday). He came up and hugged me spontaneously several times and things were cool.

That is the growth I was talking about.  Incidences of pure crazy have reduced dramatically.   Recovery times are faster.  I am able to do more than just manage someone else's feelings.   It's nice.

The cherry on top?  I got to snuggle with the 2 youngest this morning.   No trauma,  no drama,  it was just cool.  See our feet?!

Its just so stinking hard sometimes

God is so kind to give me peaceful days.  I actually start to think that maybe I did something right and we are moving into happily ever after.  

Then a certain toddler takes a stick to his sister.  He gets sent to his room where meltdowns begin.  I am tired (not feeling therapeutic) and I am just trying to shut it down.  He could have put her eye out and I don't want to have to hold him right now so he feels good about himself.  I am tired.

I shutdown the nonsense in a not so sweet way.   What does that mean now?  It means this toddler is now going to do whatever he can to thwart my authority and I will be in a tug of war until I go to him and intentionally connect. 

Except...  I don't feel like connecting with a loaded gun.  If I don't do it right we all pay the consequences.  Sometimes this is hard because it all feels based on how I perform.  Was my voice soft enough?  Was eye contact threatening?   Maybe I am giving him the wrong foods.  Did I do it all right?  Am I creating that loving connection?  

There is so much improvement,  I kind of forget when things go downhill.  God is working in all of us.  I just want to love this boy of mine and days like this it's really hard because I know its up to me, to help him find his footing.  He's being disobedient right this moment...  it's just hard sometimes.

Birthday

Today we celebrated Zee's 2nd birthday.  He is fantastic, amazing, wonderful, onery, and just about the culmination of everything I ever hoped to experience in adopting a child.  He is amazing.  He brings our entire family more joy than I can even express, but this post isn't about Zee.  This post is about Chi.

See Chi is everything I had hoped to avoid in adopting.  I apologize if this offends anyone, but I have to be real.  His special needs make me feel like a lunatic.   There seems to be no place I can zero in and be the hero for him.  He wants love but he rejects love.  He wants peace but spreads rage and chaos.  He is angry, neurologically impaired, and incredibly unsettling.
Yesterday, I watched his raging silence a store full of people.  He has a stealth mode.  He smiles and chats he can be Mr. Personality then something happens... This time it was something so mundane as not allowing him to carry a cleaner through the store.  First his back arches, his legs join the act, he moans, he throws himself in a jerky fashion to the ground and the screaming starts the screaming doesn't stop in 5 minutes it can go on and on and on.  An older lady walked up and asked him what was wrong and he stopped and stared blankly at her while she talked.  Then I announced we needed to check out, he puffed his arms out turned and gave me an angry glare and growled, "I Am NOT talkin to YOU."  Even Obee was shocked at his boldness.  I remained calm and told the boys it was time to go.  Cue the flailing, jerking, dancing like he has to pee, and screaming.  The older lady tried to calm him.  He turned his glare and screeching on her and the 15 or so adults around us went silent. Outside, I am the picture of calm, but inside?  Well, inside it's not pretty.   He did not stop screaming until we were home and then it was just long enough to tell me he was not going to his room.   Oh yes he was!

Here is the thing, I love Chi.  I mean I love him deeply.  I don't have any tricks left in my bag for Chi.  I have tried it all.  I have worked to change myself and my family for this little man, I have done so much to try and help him heal, but it doesn't work.  Nothing works for long.  Lots of things work for a little bit. My only remaing strategy that I cannot and will not abandon is prayer.  When he starts I try to remember to do nothing but pray.  Too often any other method seems only to place temporary bandages over a raging wound.  I don't remember to pray nearly enough.

Then there was tonight.  At the close of Zee's party I gave Chi a big bubble wand so he could run with the other kids as Chi had been so desperate to participate in the game.  In less than 2 minutes he had used it as weapon to inflict pain.  Ryan looked at me with incredulous  eyes.  Why would I even give Chi the opportunity to participate? We KNOW this boy.  Just as quickly he let it go.  We have to give Chi room to succeed too.  I looked Ryan in the eyes and we shared a soul moment.  "He is so hard," I whispered.  Ryan's eyes reflected my pain.  At the end of Zee's special night it was Chi we bundled into our bed for special time.  We talked with him about Dora and Spiderman, Mexican hats, and the Octopus he tells us lives in the pond.  We held hands and prayed over our boy and we prayed for ourselves.  We cannot abandon him to his anger and pain. He is 3.  He needs to know he isn't going to be abandoned again.

For better or worse he is our baby boy and we will stay in the trenches with him, because when he makes his silly faces and sings his silly songs and tells Cy, "Remember Mom loves you even though you got in trouble." It is enough.  I see him in there behind all the junk.  I see this amazing person under all that pain. I see the beautiful soul God put inside of Chi and I am so grateful that God gave me easy, breezy, Zee.  If I had been given only Chi maybe I wouldn't have held on long enough to see the beauty inside my beautiful Chi.  He is a strand of gold embedded in the rock, beautiful, and valuable,  and just waiting to be set free. 

Therapy Animals

Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before.  He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all.  He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis.  I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.

I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately.  Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around.  The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it.  He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy.  He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture.  If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.

Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action.  We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks.  There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off.  When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.

Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships.  But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad.  He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him.  He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.

I am loving on Chi lately.  He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Therapy or Not

Cy says prayers with me every night.  Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers.  Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."

I hope he's right.  He's been praying it every single night for months now.  Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February. 

Will this thing ever get done?


And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.

I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy.  There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me.  It seems counterproductive.  It's not like we don't talk about big feelings. 

Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me.  We talked for a long time, but then he was fine.  I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too.  On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad.  He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day. 

One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them.  I am learning to respect their version of their story.  I don't want to give them my views or their siblings.  There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.

I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot.  It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff.  Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit.  It might even be helping.  I can't decide what to do.

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.