Insecurity

WARNING, THIS POST ISN'T PRETTY

Some days I am still so overwhelmed by what we took on 2 years ago.  I cannot believe how much I love them, but I also cannot believe how much I still feel helpless and inadequate to meet their needs...  It hits me at least once everyday.  Everyday.

I look at other families doing this and I think, "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?  Shouldn't I be to the joy-filled part of this journey now?"  Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that it never will be, but before all this I did not struggle with this unending sense of not measuring up, of not being enough.

Things ARE easier now, but there are certain days where Chi and/or Obie want the fight.  They just can't BE they must push back, sometimes even if there is no reason to push.

When we face those days I forget about backyard family football, worship around the kitchen table, laughter as the kids say the darndest things, and family dance parties.  The biggest thing I can think is all that doesn't mean anything if I screw them up by not knowing what to do in their worst moments.

I am scared that their story of their life will not be a story of redemption and salvation it will be the story of how I failed them.  These thoughts haunt me.  They bring fear to interactions where I should be confident,  they make me tired before I even start my day.

I know I am being put through the fire to be refined, but I am starting to lose hope that I can ever feel like a capable Mom again.  It doesn't really matter how I feel.  I will get up and feed my kids, and hug my kids, and take care of them.  I just wish I did not dread my potential for failure for the day.

I can only say, "Thank you God." Because we do have healing happening, we do have joy, and we do have love.  I  know this is through God alone and not through my works.  Thank God for his faithfulness to these babes.