An interesting update

Thank the Lord for the boys' advocate.  I heard nothing from my caseworker all day.  The hearing was at 8:30 this morning.  The advocate called and let me know the boys would not be leaving.  He also let me know that visitation was granted at least for now.

Thanks to all who are praying.  I know that prayers have been a shield of protection for these boys.  I know that prayers will continue to be a protection for them.  I am praying protection and for the truth to come out during any visitation that takes place.

 They are going to work to substantiate the things that Tyke is saying again, and they have some ideas for that.  They are going to ask that he go to a special center that can record his interview with a trained therapist.  This interview would then be admissible as evidence.  It would also be helpful in bringing an end to visits.  We did visit this place once before, but it was not successful.  Tyke was not willing to go anywhere without me.  The woman (he just met) used a somewhat bossy tone of voice with him and told him he had to leave his sucker with me (a sucker they provided by the way).  They treated him like he was 5 instead of 2, and then just said it could not be done.  So they are going to attempt to get permission to do the interview with the current therapist whom Tyke likes and trusts.  The center has a relationship with this therapist so it looks possible.  Tyke has no problem talking to this woman and has told her everything he told me and more.  This is the next thing to pray for.  I am praying Tyke will be allowed to interview with this woman.

Another development... Bio-Mom is 4 months pregnant.  Baby is only 5 months old.  Mom tested positive on a drug screen recently.  The judge told her if she tests positive again he will put her in jail until the baby is born.  Thoughts occur to me... if Tyke's abuse is proven what is the status of the next baby?  Will she just keep having babies?  Will they ask us to take them?  I only have room for 1 more, but I don't know if I could actually handle 1 more.  Craziness...

Tommorrow is the hearing...

I feel like there is a good chance the boys could leave this week.  I am just sad about it.  Grandma has mattresses on the floor after all, so that is family for them to be with.  I was told she has a record, but I don't know what that will do to protect the boys.  They (DCS) sounds like they will make an exception for her record.

The play therapist wants to come over tomorrow to watch how I give the boys lunch so Mom can do better at visits, because Mom is required to feed them. She wants to be able to tell Mom what I do.   I hate this.  I feel like everyone is preparing me at the very least for visits. 

If you were kidnapped by someone who hurt you for years and you finally got away, and you finally got the courage to tell someone what had happened to you, would you feel betrayed if you were forced to visit in the hopes to reunite with that person?  We wonder why foster kids act out so terribly after visits.

Will these boys move in with Grandma and be forced to see their abusers constantly?  Will they be forced to go to visits and and will adults attempt to force them to behave nicely with their abuser?

My husband keeps saying over and over, "It's not up to us."  He's right and I feel peace about that.  It is not up to us to keep them from harm.  We are doing our part.  We will see if the system fails them or not.  Time will tell.

Mad and Sad

I am struggling to get started here because I am kind of covered in a hard shell right now, but I can tell I have a lot of mad and sad inside of there.  If I don't get it out, its going to just separate me from those I need to love on.

I'm mad.  I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe.  They could go back to a family member in just a few days.  This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt.  Where was she then?  I am mad about that.

I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job.  It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.

I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter.  As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another.  This has been going on since the beginning of November.  I have no energy.  It is hard to climb the stairs.  My arm gets tired burping the baby!  On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc.   I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful.  That used to be me!

The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day.  I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor.  Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"

And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad.  That is me being different?!   My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing.  I am changing and I don't like it.  Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction.  Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.

This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things.  This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together.  This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly.  I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much).  This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.

This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make.  He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."

I know the old me is still in there.  Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too.  I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels.  I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face!  I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!

So could you all please pray for me?  Please pray for my health.  I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick.  I want my smiley energetic self back please!

I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once. 

Latest News

Today the caseworker called me to let me know that bio-Mom is such a nice person and is being so cooperative.  She wanted me to know that it is just so hard to believe she could do anything bad to the boys.  Wow.  Yes, because seemingly nice people never commit horrible acts.

Then the CASA came by...  He is such a good man and seems to really care about these boys.  He said he visited Grandma and did not think it was the best place for the boys.  He let me know that Grandma has 2 mattresses on a floor for the boys now, and a pack-n-play in her room for the baby.  He said they would not have any room to play, but they would have beds.  He doesn't know what the judge will do.  He describes the judge as a good man, with a big heart.  In his opinion, the Judge will do what he can to keep families together if there is any spark of hope.

Tonight during bath time Tot as he was jabbering away.  He seemed like he was trying to tell me about someone hurting him and Tyke.  I wish I could understand him better, but it doesn't really matter because the things the boys say do not seem to matter to anyone besides the CASA, the therapist, and myself.

So maybe the boys will be leaving soon to go sleep on a mattress on a floor.  They will get to live with a Grandma who doesn't believe them.  If she doesn't believe them then how will she protect them?

I am going to just trust the Lord because it's all I have. I will keep praying for them.  Please pray for the judge to have wisdom, and for the boys to be protected. The next hearing is March 14th.   They could use all the extra prayers they can get right now.

Falling For Them

I am seriously falling for these 3 boys.  I am not sure why, but when I look into their little faces my guts get all mushy sometimes.  I don't really want to love them this much.  It will break my heart if and when they leave.

I fell for Baby easily within the first week.  He smiles and babbles, he is beautiful, and he is a cuddler.  I am fostering, with a goal to adopt someday, so what Mama waiting for her forever children wouldn't fall for that?

The other two were harder.  The behaviors were so maddening.  There was so much rage and pain and it was a very effective shield between my heart and theirs.  I loved them because Christ called me to, but not because I felt some magical feeling inside.  Now, I am getting these flickers of magic and I love it and it hurts me at the same time.  God will do what he will do, and I will accept it.  He knows what's best for everybody.

THIS is why I said we would only foster children whose bio-parents' rights had been terminated.  Ugh.  What am I doing to myself?

Thankful

Life with 5 children isn't easy.  Life with three preschool aged children isn't easy.  Life as a foster parent isn't easy.  It has become so easy to focus on all that isn't easy..  When we got home from church yesterday all I wanted to do was collapse.  The sad thing was that we had just talked about being content with the place the Lord has us in right now.  Although I had determined between myself and God to get to that content place I was not sure how to move from grumbling to peaceful.

I was wondering how I could be content when I knew all that needed doing and I had only a little nap time to do it in.  The house was a mess, and I was tired and my family was having one of those strained Sundays.  You know, the ones where you go to church with your mask on because you don't want anyone knowing where you are really at today?  Yep, it was one of those days and I had only nap time to pull myself together and all I wanted to do was sleep.

First, I determined that I wasn't going to focus on the fact that things weren't easy.  Duh!  I walked this path willingly.  No, I begged for this path.  I felt called to this path.  I did not know what to do so I just stood up.  Sometimes that is a good first step for me when I am overwhelmed.  Next, I started picking things up.  With everything I picked up I made myself think of a reason to say thank you.

It went something like this....

"Lord, thank you for the little feet that wear these shoes.  Thank you for the friends that gave us this coat.  Thank you for the money to enjoy things like pizza.  Thank you for these blocks that I have watched all my babies play with.  Thank you for friends who provided these clothes for Tyke and Tot.  Thank you for the baby in my home that needs these blankets.  Thank you for these dishes to wash because it means we eat well..."

I am not exaggerating it went on and on (my house was a big ol' mess!).  I was shocked that there wasn't a single thing that I touched that did not somehow deserve a grateful heart on my part.  I spend far too much time thinking about the hard things when I am literally surrounded by blessings.

That hour of thank-yous changed my attitude on Sunday  Even though my "day of rest" had work that needed to be done I felt more rested than if I had slept for an hour. “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). 

Signs of Hope

I am really happy right now.  It is hard to express why, because the days are still exhausting.  3 under 3 is no easy task.  Add to that my somewhat emotional 5 year old and impatient 8 year old and well... it's interesting.

I am feeling especially scatter-brained today.  Bullets help me get all my thoughts down.  Sorry, if you hate bullet posting! 

• The court date was set for March 14 so bio Mom could meet with Court appointed attorney
• My Cy told me that he can't get engaged yet because getting engaged involves kissing and that is something God wouldn't want kids doing.  (Love his brains!)
• The boys have actually played together now and then without screaming.  Right now they are playing tractors on the kitchen floor with no drama.  (God is Good!)
• Baby has discovered he can coo and squeal at several volumes so his newest fun game is squealing with all his might.  It took just a bit for us to realize he is thrilled with himself.
• Liv is loving her role as mom's only girl in the house (we share chocolate in secret because women need that now and then!).
• Bedtime is pretty much a cinch now.
• Naptime is easy except that either Tyke or Tot will sabotage things if it goes too smoothly and force us to come back in the room 3 - 4 times to order them to stop screaming.  They will not calm down until our voices get loud and we ORDER them to be quiet (What is THAT?)
• We are still dealing with emotional outbursts about food.  We assure them and comfort them, but many times all that will settle them down is time-out.  It feels wrong to put a kid in time out for throwing a fit about food, but like with naptime they settle down once we get firm.
• I had help this week for no other reason than that it makes things easier.  I love having friends with homeschooled teenage girls!!!
• I read a great article on the internet somewhere about adoption and trying to love and bond with traumatized kids.  It is helping me so much.  Essentially the writer was saying focus on the home rules first and worry about mushy things like love later.

Now, the last bullet starts my tangent.  The article got me thinking about boundaries and this has been brilliant for me to get hold of.  How can we have a healthy love relationship with anyone if we don't have healthy boundaries with that person first? I finally feel free to say to a 2 year old, I am not comfortable with _____________ (insert manipulative behavior here) so I will not accept it from you.

Since their arrival there has easily been 1000 times already that I have not felt comfortable with the type of affection I was being shown and  the "survival fits" they go into. I would just feel controlled by the boys' needs rather than freely offering the affection, food, etc. I already wanted to give.  I don't want any of my children growing up and demanding from others what they are not comfortable giving, so I realize I am setting them up for problems if I don't set boundaries. 

I know these are just my foster boys, and they could move on at any time, but if I am helping them to stop an unhealthy behavior, that is a good thing.  In the course of my day this means that we talk about and, if necessary, provide consequences for any behavior that is not good for them or someone else.  This could be over-eating, clawing someone's face, forcing someone to give affection, screaming for food, etc.  I know this word gets overused all the time for women's issues, but I am feeling empowered. 

final note:  I still think the ultra-gentle touch is right when I see fear or grief and it is a daily balancing act to look for root causes underneath behaviors.  However, I am learning that all the same boundaries need to be in place on even the most grief-filled days..