A Glimpse of the Other Side

Today, Baby had to get tubes in his ears.  Bio-Mom was invited to show, but I really didn't expect her to be there at 6am.  I was surprised to see her as I came through the surgery center's doors.  It was just Bio-Mom, me, and Baby.

Strangely , I was comfortable.  I can put myself at ease in most any situation, but I never thought I would feel at ease with her. We talked about their funny behaviors and I showed her pictures and videos from my phone of the boys dancing around and having fun.  I watched her with Baby.  She loves him.  We talked about the boys.  She loves them.  She did not get all syrupy and dripping with love language.  It was a Mom to Mom knowing.  This woman loves her kids. 

As we neared the end of everything I asked her who was picking her up.   I saw a flash of utter pain cross her face.   She had no one.  My heart broke.  This Baby Girl is hurt andhas hurt her babies, because she was hurt first.  I heard my mouth offer to drive her home.  "What am I thinking?" I wondered.  She accepted the ride and it was pleasant enough.  She sounded only 13ish when she told me with pride that she'd put the baby to sleep for me.

I neared her home and yet again I heard myself tell her I was praying for her.  As I watched her walk alone to the door of her apartment I couldn't help but tear up.  "God, what is THIS?" I whispered.  "What now?" I prayed. 

I only heard, "Pray."

How can someone who loves their kids hurt them like she has hurt them?  My mind is having a hard time lining up love and abuse, but I can see it exists.  I can see it in her.  Every Mom knows her own dark place.  Every Mom gets desperate and angry and tired. Every Mom makes mistakes raising her children. What would I do if I had no money, no job, and no education?  What would I do if I had no one to turn to?  What would I do if a life of pain was all I had ever known?

I know I want the boys to stay.  I know I don't want them to be further abused, but I am glad its not up to me.

I don't want to worry about her.  She is 20.  The damage is done.  Her story is written... or is it?  I know that Christ wants to redeem her life.  He wants to set her free.  I don't know what the final story will be for her or for these boys.  She does not deserve to have them back.  She will probably hurt them again, but who am I to say what the Lord may have in store for her life? 

I will do as the Holy Spirit instructed me.  I will pray.  Its all I can do.

Sometimes I'd Rather Cuss than Pray

I have been praying A LOT.  If you aren't sure what about, then I invite you to read through my last 60ish posts.  

Today, the boys actually had a visit, and the 18 year old girl in me just wanted to have a cuss fest.  I feel like if they don't give a @#$% about protecting these kids than I am not going to give a @#$% about any of this either.  As I sorted through all the unruly and smart mouthed thoughts I was having I realized I am freakin' tired!  

Yep, I say freakin' sometimes.  You should pray for me, because sometimes... I say worse than that, but I am off subject again.

As I was saying, I am tired, and my big bro came through with all of his chill Hawaii guy wisdom (shhh don't tell him, he's just a Midwest transplant) .  "Mandy, maybe its OK to pass the baton for awhile."  He reminded me that I am not fighting flesh and blood.  He said, keep praying, but maybe all the prayer power doesn't have to come from me alone (I knew that).

So rather than give in to the teenager in me that wants to cuss out the man and assert myself, I called my pastor and enlisted his prayer support.  I am also going to ask any of you reading to pray for this case.

See, bio-mom has done some really bad things.  The kind of things that, if they could be proven, would permanently separate her from the boys.  However, it seems to me that no one in the place of authority has any interests in bringing those things up.  I think the biggest issue is the fear that it cannot be proven.

Today, I had to take Tyke to therapy right before his visit.  The therapist was gentle as we again, discussed his injuries and confusion.  She said, "I am so sorry that happened to you, Mommies shouldn't do those things."  At points, he only seemed interested in eating the play doh.  At points, he seemed to be ignoring her completeliy.  We left therapy and he cried for the next 40 minutes.  

Then... I had to take him to a visit.  He went from being angry and sad about the terrible things done to him to lighting up because it was her, and he loves her.    My fears run rampant.  I see the love.  I see his need for her approval.  I know he will continue to do whatever she wants in order to get that approval.  It could destroy him.  He has not seen her in nearly a month, but the connection is powerful for him.

I am told Bio-Mom is on a one strike system.  If she misses one more visit she does not get any visits until she goes before the judge again.  I think she is going before the judge soon.  

These are the issues I wrestle with:

I want her to miss the next visit.

I want the judge to be serious with the consequences.

I want him to read all the reports of abuse.

I want him to care about stopping it.

I want whoever is trying to cover up this abuse to be exposed or removed.

I want the boys protected from ever having to even see their abusers again.

I want the family member that just wants the boys for money exposed.

I want parental rights terminated.

I want these boys to be in my a home where they will be cherished forever.

I want all of my "I wants" crushed if they are not God's Will...

Please, please pray for these boys and for these battles that are not truly with people, but with the powers of darkness, because today I am tired.  Yes, I am praying, but there is a part of me that still just wants to cuss.

Support... It LIfts Me.

God has been extra super kind and good to me by sending support where I need it with this fostering thing, and it really lifts me!  Pun intended.

I talked with a friend who is a foster to adopt Momma tonight, and I was set free when I found out she loses it with her kids sometimes.  I seriously thought she could constantly pull off that peaceful Momma thing.  I cannot do this quiet voice, quiet life thing.  Sometimes I want to wring my children's necks (bios and others, I am no respecter of persons).   No, don't pick up your  phones to dial a hotline.  I don't wring their necks, but sometimes I holler!  It sounds like, "I want to wring your necks right now!" or  "I'm going to hang you up by your toenails!"  or "Man, I need to whoop your butt!"  

This loving Mommy correction has been hard for me to release from my way of speaking.  I don't want to further traumatize the darlings in my home, but I gotta be me or I am going to freak out myself.  Sometimes just the threats alone bring a smile to my face and to Cy and Liv's faces.  Then we hide those telltale smiles, and they quickly pick up the room they have been ignoring me about cleaning and all is well.  It lets them know I am still me and I am not possessed by an evil spirit.  Important information like that soothes my little darlings.

Now, back to my point.  My friend, SHE doesn't do EVERYTHING perfect.  I know!  I know!  I was shocked too!  My friend gets mad, she gets sad, she gets frustrated.  It turns out that she prays in the morning and reads her Bible just like me, and then has been known to lose it the very same morning just like me!

Now, I am not glad for her to be experiencing these emotions, but I am thrilled, that I am not alone.  I am thrilled to know that the frustrations and imperfections do not disqualify me from being a foster parent or adoptive parent.  I have been carrying around guilt since our very first foster placement (I yelled at our little boy on Christmas of all days).

I want to get better everyday.  I want to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace all of the children in my home for who they are.  I am just glad there are women out there with whom I can drop the act, and say "Caring for these kids doesn't always bring out the best in me," and they get that I still love these babies.

I am thankful for the support of the Moms who have gone before me.  The ones that are keeping it real.  What's under the support hasn't changed a bit, but I feel rejuvenated when I am well supported.

So Little to Give

When I started this whole process to foster and to hopefully adopt I was feeling like I was so blessed.  I knew I had a lot in my tank to give some child or children if the Lord would just bring them through my door.

In some ways I am finding how empty my tank really was.  Being selfless, truly selfless, is very hard.  I can easily imagine laying down my life for any of the children in my home.  The hard part is being there and being selfless every single day.

As I am sure you already know, I am not selfless every single day.  It is more like an hour here and a couple hours there.  I am tempted daily to lay this calling down, and to leave it to another who is far more qualified than myself.  Many times I find myself begrudgingly scraping something off the bottom of my nearly empty tank.  I had so little to give.  I did not really know until the time of need arrived how woefully inadequate my own resources were.

The true miracle of fostering and adoption is that I can not look at myself with rose colored glasses anymore.  I see me.  I am selfish, I am demanding, I am angry, I am proud.  Some of you that know me may be thinking I am wrong.  There are things about me that I like, but it is so easy to focus on those because then I don't have to feel guilty and then I don't need to worry about change.  These children are a wonderful mirror, and I don't like what is looking back at me.

The good parts?  God is giving me true relationships with people who have had to get just as real about themselves as I have.  I am learning that the love of God has nothing to do with my performance.  I want to walk this road out even though its hard and even though it might be easier to say, "I quit."  I want to see who God is trying to make me into.  I want to run the race set before me.  This part seems to have a lot of hurdles. My legs are tired, and I keep falling down a lot, but I want to run this race. 

I am so tired of asking God to change me.  I am so tired of feeling changed and then feeling like it was an illusion.  The old me seems to lurk, waiting for fatigue and schedules to clash or waiting for those perfect storm moments when EVERYONE needs me.  Still, I am begging him.  My heart sings the song I have loved since childhood.

Change my heart oh God 

Make it ever true 

Change my heart oh God 

May I be like You 

You are the potter 

I am the clay 

Mold me and make me 

This is what I pray 

Change my heart oh God 

Make it ever true 

Change my heart oh God 

May I be like You

The Meeting

Well, I went to the meeting.  It all seemed pretty useless.  Bio-Mom did show up quite late to the meeting, after some strong coercion.  Everyone was polite and helped her come up with good answers to all the questions.  It was somewhat strange.

I want to hear your opinions about something... They are threatening to throw Bio-Mom in jail if she does not work the case plan.  This just doesn't seem right to me.  You can get a person to show up and have meetings with the threat of jail, but you cannot make them want to be a parent.  You can make them fake it for you, but that does nothing (in my opinion) to ensure they will be parents who are motivated to be there for their children.  What do you think?  Am I missing something?

They also asked her if in the event she is unable to work the plan and get her children back if there was someone she would choose to have her children.  She indicated her mother.  There are some problems there because of her mother's criminal history.  She does not meet Child Protective standards apparently, but the judge can choose to overlook the history.

We have visits scheduled again for next week.  I wonder what she will do with the threat of jail hanging over her...





Additionally, my caseworker visited yesterday and although the visit was pleasant she basically said Tyke was making things up, she doesn't think anyone hurt Baby (the bruising means nothing), the marks are not scars from injury.  It does not matter to her that doctors, therapists, foster parents, and forensic experts think otherwise.  It's just so weird.  I am not even angry anymore. 

I cannot protect them.  This whole thing is in the Lord's hands.  It all seems so crooked and perverse.  If she believes all she says then the system has no right to even hold the boys.  They never had any right to take them.

I believe Tyke.  I have seen the behaviors, I have heard his own words.  Two year olds don't make these things up.  Someone needs to believe him.  I may be the only person that does, and I really have no power to keep this from happening to him again.  It's sad.

Funny...

I saw this coming... It's kind of funny when you see it coming.

The visitation supervisor called and told me the caseworker wanted to continue to offer another visit because of Mom's excuse about being sick.

So we dutifully put the visit on our calendars for today...  Bio-Mom called and canceled. 

I am told there will be no visits  for this week.  Really??? That's amazing since its THURSDAY! 

Anyway, we have a team meeting tomorrow.  I have been told further visitations will be discussed then.  I am grateful to be included in this meeting.

 I wonder if bio-mom will show.  It could be good if she came.  The Lord has given me a compassion for her, which in and of itself is a bit of a miracle.  I just can't imagine how overwhelmed she must have been.

Still, if she is trying to let the boys go, she will be speaking loud and clear by not showing up again.  I am starting to think that is what she is doing.

The meeting is tomorrow at 12:00pm central time.   It will be frustrating to drive all that way and nothing new gets decided or done.  Also, I know I am supposed to listen and not talk much.  I am not very good at that when I have a strong opinion. Would you mind praying for tomorrow's meeting?

"How's Things?"

A lot of my favorite people like to start our phone calls with that phrase.  Well, some things are good and some things are not.

The good?  Visits are done, at least for now.  Yesterday was another cancellation by Bio-Mom.  I never said anything to the boys.  Their world was not rocked and our day moved forward as usual.

Also, Cyrus rocked yesterday.  For the low low price of $7 he cleaned the homeschool room all by himself, cleaned the kids' bathroom, cleaned the toy room and landing areas, cleaned his bedroom, and vacuumed the steps.  He has never worked so well for me, and since he was trying to get all the money I did not hear him yell, for an hour, that his sister wasn't helping enough. So that is a big deal for me.

I was still aggravated off and on yesterday.  I have been wanting to eat everything sugary in sight.  I almost feel like its PMS except, all my stuff was removed 2 years ago.  There is NOTHING left in there to create these hormonal type symptoms.

Last night things were better and I realized something.  I felt peaceful.  The house was clean and picked up and that helped me to regulate.  Everyone keeps saying not to worry about the house right now, because I am at the stage where my house will not be clean, but dang it I feel better when it is clean!  When the house is not clean I don't feel free to just participate in the children's lives. I know I have to do something or the whole thing will swallow me up.  I spend the whole day trying to get things done and being interrupted.

This next portion is not a complaint.  Its just the reality of my days right now...  I need to do 2 loads of laundry a day.  I need to vacuum everyday because the boys, baby included, put everything in their mouths.  I clean after breakfast, clean after snack, clean after lunch, clean after snack, and clean after dinner.  I also need to prepare breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.  I wipe faces, and butts, change clothes that have been peed and puked on (theirs and mine).  I pick up toys (or I order others to pick them up, which is a different kind of work).  I feed Bottles and Baby food.  I snuggle, rock and play enforcer for the 4 times a day I lay children down for naps.  I also referee all the arguments that break out when those nap times do not happen successfully and let's not forget all the arguments that happen just because he's holding it and I WANT IT!  These things take all of my day and I usually don't get them all done.  I am sure you can think of lots of other housework that should go on this list.  That all is falling under the "Oh crap someone's coming over!" category right now.

 I am ADD and it can create difficulties for me in finishing things, and in just remembering what I need to remember, or catching all that is going on around me.  When it is chaotic around me I get worse.  I tend to react instead of being proactive.  I can't find what I am looking for and things get farther and farther behind schedule and the pressure gets higher and higher.  When the counters are clear and the toys get put away my mind works better and so does my patience.

So in an effort to have better mental health, I am going to somehow switch my major clean up to evenings (I like to clean in the mornings and just leave the counters dirty and unplug at night). I did clean up last night and it was freeing to go outside and play with the babies this morning.  This will take prayer and I laugh as I type that part, but I KNOW its true.  I don't like to clean at night.

I also am finding that I am happier and more relaxed with all the kids when we spend lots of time outside, so I am going to start spending LOTS of time outside everyday with the babies.  Rain or shine.  I took the kids on a boat ride on the pond today.  They loved it and so did I.  OK, I am getting off here.  I need my outside time!