Aggravation

Just deleted it all.  I don't want to say it, you don't want to read it.


Sooooo... Things are difficult, I am tired, the house is messy, and my 5 littles are hard.  I think that about sums up my funk right now.

I got a call from the caseworker today.  She told me to come to the team meeting on Friday.  I am going... I guess.  These things are in another county.  I really wish we had an alternative, gas money wise, to the Excursion.... Sigh.  Oh well.

I am supposed to talk about the boys' strengths and about how it negatively affects them when visits are canceled.


 I am aggravated.  I see more negative behaviors when there are visits.  I will come up with something, but  I won't lie.

They seem confused and emotional when they know there is supposed to be a visit and it doesn't happen.  I guess that is it.  The whole truth?  Tot doesn't want to go, but I tell him he has to.  Baby won't eat at visits, and seems less joyful until he's been home for awhile.  Everything is worse with Tyke when there is a visit.  We get eating fits, manipulative behavior, breaking rules for attention, everything.

Now on to other problems.  Me.  I can't convey how I am not good right now.  I wish I could, but I can't stand the whiny nature of it all.   I am nut sure what my problem is right now.  Nothing is worse today.  I just started off praying for strength (because I was tired) and reading the Bible (Because I need supernatural guidance), and even with that beginning it was all hard and grouchiness and tiredness.

Coming Home

I got to spend a whole 24 hours away with my husband.  It's crazy!  Turns out we are still friends and we love each other very much.  That's comforting.  With fostering it is easy to lose one another, and it was so nice to get some time with my best bud in the whole world.  I like him because he's sweet, and funny, and strong-willed, and tender, and caring, and ornery as can be.  I'm gonna keep him.

Then we came home.  It was so nice to see not just 2 faces light up when they saw me, but 5 precious faces grinned and squealed with excitement to get some Mommy love.   Ahhhhh, I love these kids, I am in serious danger of a broken heart, but I can't protect myself.  It feels like when I fell for my husband.  I know I should protect my heart, but I'm helpless.

Today I have gotten many soft spontaneous kisses from the Tot-man.  This morning when I was dressing Tyke, he put his little hands on my shoulders, "Hey Mom... You my mom.  You my mom," he whispered.  Wow, it sounds like we are all in danger of broken hearts here.

Coming home ROCKS!


Update... Bio Mom tried to cancel visit again yesterday.  The visit supervisor talked her into it because she had already picked up the boys.  Now the visit supervisor is kicking herself.  She said she will not talk her into it again.  The supervisor is asking that visits be suspended, but even if they aren't she is going to do nothing to encourage Mom to be at them again.  This is the 8th visit in the last 6 weeks that she has either cancelled or tried to cancel.  She has attended one visit without any manipulation by others.

In the Weeds

When I was a waitress and things would start piling up, mistakes often piled up too. We had a plan for those moments at the diner where I worked.

A waitress could call out, "I'm in the weeds!" and we'd pull together to get our customers served.

There was no judgement.  We'd all been in the weeds before and we would be again.

I started today in the weeds.  Fatigue, stubborn children, a more stubborn me, and a long list of things to do, left me ready for this day to be over at 7am this morning.

I let two friends know I needed prayer and they prayed with me and for me.  A short while later I felt some joy sneak in and take hold of me.  The weeds started to part a bit.

Maybe I need to keep a list of people who I can ask for prayer support when I am in the weeds again.  I know I will need them.  We all get in the weeds.

Learning to laugh... and other things.

Baby is learning to laugh.  I love that I am getting to have him at this point in his life.  He has been laughing when tickled for about the last month, but now we are getting to situational laughter.  He sees something different and it sends him into the most hysterical giggles. Liv was bopping her head around for him and he was just giggling like crazy.  Her hair just flops everywhere and I think it fascinates him.

Now for other news...
I was shopping today in the area where the boys are from.  A woman saw me and kept exclaiming over the cute baby (I had Baby with me).  She kept saying "What's your name buddy?"  I did not say anything.  His name is very unique and I did not want to start anything.  Finally, she asked me, "What's his name?" 

I can't lie.  I just can't.  I gave his first name and she asked what it meant.  I said, "I don't know, he is just in my care right now."

She nodded her head and said, "I think he might be my family."  I just smiled and told her maybe, but that he was beautiful and a pleasure to care for and got my butt out of there as quickly as possible.  I won't shop there again.  I had no clue what to do.  I still don't know if I did it correctly.

In other news... Bio Mom was really late for her 1st visit last week and the 2nd one she cancelled after the boys had been waiting for 45 minutes with the visit supervisor.   I am told she has to call and confirm 2 hours ahead now or there won't be a visit.  I am told if she cancels again visits will stop.  I do not know for how long. 

I know I am supposed to have my reunification hat on, but I can't.  I don't know if these boys are meant for our family.  I would like to think they could be, but my husband and I will have to both be ready for all that means. I only know I am begging God to protect these boys. 

I try to wrap my head around all the suffering in this world.  I can't.  I cannot tell you why these boys should be rescued when so many are left to suffer and even die in horrible neglect and poverty. 

I only know this, Tyke, Tot, and Baby, were brought to my doorstep.  They were placed in my arms with all of their overwhelming need and pain.  I am not just hoping that they will be warm and fed and safe.  I want them loved, and cherished, and encouraged, and disciplined, and educated.  I want them to have every opportunity God will allow me to give them. Even if they cannot be mine (although the idea of that makes my insides hurt) I just pray they will never again know the kind of pain they endured before coming here.


I cannot tell you why they are more worthy than any others.  In truth, they are not, but they came to my doorstep and my heart.  I beg God for one thing for them.  That he will complete their rescue mission. I pray that they have not been pulled out only to be sent back to those that would not have their best interests in mind. 

\

I like...

I like Cy, he's so smart for his age, and it makes funny things come out of his mouth.  When he prayed tonight he said, "Jesus, work on me to change the things about me that you don't like..............  and if you want to work on my sister Liv some, that would be ok too."

I like my Liv. Tonight as we snuggled her eyelids kept drooping.  She spoke very coherently as she informed me that she has no trouble at all keeping her eyes open during the day, but that her eyes are just very strong at night and then she just can't keep them open anymore....

Another funny on Liv... She was trying to get rid of hiccups last night.  I told her maybe she should try winding one arm backwards and patting her own back with the other.  I have seen her doing it off and on all day.  It's so funny.  I need to tell her I was kidding, but it is SO funny.

I like Baby, he was trying to cry for me to pick him up, but I was busy so I just kept singing to him and smiling.  His crying started to mimic my singing and he smiled back.  The boy just can't help himself.

I like Tot, he looks deeply into my eyes.  He holds my face in his hands, and sometimes he adds a kiss to the gazing.  I love baby love.

I like Tyke.  He dances like a broken robot, because Cy dances like a broken robot, he wears farmer hats around because Daddy Ryan wears farmer hats around, and when he hears me sweeping he gets to the living room with his own sweeper as fast as he can.  It's true what they say... Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

I like my hubby.  I overheard him tonight while he was talking to the boys.  They get scared by different triggers or when they are separated from me.  I heard him tell one of them softly, "You are ok.  It's ok buddy, you are safe with me."  I just love a man that cares about the fears of a toddler.

I like that my Liv accepted Jesus as her savior 2 nights ago. She finally realized that calling something a sin isn't an insult, its just a fact.  She realized that calling herself a sinner wasn't a slur against herself, it was just a fact.  She called me to her side... Broken because of her sin.  At "5 going on 6" she prayed with such a simple belief in God, and his ability to rescue her.  I felt the realness of the moment. I knew she meant it with all her heart.  I love my baby.  I love my Jesus who was Broken for her rescue.

Happy Easter

Today's appointments

We went to counseling today.   Tyke does not want to talk with the therapist anymore.  She, the therapist, says this could be a good thing.  He is so young, and he "told on them" and got it out and was comforted.  He seems to want to move past this and we should let him.  We have sessions scheduled through May.  If he still isn't talking I am going to be happy to let him move on.

We had a visit scheduled today too...  B.M. was 1 hour and 15 minutes late.  She called to say she was just going to get on the bus when the visit was starting.  Of course we all accommodated her sudden change.  The boys were cranky.  She is supposed to feed them at visits and it was nearly 1 by the time she arrived. She would not look at me.  Maybe nervous, maybe angry, I don't know.  She tried to kiss the top of each of their heads without really looking at them.  Tot pulled away.  He did not want kissed. She did not appear to notice.   I had to leave.  He banged on the glass door and screamed for me.  I screamed on the inside.

I then left to feed my 2 cranky children.  I got a call in the parking lot of the restaurant.  "Could you come back with a bottle for baby? His mom forgot food for him."

"Ummmm, no my kids are really hungry and I need to feed them too."

"Ok, well, we just might have to end the visit early then."

"Well, I am at TGI Fridays if you want to drop the boys over here.  Call me if you need me."

Seriously, do they think I am NOT going to feed my children.  I don't want Baby hungry, but it is annoying because I know they just don't want to hear him cry.  Turns out B.M. left the visit and went to a nearby store and bought the boys some food.  So proud of her... Really, I have tears of joy.

We had a final appointment today to see if there was any additional physical evidence to document.  I don't know why we went.  The doctor spent 20 seconds looking at each boy.  He did not follow any protocol for this type of appointment that I had researched.  He proclaimed no additional evidence existed and sent me on my way.  His wife called twice while we were there.  His son was waiting in the hallway, and we were the last people there.  He    did     not    care.  He just wanted us out.  I wish Dr.'s would go ahead and call their patients on the days they just have no intention of caring.  It would be nice to save ourselves the time and gas money.  I know maybe his wife is sick, maybe his son had a bad day at school.  I know, I am not being nice...  It's just that I kind of wanted him to pay attention because my boys were tortured by angry grown ups.  Just sayin.'

A sunny spot

Tot chose a sunny spot on the living room floor today, he opened his giant book and thumbed through the pages.  I knew he was singing and my heart skipped a beat when I recognized that it was "Jesus wufs me dis I know."  I have been singing that song to the boys since Day 1.  I so want it to become a part of their identity.  Who am I?  Well, I know that I am loved by Jesus.  I have suspected he was trying to sing it before, but this time it was so clear, and I was touched that it is a song he will sing to himself now.

I was told that bio-Mom will actually still have visits allowed.  However, no one has called me to arrange anything.  I wonder if they are leaving it to her to show the initiative to schedule things.  I know for the boys to have a visit it is a 6 hour commitment from the visit supervisor, not to mention all the calling around to set things up.  So we will see where things go from here.

I was asked to consider taking in a sibling group of 4 today.  The parents are offering to sign away rights, so it would be a legal risk placement.  They are really too old for my young family and my heart is too tied up in these boys to send them away so I can replace them with others.  I will see these boys through until God decides where they are going.