I made the right contacts to look in to reopening our home. We could reopen our home because our license has not been closed for too long. I talked to 3 different people and was told we would be contacted about relicensing. I did all of this 2 weeks ago.
No contact from anyone.
So... I am not going to worry about it. The whole thing is too big for me. If God wants it to work out he will change the situation to work.
I saw a new picture of baby girl. Her hair was adorable, her outfit a perfect little white tutu, the rooms around her were clean and picked up. The pics of Mom show similar self care. As of right now even I would not pull her away based on what can be seen.
I will continue to pray, but I can't guess what is best. Only God knows.
Update on my babies? Cy is 11 and after recovering from a compound fracture of his arm he is back in gymnastics. He is chronically absent-minded' but super intelligent, and striving to honor God and his family. He and Obie are pretty tight.
Olivia is doing well, but continues to need to be pulled out of the boy craziness from time to time and have Mommy - Daughter time. I thank God my sister and her 3 girls are close. Jazz and Olivia are 3 months apart in age so they are best frenemies!
Obie's biggest issues right now are his struggles to do EVERYTHING Cy and Liv do. He is helpful and good natured and talented. He can get anxiety, but we can usually talk him through it. He successfully handled his first big kids weekend with Cy and Liv at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Everyone said he was awesome.
Malachi is growing up a lot. He helps do the chores and is beginning to think of others to some extent. His love for animals has helped with this. It has taught him compassion. He still struggles the most with resiliency and anxiety. Example: he just hit Zee in the face 3 times because as he said, "he was standing to close and it was scaring me." We will be talking with his doctor about this kind of thing soon. Everywhere we go and everything we do we have to plan, prepare, and make accomodations, for Chi. We have gotten used to it, but I wonder if something more can be done.
Zee has spent these past few months adapting to our expectations to be a big boy and use his words, and obey. He his a charmer as nearly all babies of the family are. He likes to sing and dance, and loves anything to do with tractors. He likes to push his siblings buttons and tries to take advantage of his baby status to get his way.
All in all I have a pretty terrific bunch and we are making our way through life feeling blessed beyond measure.
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Monday, June 29, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Sibling Conversations
Talking about adoption is open in our home. Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life. Two of my children do not. Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.
Here are a few examples. There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time. I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist. I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want. Later." And we do talk about it.
Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom. So annoying... So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!" I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.
If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?" I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?
Then there is Cy. He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family. He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar. He says in a baby voice, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..." This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word. When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel. Do I say something and make Cy feel bad? Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?
My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!" Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.
Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy! Mommy is MY Mommy!" Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts. I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.
My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy. You are both right! This I say with a big smile and an excited voice. Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.
I get so scared of messing this up sometimes. There are so many people I need to help sort it all out. I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me. I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?
I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family. I just want to do a good job. You know?!
Here are a few examples. There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time. I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist. I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want. Later." And we do talk about it.
Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom. So annoying... So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!" I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.
If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?" I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?
Then there is Cy. He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family. He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar. He says in a baby voice, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..." This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word. When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel. Do I say something and make Cy feel bad? Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?
My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!" Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.
Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy! Mommy is MY Mommy!" Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts. I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.
My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy. You are both right! This I say with a big smile and an excited voice. Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.
I get so scared of messing this up sometimes. There are so many people I need to help sort it all out. I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me. I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?
I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family. I just want to do a good job. You know?!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
His Subconscious Remembers
Sometimes my Obie has confusing dreams. As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams. His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams. These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.
I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly. When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place. Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself. His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.
As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence. How did I know even what he wasn't saying?! He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer.
Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom. This was my precious son's idea. We talked for awhile. He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.
There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing. I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams. I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.
Monday, October 27, 2014
No blogging
No blogging today Zee is 3. He NEEDS everything... now.
No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.
No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.
No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.
No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division and has forgotten... everything.
No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.
No blogging today there's home to be kept.
No blogging today, there's life in the way.
No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.
No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.
No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.
No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division and has forgotten... everything.
No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.
No blogging today there's home to be kept.
No blogging today, there's life in the way.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Our Schedule
We have a unique schedule working with both families to get everyone's needs met.
A daily schedule often looks like this...
From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able. She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest. She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch.
After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time. Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here. Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.
Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week. Whew! I am tired just writing it all!
Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives. She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids. When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence. Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.
A daily schedule often looks like this...
- Get everyone dressed
- Milk the goat
- Big Kids feed the dogs, the cats, the goats, the chickens, and the chicks.
- Have the Littles do their chores.
- Get breakfast.
- Clean up breakfast
- 20 minutes of silent reading for pre-k to 8th grade (The Littles love to look at books!)
- 10 minutes of journal writing
- push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching exercises for everyone (A little exercise makes everyone's brains work better.)
- History, Science, or Oral Reports (This varies based on the day. We are using Magic School Bus episodes and America the Story of Us DVD's. The 4 oldest answer worksheets based on their viewing, so they are forced to pay attention and I tailor-make worksheets for my 2nd and 3rd grader. The Littles just enjoy watching some television and Obie takes in the most basic things like, we had a war with Britain once, germs make us sick, etc.
- Math
- Spelling
- Language Arts (This includes parts of speech, writing skills, and Vocabulary work)
- Reading Comprehension
From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able. She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest. She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch.
After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time. Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here. Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.
Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week. Whew! I am tired just writing it all!
Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives. She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids. When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence. Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Foster Adoption and My Extended Family
If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience. There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents. There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another. Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed. As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging. They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me, I feel the same way. We are a family and we believe that will not be undone. Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Moved
We are moved and settling in to our new home. I have been dealing with a lot of junk coming from Chi. I knew there would be regression, but this has been difficult. On the positive side of things, these difficulties drive me to my knees. God has been hearing from me a lot lately.
In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights. I squealed with joy when I saw the decision. Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit. We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption. I am so ready for that next step.
We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home. I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon. Our caseworker is so kind. She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else. She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed. I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.
This next part is hard for me to write. I feel like I have to justify it somehow... We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house. It helps her situation out and it helps us as well. We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her. I know I am at a distressing point of burnout. The move has not helped. Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie. We always have to be "on." They do not handle shifting caregivers well. Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change.
My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning. She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her. She was ready. Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you! You are mean like my Mom!" I had to laugh when I found out about that. My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers. When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies. Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.
There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10). I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated. I feel the chore of having to reconnect again. I am getting too old for this. Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic. That's quite an investment. I know God is good. I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.
In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights. I squealed with joy when I saw the decision. Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit. We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption. I am so ready for that next step.
We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home. I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon. Our caseworker is so kind. She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else. She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed. I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.
This next part is hard for me to write. I feel like I have to justify it somehow... We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house. It helps her situation out and it helps us as well. We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her. I know I am at a distressing point of burnout. The move has not helped. Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie. We always have to be "on." They do not handle shifting caregivers well. Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change.
My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning. She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her. She was ready. Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you! You are mean like my Mom!" I had to laugh when I found out about that. My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers. When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies. Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.
There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10). I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated. I feel the chore of having to reconnect again. I am getting too old for this. Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic. That's quite an investment. I know God is good. I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Preparing to Move
We had will be moving over the next two weeks. The kids are really doing well with it. I am so glad because that was a concern.
I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.
Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful. I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.
Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute. It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally. I am making the most out of the good days.
Obie started to express concern over moving. We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared. He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up. He is still afraid of stuff like that, but he talks big. I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go. I didn't really comfort him much I think.
Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move. Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth. "Obie we are moving for you. We want you to be safe. "
"NO!" I was thinking. I was sure this was the wrong tactic. "Don't put this on him!" I thought.
My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe. I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"
"Okay Dad."
That was it. Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then. He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him. When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie. I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.
I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.
Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful. I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.
Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute. It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally. I am making the most out of the good days.
Obie started to express concern over moving. We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared. He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up. He is still afraid of stuff like that, but he talks big. I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go. I didn't really comfort him much I think.
Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move. Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth. "Obie we are moving for you. We want you to be safe. "
"NO!" I was thinking. I was sure this was the wrong tactic. "Don't put this on him!" I thought.
My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe. I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"
"Okay Dad."
That was it. Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then. He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him. When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie. I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Problem Solver
Zee is being two. I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2! I remind myself it isn't personal. He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion, and Mommy is good for problem - solving. So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG. Precious little muffin that he is...
It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY! I need you to solve everything!"
Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less. He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone. He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.
I am beginning to get a better perspective. They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.
Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together. It was just me and 5 opinionated kids. There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough. I got us ice cream as we neared home. We deserved it. I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.
In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.
I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.
Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments. We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.
It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY! I need you to solve everything!"
Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less. He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone. He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.
I am beginning to get a better perspective. They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.
Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together. It was just me and 5 opinionated kids. There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough. I got us ice cream as we neared home. We deserved it. I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.
In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.
I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.
Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments. We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
My crazy life
I still don’t know if we got the house. The bank took one more day to allow everyone one more chance for their best final offer. I am frustrated with this whole process. I am so grateful that we found buyers for our home so quickly, but I don't like not feeling like we have some options.
We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing. That has been a blessing. No more snow In the house! Now its mud :/ Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud. At least the fighting is lessening.
Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping. I was unaware she left her jars of paint out. On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs. They were covered in paint. They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings. They painted the carpeting. The little darlings made a poor choice. I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection. Its never boring!
We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing. That has been a blessing. No more snow In the house! Now its mud :/ Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud. At least the fighting is lessening.
Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping. I was unaware she left her jars of paint out. On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs. They were covered in paint. They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings. They painted the carpeting. The little darlings made a poor choice. I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection. Its never boring!
Friday, February 14, 2014
No House
I am trying not to get overwhelmed, but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me. Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones. We are talking about moving into something smaller. When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.
My kids are so rowdy. 4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to. I can't imagine having to protect the furniture, walls, and windows even more than I already do. This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.
I have a prayer request. We found one house that would hold all of us easily. We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale. Everyone says short sales usually take forever. I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need. We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.
I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American. Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.
My kids are so rowdy. 4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to. I can't imagine having to protect the furniture, walls, and windows even more than I already do. This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.
I have a prayer request. We found one house that would hold all of us easily. We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale. Everyone says short sales usually take forever. I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need. We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.
I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American. Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Correcting and Reconnecting
That's about how my day goes all day long. The correcting part comes easy. I jump on that bandwagon in a split second. I am there before I even intend to be. Parenting so many young kids had made me very reactive... When the 2 year old is eating a sharpie, the 3 year old is playing in the sink, and the 4 year old is announcing he's big enough to collect eggs by himself that reactive thing gets intense.
BUT, I am actually learning something... I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible. I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and I show in some small way that I want to stay connected. When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot. We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations. I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.
BUT, I am actually learning something... I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible. I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and I show in some small way that I want to stay connected. When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot. We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations. I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Weary
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say. If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up. I am not a wimp. I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.
In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back. We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no."" We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks. Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.
When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy. We weren't looking for easy. Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story. We know its going to be hard and take a long time. We know we aren't wimps. We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough. We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons. We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting. Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation is beyond tiring.
This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit. Except... There is NO QUITTING. These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them. These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.
Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is? There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going. I can't see redemption. I can't see the harvest to come. Its too hard right now. I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going. I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9. I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit. I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming.
Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.
This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say. If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up. I am not a wimp. I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.
In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back. We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no."" We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks. Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.
When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy. We weren't looking for easy. Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story. We know its going to be hard and take a long time. We know we aren't wimps. We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough. We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons. We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting. Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation is beyond tiring.
This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit. Except... There is NO QUITTING. These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them. These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.
Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is? There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going. I can't see redemption. I can't see the harvest to come. Its too hard right now. I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going. I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9. I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit. I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming.
Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Freedom
I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful. Sweet relief washed over me today. I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker. I held each of my beautiful boys and cried. "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!" They were the only coherent words I could utter.
The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights. My boys are free.
Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement. Free.
Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals. Free.
Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.
To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King. "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty they're free at last."
Monday, June 24, 2013
Therapy Animals
Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before. He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all. He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis. I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.
I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately. Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around. The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it. He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy. He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture. If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.
Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action. We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks. There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off. When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.
Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships. But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad. He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him. He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.
I am loving on Chi lately. He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.
I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately. Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around. The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it. He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy. He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture. If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.
Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action. We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks. There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off. When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.
Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships. But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad. He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him. He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.
I am loving on Chi lately. He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Warning! Foster Care Can Lead to Goats
These past 2 weeks have seen the addition of quite a few mammals to our little farm. We grew by 2 puppies, another 30 chickens, 4 goats, 6 ducks, and a partridge in a pear tree. Okay, not really the partridge, but you get my point. I never intended to have 30 more chickens (We had 25 already) and 6 ducks. That just sort of happened, but the puppies and goats were part of the plan.
This partly explains my absence from blogging (well, that and horrible internet problems). I have been BUSY. I also have green beans coming in already, so I am gearing up for picking and canning. I guess we are kind of becoming a homesteading family. At least when I search the internet for answers to my questions I oftentimes end up reading advice from homesteading types. Over the past couple of years we have been working towards growing and providing as much for our family as we can on our own. I am no expert, but it has become important to me.
I think the addition of the 3 little boys was definitely a part of the push for me. I kept thinking about how much food costs have gone up and how they would probably keep going up. At some point I will have 4 boys ranging from 12 -18 years old and if I know anything about boys its that they can clean out a refrigerator in no time. We get a foster care per diem right now and the boys are little, so it hasn't been too hard on us, but I am trying to think smart and plan to use our resources efficiently to provide well for my family now, and in the future.
We save so much money by growing our own food, and by buying meat in bulk from the butcher. Recently a family member came to visit. Cyrus and Liv were asking why we weren't eating out as we munched on pork burgers, sweet corn, applesauce, and green beans. We started by adding up the costs of the meal we were currently eating. Because the produce came from our home and the meat came from the butcher, the meal, which fed 8 of us, cost approximately $4.50. If we had gone to our favorite "cheap" sit down restaurant it would have been $45 and a tip. The kids and the visiting family member were duly impressed. It has been this kind of thinking that has led us down this road of attempting to be more self-sufficient.
All of that was to explain to you why we now have goats. Obee can't drink regular milk. He has some kind of reaction to the lactose. I have to buy him special milk that costs $4.45 for a half gallon! That is nearly $10 a gallon! We had talked about getting goats several times. Goats would help keep down the annoying weeds in our pasture, they would be wonderful trimmers for the blackberry bushes, we like goats, and we could all drink goat's milk becoming that much more self-sufficient.
We were given Dixie, she is a Boer goat, which is a meat goat and not a dairy goat, but someone asked if we'd be willing to take her as their life no longer permitted a pet goat. Dixie got the ball rolling. She ate the weeds, but did not provide any milk, which was what my heart truly desired. We started looking around and that brought us to our Nubian, Courtnay and her two kids, Stars and Stripes (names chosen by
Cy and Liv).
Now Courtnay is a first time freshener (I think that's how you say it). What that means is that these are her first kids and she has NEVER been milked. I am a first time milker and what that means is Courtnay and I are muddling through as best we can. I saw Courtnay's Mom get milked. I practiced on her Mom, and I thought, "No problem! I've totally got this!" The one eensy-weensy problem is that Court does not appreciate anyone handling her udder and she has absolutely zero patience for a novice. After about a week of milking practice we are finally getting measurable milk, Court still tries to hop, kick, and bump all over the milkstand, but she is beginning to settle and I am starting to improve on this milking thing. We turned the corner the day I stared her dead in the eye and said, "YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS! I took on 3 little boys at one time. THREE! If I can do that, then I am definitely more stubborn than you are (Yes, I actually said this out loud to a goat)." Courtnay, who is currently raising 2 demanding kids must have had sympathy because she settled down after our little chat.
So just remember if you are thinking about going into foster care and maybe adopting this could lead to all kinds of new frontiers you never even dreamed of before. You might wake up one morning and go out to milk a goat and in some strange way it will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done.
This partly explains my absence from blogging (well, that and horrible internet problems). I have been BUSY. I also have green beans coming in already, so I am gearing up for picking and canning. I guess we are kind of becoming a homesteading family. At least when I search the internet for answers to my questions I oftentimes end up reading advice from homesteading types. Over the past couple of years we have been working towards growing and providing as much for our family as we can on our own. I am no expert, but it has become important to me.
I think the addition of the 3 little boys was definitely a part of the push for me. I kept thinking about how much food costs have gone up and how they would probably keep going up. At some point I will have 4 boys ranging from 12 -18 years old and if I know anything about boys its that they can clean out a refrigerator in no time. We get a foster care per diem right now and the boys are little, so it hasn't been too hard on us, but I am trying to think smart and plan to use our resources efficiently to provide well for my family now, and in the future.
We save so much money by growing our own food, and by buying meat in bulk from the butcher. Recently a family member came to visit. Cyrus and Liv were asking why we weren't eating out as we munched on pork burgers, sweet corn, applesauce, and green beans. We started by adding up the costs of the meal we were currently eating. Because the produce came from our home and the meat came from the butcher, the meal, which fed 8 of us, cost approximately $4.50. If we had gone to our favorite "cheap" sit down restaurant it would have been $45 and a tip. The kids and the visiting family member were duly impressed. It has been this kind of thinking that has led us down this road of attempting to be more self-sufficient.
All of that was to explain to you why we now have goats. Obee can't drink regular milk. He has some kind of reaction to the lactose. I have to buy him special milk that costs $4.45 for a half gallon! That is nearly $10 a gallon! We had talked about getting goats several times. Goats would help keep down the annoying weeds in our pasture, they would be wonderful trimmers for the blackberry bushes, we like goats, and we could all drink goat's milk becoming that much more self-sufficient.
We were given Dixie, she is a Boer goat, which is a meat goat and not a dairy goat, but someone asked if we'd be willing to take her as their life no longer permitted a pet goat. Dixie got the ball rolling. She ate the weeds, but did not provide any milk, which was what my heart truly desired. We started looking around and that brought us to our Nubian, Courtnay and her two kids, Stars and Stripes (names chosen by
Cy and Liv).
Now Courtnay is a first time freshener (I think that's how you say it). What that means is that these are her first kids and she has NEVER been milked. I am a first time milker and what that means is Courtnay and I are muddling through as best we can. I saw Courtnay's Mom get milked. I practiced on her Mom, and I thought, "No problem! I've totally got this!" The one eensy-weensy problem is that Court does not appreciate anyone handling her udder and she has absolutely zero patience for a novice. After about a week of milking practice we are finally getting measurable milk, Court still tries to hop, kick, and bump all over the milkstand, but she is beginning to settle and I am starting to improve on this milking thing. We turned the corner the day I stared her dead in the eye and said, "YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS! I took on 3 little boys at one time. THREE! If I can do that, then I am definitely more stubborn than you are (Yes, I actually said this out loud to a goat)." Courtnay, who is currently raising 2 demanding kids must have had sympathy because she settled down after our little chat.
So just remember if you are thinking about going into foster care and maybe adopting this could lead to all kinds of new frontiers you never even dreamed of before. You might wake up one morning and go out to milk a goat and in some strange way it will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Reunion
It
was a pretty good day yesterday. At least looking back on it. I woke up
so, so tired. As I do every day, I prayed for strength. I crawled
out of bed and knew that my energy was just not there. What do I do?
There is no choice. I put one foot in front of the other and keep
going.
Cy
and Liv have been gone visiting Grandparents and I knew they were
coming home yesterday. Clean up had to happen. Maybe not for Cy and
Liv, but definitely with my in-laws coming over. How I wonder, do
bathrooms get so dirty so quickly? When will I get good at
remembering to move the laundry to the dryer? Why did all of this
used to seem so easy?
A-round-a-bout
noon I started to feel more awake. I moved slightly faster on the
chores. Absentminded cleaning got replaced with slightly more focus.
Chi
had a pretty good day, so that helped. He did a lot better with the
screaming as I have been working hard on that single issue with him
for the last several days.
If
he screams to communicate he sits down for awhile. Period. I don't
negotiate the who, what, where, why, or how until after he sits...
quietly. When he screams it's rarely from actual trauma. 99% of the
time when he screams he is frustrated about something. I have yet to
have a single event over the last 4 days make me say, “Yeah, I
guess that's worth screaming about.”
Then
when he did really hurt himself on something he didn't even scream.
He just showed me his bleeding toe and asked for a bandage, but I
digress. So, Chi has to sit, and then after quiet sitting we talk.
He has shown improvement since the zero-tolerance screaming policy
has come into play. He backslid a little when Cy and Liv got home.
He was thinking that maybe he could at least still scream at them.
Obee
is a happy boy. He has been like a lost puppy following me around
for the last several days since the kids left. He just did not know
what to do with himself. He has been driving me just a bit bonkers
with his extra clingy, slightly rebellious, whining for everything,
boundary pushing behaviors over the last 4 days. Cy and Liv came
home and happy, secure, Obee came back. I suppose my boy just likes
his family close.
Even
Zee was in a better mood after the big kids came home. Zee's crib is
in Liv's room. He wakes up to the sight of her nearly everyday. She
plays silly games from her bed for him just to make him laugh. She
has been missing. I wonder if that is why he has been waking up
crabby? He saw her today when he woke up from nap and bubbly Zee was
back.
It's
these little things that remind me that my Littles are probably still
carrying a lot of insecurities. They do better when we are all
together. Our crazy family-life represents stability for them and
they want every person in their place. I agree with my Littles, life
is better with Cy and Liv around.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Parenting the Personalities
I have so many personalities in my home. I often make the mistake of finding something that works with one personality and attempting to copy paste that same method across the spectrum only to end up sending my home into a cauldron of chaos.
I did it just recently. I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible. When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation. I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out. I had an "aha" moment. I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy. Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations). I just point at the time out chair. We don't talk. He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.
Now, onto my mistake. I over applied this technique to Obee. He does a big violation and I point at the chair. Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things. When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood. He started wailing as he went to the time out chair. He hasn't done that in forever. He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down. He took forever to calm down.
I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers. They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk. Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult. It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.
Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often). When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.
Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others. I am a crier. I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her. She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry." I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it." Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out.
We will see what Zee will be. He can't communicate much yet.
My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response.
So a note to myself...
Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.
Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.
Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him. Just either way, give him the cookie. One for each hand if possible.
I did it just recently. I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible. When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation. I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out. I had an "aha" moment. I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy. Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations). I just point at the time out chair. We don't talk. He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.
Now, onto my mistake. I over applied this technique to Obee. He does a big violation and I point at the chair. Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things. When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood. He started wailing as he went to the time out chair. He hasn't done that in forever. He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down. He took forever to calm down.
I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers. They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk. Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult. It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.
Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often). When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.
Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others. I am a crier. I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her. She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry." I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it." Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out.
We will see what Zee will be. He can't communicate much yet.
My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response.
So a note to myself...
Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.
Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.
Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him. Just either way, give him the cookie. One for each hand if possible.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Travel Can Be a Bear
We have been going like crazy the last week or so. We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.
The visits were great and terrible. It was so good to see family and to reconnect. However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things. I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement). I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly. I was questioning everything I was trying to do.
I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits. This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel. When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people... uncomfortable would be another understatement. We all tried to stay outside as much as possible. 6 family members left early. I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying. I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work. I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.
I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way." I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment. I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come. I wondered if we were both crazy.
I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer. Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid. He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.
My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption. You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year? She was such a balm for my wounded heart. She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.
Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children. She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard. Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise. My kids could spread out and play. It made my day and theirs.
I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas. I am going to be making some changes here at home. I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.
The visits were great and terrible. It was so good to see family and to reconnect. However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things. I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement). I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly. I was questioning everything I was trying to do.
I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits. This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel. When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people... uncomfortable would be another understatement. We all tried to stay outside as much as possible. 6 family members left early. I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying. I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work. I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.
I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way." I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment. I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come. I wondered if we were both crazy.
I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer. Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid. He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.
My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption. You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year? She was such a balm for my wounded heart. She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.
Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children. She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard. Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise. My kids could spread out and play. It made my day and theirs.
I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas. I am going to be making some changes here at home. I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Grouchy Kids
I am really very tired of my oldest children fighting. They are so whiny today. Its a blame game constantly. I sat down to play cards with them during nap time. This is not something I do. I usually take "me" time during nap time or I get some work done. The behaviors with Cy and Liv were just a little bit grating and obnoxious nearly the entire time.
I wonder if they are over tired? I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend.. They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this. They are driving me nuts.
When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.
I guess that's life with so many. Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle! That's childhood.
I wonder if they are over tired? I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend.. They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this. They are driving me nuts.
When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.
I guess that's life with so many. Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle! That's childhood.
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