Parents need "Redo's"

I have noticed that when bad behaviors start they have a tendency to escalate.  They have a tendency to "take over" the person who displays a bad behavior.  Until all of the sudden the grouchy moment, becomes a grouchy day, and then it becomes a grouchy weekend.  I see this in my kids all the time, and I see it clearly in myself.  When my children screw up  I sometimes offer my children the chance to redo a bad behavior in the hopes that by redoing the behavior properly they will begin to develop better behavior.  I also just want to arrest that moment to keep the cycle from continuing.  Well, after some really stressed out moments over the weekend I was feeling like maybe I needed to be able to use "redo's" myself.

I kind of decided loosely to allow myself these moments. It may not mean anything to my children, but it is a huge thing for me to swallow my pride and go back and redo a yucky moment.  When I screw up and I know it, I am going to go back to my kiddos and complete a "redo" to the best of my ability.

Case in point... Tyke did not want to nap, he was being difficult, I was getting inappropriately grouchy with him.  I left the room, came back in and "redid" my nap time voice and mannerisms.  We did nap time and Tyke's last interaction before drifting off to sleep was Mommy Manda  behaving well, not immaturely.

Yes, I love the Lord.  Yes, I am a foster mom.  Yes, I asked for this gig.  Still, I am not going to lie and pretend like that means I have it all figured out.  I am not a better Christian than most.  I am selfish.  I am immature.  I am a giant grouch sometimes.   I have to deal with myself in prayer, over, and over, and over again.  Yes, I pray for my family, but more and more I pray for me.  I am not asking the Lord to calm me down, or just give me some peace for today, I am asking him to go in and remove those parts of me that don't bring him glory.  I don't want to push them under the rug anymore I want purified.  When you purify something the impurities get removed.  They don't stay a part of the purified object.  My heart needs purification to continue to walk this path in a way that will bring Him the most glory.  Tonight I am begging the Lord "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

Possibilities and Decisions.

Tonight I learned that the next scheduled court date is June 20th.  I also learned that the boys' bio-Mom is not working the plan... at all.  Bio-mom cancelled the last two visits she had, she has missed meetings, trainings, testings, etc.  I learned that visitation has been suspended again.  I learned that already they are going to attempt to move toward termination of parental rights.   I am told that there is no family coming into the picture except one who is unsuitable. I am not supposed to know any of this...

So what is this???  Is God moving sooner rather than later in these boys' life?  I pray this is true.  They are young and beautiful and they are full of potential.  Is this just one man's unrealistic ideas of what may happen?  Where does this leave my family? 

My family... On the worst days, when I wanted to hide in my bedroom and cry I did not want these boys to leave.  I have felt overwhelmed, and incapable of this task... repeatedly, but I do not want them to leave.

 I am scared, because I know that I would sign papers tomorrow, and bind these boys to us.   I am stuck in this rut, we have the room, we have the car, we have Jesus, what else do we need?  I would love them, and train them, and teach them of Jesus, everyday from now until forever, but some in my family are daunted.  It's 3 babies, and they have changed our entire lifestyle.  They are 3 hurting children and they take all we have to offer and still want more, they cry for more, they scream for more, and we are left feeling... inadequate, overwhelmed, and sad. I stare into their precious faces and wish, that if we were offered a chance, the decision would be mine alone to make, but it is not.  We must make this decision as a family to be willing to be bound to one another as we are in marriage...

 for better, 

for worse, 

for richer, 

for poorer, 

in sickness, 

and in health,

forever, and ever.

So again, I ask you to pray. 

Becoming a Foster Mom

 I realize, and I think I am accepting, that I am a Foster Mom.  I am not preparing to adopt these boys.  I am just preparing these boys for life.  I am trying to make this stage of their lives be as healthy as possible because I don't know where they will go next or what that life will be like.

I was praying on Saturday about how hard this all is and I was letting God know this is why I only wanted to take care of kids that were going to be mine.  I felt the Spirit tell me, "I am asking you to take care of kids that are mine."  Repentance was instant and my mind was altered in that moment.  God is asking me to take care of his kids right now.  There are no guarantees, there is no promised happy ending, but they are his babies and I will do my best to love them.

The boys had a visit on Saturday.  I sent them off, well covered in prayer,  and I prayed for their homecoming when I realized they would be home soon.  The boys came home, spoke calmly about the visit, and went on with life as usual.  The supervisor informed me we are up to 2 visits a week.  I had no idea, but I will just move forward with it.  I sent an email off to my caseworker just letting her know that I was told 2 visits.

This caseworker does not let me know when court is scheduled, she does not contact me to let me know the outcome of court, and she does not contact me to let me know what the case plan is for the kids (or at least let me know the things that affect me).  She had me spend $600 on clothing for the boys, telling me that it was approved.  When I went for reimbursement, she said she was still waiting for approval.  Later, she told me I was approved and would be receiving the refund.  Then another DCS person let me know I would not receive anything until I sign paperwork.  I cannot reach my caseworker to get hold of the paperwork.  Almost every time I call her voice mail box is full.  Oh, and I think I mentioned in another post how she seems sympathetic to bio-Mom which, to me, seems cruel to Tyke.  Still, she is the caseworker in charge and I must respect her role.  It's just hard sometimes, because I feel so very disrespected.


And... I took Baby to the ER last night.  His breathing was labored.  He is diagnosed with "Bronchiolitis," which I think is just a fancy way of saying his airway is inflamed.  I have to follow-up with the family doctor to try to get to the bottom of things.  I have have been having to give him breathing treatments since we left the ER last night. Poor Baby.  I'm thinking he's having seasonal allergies.  Mine have been bad and Tot and Tyke seem to be riddled runny noses and irritated coughing as well, but Baby's allergies seem to be creating an asthma-like response in him.

A change is needed

Yesterday Tyke had therapy and he did not talk about anything with the therapist.  He went back with her sucked his thumb, wanted to be held, and scribbled on paper.  I am okay with it even though I know that means there is no further progress in her reports to the caseworker or CASA.  Tyke is only really encouraged to talk about it for about 1 hour a week and that is a lot for a 2 year old.

I have struggled with the advice I have been given regarding how to handle it when he talks about trauma he has experienced or acts it out in some way.  Persons from child protection  have told me not to ask questions, to redirect him, , to tell him, "We don't do that here," and then to get up and move away, and even (I think this was the worst advice ever) to put him in timeout.  When I have taken them to appointments to be talked to and looked over I have been told not to prepare him for the interview, etc. 

It occurred to me yesterday that never in a million years would I naturally handle a child that way.  With my own children I would hug them, I would tell them I was so sorry that happened to them, I would try to get them to talk about it, and I would NEVER drop them off in a room with some stranger to TALK about something without giving them some direction as to why we are there. If I take my kids to a babysitter, the zoo, the doctor, you name it, I tell them why we are going, I tell them what to expect, I reassure any concerns they may have.  This is what good responsible adults do!  In Tyke's case I feel that all they will allow me to do is to inform him, this person is nice or safe and then move out of the way. 

I have been struggling with my instructions on how to handle Tyke.  We are always teaching our children even when we don't speak.  They learn a lot about what we like or don't like simply by the way we handle them. By following their advice I am teaching Tyke that I don't want to hear about it!  I am teaching him that his stories of his life are unimportant to me.  If he starts talking all of the advice I have been given are ways to shut him down.

So last night, I rocked him before bed I told him, "I am so proud of you for telling me about when you got hurt.  You are a big boy, and it is good when you talk to people like Miss T and Miss P and Miss B about what happened to you.  You won't get in trouble, because it is good to tell safe grown ups when bad things happen." It was a lot of words so I seriously doubted how much he was taking in.

Tyke sat up and looked at me with sad eyes, he pulled his thumb out of his mouth and said, "Mommy S hurt me!  Uncle hurt me!"  He went on to tell me more, and this time I hugged him, I told him that I was so sorry that happened to him, and I encouraged him to talk about it with me whenever he wanted.  I encouraged him to talk about it with Miss T (his therapist), Miss P (his caseworker) and Miss B (the investigator) too, so they could help keep him safe.  That was it, and I knew that it was right.

 In other news...  Mommy S failed to show up for the Team meeting that was scheduled yesterday.  She was a no call, no show.  I am glad because I am getting really tired of the caseworker telling me how nice she is and how hard it is to imagine she could do these things.  From what I understand, she doubts Tyke knows what he is talking about, and maybe it was someone else besides bio-Mom.   I am praying that God will continue to bring the truth to light.  I asked the therapist yesterday, if at 2 years old, Tyke could be making these things up, she told me that she did not think it was possible.

I am praying that whatever evidence is needed, will be found so Miss P and Miss B will get on board and protect these boys. If you do nothing but look at Tyke and you can see marks of abuse, but I was told that since he was so young there was little that could be done.  First I was told Tyke couldn't talk, so I must be mishearing him.  I prayed and he proceeded to talk up a storm to anyone who came through our door.  Then I was told that because Tyke said these things to me, it would not be enough, so I prayed and Tyke talked about all kinds of abuse on his first day to the therapist.  On that day, the therapist asked me to sit in the room so Tyke would not be afraid.  Then I was told that, because I was in the room, I could be influencing him to say these things.  Again, the abuse could not be substantiated.  I prayed again and Tyke willingly went down the long hallway and spoke without me.  Even with all of that the abuse does not seem to be substantiated.  There is still not enough evidence.  So I am praying again.  We have an appointment April 5th to look for additional evidence that can be documented.  I am praying it will be there.  I am praying and praying and praying.  It may be the strangest thing I have ever prayed about.

Our God is Greater...

I reread my last post and I am so sad for the anger I see pouring off of it.  This is just so hard.  It is harder than I ever imagined to trust the system.  In truth, I cannot trust it and I never will, but that anger and hopeless sounding words reveals a harder truth.  I am having trouble trusting God in this.  I am being swayed by everything that happens.  I need to stand with my face to the wind and the storm beating down and I need to trust him, because He is Good.

The boys came back, and as my husband said, "It's like someone pushed a reset button."  I got to see lots of behaviors  I haven't seen in awhile and some brand new ones. I don't know what will happen.  I don't know how this ends, but I know that I am standing in the gap.  I will pray for these boys and I refuse to continue to let myself spiral into an angry person I don't recognize.

A portion of a song by Chris Tomlin keeps going through my head lately.

 Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shine
 Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

A verse that is lifting me this morning is this:  Ephesians 3:20  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

On my worst days God brings me to this place, and asks me who I believe He is.  I know who my God is because he has shown me repeatedly...  He is Good.





































[ Lyrics from: http://ww

A Spin Job

The boys are off to a visit with their bio-Mom.  This is very exciting for the Mom I suppose.  She hasn't seen them in 7 weeks.  She will probably enjoy the much calmer and well-adjusted boys they are becoming.  No one has abused them for 7 weeks and they are so young, so to some extent 7 weeks is forever. 

I did such a great job loading them into the car and telling them I would see them later.  I smiled.  I didn't cry or stomp my feet.  It was so great how I was able to save that for later.  I asked them to be nice to the visit supervisor.  Everyone smiled.  How great is it that we force kids to have 2 hour visits with incredibly abusive people?.  How wonderful for bio-Mom to have her rights.   The little ones are so young, we need not be concerned that their rights have been violated multiple times by their mother.  In the words of one of the workers regarding Tyke, "He is just so young, there's not much we can do."

Tyke may be covered in scars, and he may tell some horrendous stories, but it was all probably just made up anyway.  Lets all discuss the things we will help bio-mom with so she can do better at controlling her boys' behavior.  We don't want them acting terrified and insane all the time.  It's so uncomfortable for Mom and the workers that will come into her home.  Maybe after all of the visits and training she will be better able to be abusive to them without being bitten and hit and screamed at.  Maybe she will be better able to train them to keep secrets.

The best part is that Baby has not been very obviously abused yet.  Well, except for the nasty black eyes he was given before he came here.  He is happy and alert and playful.  He's like a new jar of play-doh.  She can take him and totally demolish who he has the potential to be. 

I am one of those silly Foster parents who thinks little ones should be protected by the officials elected and hired to protect children.  I have been naive and I will learn my lesson.

Oh visitation day... The start of such a wonderful thing.

Picture Time (Edited)

Kitchen Races Have begun!

Cy is the ringleader at the starting line .

 Tot is very serious about "cleaning" his plate!
This has been pretty messy at times.

 Baby enjoys tummy time and is rolling over and creeping forward now.

I wish I could show you his smile... He melts me.

 

Liv, Tyke, Tot, and Baxter take in the scenery down by the pond.

I am loving these warm days.