A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

Budding Artist

Baby is Zee.  Tot is Chi.  Tyke is Obee.  Hope that helps Mitzy ;)  I tried to fix descriptions on my website and it wouldn't save the changes.  Frustrating.

My daughter came to me crying yesterday.  Her brother told her her artwork was no good.   My little girl loves to draw.  I pulled out artwork from 3 years ago that was nearly unrecognizable.   "Look how far you've come Liv.  You get better at what you love to do because you do it over and over."  I compared her artwork to an artist in another book.  "It's true that you can't create something like this yet, but look how much closer you are now than you were?"  I laid out all 3 pieces; her piece from yesterday, her piece from age 4, and the piece from the master artist.

I started crying.  This road has not been easy.  I was JUST complaining in prayer about my inadequacies to the Lord. I see a picture that is not nearly as beautiful as what I am aiming for and then my crying 7 year old walked in.

This picture of our family, and my picture of myself have come so far from the survival mess we were.  All I focus on is the Master version of what we are supposed to be and I lose sight of the growth from a fresh an inexperienced hand to one that is purposing to create something beautiful.  This family just gets better and better at what we love because we are intentionally working towards our family masterpiece.

I like it when things are cool.

I never had that big reconnecting moment I was obsessing about.  I just moved on to other things.  Did he get it?  Was he sorry?  Did he learn anything?  I don't know or "Ah N - yo!" As Zee would say.  We just moved on to planting my birthday orchard.   (that's what I am calling the 6 fruit trees I got for my birthday). He came up and hugged me spontaneously several times and things were cool.

That is the growth I was talking about.  Incidences of pure crazy have reduced dramatically.   Recovery times are faster.  I am able to do more than just manage someone else's feelings.   It's nice.

The cherry on top?  I got to snuggle with the 2 youngest this morning.   No trauma,  no drama,  it was just cool.  See our feet?!

Its just so stinking hard sometimes

God is so kind to give me peaceful days.  I actually start to think that maybe I did something right and we are moving into happily ever after.  

Then a certain toddler takes a stick to his sister.  He gets sent to his room where meltdowns begin.  I am tired (not feeling therapeutic) and I am just trying to shut it down.  He could have put her eye out and I don't want to have to hold him right now so he feels good about himself.  I am tired.

I shutdown the nonsense in a not so sweet way.   What does that mean now?  It means this toddler is now going to do whatever he can to thwart my authority and I will be in a tug of war until I go to him and intentionally connect. 

Except...  I don't feel like connecting with a loaded gun.  If I don't do it right we all pay the consequences.  Sometimes this is hard because it all feels based on how I perform.  Was my voice soft enough?  Was eye contact threatening?   Maybe I am giving him the wrong foods.  Did I do it all right?  Am I creating that loving connection?  

There is so much improvement,  I kind of forget when things go downhill.  God is working in all of us.  I just want to love this boy of mine and days like this it's really hard because I know its up to me, to help him find his footing.  He's being disobedient right this moment...  it's just hard sometimes.

Morning Coffee

Zee likes coffee.  MY coffee.  I have taken to giving him his own bit of coffee mixed with water.  It's the only way I get to drink mine in peace...

No Appeal?

I spoke with our adoption attorney today. He says he can't find any record of an appeal being filed over TPR.   I spoke with the caseworker today. She says she can't find any record of an appeal being filed. I asked the caseworker to check on this 2 months ago. Apparently it wasn't a priority. Now it looks like maybe we can adopt sooner than we thought. I am glad we can adopt them sooner, but frustrated that they took so long to look into this for us.

Our attorney thinks there is a good chance we can adopt by Christmas. He says he is very motivated to get it done because he doesn't get paid until it's done. Maybe caseworkers shouldn't get paid until they actually finish stuff.

At this point I really will be disappointed if they find the appeal. I am starting to get excited that maybe this is actually going to happen.

Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.