Expert... Hah!

I was out yesterday and I noticed another woman with a young school age daughter.   I am desperate to talk to real life grown-ups I suppose,  because I said,  "Are you a homeschool Mom?"

"First year,"  She said, sounding uncertain and surprised at the same time. 

"It gets easier,"  I replied.  We had a short conversation and I talked about beginning my homeschool experience 6 years ago (Wow! Has it been six years?!)

   "Sounds like I should to be talking to you," she said.

  "You've got this," I encouraged the nice stranger.

I realized that somewhere along the way I have gone from a newbie, nervous about everything, to a seasoned homeschool Mama.

I have also gone from being a nervous constantly self-doubting foster and adoptive Mama, to more of a seasoned, do the best you can today type of Mom.

I used to think Mom's like me were experts, but me an expert?!  Hah!  Maybe the only big difference is getting to the place where I believe there truly are no experts, so "they" don't know better than I do and I may not know better than them, but maybe we can learn from each other.   Maybe.

One of the best parenting advice books out there has helped me tremendously and it can help you too!  Are you ready for it?!  "Oh The Places You'll Go," by the always helpful Dr. Seuss.  "Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed!  98 and 3/4% guaranteed!  Kid, you'll move mountains."

As a final note to those questioning my grammer and editing skills  I know titles are supposed to be underlined, but I am using my phone to blog and I can't figure it out! And... if I leave this quiet place people will... well, they will want stuff!  Whew,  self justification complete.  I feel better.

Adoption progress

The termination case continues to move slowly through the appellate court process, but things are happening. We were fingerprinted for the adoption and background checked AGAIN.  We filed our petition to adopt, gave the boys new names for official paperwork and signed lots of papers.  We also got to review the case files.

It was astonishing how much paperwork there is in what they refer to as a small case.  The case file was over 2 feet high.  In some ways it was like reliving the horrible stuff, and in some ways it was an incredible gift.

My favorite part was getting to see their newborn information and the hospitals' copies of the boys tiny foot prints.  We were given a notepad to take notes, but we used our phones and snapped pictures of things like that.  We requested copies of the medical info, but we don't know if we will get that for certain.

We pulled out the filing for termination and snapped pictures of the whole thing.  I don't know how curious our babes will be someday, but when the time is right then I believe they have a right to know their story.  All of it. 

So now I just wait for the Appellate process to complete and dream of the day when they are finally ours and the insecurity of all of this is behind us.

Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.

Weary

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.




This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say.  If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up.  I am not a wimp.  I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.  

In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back.  We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no.""  We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks.  Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.  

When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy.  We weren't looking for easy.  Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story.  We know its going to be hard and take a long time.  We know we aren't wimps.  We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough.  We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons.  We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting.  Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation  is beyond tiring.

This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit.  Except... There is NO QUITTING.  These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them.  These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.

Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is?  There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going.  I can't see redemption.  I can't see the harvest to come.  Its too hard right now.  I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going.  I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9.  I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit.  I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming. 

 Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.

Peeing

Chi and I went to Sensory therapy today.  He did okay.  He had to pee one time more than usual, but that's it.  Fyi one of Chi's big things is having to pee when he's upset, bored, excited, mad.

He only moaned, cried, and twisted a few times on the ride home.  I picked up the kids, dropped off the sitters,  and headed to Walmart.   I decided to skip a ton of fights and keep him in his own cart and have Cy push Zee in another.  He, Chi demanded to pee 4 times while we were in there.   Demanding it involves screaming, sobbing, slobbering, and grabbing himself.  So I took him because if I don't he will pee himself.  The last time it was the faintest trickle, but it got him out of the cart!  He said he had to go again and started in, but then Cy said something about flushing him.  The show stopped instantly and he asked Cy not to flush him.  "I will just hold it okay Cy?"  This was said in a perfectly calm and normal voice as if he wasn't just losing it.  Part of me knows its manipulation,  but if I'm going to be cleaning pee then it works.

Later at  naptime I sent him to go potty and get in bed.  15 minutes later he's running around yelling he has to go potty.  So I let him.  5 minutes later he's screaming from bed that he has to go.  Wearing a diaper doesn't stop any of it.

So that's today so far.  Not feeling too snuggly right now.

Caseworker visit

Today an adoption caseworker came to visit.  Its our 2nd month on the new side of all of this.  We are no longer working with an ongoing caseworker.  I should be relieved and actually I am, but its still hard.  I am so excited for the day when they are just mine and I decide when and who we visit. 
I don't know why, but as we were cleaning the bedrooms today Obie started talking about biomom and became all fearful about having to go see her.  Even hearing that a caseworker is coming over is enough to bring out his insecurities.   I reassured him as best I could, but he started getting very repetitive, which is something he does when he is anxious.  Finally, I got my no-nonsense voice out and told him he wasn't going anywhere unless I said so and I would not be allowing any visits because they made my boys too sad.  That was enough for him and he moved on to discussions about new things.  Obie knows adoption means something big.  He knows he's not adopted, but that he is going to be.  He will ask me randomly if he is adopted. 
"No,  not yet."
"But I am going to be right Mom?  Right?  Then I can sleep in the basement like Cy if l want?  Right?"
Somewhere along the line he even picked up that he is not allowed a room in the basement.
Even though this time post termination is 1000x better than than pre termination I know there will be sweet relief for one little boy when this is all finally settled.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Therapy Animals

Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before.  He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all.  He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis.  I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.

I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately.  Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around.  The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it.  He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy.  He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture.  If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.

Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action.  We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks.  There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off.  When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.

Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships.  But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad.  He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him.  He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.

I am loving on Chi lately.  He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.

Warning! Foster Care Can Lead to Goats

These past 2 weeks have seen the addition of quite a few mammals to our little farm.  We grew by 2 puppies, another 30 chickens, 4 goats, 6 ducks, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Okay, not really the partridge, but you get my point.  I never intended to have 30 more chickens (We had 25 already) and 6 ducks.  That just sort of happened, but the puppies and goats were part of the plan.

This partly explains my absence from blogging (well, that and horrible internet problems).  I have been BUSY.  I also have green beans coming in already, so I am gearing up for picking and canning. I guess we are kind of becoming a homesteading family. At least when I search the internet for answers to my questions I oftentimes end up reading advice from homesteading types.  Over the past couple of years we have been working towards growing and providing as much for our family as we can on our own.  I am no expert, but it has become important to me.

I think the addition of the 3 little boys was definitely a part of the push for me.  I kept thinking about how much food costs have gone up and how they would probably keep going up. At some point I will have 4 boys ranging from 12 -18 years old and if I know anything about boys its that they can clean out a refrigerator in no time.  We get a foster care per diem right now and the boys are little, so it hasn't been too hard on us, but I am trying to think smart and plan to use our resources efficiently to provide well for my family now, and in the future.

 We save so much money by growing our own food, and by buying meat in bulk from the butcher.  Recently a family member came to visit.  Cyrus and Liv were asking why we weren't eating out as we munched on pork burgers, sweet corn, applesauce, and green beans.  We started by adding up the costs of the meal we were currently eating.  Because the produce came from our home and the meat came from the butcher, the meal, which fed 8 of us, cost approximately $4.50.  If we had gone to our favorite "cheap" sit down restaurant it would have been $45 and a tip.  The kids and the visiting family member were duly impressed.  It has been this kind of thinking that has led us down this road of attempting to be more self-sufficient. 

All of that was to explain to you why we now have goats.  Obee can't drink regular milk.  He has some kind of reaction to the lactose.  I have to buy him special milk that costs $4.45 for a half gallon!  That is nearly $10 a gallon!  We had talked about getting goats several times.  Goats would help keep down the annoying weeds in our pasture, they would be wonderful trimmers for the blackberry bushes, we like goats, and we could all drink goat's milk becoming that much more self-sufficient.

We were given Dixie, she is a Boer goat, which is a meat goat and not a dairy goat, but someone asked if we'd be willing to take her as their life no longer permitted a pet goat.  Dixie got the ball rolling.  She ate the weeds, but did not provide any milk, which was what my heart truly desired.  We started looking around and that brought us to our Nubian, Courtnay and her two kids, Stars and Stripes (names chosen by
Cy and Liv). 

Now Courtnay is a first time freshener (I think that's how you say it).  What that means is that these are her first kids and she has NEVER been milked.   I am a first time milker and what that means is Courtnay and I are muddling through as best we can.  I saw Courtnay's Mom get milked.  I practiced on her Mom, and I thought, "No problem!  I've totally got this!"  The one eensy-weensy problem is that Court does not appreciate anyone handling her udder and she has absolutely zero patience for a novice.  After about a week of milking practice we are finally getting measurable milk,  Court still tries to hop, kick, and bump all over the milkstand, but she is beginning to settle and I am starting to improve on this milking thing.  We turned the corner the day I stared her dead in the eye and said, "YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS!  I took on 3 little boys at one time.  THREE!  If I can do that, then I am definitely more stubborn than you are (Yes, I actually said this out loud to a goat)."  Courtnay, who is currently raising 2 demanding kids must have had sympathy because she settled down after our little chat.

So just remember if you are thinking about going into foster care and maybe adopting this could lead to all kinds of new frontiers you never even dreamed of before.  You might wake up one morning and go out to milk a goat and in some strange way it will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done.

Parenting the Personalities

I have so many personalities in my home.  I often make the mistake of finding something that works with one personality and attempting to copy paste that same method across the spectrum only to end up sending my home into a cauldron of chaos.

I did it just recently.  I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible.  When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation.  I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out.  I had an "aha" moment.  I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy.  Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations).  I just point at the time out chair.  We don't talk.  He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.

Now, onto my mistake.  I over applied this technique to Obee.  He does a big violation and I point at the chair.  Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things.  When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood.  He started wailing as he went to the time out chair.  He hasn't done that in forever.  He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down.  He took forever to calm down.

I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers.  They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk.  Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult.  It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.

Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often).  When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.

 Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others.  I am a crier.  I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her.  She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry."  I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it."  Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out. 

We will see what Zee will be.  He can't communicate much yet.

My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response. 
So a note to myself...

Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.

Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.

Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him.  Just either way, give him the cookie.  One for each hand if possible.

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Grouchy Kids

I am really very tired of my oldest children fighting.  They are so whiny today.  Its a blame game constantly.  I sat down to play cards with them during nap time.  This is not something I do.  I usually take "me" time during nap time or I get some work done. The behaviors with Cy and Liv were just a little bit grating and obnoxious nearly the entire time.

I wonder if they are over tired?  I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend..  They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this.  They are driving me nuts.

When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.

I guess that's life with so many.  Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle!  That's childhood.

Leaving the Safe Zone

This first part is not the point of this post.

 ------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit.  I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker!  She comes when she says she is coming.  She makes what seems to be common sense decisions.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----

The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case.  She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance.  I can't relax until I know the boys are free.  I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.

The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal.  We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt.  I don't want to wait!

Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$.  Seriously! Every. single. time.  I think "what is going to go wrong now?"  I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us.  Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated. 

As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts.  I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.

As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids.  As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior.  It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day.  There is NO saving the day.  I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves.  So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all.  I tried to protect us all when I could.  I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone.   Someone else was hurting with them.

Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare.  We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life.  I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart.  Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.

Vacation and Termination News

Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect.  We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out!  Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool.  Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.

There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi.  They both triggered around the water.  They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water.  Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.

 I am loving this.  Getting away and loving on my family.  That is the only thing I have to do on vacation.  As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I  had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks.  For me, this is perfect.  I love this family God has given me.\

In other news the termination trial is over.  Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling.  I am told we won't hear until around the first of July.  What is with all of this waiting!?  The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective.  She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no."  She says that's a really good sign.  Okay, well I can't think about that stuff.  It upsets me...

Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!

What I Should be Doing

Right now I should be folding laundry

I should start packing for vacation,

I should be doing Liv's hair for Family Showcase tonight,


and I should be paying the bills and balancing the checkbook.

I should be doing a lot of stuff right now, but I'm not because I'm procratinating and its sort of wonderful.


I really can't afford to be lazy with so many needing so much from me, but I could literally fill an entire day doing all the things I should be doing.  If I have learned anything in all this time doing foster care I have learned to steal my downtime from the list of "shoulds" and revel in it.




Just in case you'd like to know, Family Showcase is our homeschool groups end of the year gathering.  Our kids create projects or perform a talent for the group "showcasing" some skill they have been working on that year.

A Sampling

For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...

I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago.  My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her.  I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic.  She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water.  We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that.  :)  We truly enjoyed our girl time.

In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional.  He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me.  Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all...  He laid his head on me and I hugged him.  "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore."  He is my emotional boy.

Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone.  "Dis my Mom.  You gotta Mom?  Dis my Mom."  I love his ownership of me.  The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream.  He said, "I don't love you!  I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!"  I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face.  I had to admire his creative anger.

Then Obee got mad.  "CHI!  Dat's my MOM.  I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!"  At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back.  Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words.  I love that boy.

Therapy or Not

Cy says prayers with me every night.  Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers.  Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."

I hope he's right.  He's been praying it every single night for months now.  Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February. 

Will this thing ever get done?


And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.

I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy.  There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me.  It seems counterproductive.  It's not like we don't talk about big feelings. 

Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me.  We talked for a long time, but then he was fine.  I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too.  On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad.  He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day. 

One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them.  I am learning to respect their version of their story.  I don't want to give them my views or their siblings.  There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.

I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot.  It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff.  Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit.  It might even be helping.  I can't decide what to do.

Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.