Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Waiting For A Breeze

 I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family.  I believe I have mentioned that here before.  I have done nothing toward that "goal."  I don't even feel right calling it that.  It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered.   For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away.  There was no way I could do more.  Life is far from easy already.  There is no way Ryan could do more.  The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.

Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger.  Are you willing?  I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able.  Of course  HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.


A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again.  I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me.  I thought of my home.  I thought "I have room for one more."  How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?

I only prayed.  I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW.  I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching.  I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan.  One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk.  I STILL didn't bring it up.  I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation. 

Then I saw his eyes get droopy.  I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me.  I knew exactly what would wake him up.  "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?"  Yep, that got his attention all right.  The shocker was for me though.  He was completely on board. 

At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake."  My jaw kind of dropped.   I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago.  Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids.  It seems as though God has been preparing us both.

So where do we go from here?  Well, I am not sure.  We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now.  We are very focused on completing this first adoption process.  I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze.  We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now.  I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now,  we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Cy's Dream

Cy had a dream when he first learned to ride a bike.  He remembered it tonight as we had our nightly chat at bedtime. 

" Mom do you remember the dream I had when I rode a bicycle?  I rode my bike up to heaven and God was there.  There were all these people who were good at different things.  They were in God's army.  Then I saw the devil and he had a big army too.  They were coming after us. 

God made a really big ramps and I rode my bike up on them and jumped off and banged it into the devil's teeth.  Then God took the devil down and the army crowded around helping.  God and the devil were like 50 feet tall!  The rest of us were normal though.  They were really huge ramps."

Me - "What made you remember that dream Cy?"

"Well, we were talking about what our purpose is and I remembered that dream.  Do you think it was from God?"

Me- "Cy I think there is a good chance that dream was from God.  Because it doesn't matter what you are good at, even if it's riding a bike, if you are willing to use that for God than he can use you in his army."

"Is God using me right now?" 

"Yes, everytime you love on your little brothers and you pray for them God is using you.  I see the way Tyke lights up and looks so confident when you show him good attention.  God is using you right now to help Tyke see that he is special, that he can do things.  You don't have to wait for God to give you your purpose someday.  God is using you for a purpose right now."

I was rewarded with a big smile.  "That's cool Mom, that God is using me for my brothers RIGHT now."

Then a Conviction Bulldozer arrived on the scene.  Tot, my precious, challenging, nerve-wracking boy, he is my calling RIGHT now.  God is using me for Tot right now and too often I feel like running from my role instead of embracing it.  If I am willing to do what I can do God can use me in his army right now.  He can use me for Tot.  He IS using me for Tot.  God needs me to love him and build him up, to train him and mold him so that he will understand that he is precious, specifically made by God to do good, and to help him understand that he is filled with inherent worth because he is created in God's image.  I want to help him understand that he was created by God, for God, because God has a plan for him.   

Thank you God for Cy and our little talks. 

Tyke's Bad Dream

Tyke had a bad dream last night.  I came to comfort him and he looked sadly at me with sleepy eyes.  "S_______ (bio-mom) came an taked me away.  She was squishing me like dis."  He clenches his little hands repeatedly.  He looked up at me with sad eyes, "She tear me all up."

I offered the cheap comfort I could.  "You're safe baby.  I'm here.  Your safe."  He prayed AGAIN, "God don't let S_______ take me away.  I don't want anymore bisits."

I know God heard him.  I pray his prayers are answered. 

No one at DC$ cares about his nightmares, and his fears, and his trauma.  If they did this tragedy would not continue.  God cares, and I know that's true.  So I pray it isn't part of his plan to continue with visitation for these boys. 

Tyke needs to know that his place with us is forever.  I look forward to the day when that can  be part of his healing.

Fantasizing

I was working in my kitchen and I realized my socks were getting wet.  That was really frustrating since we just replaced our dishwasher.  I got a rag to handle the clean up and realized there were strings of water all over the kitchen. Understanding dawned... Baby "Slobber-Bucket" strikes again.  Someone is always making work for me so I won't have to worry if I am needed.

I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?!   I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view.  People have some very strange fantasies.  I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms.  Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces.  Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!

Dreams, Mother-in-Laws, and Ignorance

I feel like I haven't rested.  For the last 2 nights I have had dreams where I am trying to get things done and I just can't.   In one dream I remember feeling a sense of satisfaction that I actually completed one of my tasks.  My own face appeared in the corner of my dream and said roughly, "Yes, but what are you going to do about your complete inability to maintain your home."  That wasn't very nice of me to say.  I think my subconscious needs to give me a break.

I have been trying to keep lists lately.  I decided I will not go out and get a job, so I make a list of all I need to get done everyday. I am treating my family and home as my job and trying to get serious about doing it the best I can.  I will admit once I begin the list it becomes very important to me to check it all off.  I have been feeling frustrated.  I actually get everything done on my list and look around at the end of the day and I have more jobs left to do because 5 children cause so much disarray.  I knew I was irritated about it, but I think it is really silly for me to be irritated at me.

I spoke with my MIL this weekend.  I really love her and we have a good relationship, but she informed me that she thought it would be best that we only adopt one of these boys.  It felt like a punch in the heart.  Which one?  She has the personality where she worries that things will go wrong.  She is glass half-empty and I am glass half-full.  I told her that at this point in the process we have absolutely no say about whether they will go home or if they will become adoptable.  I also told her that the caseworker would not want to split the boys up.  I don't want to split them up!  I didn't say that part.  I should have.  I am one of those people that has my greatest comebacks about 3 hours after the incident.  I did not say much, but I felt hurt even if she did not mean to hurt me.

They aren't puppies for crying out loud!  They have a dynamic with us and with each other.  It has been a part of their healing.   Once again I am back to this place.  I don't know what the Lord has in mind for these boys.  I know what I think he will do, but I do not know for sure.  I cannot be any part in causing anymore ripping and loss in these boys lives and hearts.  God, knows this about me.  I pray he will do his will in the boys' lives and I will go along with whatever he chooses whether it means joy or pain.

The quiet whisper in the back of my heart is maybe she just doesn't want to explain her differently colored grandchildren.  She has always been sweet and supportive to them, and I imagine she always will be, but the area they live in is not diverse at all.  We had talked about possibly moving back that direction someday, but diversity will be a huge consideration for me.  I need a place where all of my children will feel a sense of belonging.  Right now we are in that place.  I am digging in my heels until this process completes itself one way or the other.

I talked all of this over with Ryan and he and I are of the same mind.  To the best of our ability we will not cause further loss to the boys.  We hope and pray that all family members will be accepting (so far they have shown that), but if any family member becomes a anchor on our children's ability to thrive they will be cut out. Seems harsh when I type it out that way, but it is the truth.  Ryan and I don't take this stuff lightly.

Speaking of taking things lightly... A woman at the soccer field was very curious about my boys and asking uncomfortably nosy questions.  I tried to answer very quickly and simply and end the conversation, but throughout the game she kept initiating conversation again.  She asked me about my daughter's nickname after she heard me cheer for her that way.  I smiled and said, Liv has the most names of anyone in the house.  She replied, "Oh my boy does too!  I can't say em' here though.  He's half black so we call 'im n__ and n___jagger."  I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open.  She calls her son the "n" word and allows others to do it as a NICKNAME?!  I guess I was supposed to take that lightly?

Some people are so ignorant and they shine it like a badge for all the world to see.  I am going to try and spot her before games from now on and sit on the opposite half of the field.  As I said earlier, I just don't have comebacks for people.  I don't think that quickly when I am reeling.  I feel so sorry for her boy...

"I'm Monna Fwy a Pwang!"

Tyke informed me he is going to fly a plane when he is "big like Daddy." 

At some point he started thinking about things he will do when he is big.  I love him so much. 

I am so blessed because I am the Momma that got to celebrate these milestones with Tyke...

Letting me leave the room.

Trusting me for food.

Losing his fear of bedtime.

Playing on his own without me.

Showing spontaneous kindness to his brothers.

Having a dream for his future.

I pulled him on my lap today as he was talking about being a "Pi-yot"  (the first time he said it I told him that he was talking about being a pilot and the boy has an amazing memory).  I just marvel at all the potential that exists in this tiny boy.

I thought about where he was headed the day before he came to me.  I am amazed that this is the same boy.  I know the future is uncertain, but I was feeling selfish.  I whispered a prayer, "God let me help him become a pilot someday."

Geese in September

Before the geese part... Yesterday a chicken flew the coop.  A dog chased the chicken.  A boy chased the dog and then the chicken.  Mommy came out and with the help of a stalking kitty we rescued the chicken from itself.

Seriously, my life is so stinking fun.  I mean yes, Cy was crying, and it made us run late, and the chicken was in thorn bushes, and my 5 year old was trying to "help," but how do you do anything but laugh?

Yet, in the midst of chicken mania and full calendars I can't wait to add some more craziness.

Now I am changing the subject.  This is not allowed in writing, but this is my blog and unfortunately my brain...

A couple nights ago as I went to bed I prayed "God please, when will we adopt, how many what will they look like?!"  I thought  just maybe, God might just show me.

At some point in the night I had this very vivid dream.  My husband is holding Cy and Liv's hands.  I am pushing a stroller with a baby in it and holding on to Baxter's leash, while 3 speckled geese run around our feet as we stroll along a beach in Florida.  I tell Ryan we should leash our geese or we will lose them so he puts them on leashes.  We discuss vacationing in Florida in September and Ryan buys tickets for our vacation from a street vendor.  As we continue through the market and things get crowded the dog and the geese are all circling around my legs.  I say "This is getting crazy!" 

It was just so funny!  I woke up thinking, Okay God so we are adopting Geese in September???  My brain is so WEIRD!