Today, Baby had to get tubes in his ears. Bio-Mom was invited to show, but I really didn't expect her to be there at 6am. I was surprised to see her as I came through the surgery center's doors. It was just Bio-Mom, me, and Baby.
Strangely , I was comfortable. I can put myself at ease in most any situation, but I never thought I would feel at ease with her. We talked about their funny behaviors and I showed her pictures and
videos from my phone of the boys dancing around and having fun. I watched her with Baby. She loves him. We talked about the boys. She loves them. She did not get all syrupy and dripping with love language. It was a Mom to Mom knowing. This woman loves her kids.
As we neared the end of everything I asked her who was picking her up. I saw a flash of utter pain cross her face. She had no one. My heart broke. This Baby Girl is hurt andhas hurt her babies, because she was hurt first. I heard my mouth offer to drive her home. "What am I thinking?" I wondered. She accepted the ride and it was pleasant enough. She sounded only 13ish when she told me with pride that she'd put the baby to sleep for me.
I neared her home and yet again I heard myself tell her I was praying for her. As I watched her walk alone to the door of her apartment I couldn't help but tear up. "God, what is THIS?" I whispered. "What now?" I prayed.
I only heard, "Pray."
How can someone who loves their kids hurt them like she has hurt them? My mind is having a hard time lining up love and abuse, but I can see it exists. I can see it in her. Every Mom knows her own dark place. Every Mom gets desperate and angry and
tired. Every Mom makes mistakes raising her children. What would I do if
I had no money, no job, and no education? What would I do if I had no
one to turn to? What would I do if a life of pain was all I had ever
known?
I know I want the boys to stay. I know I don't want them to be further abused, but I am glad its not up to me.
I don't want to worry about her. She is 20. The damage is done. Her story is written... or is it? I know that Christ wants to redeem her life. He wants to set her free. I don't know what the final story will be for her or for these boys. She does not deserve to have them back. She will probably hurt them again, but who am I to say what the Lord may have in store for her life?
I will do as the Holy Spirit instructed me. I will pray. Its all I can do.
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