My Crew

The gorgeous children you see in this photo are all the children I care for now.  We have my five, Cyrus, 10, Olivia, 8, Obadiah, 5, Malachi, 4, and Zebedee, 2.  Added to that number are my sister Deb's children Dante, 14, Alana, 12 Nadia, 11, and Jasmyn, 8.

Yes, I got her permission to blog about her family first.  :)

Remember we found this house with the large guest home?  I moved my sister in.  Her life had gone from bad to "how does she get up everyday!?" In a span of about 3 years.   My husband and I felt called to share our blessing with her.  We decided to hire her to help us so we could in turn help her.  This whole process began last March. 

I could have done an entirely different blog on that adjustment!  It was hard for her and it was hard for us to blend two chaotic families. In some ways we both felt like foster parents stretching our "normal" to accomodate the needs of many more people. 

God has been so present in all of it and he has brought our families more peace together than we could ever have had alone, but, I am not going to lie, there were some rough moments.

I am the teacher of 7 now.  THAT was an adjustment!  Our life is pretty cool and loud and sometimes hard, but I am so grateful to be sharing it with my sister and her children. 

But... Our newest reality is that I can't really afford to pay for help.  It has begun to be too much of a strain our finances.  My sister is looking for work and I am looking at stepping up more for this crew that I love so much.  I know God put us together and I know we will all continue together somehow. 

God just keeps growing my family and I am honored to have more to love.

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

Update

We are settled in for the most part.  My 3 little boys have gotten past the worst of their transition issues.  Then the older 2 then started to grieve a bit for their friends.  

We have all gone through a round of sickness and multiple visits from workers getting us all legal here as far as foster care goes.

During this time we also finalized the adoption paperwork.   Our big day is May 29th!

Obie broke his thumb last night when he tried to pick up a big tractor tire and dropped it on his hand.  We got to do lots of documenting because of foster care and additional paperwork because we just moved.  Thank God nothing worse happened, but it just underscores how great it will be to reduce the extra steps we have to do as foster parents.

Weary

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.




This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say.  If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up.  I am not a wimp.  I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.  

In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back.  We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no.""  We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks.  Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.  

When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy.  We weren't looking for easy.  Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story.  We know its going to be hard and take a long time.  We know we aren't wimps.  We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough.  We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons.  We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting.  Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation  is beyond tiring.

This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit.  Except... There is NO QUITTING.  These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them.  These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.

Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is?  There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going.  I can't see redemption.  I can't see the harvest to come.  Its too hard right now.  I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going.  I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9.  I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit.  I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming. 

 Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.

Peeing

Chi and I went to Sensory therapy today.  He did okay.  He had to pee one time more than usual, but that's it.  Fyi one of Chi's big things is having to pee when he's upset, bored, excited, mad.

He only moaned, cried, and twisted a few times on the ride home.  I picked up the kids, dropped off the sitters,  and headed to Walmart.   I decided to skip a ton of fights and keep him in his own cart and have Cy push Zee in another.  He, Chi demanded to pee 4 times while we were in there.   Demanding it involves screaming, sobbing, slobbering, and grabbing himself.  So I took him because if I don't he will pee himself.  The last time it was the faintest trickle, but it got him out of the cart!  He said he had to go again and started in, but then Cy said something about flushing him.  The show stopped instantly and he asked Cy not to flush him.  "I will just hold it okay Cy?"  This was said in a perfectly calm and normal voice as if he wasn't just losing it.  Part of me knows its manipulation,  but if I'm going to be cleaning pee then it works.

Later at  naptime I sent him to go potty and get in bed.  15 minutes later he's running around yelling he has to go potty.  So I let him.  5 minutes later he's screaming from bed that he has to go.  Wearing a diaper doesn't stop any of it.

So that's today so far.  Not feeling too snuggly right now.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Warning! Foster Care Can Lead to Goats

These past 2 weeks have seen the addition of quite a few mammals to our little farm.  We grew by 2 puppies, another 30 chickens, 4 goats, 6 ducks, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Okay, not really the partridge, but you get my point.  I never intended to have 30 more chickens (We had 25 already) and 6 ducks.  That just sort of happened, but the puppies and goats were part of the plan.

This partly explains my absence from blogging (well, that and horrible internet problems).  I have been BUSY.  I also have green beans coming in already, so I am gearing up for picking and canning. I guess we are kind of becoming a homesteading family. At least when I search the internet for answers to my questions I oftentimes end up reading advice from homesteading types.  Over the past couple of years we have been working towards growing and providing as much for our family as we can on our own.  I am no expert, but it has become important to me.

I think the addition of the 3 little boys was definitely a part of the push for me.  I kept thinking about how much food costs have gone up and how they would probably keep going up. At some point I will have 4 boys ranging from 12 -18 years old and if I know anything about boys its that they can clean out a refrigerator in no time.  We get a foster care per diem right now and the boys are little, so it hasn't been too hard on us, but I am trying to think smart and plan to use our resources efficiently to provide well for my family now, and in the future.

 We save so much money by growing our own food, and by buying meat in bulk from the butcher.  Recently a family member came to visit.  Cyrus and Liv were asking why we weren't eating out as we munched on pork burgers, sweet corn, applesauce, and green beans.  We started by adding up the costs of the meal we were currently eating.  Because the produce came from our home and the meat came from the butcher, the meal, which fed 8 of us, cost approximately $4.50.  If we had gone to our favorite "cheap" sit down restaurant it would have been $45 and a tip.  The kids and the visiting family member were duly impressed.  It has been this kind of thinking that has led us down this road of attempting to be more self-sufficient. 

All of that was to explain to you why we now have goats.  Obee can't drink regular milk.  He has some kind of reaction to the lactose.  I have to buy him special milk that costs $4.45 for a half gallon!  That is nearly $10 a gallon!  We had talked about getting goats several times.  Goats would help keep down the annoying weeds in our pasture, they would be wonderful trimmers for the blackberry bushes, we like goats, and we could all drink goat's milk becoming that much more self-sufficient.

We were given Dixie, she is a Boer goat, which is a meat goat and not a dairy goat, but someone asked if we'd be willing to take her as their life no longer permitted a pet goat.  Dixie got the ball rolling.  She ate the weeds, but did not provide any milk, which was what my heart truly desired.  We started looking around and that brought us to our Nubian, Courtnay and her two kids, Stars and Stripes (names chosen by
Cy and Liv). 

Now Courtnay is a first time freshener (I think that's how you say it).  What that means is that these are her first kids and she has NEVER been milked.   I am a first time milker and what that means is Courtnay and I are muddling through as best we can.  I saw Courtnay's Mom get milked.  I practiced on her Mom, and I thought, "No problem!  I've totally got this!"  The one eensy-weensy problem is that Court does not appreciate anyone handling her udder and she has absolutely zero patience for a novice.  After about a week of milking practice we are finally getting measurable milk,  Court still tries to hop, kick, and bump all over the milkstand, but she is beginning to settle and I am starting to improve on this milking thing.  We turned the corner the day I stared her dead in the eye and said, "YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS!  I took on 3 little boys at one time.  THREE!  If I can do that, then I am definitely more stubborn than you are (Yes, I actually said this out loud to a goat)."  Courtnay, who is currently raising 2 demanding kids must have had sympathy because she settled down after our little chat.

So just remember if you are thinking about going into foster care and maybe adopting this could lead to all kinds of new frontiers you never even dreamed of before.  You might wake up one morning and go out to milk a goat and in some strange way it will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done.

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Leaving the Safe Zone

This first part is not the point of this post.

 ------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit.  I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker!  She comes when she says she is coming.  She makes what seems to be common sense decisions.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----

The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case.  She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance.  I can't relax until I know the boys are free.  I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.

The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal.  We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt.  I don't want to wait!

Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$.  Seriously! Every. single. time.  I think "what is going to go wrong now?"  I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us.  Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated. 

As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts.  I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.

As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids.  As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior.  It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day.  There is NO saving the day.  I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves.  So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all.  I tried to protect us all when I could.  I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone.   Someone else was hurting with them.

Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare.  We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life.  I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart.  Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.

Waiting For A Breeze

 I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family.  I believe I have mentioned that here before.  I have done nothing toward that "goal."  I don't even feel right calling it that.  It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered.   For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away.  There was no way I could do more.  Life is far from easy already.  There is no way Ryan could do more.  The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.

Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger.  Are you willing?  I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able.  Of course  HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.


A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again.  I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me.  I thought of my home.  I thought "I have room for one more."  How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?

I only prayed.  I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW.  I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching.  I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan.  One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk.  I STILL didn't bring it up.  I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation. 

Then I saw his eyes get droopy.  I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me.  I knew exactly what would wake him up.  "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?"  Yep, that got his attention all right.  The shocker was for me though.  He was completely on board. 

At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake."  My jaw kind of dropped.   I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago.  Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids.  It seems as though God has been preparing us both.

So where do we go from here?  Well, I am not sure.  We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now.  We are very focused on completing this first adoption process.  I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze.  We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now.  I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now,  we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.

Vacation and Termination News

Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect.  We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out!  Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool.  Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.

There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi.  They both triggered around the water.  They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water.  Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.

 I am loving this.  Getting away and loving on my family.  That is the only thing I have to do on vacation.  As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I  had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks.  For me, this is perfect.  I love this family God has given me.\

In other news the termination trial is over.  Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling.  I am told we won't hear until around the first of July.  What is with all of this waiting!?  The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective.  She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no."  She says that's a really good sign.  Okay, well I can't think about that stuff.  It upsets me...

Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!

What I Should be Doing

Right now I should be folding laundry

I should start packing for vacation,

I should be doing Liv's hair for Family Showcase tonight,


and I should be paying the bills and balancing the checkbook.

I should be doing a lot of stuff right now, but I'm not because I'm procratinating and its sort of wonderful.


I really can't afford to be lazy with so many needing so much from me, but I could literally fill an entire day doing all the things I should be doing.  If I have learned anything in all this time doing foster care I have learned to steal my downtime from the list of "shoulds" and revel in it.




Just in case you'd like to know, Family Showcase is our homeschool groups end of the year gathering.  Our kids create projects or perform a talent for the group "showcasing" some skill they have been working on that year.

Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Subpoenaed... Again

I received my subpoena for the second half of the termination trial.  I am supposed to call the attorney and go over it all with her.  I got the subpoena last Friday afternoon and I still haven't called.  I keep hoping the caseworker will call and say bio-mom voluntarily relinqushed. 


Is it obvious how much I really cringe about testifying? I had to psych myself up the first time around.  Here I go again.  I will call the attorney today.    I just want this part to be over already.

Speaking of things I have been putting off... I have Chi scheduled for an evaluation.  They are going to to do some general Occupational therapy testing and just see if he presents with any classic sensory processing disorder things.  I don't know if he has this or not.  I go back and forth.

His play therapist calls his issues, "Disruptive Behavior Disorder."  She says its not Oppostional Defiant or something like that because he has to show the behaviors across a range of places.  He is definitely oppositional and many times defiant, but then again aren't all 2 year olds?!

Seriously, though he must have the worst case of terrible twos I have ever dealt with.  I used to do a daycare for 7 boys.  Every foster placement we have ever had has been young boy sibling groups, and of course there is Cy, whom I have parented for 9+ years.   Chi takes the cake with defiance, but there is so much obvious anxiety to it.  Last week he decided he was newly terrified of bugs, as in, they didn't used to faze him in the least.  It used to be snakes and how a one year old gets a fear of snakes I will probably never know.  Yesterday he had what I will call panic attacks all day because there might be bugs.  It was a hard day for all of us.

He is doing better today.  Thank goodness.  The thing Chi needs more than anything is prayer.  He wants so much to be happy and do well, but  some kind of switch flips.  Poor Baby.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I have been really working with Chi lately.   I am doing well myself and I can focus on his moments without feeling only like I just want to escape. 

We talk a lot about inside voices.  In all reality I think he has some problems regulating volume.  The loudness of his voice at times can be incredibly random.  He just yells about the most mundane things.  He's not mad, but his voice is at scream level.  Now, if I don't respond he will start to get angry.  So, over and over and over we talk about an inside voice.  I think he is improving a bit.  Often times I say, "Change your voice," and he gets it.

He either feels pain more than the other kids or he over does his show of pain.  My 2 year old gets a lot of boo boos so I get to deal with a lot of screaming about that.  If I respond in a firm kind of matter of fact way, he snaps out of it faster, if I hold him and comfort him he screams in my ear for 5 minutes.  I try to give him a little of both.

He also struggles with flailing or aggressive stances and actions.   He will raise his fists and then punch, or ball them up and then throw himself down, or he may bang something really hard.  He will suddenly and without provacation throw something really hard. If the item is stick like at all then without warning he will beat on people and things.  I know that boys do these things, but I have 4 of them, and Chi's behaviors are outside the norm as far as frequency goes.   I have been on him like white on rice to try and catch the moment before the outburst.  I see his face scrunch up in anger and I say firm, somewhat loud, and low, "Chi, change your face."  When he makes a fist I may say, "Open your hands, Chi."  When he raises a toy, his arm, or something to hit I say, 'Chi!  Put your arm DOWN."  

It really is working.  He stops the pre-action behavior and then we avoid problems.  At that point we can talk about whatever is going on, but nothing gets through if he has made it to a full on outburst.

Chi just needs so much supervision.  I often wonder if there is something more neurological going on with him.  He needs far more than the others to stay regulated.  It can be overwhelming with so many of them needing attention, but for now it is working out alright.  A couple times I have watched him talk himself back from a line he shouldn't cross.  That is the goal I have in mind so there may be light at the end of the tunnel for my sweet boy.

Mostly Cloudy

Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently.  Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.

Today we met with our adoption attorney.  I like him a lot.  We signed up to start the petition to adopt process.  He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving.  That would be amazing.

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Wow, were things going downhill here.  Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping?  I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference.  Last week and early this week it was all back.  The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted.  I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many.  Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen.  You can't get away with much when you homeschool.  Little eyes see everything.  Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?" 

Yes, I call them happy pills.   I sort of had a "duh" moment.  When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work.  So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day.  Today, I am feeling a ton better.  I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days.  The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.

To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low.  I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better.  I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy.  I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better.  I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk.  I had more freedom to focus on me.

Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job.  If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child.  Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place.  When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind.  Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.

I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house.  I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.

I had to write all of that for myself.  This is a lot like my therapy.  And now I want to say this to me...  It's okay to need a break.  It's okay to have to take something to feel better.  Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it.  Just get through it.  Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it. 

   

Baby Swallowed a Penny and...

Well to be honest we aren't sure yet about the second thing.  We are anxiously awaiting an appearance.  Zee seems okay, but I gave him back his pacifier for daytime enjoyment.  I had taken it away except for bedtime.  I had to do something to slow down the rate of stuff going into his mouth. 

While playing outside he tried to eat rocks!!!  Rocks people, ROCKS!  You'd think we never feed this kid!


This right here is why God gives kids their own angels. 

Bad Foster Mom!  Bad, Bad, Bad!