Malachi

I know that I used to post a lot about my struggles with Chi.  He is in such a better place now.  He still struggles.  He still needs zero wiggle room when it comes to boundaries and rules, but he is doing so well.

I could rehash 30 issues we have dealt with this week, but that is not the story of his life now.  His story now revolves around his emerging ability to safely connect with the world around him.

Chi can say, "I love you," and now he means it.  He is not mimicking he is communicating.  Chi can meet my eyes now and we can share a moment.  The connected moment can still send him for a loop, but his loops are smaller now.  Chi can smile softly now and not every smile is a tight, near grimace spread across his face.

Chi can play appropriately for a period of time without constant correction and redirection.  Chi can participate in some group activities now. 

I cannot compare him to other kids his age, but my sweet Chi is making progress and we are headed in the right direction.

Heavenly Peace

The holidays are upon us and life here is good.  I am amazed at how I am actually able to disconnect when the need arises and all of my family keeps on track.  I am getting time once again for little pet projects.  We are dreaming of a kitchen remodel.

This may not seem extraordinary to some, but 1 year ago I could not have imagined that life would begin to feel so... normal!  Before there was some laughter and some joy amid dark and scary times.  Now the laughter and joy have returned to a place of being an integral part of our family identity.

How long did it take to get here?  For me it took 2 and a half years to reach this place.  This family fought hard to get here and it was more than worth it. Can I just say, I love us?!

My babe's have their struggles.  I have one who may even be slightly autistic, but he is who he is, and he is at peace now more than ever before.  Proverbs 22:6 says,  "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."  I have finally come to a place where I believe this to be true for ALL children, trauma babies, and special needs kids, rowdy children, and shy ones.  I do my part to teach, train, and correct, and I trust God to do the healing.  I trust God's promise for their "ever - afters."  The trade off? The more I decide to let go and trust the more peace I get.

Maybe someone is reading this and you are scared because it all feels dark and hard and ugly right now.  The good parts seem fake and only the darkness seems real.  Can I just encourage you?  Hang on my sister!  Hang on my brother!  Just hang on and believe that God is who he says he is and he has good plans for you and ALL of your family.  Redemption is and was, ugly and bloody and painful, but there is so much beauty to come.  Don't lose hope. Don't try to cut and run.  I know how you feel.   I know you feel you are being swallowed up and forever extinguished, but when you emerge from this fire it will be better than it ever was.  You will be better than you ever were.  There is so much joy ahead of you.    I am praying for you!  

May you and your family have peace and joy this Holiday season!

My Crew

The gorgeous children you see in this photo are all the children I care for now.  We have my five, Cyrus, 10, Olivia, 8, Obadiah, 5, Malachi, 4, and Zebedee, 2.  Added to that number are my sister Deb's children Dante, 14, Alana, 12 Nadia, 11, and Jasmyn, 8.

Yes, I got her permission to blog about her family first.  :)

Remember we found this house with the large guest home?  I moved my sister in.  Her life had gone from bad to "how does she get up everyday!?" In a span of about 3 years.   My husband and I felt called to share our blessing with her.  We decided to hire her to help us so we could in turn help her.  This whole process began last March. 

I could have done an entirely different blog on that adjustment!  It was hard for her and it was hard for us to blend two chaotic families. In some ways we both felt like foster parents stretching our "normal" to accomodate the needs of many more people. 

God has been so present in all of it and he has brought our families more peace together than we could ever have had alone, but, I am not going to lie, there were some rough moments.

I am the teacher of 7 now.  THAT was an adjustment!  Our life is pretty cool and loud and sometimes hard, but I am so grateful to be sharing it with my sister and her children. 

But... Our newest reality is that I can't really afford to pay for help.  It has begun to be too much of a strain our finances.  My sister is looking for work and I am looking at stepping up more for this crew that I love so much.  I know God put us together and I know we will all continue together somehow. 

God just keeps growing my family and I am honored to have more to love.

11 Years of Preparation.

May of 2003.  Diagnosis Infertility.  The idea of adoption is born.

Feb 2004 my first son is born.

June 2005 I know we are supposed to have another child. I tell Ryan to choose adoption or more infertility treatments.  I am truly  okay with either choice.

May 2006.  My baby girl is born.  One for each hand.  I am content.

February 2007 adoption and foster care is celebrated at our church.  We decide to become foster parents.

June 2008.  We move out of state.  Fostering is set aside.

January of 2010  I woke up from the first of 3 vivid dreams about having more babies.  These dreams plant a new seed of a dream.

April 2010.  We start the process for international adoption.  This plan falls through.

September 2011 we become licensed foster parents.

January 2012 our three little boys join our family as foster children.

May 2014.  Obadiah, Malachi, and Zebedee become our forever babies.

I am amazed as I look back at the journey that has brought us to this point.  There were times the dream seemed so far away and impossible but here we are.

Matthew 19:26 (New International Version)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

House Shopping

We ended up house shopping again this weekend.  We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond.  We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again.  At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals.  The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.   

When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them,  they were cooped up all day.

 Yes, we brought the babies along.  The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back.  She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back.   And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people.  It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week. 

 Anyway, back to my house hunting.  We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes.  Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going.  My anxiety was off the charts in that house.

Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well.  Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining.   We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.

The last house was empty.  I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they.  They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate.   That house can handle my boys.  They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths.  They had some energy to burn.

We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow,  but they have till mid-week to respond.  This house felt like home.  I am praying it will be. 

No House

I am trying not to get overwhelmed,  but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me.  Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones.  We are talking about moving into something smaller.  When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.

My kids are so rowdy.   4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to.  I can't imagine having to protect the furniture,  walls, and windows even more than I already do.  This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot  of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.

I have a prayer request.  We found one house that would hold all of us easily.  We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale.  Everyone says short sales usually take forever.  I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need.  We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.

I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American.  Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

All The Time

I have been in the Word and on my knees and pulling together with friends to pray.  I am going to get the victory here.  I don't mean that I am going to win the battle of my will versus theirs.  I mean I am going to win my own personal battle against my own stubborn selfishness.  I am not going to do this roller coaster for the next decade.

God is so faithful to meet me where I am, but I am tired of cresting and falling. 

Here is what I know.  God works all things for the good.  I know that I was called to this life.  I know God has promised to never leave or forsake me.  Job did not let go of what he knew of God even in his darkest hours, so I think I can hang on to the promises of God even during the four hundred and seventeenth test of wills for the day.  GOD IS GOOD.  ALL THE TIME.

I hope whoever reads this realizes this blog is not about a perfect Christian Mommy. I am one who needs forgiveness for failures everyday.  It is why I need what Jesus did on the cross.  He took the payment for my sins and failures even though I did not deserve it. I hope you see this blog is about an imperfect Christian Momma who fails and fails and fails, but ALWAYS gets back up again.  My eyes are always on my Saviour.  I can't stay in the muck.  He has called me to higher places. 

Chasing the Carrot

I get this idea that I need to step it up and improve my parenting skills.  The accusing voice immediately comes up with 10 things I should be doing.  I lunge for that carrot.  I run and run and run and fail.  Usually this fail is great big compared to all the things I am trying to "fix."

I question God.  I believe the voice that says, "YOU are your children's biggest problem."  I start to feel hopeless and pointless and angry and sad.  I begin to despair.

The next part is my favorite part.  A messenger comes.  They remind me not to listen to the accuser.  They remind me that God does the work in them and in me.  It is not by our works that we are saved.

God sent the messenger sooner in this cycle.  I mean literally in day 1.  I am so grateful for all that I am NOT going to go through this time around.

I am learning something...  The carrot is a lie.  I am never going to look like the image of mothering perfection I hold in my mind.  My children won't ever measure up to any kind of perfection either.

We all need to do ourselves a favor and ignore the carrot.  That race is rigged and I will only hurt myself and my family trying to measure up to my vain imaginings.  My race is my own and the my instructions are to keep moving and keep my eyes on Him.

Amazing Grace

I prepared the feast and we all sat down.  It was just the seven of us and as I looked at all the precious faces around my table I was grateful.  There eyes were all full of peace and joy.  There has been so much struggle and growth.  There were times I thought there would NEVER be days like these. It can only be the amazing grace of my heavenly Father that has brought this day to pass.

We finished our dinner and sat down for Cy's newest idea for a game Deer, Deer, Turkey (Think duck, duck, goose).  We all played.  We all laughed.  How did this happen?  How does God put these broken people together and make us whole families?  We are imperfect and we are beautiful.  Thank you God for this masterpiece.

A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.

Weary

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.




This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say.  If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up.  I am not a wimp.  I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.  

In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back.  We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no.""  We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks.  Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.  

When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy.  We weren't looking for easy.  Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story.  We know its going to be hard and take a long time.  We know we aren't wimps.  We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough.  We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons.  We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting.  Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation  is beyond tiring.

This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit.  Except... There is NO QUITTING.  These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them.  These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.

Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is?  There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going.  I can't see redemption.  I can't see the harvest to come.  Its too hard right now.  I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going.  I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9.  I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit.  I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming. 

 Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.

Waiting For A Breeze

 I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family.  I believe I have mentioned that here before.  I have done nothing toward that "goal."  I don't even feel right calling it that.  It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered.   For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away.  There was no way I could do more.  Life is far from easy already.  There is no way Ryan could do more.  The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.

Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger.  Are you willing?  I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able.  Of course  HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.


A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again.  I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me.  I thought of my home.  I thought "I have room for one more."  How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?

I only prayed.  I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW.  I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching.  I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan.  One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk.  I STILL didn't bring it up.  I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation. 

Then I saw his eyes get droopy.  I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me.  I knew exactly what would wake him up.  "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?"  Yep, that got his attention all right.  The shocker was for me though.  He was completely on board. 

At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake."  My jaw kind of dropped.   I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago.  Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids.  It seems as though God has been preparing us both.

So where do we go from here?  Well, I am not sure.  We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now.  We are very focused on completing this first adoption process.  I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze.  We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now.  I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now,  we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Just a Sinner

Liv woke  me up very early this morning.  She had dreams about bugs biting her and giving her bumps.  I pulled her in close.  She is snoozing peacefully in my spot on the bed.  I never got back to sleep.

I am wondering if termination will be voluntary.  I have been praying a lot.

Ryan may be making some very big job changes.  He has meetings today.  I am fighting fear on that front.  This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him. 

I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers. 

I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing.  I don't like to do it.  I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point?   I'll just mess up again.  God knows I'm sorry."  I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up.  Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin.  I just get so scared when I repent.  I think it can't be that easy.  I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.

Repenting.  Its such a little thing.  Why is it so hard?  I'm just telling God I am sorry.  I am asking him to forgive me.  I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes.  I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of.  I was a thorough little girl.  Smile.  I'm out of practice. 

I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt.  I did cry, but then, I am a crier.   I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God.    I am going to make repenting a practice again.  I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God. 

Signing Away?

Our caseworker is going to try and have a meeting with bio-mom tomorrow and get her to voluntarily sign termination papers.  I told her I don't have my hopes up because our last caseworker told me that bio-mom would NEVER sign those papers.

This caseworker said, "I think we have a good chance she will."


Oooooooooooh!  I hope, I hope, I hope!  Oh yeah, and I PRAY a lot more.   Because you see, if this happened adoption can happen so much sooner. 

I don't know where to put my hopes, up or down?  I guess my hope is in the Lord.  He alone knows what is best, but I would LOVE to have this be a done deal. 

I got subpoenaed today.   I really don't want to testify.  I hate the idea that those signing on to love her kids for ever would have to be so instrumental in her losing them.  I will if I have to, but I prefer not testifying.

It's Real

I know that much.  I picked up my Chi and we danced around the kitchen.  Out of nowhere the tears came.  I love him soooo much.  I love them all and I am so grateful to God that they are in my life.  I can't believe these precious gifts are in my home.  I am so unworthy and yet I feel God's amazing blessing in all of this.  For just a moment I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Chi.

Chi is Tot if you recall.  He is so stubborn.  He wants to fight.  He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult.  Still, my love for him is fierce.  I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm.  He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.

I love him as much as I love my first kids!  I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage.  I made it and I am so grateful to God for that. 

It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children.  I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again.  This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process.  I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.  

Life goes on right?  Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day.  He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly.  "You being soft Mom?  You wike me Mom?"

"Yes, baby I like you."

Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!!  I mad!  You bad Mom! ... ....  You mad Mom?  You not mad Mom?  You wike Me?"

Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight.  Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy.  Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.