Sibling Issues

I cannot even believe how much time I have spent solving sibling squabbles.   It can consume an entire day. 

I learned of Dr. Kevin Leman author of  Have A New Kid by Friday.  I saw his advice on sibling arguing on Focus on the Family's website.  In a nutshell it was to stay out of it.  That has been a huge relief for me already.  I am constantly getting pulled into the dumbest arguments.  Too many times I have applied time outs to an obvious offense only to find out later that an older smarter sibling was manipulating a younger child to a point of exploding in anger.  Oh, but the older ones can play it so innocent.  "He just hit me Mom,  for NO reason!" 

Siblings will compete if there is anyone who can declare a winner.  I am not going to do it for them.  I have kids come to report all kinds of offenses and everytime I an relieved when I remember the kindest thing I can do is stay out of the battle.

Waiting for Bureaucrats

Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return.  I can't see what they are doing.  I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed...  My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order.  Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us.  Everyone else can take their sweet time.

After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things.  We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us.  Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster.  I want the official forever stamp.

I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday.  I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most.  He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement.  Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.

Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Therapy or Not

Cy says prayers with me every night.  Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers.  Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."

I hope he's right.  He's been praying it every single night for months now.  Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February. 

Will this thing ever get done?


And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.

I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy.  There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me.  It seems counterproductive.  It's not like we don't talk about big feelings. 

Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me.  We talked for a long time, but then he was fine.  I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too.  On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad.  He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day. 

One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them.  I am learning to respect their version of their story.  I don't want to give them my views or their siblings.  There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.

I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot.  It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff.  Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit.  It might even be helping.  I can't decide what to do.

Mostly Cloudy

Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently.  Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.

Today we met with our adoption attorney.  I like him a lot.  We signed up to start the petition to adopt process.  He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving.  That would be amazing.

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Wow, were things going downhill here.  Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping?  I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference.  Last week and early this week it was all back.  The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted.  I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many.  Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen.  You can't get away with much when you homeschool.  Little eyes see everything.  Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?" 

Yes, I call them happy pills.   I sort of had a "duh" moment.  When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work.  So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day.  Today, I am feeling a ton better.  I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days.  The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.

To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low.  I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better.  I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy.  I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better.  I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk.  I had more freedom to focus on me.

Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job.  If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child.  Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place.  When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind.  Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.

I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house.  I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.

I had to write all of that for myself.  This is a lot like my therapy.  And now I want to say this to me...  It's okay to need a break.  It's okay to have to take something to feel better.  Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it.  Just get through it.  Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it. 

   

Homeschool and Life

Having all the kids at home is nice.  Games like "Copy Baby" start up spontaneously.  I personally get to see my babes wonderful faces all day.  I love how they are one another's best friends.  They fight and argue, but they also know how to be together.  They spend all day together and it can't help but fuse our family.  There is no ignoring the littlest ones.  I am grateful that we have had this opportunity as a family and I don't take it lightly.  I may grumble about every nap time meaning a filled up table of homeschool work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, the table is a mess, and yes, I didn't get a break during naptime, but this is how we do it!

One of those "Copy Baby" games starting up.  This one didn't last long.  Baby distracts quickly.

You Know What I Won't Miss!?

If and when we finally get these babes adopted I won't miss the boo boo reports. 

Here is how a three year old thinks.  'A tub full of toys just sitting here doing nothing?  I can do something about that!  I will pick it up and I will fling the toys everywhere. Weird... My brother's screaming.  "Tot, Waz wong Tot!?  I hurt you?  Sorry 'bout dat!"  Now... where was I?


Meanwhile, I am dealing with the shiner and the report and all the concerns.  Tyke is corrected for flinging toys.  No major deal in his world.  He gets corrected all the time.  Big hairy report for me.

When to Fight

Cy got in a fight yesterday.  We have been telling him since he was 2, "What's your job Cyrus?"  He was taught to reply, "To keep Livvy safe."  His Dad wanted him to carry a sense of responsibility toward his younger siblings.  Well, when the boys came it became, "What's your job Cyrus?"  His reply, "To keep my brothers and sister safe." 

The few times I have seen Cyrus get physical with anyone have usually revolved around the fact that a sibling was threatened.  One time I glanced out our kitchen window to check on the kids in our fenced in backyard.  A neighbor boy Cy's age (5 at the time) actually had wrapped his arms around Liv and was going to carry her out of the yard.  I wasn't sure what was happening but I saw Liv fussing and trying to get away and then I heard Cy say, "Put MY SISTER down!"  The boy laughed and would not let my screaming Livvy go.  That was enough for me I was making a beeline for the door when I saw Cy go up and hit the boy in the face.  He dropped Liv and went running for home.  I didn't know what to think.  I mean we don't hit right?!

Well, when my husband got home I told him what happened, he clapped Cy on the shoulders and said he was proud of him for standing up for the weaker person and for protecting his sister.  He warned him that sometimes there might be consequences, but some things are worth standing up for no matter the cost.

Thankfully we now live in an isolated area out in the country.  Sometimes I let Tyke run around with Cy in the yard, while Ryan is in the barn.  Tyke loves hanging out with his "big brother" and it makes life easier for everyone when the boys get lots of exercise.  Last night was one of those nights, but it also happened to coincide with the weekend the nearest neighbor's children were visiting for their every other weekend visit with their Dad.  They are usually good kids and often find their way over here. 

I thought it was strange that Tyke came in without Cy after a short while.  Tyke told me Cy said it was time for him to come inside.  In just a few more minutes Cy came inside and laid down on the couch and he was quietly crying.  I asked what was wrong and he said he did not want to talk about it.  I encouraged him to talk about it anyway once Tyke started jabbering about hitting.

Cy's Story.  "You know how I'm supposed to keep my family safe right?  Well, Rex (Neighbor's kid 2 years older than Cy) was playing rough with Tyke and he made him cry like 10 times!  I told him how you don't like us wrestling and not to hurt Tyke.  Rex jumped and kicked me right in the stomach!"  I thought he was done, but he was only getting started.  "Well, I used my karate and I pinned him to the ground so he couldn't roll away and I said, 'MOM doesn't let us play like that!' As soon as I let up a little he hit me in the face and he was kicking me."  It was then I noticed the swollen area next to Cy's right eye.  Remain calm Momma I told myself.    Well, he was beating me so bad, and I am sorry, but I just couldn't walk away!  He was acting like he was going to hurt Tyke and telling Tyke to hit me so I told Tyke to go inside.  He started going after Tyke then I just decided that I was going to stay in it!"  Sobs were shaking his body as he sounded so disappointed. 

At this point I was in shock.  The neighbor boys, on the weekends we see them are usually quiet and sweet, even helpful. "He hurt you? Honey, you should have come and got me."  "NO, MOM!  He didn't hurt me!  Well, a little bit, but I hurt him!  I punched him and kicked him till he fell down and I pinned him on the ground and held him there."  In my mind I saw the punches and kicks he had practiced till they were flawless in the DoJo.  He really loved the discipline of Karate.  Cy continued, "Then I jumped away really quick and I told him to get off my property since he couldn't follow the rules, and he ran away." 

Judge me if you like, but I had to hide a smile.  Seriously?  My (small for his age) 8 year old son took on a child 2 years older and a couple heads taller, to protect his brother and stand up for the rules.  Go boy!  Cy kept looking at Tyke during his speech, "You ok bubby?  You ok?"  Tyke seemed entirely unaffected by the whole thing, but just kept going and patting Cy on the arm. My thoughts are that of the 2 of them Tyke has probably witnessed more violence, so a young boys' fight would not seem like a huge deal to him.

I tried really hard to see it from Cy's point of view.  "Are you crying because you beat him up?"  No.  " Are you crying because he beat you up? "  NO!

"Mom, I didn't win!  He didn't win either!  It wasn't a tie!"  I was getting confused at this point until my precious son unfolded more of his heart.  "Mom, I hit and kicked my friend! "  I finally got where all the grief was coming from. 

Cy has been in Karate.  He has been taught that the best fights are the ones that never happen.  He has been taught that you cannot win a fight.  You can protect someone, but there is no such thing as winning a fight, because once it is reduced to fighting there is no winner.  Here in the heat of the battle (literally) Cy completely understood that message.  Not with a head knowledge, but with a heart knowledge.  I have to say that I have often questioned whether or not I wanted Cy in Karate and he is no longer in it, but at this moment I was really glad he had been taught that message.

I thanked Cy for protecting Tyke by sending him in and I hugged him and asked him if he would like to go over and talk to his friend (I was still struggling at this point because all of Cy's red marks were beginning to show up well at this point).  I took Cy over and Rex confirmed Cy's version of events.  The adults decided to talk separately while I watched the 2 friends put their heads together.  I found out later that they both said sorry.  Cy told him he was NEVER to wrestle and play rough in our yard again or he would not be allowed over and to Rex's credit he promised never to do it again either. 

We banned further visitation for this weekend as a consequence to the rule breaking and that was the end of it for now.  At least this way I know my own children can play on our property without threat of violence!  This is why we moved out of town.  Geesh!

I let Ryan handle the manly aspect of it and he said just as I expected him to, "Cy, you did the right thing.  You can't let someone bully your family, you can't let someone bully you."  Cy cried.  "He's my friend Dad! I hurt him."  "You did not want to Cy.  You tried to stay out of the fight right?"  His blonde head bobbed up and down sadly.  "Then I am proud of you."  As I tucked Cy in last night we prayed for Rex, he must have been in a funk to start a fight that way.

It has been our family goal since before our first child was born to teach our children that there is indeed a time to fight.  Although you don't start a fight, you don't walk away when the rights of the helpless are being trampled and when their well-being is in the balance.  You step into the fray and you be counted.  We always said we would teach our sons to be men who would stand for what was right no matter if they stood alone.  It started with us solemnly telling a chubby toddler it was his job to protect his tiny baby sister.  We have continued talking about the bigger message with Cy and Liv.  We have prayed about it with our kids, and to some extent its almost a family motto.  We stand up for what's right, even if it is going to hurt, and even if that means we stand up all alone.

Exceedingly, Abundantly, More

When the boys first arrived I was just a means to an end and they were terrible to one another.  They either fought each other or ignored each other.  I remember pulling Tot off of Tyke's head as he attempted to rake his nails across Tyke's cheeks.  I remember them shoving food in their mouths as quickly as possible and reaching out and stealing their brothers' food as quickly as possible. 

At the time my biggest prayer was that somehow God would help me to keep them all safe.  In the first 2 months of the arrival NO ONE was safe.  God is so cool!  Ephesians 3:20 is at work in my life right now "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us," 

I watched the boys share a single bottle of water outside this past weekend.  They smiled and chatted with one another.  They had no idea I was watching them.  The bottle of water was passed sweetly back and forth, and the conversation they were sharing seemed much more important to them than the bottle of water they were passing. 

The play therapist arrived today to similar sweetness.  Yes, they argued a bit, but they played together and complimented each other and came over for snuggles with me.  I wish I could take the credit, but I can't it's all God doing exceedingly, abundantly, MORE.

This morning they sat side by side and enjoyed some freezer pops together. There was no need or desire for mortal combat, they were just two buddies enjoying some Popsicles.   This is how they do life now.  This is not the exception, this is the rule.  God is so cool!

 

Life with my Sibling Group

I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday, the one who just brought home 3 more children from the Congo, and we agreed that taking on 3 at once has some unique challenges.  We are both nurturing personalities by nature, but we are stymied as to how to do that the way we used to.  Every move we make to give someone that special attention or special treat ends up as a war for attention.  In a way it is a blessing for both of us to be on similar paths right now, it makes me feel normal at least in comparison with her.

Here are some examples of the unique dynamics of bringing on 3 more children....

I used to hand out a treat with a smile and a wink and a conspiratorial whisper.  "Momma loves you baby.  Here's a little treat."  My kids loved to think they were stealing a goody with me.  I can't do that anymore.


When I hand out a sucker I have to hand it out to everyone.  I have to say in a bossy no-nonsense voice, "I am giving you a sucker because I love you and I want to give you a treat, but you WILL NOT throw a fit for more, you WILL say thank you,  and you WILL NOT snatch someone else's treat.  Do you understand?"  When everyone shows me they understand I pass out suckers.  If I smile too much and get too soft-toned there is ALWAYS screaming, yanking, and hitting for more.  Even Baby screams now when he sees others get food, so even he is not easy in this regard.  I am learning I can be a blessing, but I have to put the boundaries out FIRST.

I taught Cy and Liv on the go.  When we went to the store I talked to them about store behavior and rules, and we visited together during shopping as much as we actually shopped.  I did have to correct their unacceptable behavior many times, but I would stop what I was doing and correct them and move on.

Now, I think safety first.  There is no way I can teach on the go with 5 kids in tow.  I do the bossy no-nonsense speech as we arrive.  "We are going in to the store, You boys WILL stay in the cart, and Cy and Liv you WILL stay close.  You WILL NOT scream or ask for anything or you will not get a snack when we are done.  I have to maintain that tone the entire time I am shopping or once again chaos begins.  Toddlers are spilling out of the cart and moving in opposite directions while Cy and Liv are begging for everything they see and telling me how we don't do anything special anymore (By special they mean I haven't bought them anything just because for awhile), Baby babbles and grabs like always, and I am trying to figure out which runner to save first and if Cy is paying attention enough and trustworthy enough to stay with Baby as I chase down toddlers.

When I would sit down to read or write Cy or Liv would crawl up beside me and look at their own book or talk to me about what I was doing.  I would love the spontaneous cuddle and soak up the affection.  It would delay balancing the checkbook somewhat, but it was still doable.

If I sit to read or write or balance a checkbook (hahaha, like I can balance a checkbook with them awake), I use my  bossy voice to say things like,  "NO you may not sit here.  I am busy.  This is not your holding time.  I will hold you soon.  DO NOT throw a fit I will hold you when I am done."  If I allow them to sit with me, as I did yesterday.  A fight for the preferred side of my body starts (Why one side is not equal to the other I will never know).  They snatch my pencils, papers, computer, etc.  They swing at each other and scream and whine over top of me.

I even have to be nonchalant about Boo Boos or suddenly EVERYONE has a Boo Boo and I am not giving them enough attention to make it "all better."

So when do I love on them?  A few times a day, I scoop them up for loving.  I try to grab one when the others are focused on something else.  I try to get in some kisses and snuggles before I am caught by the others and acting out for my attention begins.  I always get in snuggles, and kisses, and prayers, with every child at bedtimes.  Which, incidentally, is my favorite time of day. 

This life of a no-nonsense Momma, is not what I imagined when I began this venture.  I am in still in there somewhere; the spontaneous, silly, mushy Mom, but I feel like I get to be her less and less.  These boys need me to have clear boundaries, and clear expectations.  We can't feel our way through things together.  They need me to have a plan.  Maybe this will change as time passes and maybe it will not.  I am learning, that love doesn't just look like mushy stuff, it doesn't necessarily look like the way I loved Cy and Liv.  Love is giving my children what they need to help them function at their best. This is me I'm talking about so,  I'll fit the mushy stuff in there somewhere.

A Package Deal

Why in the world does it have to be so hard to try and do anything with toddlers! The screaming and fit throwing and hitting and button pushing are just too much.
 I want to be able to experience life with these boys and it seems all I get to do is protect everyone from them, or I protect them from themselves.

I want to take them out and about but everything is going to be a power struggle, intermixed with food anxieties, and acting out little portions of past abuses.

It is difficult to be in this place.  I hear the cries of the forgotten who want a family of their own.  I want to be there and make the big difference, but on many days I know that this job is kicking my butt.

The SELFLESSNESS that is required to do this work does not come gift wrapped when these children walk into our homes.  The soul searching, and prayer, and desperation that come with this lifestyle don't even guarantee the selflessness a parent will need to foster and adopt these children. 

I pray and pray and pray, and I still struggle with an anger I can feel to my fingertips when one of the children abuses another of the children.  I pray for God to help them sleep, I pray for God to help them be kind, I pray for God to help them heal, and I pray over and over and over again for God to change me.  

I feel there is very little support for the reality of parenting multiple troubled children.  Most of us come into this having been through some of our own traumas.  We know what it is to experience pain as a child and it gives us a heart for children.  But I am learning, THAT feeling  is NOT enough.  Having a heart for these children is nothing more than a good place to start.


We take sibling groups into our homes and we are not prepared.  We do not know what to do when they scream ferociously and others need to rest.  We do not know what to do when they are destructive to property and others feel threatened.  We do not know what to do when they are hurting and abusing other family members and others feel insecure.  We do not know how to uphold the well-being of the family unit and still give hurting children our zeroed in focus.  I know what we are not supposed to do.  We are not supposed to yell, or spank, or scare, or send children to their rooms and that's fine, but how do I look after everyone while still giving everything I can to every hurting child in my home? 

I read advice books from people that don't seem to get riled up.  They stay calm and in control.  How do I do that when my daughter's person has just been violated?  How do I do that when Baby has been assaulted for no reason other than that Tot felt like hitting him in the head with a tractor?  My Momma Bear instinct is strong.  Here's the advice I need... How in the heck do you keep from getting riled up when you see a little child get hurt?! 

 I saw a DVD the other day where the therapist shared how she successfully helped a child get over her fit about having another snack when it wasn't snack time.  In this instance she helped her overcome her fear about food  She admitted she spent 15 minutes with that girl on that single issue.  15 MINUTES!!! Seriously, I cannot spend 15 minutes with one screaming child.  The others will start in just because I am giving my attention to a screamer.  In a single 15 minute time span, I handle a shoving match, a food fit, a dangerous style of play, a child attempting to dart outside, and a choking hazard.  I can't sit down and rock someone gently for 15 minutes and chat.  Where is the advice book or dvd for parents like me?!

In the world of foster care sibling groups are normal, advice for the balancing act that comes with having extremely troubled sibling groups is NOT.

She Can't Make It To Visit Today and Tot Troubles

I got a call yesterday that we won't be having visits this week and maybe none for next week either as B.M. is in jail and she will not be able to attend visits.  Tyke does ask for her once in awhile and I think he would say he wants to see her, but he does SO much better when he gets these nice long breaks from her.

I knew the sentencing was going to impact when she made visits, but I was not going to be the one to remind everyone that B.M. would need to reschedule visits if she was going to have them.

It turns out that the visitation agency did call and ask her to reschedule her visit, but she did not.  Visitation supervisor contacted her yesterday and said, "Did you work today?"  B.M's response, "No, I had today off."  Supervisor replies, "Ok, so we are NOT doing a visit this week?"  B.M, "No, I have jail tomorrow."

Visit supervisor tells me she will not call to remind her to reschedule next week, so I probably don't have to worry about a visit.  Cool!

I am so proud of Tyke lately.  He just works so hard to be good.  I know others don't see Tyke the way I do.  The see the way he will kind of freak out and just start going like a crazy person, but I see him differently.  I see the fear and hope all in the same kid.  I see him pushing to see if I will push him away and hoping like crazy that I won't.  I just love that boy so much.  If you had asked me in the beginning he was the one that scared me the most.  His fear made him ferociously strong and I was a bit terrified of him getting older and none of us being safe, and by none I mean the rest of us AND Tyke.

Tot is a lot harder for me.  He is the one that others more easily connect with on a superficial level.  He has these big gorgeous eyes and he is peaceful when you hold him and speak quietly to him. He is also more peaceful with others than Tyke can be. He and Tyke both say and do the funny things that you only get to enjoy from toddlers.  Sadly, he throws gigantic fits when I put him down after holding him. He has no interest in obeying and in fact he thinks its more fun to disobey.  Tot is incredibly aggressive, and he can come across as rebellious, because he is a fighter and he does not have the good sense to know when to quit.  He will push all of your buttons, and then just circles around and push them all some more.  Through it all I am supposed to stay patient and therapeutic so I can help him to recover from his traumatic life, but I don't stay patient and therapeutic.  I get mad at him and then I get mad at me.  I am kind of tired of me.

An example of a fun time with Tot,

My helper put him in the grocery cart and he wanted out.  She would not let him out so he kicked her.  She looked at him firmly and said, "No kicking."  He then screamed, "YOU DO NOT HIT! YOU DO NOT HIT!  YOU DO NOT HIT!"  She looked at me helplessly and I actually had to laugh.  I had been watching the whole interaction so I knew there had been no hitting.  He has done the same thing to me and it terrifies me what people are going to think I am doing to this child.  I know when he first came he heard, "You do not hit," from myself Cy and Liv quite a bit.  I am beginning to think he just thinks, "You do not hit." means that something is not okay, but how do I explain that to the random stranger at WalMart?

I'll figure it out I suppose.  Well, at least I won't have visits making things worse.  I need Dr. Karen Purvis of Parenting the Connected Child  to just move in I think.

A Double Blog Day

*I am sorry.  This blog is not a victory dance.  You are meeting with me in the midst of the battle, the struggle, the pain of growing.  I know this somewhere deep.  I am not a finished work.  I am a work in progress.  I would love to edit out all the parts that may make a reader uncomfortable, or may allow a reader to judge me.  I love reading the blogs the flow from the hearts of beautiful women who love God and their children and they seem to really get it.  I am not there yet.  I am trusting God to get me there.  I just wanted any readers to understand that before they proceed with this post...

I hate the feeling of going backward with my kids.  That idea goes from the 8 year old on down.  I hate the feeling that we have been here and done this and now we are rehashing it as if it was never learned.

With my foster babies it seems we get to go backwards a lot.  I cannot even believe how much Tyke is pushing every button he can possibly push today.  He has stolen food, decided to scream for hours (in lieu of napping of course), puked on himself on purpose twice today.  I know you think I am making the puke thing up, but I am not people.  It turns out if you make gagging noises enough to get attention and shove your finger down your throat if necessary puke will come up.  Both times he did this when he was in time out.  He called calmly to me.  "I'm dirty, I'm dirty, get me up!"  The second time I let the timer run its course and then gave him a shower.

I am just going to have a really honest moment here.  I am tired!  I don't have all these reserves of patience.  I can't do this, I really, really can't!  I wanted to take him over my knee.  I had to stand and just breath through the desire.

There isn't just Tyke in this house and he should not be allowed to run the show.  Baby wants held, and he wants a lot of attention now.  Tot, wants to sit beside me everytime I sit down.  I let him chatter while I get something done and he pats me lightly, then harder and harder until it is  full-on hitting. He wants to touch everything I touch and he wants my full attention.  Liv begs me for Mommy-Daughter time and I am always trying to fit that in too.  Cy gets ignored unless he is helping out.

 At least at night I get to curl up with my oldest boy.  He's growing up so fast and his wise thoughts bless me tremendously, but I digress.

So here I am in "Backwards Land" trying to learn how to be okay with it.  I am trying to learn how to have a functioning home when a couple of the children in it seemed determined that all will not be calm... EVER.  They both have some of the alphabet attached to their profiles now.  A string of letters that says, these boys brains don't work like other kids.  Yet, I still believe it can be okay.  They can be so refreshingly precious and normal and I feel like grieving when it all falls apart again.  

I pray, "Jesus change me."  I pray, "Jesus change them," because if things stay the way they are I can't do this.  I really, really, can't. 

Hat Day

It is looking like the recent accusations are a blip on the screen.  My advocate let me know that he and caseworker are comparing notes preparing for the upcoming court date so they can compliment and reinforce one another's opinions.  I wonder if they are supposed to do this?  They are both on the same page, that is for sure.  I am glad for that.


There has been a fair amount of crazy going on and emotionally I am tired, but I am looking forward to the weekend.  Currently I am enjoying watching the oldest four chase each other around the house playing "motorcycle riders!"  They alll put on hats and somehow that transforms them.  I love the way kids think.  Maybe I will buy myself a hat today.

Removed for Spanking

My caseworker and I were chatting during her visit to my home on Saturday and she let me know that her week had been stressful.  She had to remove children from a foster home because it was discovered the family was spanking the kids.  She started to call it abuse and then stopped herself and just said it was against the rules.

I wonder sometimes if I don't get more angry and frustrated because a thump on the bottom is not allowed.  It seems when crazy breaks loose in this house all 4 older children are in on it.  I can't just swat the bottom of the first child that snatches a toy and runs for dear life.  I have to give this child much more of my time and attention in order to do anything but spank.  Unfortunately there is no removing a triggered child from the situation and knowing the other 3 are fine.  I get so frustrated trying to come up with behavior modification techniques CONSTANTLY and still trying to keep tabs on the others.  It seems like I get one modified only to have to turn around and modify someone else. I end up feeling like all I do on some days is issue threats and follow through on them.  Yes, I praise good behavior and yes, I attempt to redirect, but sometimes those little blessings are just nasty to one another!

As a toddler Cy was easy, he got warnings, timeouts, and occasionally a swat for dangerous or downright rebellious behavior.  His goal was to please me so he was fairly well-behaved.  Liv was my strong-willed baby.  When she was two I became so exasperated at all of her defiant and dangerous behaviors.  If she was behaving very badly I would often resort to spanking, but by that point I was angry because I had waited too long to establish my God-given authority over her actions.  I learned to apply a measured swat to the bottom before I was so frustrated that I was just venting my anger on her tiny bottom.  Olivia learned the line and her behavior improved dramatically.

Fast-forward to the present and here I am with toddlers again and the old ways of doing things are out.  I have literally felt like I was wrestling sometimes to enforce a time-out.  I have had to put them back and put them back and put them back after they jump up from that spot.  No, I have not always put them back super gently. Tyke will do everything wrong he can in 30 seconds if he suddenly decides he wants my attention.  He goes into a Tasmanian Devil routine and literally spin around the room snatching toys and throwing them to the floor, jumping on the furniture and throwing his body into people and things.  Oh how I wish I could swat his bottom in those moments.  I like to think of it as a "snap out of it" swat. Alas, as a foster parent I am not permitted this means of correction.  I am sure there are many, many, families who have taken it too far so all foster parents are forced to follow these guidelines.

In some ways I get it, I really do.  I have read Parenting the Connected Child.  I understand about the child needing to feel they are in a safe place and I so want my children to feel that safety, but dangerous actions without any fear of consequences place children in greater danger.

 Sometimes, unruly children put parents in impossible situations.  I have been there many times.  Today, the play therapist decided she wanted to go on an outing with us.  She offered to take Baby and Tot to the car for me at the end of our outing while I gathered up our things. Not too hard as my babysitter had already loaded Tyke into his seat.  I laughed as she attempted to hold Baby, work the gate and hold Tot's hand.  He jerked his hand from hers and dashed into the parking lot full of cars.  Yes, play therapist, I thought, "Welcome to my world."  Tot has no fear of cars because he is too young to understand and he does not fear punishment because there will be no spanking and timeouts are not an effective form of correction when he is going to be strapped into a car seat anyway.  Foster parents may not use any form of restraint on the children and so we risk Tot's death in order to protect his self-esteem.

The times when I have felt the most strongly about spanking have always involved one child abusing the rights of safety for another child. This behavior always results in timeouts and when the offender will not stay in timeout while the injured child is screaming from the pain of a vicious bite mark, yes, I have definitely wanted to have a come to Jesus moment with the offender's bottom.

 Someone asked me a couple days ago about how my children were handling sharing my attention.  They are doing very well sharing my attention.  I prepared them for the reality of the changes many many times.  What I failed to prepare them for was the many times they would be physically hurt.  I failed to prepare myself.  In those moments when chaos reigns I struggle to keep my anger in check so the boys won't be afraid.  Fear surrounds me.  My kids are afraid because playing nice does not mean they won't get hurt.  I am afraid because I recognize I can't keep them all from getting hurt, and the boys are afraid because they are in a house that is full of screaming again.  Even if they are the ones who caused the screaming to begin with.

I am rambling a bit now, but my point is there is a lot that goes into parenting hurt children and perfection is unattainable, but whatever you do DON'T swat their bottoms for heaven's sake.

Where things are and are not going.... At this point.

At this point the caseworker, the advocate, the visit supervisor, the caseworker's supervisor, my husband and myself all want to see termination happen in this case.  Bio-Mom just does not attend anything and she is continually prompted to attend. She has failed drug screens when she shows up, she does not attend counseling, she does not attend training, she does not attend visits, she misses parent team meetings.  She is getting mad now because the kids aren't home yet, but she is not doing anything. 

There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well.  They both failed to call or show for the last visit.  I am hoping for and expect more of the same.  These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide.  So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.

As for my family...  My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family.  He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age.  We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.

  I was very emotional about this.  I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family.  I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away...  I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband.  Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them.  He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen.  Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered. 

I think that he may change his mind.  I think that he may not.  If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head.  Who knows?  Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.

I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family.  God is bigger than all of this.  God is bigger than all of this.  God is bigger than all of this.

Amen?  AMEN!

Good, Bad, and Ugly

We watched The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly this past week.  I have some Good, Bad, and Ugly going on too!

I am doing better actually.  I have been working on a Bible Study dealing with anger and praying a lot.  This is my Good in all of this. Yes, I have been dealing with anger and I know that is Bad.  It is amazing how the verses are helping me.  After reading a verse about "a kind word turns away wrath,:" I noted that the stress is making me angry and that my anger is making more stress. Anger sometimes seems like a quick fix, but it is temporary at best and it makes things worse ultimately. At that point things can get Ugly.   I am learning, so that is something. 

If I am going to thrive here I need:

Bible Study and Prayer

Sleep

and.... Help.

I have a sweet girl here to help me 5 days a week for the rest of the summer.  I got my laundry done today.  It was really cool!

I am taking steps to make things right. This is real life.  We can't hypothesize about what will and won't work.  I have to do my best and pray for the rest.  God has me and I am not letting go of him.

I am not letting go of these boys.  We are together... for better or worse until the Father separates us.

Help!

I am drowning and I am looking for answers.  Failure is not an option.  I feel like adapting is better, but my ideas keep being criticized.

I am trying to decide how best to emotionally detach from in-car temper tantrums.  I can get them to stop, but only with pulling over and giving attention to the bad behavior.  I had the idea that maybe I could wear my ipod in one ear and not be so swallowed up in the screaming and so affected by it.  I was told, "You can't do that!  You have to be fully alert to everything going on around you."

I decided to hire a girl for summer help.  I want us all to be able to go and do things together and still enjoy summer safely.  I was told, "If you can't do it without help maybe you just can't do it.  What makes you think you will be able to handle it once summer help is over?  You think they will be better by then, but maybe they won't."

I feel like nothing I do is going to be right.  Maybe this person is right.  Maybe I am not cut out for this.  If I can't handle listening to a 45 minute car tantrum without some way to help me tune out, and I can't take all 5 out safely, control the situation, and still enjoy my life, then maybe I can't do this.  I don't know what to think anymore.

All I know is I felt like God called me to do this.  I felt like he has shown me not to give up.  If I give up on these boys I will carry it with me forever, because I do not feel peace about it being the right thing to do.  I only feel like it is the easy thing to do.

And let's not forget I actually LOVE these boys!  I don't want to hurt them or cause them more pain.

If I shouldn't do anything I have thought of and I can't send them away, then, what should I do?!