You WILL walk

I like those stories about people who defy the odds.   I like when the underdog wins.  I like it when someone says I can't because that means I will go out of my way to prove I can.

When we began this journey toward parenthood we defied the odds.  My barren womb carried 2 children, my once empty arms have now been mother to 5.

We were told we should reconsider adopting.  We were told we should reconsider adopting outside our race.  We were told we should reconsider adopting more than 1.  We continued forward in spite of those who said we could not or should not.

Early on the caseworkers, the therapists, family, and even friends have told me not to expect too much from "trauma babies."  We were told, in essence, to set the bar low. We were given lots of information to parent "damaged" kids.

I personally have read about brain damage, parenting techniques, and my children's individual diagnosis. I have spoken ad nauseum with experts.  I have used their ideas from time to time.   I like to be informed.   Smile.

Here is the real scoop on me.  I identify with the Mama who is told her child will never walk and then goes about proving the doctors wrong.   I know the disgust she carries inside at these people whose only goal seems to be helping her best accomodate the diagnosis.   The intense and burning desire to prove them ALL wrong because her baby deserves someone to at least believe they have a shot.  They deserve someone
Who will look them square in the face without pity and say, "You WILL walk."

This is the Mama that I am to all 5 of my children.  They are all amazing, they are all capable, they are all overcomers.  The spirit is available to each and every one of them, enabling them to walk in victory, not defeat.  It is that spirit which will cause them to be more than conquerors.

My job is not damage control.  My job is to coax, pull, push, prod, and demand until my children believe they can do more than crawl because their MAMA says they can!  My children are proud of themselves and they should be,  because I get on them like white on rice when they mess up and I help them be proud of themselves with every hurdle they triumph over.  It is exhausting, emotionally messy, amazing work that I am seeing fruit from it all over the place.  I know my children are capable, intelligent, and mighty, but my job is not done until they know it too.

All this time I have felt pulled to do things someone else's way.  No more.  This is MY way and I embrace it.   I am constantly told by people that my children should not be doing as well as they are.   I smile, but inside I know who my babies are and these people, these doubters,  these naysayers... they ain't seen nothing yet.

A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

Birthday

Today we celebrated Zee's 2nd birthday.  He is fantastic, amazing, wonderful, onery, and just about the culmination of everything I ever hoped to experience in adopting a child.  He is amazing.  He brings our entire family more joy than I can even express, but this post isn't about Zee.  This post is about Chi.

See Chi is everything I had hoped to avoid in adopting.  I apologize if this offends anyone, but I have to be real.  His special needs make me feel like a lunatic.   There seems to be no place I can zero in and be the hero for him.  He wants love but he rejects love.  He wants peace but spreads rage and chaos.  He is angry, neurologically impaired, and incredibly unsettling.
Yesterday, I watched his raging silence a store full of people.  He has a stealth mode.  He smiles and chats he can be Mr. Personality then something happens... This time it was something so mundane as not allowing him to carry a cleaner through the store.  First his back arches, his legs join the act, he moans, he throws himself in a jerky fashion to the ground and the screaming starts the screaming doesn't stop in 5 minutes it can go on and on and on.  An older lady walked up and asked him what was wrong and he stopped and stared blankly at her while she talked.  Then I announced we needed to check out, he puffed his arms out turned and gave me an angry glare and growled, "I Am NOT talkin to YOU."  Even Obee was shocked at his boldness.  I remained calm and told the boys it was time to go.  Cue the flailing, jerking, dancing like he has to pee, and screaming.  The older lady tried to calm him.  He turned his glare and screeching on her and the 15 or so adults around us went silent. Outside, I am the picture of calm, but inside?  Well, inside it's not pretty.   He did not stop screaming until we were home and then it was just long enough to tell me he was not going to his room.   Oh yes he was!

Here is the thing, I love Chi.  I mean I love him deeply.  I don't have any tricks left in my bag for Chi.  I have tried it all.  I have worked to change myself and my family for this little man, I have done so much to try and help him heal, but it doesn't work.  Nothing works for long.  Lots of things work for a little bit. My only remaing strategy that I cannot and will not abandon is prayer.  When he starts I try to remember to do nothing but pray.  Too often any other method seems only to place temporary bandages over a raging wound.  I don't remember to pray nearly enough.

Then there was tonight.  At the close of Zee's party I gave Chi a big bubble wand so he could run with the other kids as Chi had been so desperate to participate in the game.  In less than 2 minutes he had used it as weapon to inflict pain.  Ryan looked at me with incredulous  eyes.  Why would I even give Chi the opportunity to participate? We KNOW this boy.  Just as quickly he let it go.  We have to give Chi room to succeed too.  I looked Ryan in the eyes and we shared a soul moment.  "He is so hard," I whispered.  Ryan's eyes reflected my pain.  At the end of Zee's special night it was Chi we bundled into our bed for special time.  We talked with him about Dora and Spiderman, Mexican hats, and the Octopus he tells us lives in the pond.  We held hands and prayed over our boy and we prayed for ourselves.  We cannot abandon him to his anger and pain. He is 3.  He needs to know he isn't going to be abandoned again.

For better or worse he is our baby boy and we will stay in the trenches with him, because when he makes his silly faces and sings his silly songs and tells Cy, "Remember Mom loves you even though you got in trouble." It is enough.  I see him in there behind all the junk.  I see this amazing person under all that pain. I see the beautiful soul God put inside of Chi and I am so grateful that God gave me easy, breezy, Zee.  If I had been given only Chi maybe I wouldn't have held on long enough to see the beauty inside my beautiful Chi.  He is a strand of gold embedded in the rock, beautiful, and valuable,  and just waiting to be set free. 

Reruns

Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week.  He is usually "over it" by now.  He is going back to some old behaviors.  He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage.  He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast.  If you want him to go fast he will go slow.  If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor).  He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat.  Its all about control.  He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors.  He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them.  I haven't seen that in a very very long time.  I am sad.

I don't know what to do about it.  It's the visit.  He is tangled up inside.  It's the fact that he knows she wants him back.  He is a mess!  I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds.  Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home.  I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.

I pray bio-momma gives up her rights.  I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that.  The places I see him regressing to...  He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns? 

I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom.  I really feel like I am getting it.  The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted.  I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her?  Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted.  I could see clearly maybe for the first time.

I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys.  To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests.  Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.

Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.

I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths."  Proverbs 3:5  It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit.  When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet.  If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way.  He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.

Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk.  Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down.  The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will.  I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again.  Why can't we just get to the next part already?!  Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe.  He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things.  When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender.  One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.

See?  I told you God was working on me!

Oh the Craziness

Well, Tot has been a real struggle for me.  He does things that any 2 year old would do, but he does them to such excess.

  On the way to church Wednesday night he actually got to sit in a row in the van by himself.  I am used to something starting with Tot and someone every time we try to go anywhere.  There appears to be hitting, screaming, and general trouble.  Well Wednesday night he was sitting all by himself.  He flailed, he writhed, he screamed, he flopped his arms all over until finally he whacked himself in the eye.  In the same tattle tale voice he uses to tell on whoever sits by him normally he said, "Momeeeeee, I hit myself in the eye!"  We all hid our laughter.  He had to have a disagreement with someone and with no one available he chose himself.


Yesterday I think Tot, cried, whined, screamed, stomped, and flailed more than he had calm moments.  He ran from me every time I called him for a diaper change, or nap, or to eat, or to help him get his shoes on.  I have been berating myself fiercely for not being more patient with Tot.  Today it hit me, I AM patient with him.  I am soooo patient, but I just don't have endless reserves.  In the afternoon he was happily playing outside for about 2 seconds.  I passed out cookies for snack (I am trying to use up all the fall treats we have been receiving in the mail from family members).  Tot shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then proceeded to point and sob and scream through the cookie because he didn't have a cookie!

At one point I got so upset because he was fighting me for a diaper change and I was trying to avoid a mess. He got corrected, but I knew, I mean I KNEW that he absolutely did not get it and the behavior was going to repeat itself.  Sometimes all he does is hold himself still.  Its deer in the headlights look and I know nothing is going in. I have to calm him down, get eye contact, try to simplify the message and 50% of the time or more I still don't think he gets it.  The reality is in that moment I still needed to get supper, pick up a crying baby, make sure Cy fed the chickens, supervise homework, stop Tyke from climbing the outside of the stair railing, and just finish the stinking diaper change.   I know Dr. Purvis, I am supposed to stop everything, take my time and get eye contact, and use gentle touch and a gentle voice, and increase his sense of "felt safety," but all I have time for (actually I don't really have time) is a quick poopy diaper change.  Those are the moments when I just desperately need a break and there is none to be had.

At some point I wised up and I cried out to God for help.  He answered me and the day calmed down a bit.  Today seems to be better.  Whew!  This stuff is hard hard hard.  I wish I could afford a babysitter and a break tonight.  Maybe after bedtime I will eat like 3 cookies in a row, with milk, and I won't allow myself to feel guilty.  Then I will rush to spend some alone time with my husband because he needs me too.

At Church Today

Tyke has graduated out of the nursery and into Children's church.  The fun part of for us is that he now sits in church with us until the Children are dismissed.  Ryan had to leave the service for the cry-room because Baby wasn't feeling well.  It was me, Cy, Liv, and Tyke.

 Thankfully Cy and Liv do pretty well.  If they were getting away with things while I was dealing with Tyke they kept it under the radar.  Tyke had to sit on my lap, then he wanted to stand, then he wanted to sit on the front pew, and he wanted to twist and turn and reach for anyone around us to see if they would hold him (no, I did not allow that).  Whew!  The first half of church was a major workout holding a wiggling 3 year old. 

I suppose the audience was too much for him to pass up because he broke out with, "Ow!  You're -"  All of the sudden he stopped and looked up into my eyes and whispered, "I not say that."  Thank the Lord in heaven.  I don't know if he was concerned about lying or if he was concerned what outings or treats he may miss out on, but Tyke got himself under control (well, in that area anyway).  He still tried to lay on another woman behind us.  To keep me from looking up front he kept saying he wanted to give me kisses and grabbing for my face.  He reached his hands into my hair softly and then quickly pulled it all over my face so I couldn't see.  He was seriously going for an attention war.  He would never have pulled that with Ryan there, but he works me a lot more than he does Ryan.  I finally got the shenanigans to settle down by threatening time-out in his car seat in the car.

 He does not like car seat time-outs, which is how we handle things when we are out.  None of our kids liked car seat time outs.  I am not sure why they are so effective.  Maybe its knowing they didn't end things for everyone else just themselves.  The offender stays in the car, while one of us waits outside until the screaming subsides (no point in torturing my eardrums).  All the rest of the family continues participating in whatever event the culprit has decided to forgo and it allows the innocent parties to suffer the least. 

I am noticing little control behaviors like needing a kiss (well more like 20), messing up my hair when it starts as a gentle touch, fake crocodile tears, insisting he has to go potty when I am giving attention to someone else, when I just took him.  In themselves the behaviors can seem like no big deal, but the behaviors have taken a turn to become something he can use to manipulate me. Tyke wants my attention on him.  He has me figured out.  He knows the consequences of hitting, screaming, stealing, and now saying I "hurt him" aren't worth it.  He is so smart. 

 He's been here long enough to know I am a very touchy affectionate person.  I like to touch those I love whether its, a kiss, a caress on the cheek, ruffling the hair, patting the arm, or scooping them into my lap.  My kids probably all get affectionately touched 30 times a day or more.  If someone comes to me for a hug or kiss I pass them out freely.  One of my favorite games is to grab a passing child, scoop them into my lap, and tell them they are just a "precious newborn" and cover them in smooches.  All of the kids love the attention (yes, even my big 8 year old boy although he says I will have to stop cradling him maybe when he's 10.  I love how he has it all figured out.). 
 
Tyke also knows I am very tender toward anyone who is sad or hurting. If someone gets hurt or is just emotionally struggling this is a time for connection.  I never want my family to think they have to go it all alone when they are having big feelings.  So we sit and talk and connect, and yes, of course we hug.

Now, Tyke is more emotional and affectionate than he has been in a long time.  For example he has started coming to me sobbing giant tears over things that have never affected him the slightest before. The tears are big, and when I pick him up he feels like a limp noodle. I calm him and soothe him and send him on his way and he comes back to me for the SAME thing over and over and over until I am just like, "Knock it off!"  and he usually does.

 I am actually not sure what to do.  I can't just stop being affectionate and considerate of broken hearts.  My big issue is that these acts of love I give freely and in abundance, I don't want to feel like they are being forced from me in an attempt to control me.   I REALLY don't like feeling that even my time in worship before my God has to take a back seat to Tyke's manipulations.  I am going to have to get a plan to deal well with this behavior.

As an aside...  Ya'll I LOVE Tyke!  He makes my heart happy.  He is so stinking cute and is growing leaps and bounds in so many ways.  Please don't think I don't adore this boy.  Today, we both had to use the restroom at the restaurant after church.  My little man went first and then respectfully turned his face to the wall so I could have my privacy. I did not even have to ask, he has taken my words on privacy for everyone to heart.   He is not a trial I must endure, he has my heart.  There are just some behaviors I see that cause me to worry and if you have any advice to help make the hard parts easier I am all ears.

I Am Still In It

Even though I said I couldn't do it.... I am.  I just kinda love all my stinkers even though they are not very good sometimes.

The boys are doing better.  My husband and I had to remind ourselves of Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

We have decided to handle behaviors through prayer just as much as with consequences.  I think all parents of children from hard places need to recognize that there were/are two sets of plans for our kids, God's plans and  the plans of the evil one.  When the boys came to my home it was because the God of all Heaven stepped in with His plan for Tyke, Tot, and Baby.  These boys have been brought to a home where they are loved, and prayed over, and sang Jesus Loves Me every day.  They are being given a new life, at least for now.  The Lord has designated this period of time in the boys' lives as a time of shelter for them and the spiritual forces of evil would like very much to disrupt this time.

The problems that arise in behavior stem from different places; grief, defiance, RAD, age, and more, but whatever the cause may be, the solution is the same.  Prayer.  I was correct in saying I cannot do this.  It is too hard for me, but it is not to hard for God.  I am in a good place.  I acknowledge I am nothing without my Heavenly Father.  I am not a mighty warrior.  I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma, but I am willing to let my Father lead me.  I think that just might be enough.

A Double Blog Day

*I am sorry.  This blog is not a victory dance.  You are meeting with me in the midst of the battle, the struggle, the pain of growing.  I know this somewhere deep.  I am not a finished work.  I am a work in progress.  I would love to edit out all the parts that may make a reader uncomfortable, or may allow a reader to judge me.  I love reading the blogs the flow from the hearts of beautiful women who love God and their children and they seem to really get it.  I am not there yet.  I am trusting God to get me there.  I just wanted any readers to understand that before they proceed with this post...

I hate the feeling of going backward with my kids.  That idea goes from the 8 year old on down.  I hate the feeling that we have been here and done this and now we are rehashing it as if it was never learned.

With my foster babies it seems we get to go backwards a lot.  I cannot even believe how much Tyke is pushing every button he can possibly push today.  He has stolen food, decided to scream for hours (in lieu of napping of course), puked on himself on purpose twice today.  I know you think I am making the puke thing up, but I am not people.  It turns out if you make gagging noises enough to get attention and shove your finger down your throat if necessary puke will come up.  Both times he did this when he was in time out.  He called calmly to me.  "I'm dirty, I'm dirty, get me up!"  The second time I let the timer run its course and then gave him a shower.

I am just going to have a really honest moment here.  I am tired!  I don't have all these reserves of patience.  I can't do this, I really, really can't!  I wanted to take him over my knee.  I had to stand and just breath through the desire.

There isn't just Tyke in this house and he should not be allowed to run the show.  Baby wants held, and he wants a lot of attention now.  Tot, wants to sit beside me everytime I sit down.  I let him chatter while I get something done and he pats me lightly, then harder and harder until it is  full-on hitting. He wants to touch everything I touch and he wants my full attention.  Liv begs me for Mommy-Daughter time and I am always trying to fit that in too.  Cy gets ignored unless he is helping out.

 At least at night I get to curl up with my oldest boy.  He's growing up so fast and his wise thoughts bless me tremendously, but I digress.

So here I am in "Backwards Land" trying to learn how to be okay with it.  I am trying to learn how to have a functioning home when a couple of the children in it seemed determined that all will not be calm... EVER.  They both have some of the alphabet attached to their profiles now.  A string of letters that says, these boys brains don't work like other kids.  Yet, I still believe it can be okay.  They can be so refreshingly precious and normal and I feel like grieving when it all falls apart again.  

I pray, "Jesus change me."  I pray, "Jesus change them," because if things stay the way they are I can't do this.  I really, really, can't. 

Aftermath of Visits

The visits are confusing Tyke and bringing out his RAD-like tendencies.  The play therapist is officially diagnosing Tyke with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but I still think he is healing somewhat.  The diagnosis may help the judge to see the seriousness of what has been done to him.  At least that is admissible in court.

After the last visit Tyke mentioned wanting to go back.  I expected that and was not surprised.  Visits are a holiday of sorts.  There are no real rules or expectations.  He gets to eat and play and what 2 year old would not like that?  Then after this last visit Tyke did not want to get out of the van, but he came willingly enough.  Then he told the visit supervisor he wanted to go with her.  I was thinking he just wanted to go see his B.M. some more.  As she pulled away he cried.  He said, "I want to go with F________, she loves me!" F___ is the visit supervisor.
  "Did she say she loves you?" I asked with a smile.
  "Yes, I want her!" 

So, we are back to the stage where anyone Tyke spends time with has the potential to be his Mommy for now.  I am sad, because of all that I have put in, but I also know that this is what it is like for RAD kids.  This is what I think... These visits are damaging the healthy connection he is building having only 1 primary caretaker.  They are leaving him confused about whom to attach to so he will attach to anyone.  In short the visits are triggering the RAD to be more pronounced.

Then there is Tot.  Well, he is just very combative and screamy today.  This is the case after all visits.  He shows no emotion when he leaves and he shows none when he returns.  You would think he does not mind the visits. He had pretended to infant cry a lot today.  He won't use words he just grunts and cries like Baby.  I remind him he is not a baby, and I offer to give him a hug if he needs it, but I try not to get pulled into the scheme he is attempting to build.  Now, Tot is up in his room still making crying sounds after 30 minutes about having to have naptime.  I know him by now, and he is exhausted, and the "crying" isn't real, it is just to get my attention.  If I go hug him or pat him or whisper to him, or threaten him it won't help.  It just reinforces the behavior so I am sitting outside blogging so I can keep my mind busy.

The only one that is pretty okay today is Baby.  He spent some time with a stranger yesterday.  She fed him and put his pj's on.  Baby is a pretty laid-back little guy so other than getting quiet when others hold him he does not change all that much.  I pray this can continue to be the case.