I have been going back and forth on this one and I would appreciate your feedback.
The boys call me Mom and/or Mommy, I refer to myself as Mommy Manda now. When they first came they called me by my name and they cried for their Mom, calling her Mommy.
About a month into care both boys started calling me "Mommy." I remember distinctly that it was first used by Tyke right after he heard Cy and Liv talking to me and (of course) referring to me as "Mommy." A short time later Tot also took up calling me "Mommy." I really felt uncertain about it when they began calling their b.m. by her first name only.
I began to take care to make sure I was referring to her as "Mommy S" and that I referred to myself as "Mommy Manda." Then Tyke began to talk more and more about the variety of abuses he was forced to endure and, I will be honest, I no longer cared that he called her by her first name only. The things he (only a 2 year old) claims she and other family members have put him through would be better classified as torture. I just no longer cared about preserving that precious relationship.
The investigator heard the boys ask for me and refer to me as "Mommy" last week. He let the caseworker know he is concerned that there is a blurring of lines with the boys calling me by this moniker. Even though I have no respect for b.m. at this point I went back to carefully referring to her as Mommy S and referring to myself as Manda.
Shortly thereafter Tyke had his awful days. The ones I posted about last where I just was at my wits end to parent him. I think I was triggering his fears of abandonment by calling myself by my name rather than referring to myself as "Mommy Manda."
After those awful days I went back to calling myself "Mommy Manda" I went back to letting him call her by her first name and he seems much better.
I cannot bring myself to tear down my relationship with the boys in order to elevate b.m.'s relationship. She should never, ever, be their Mommy again. This should NOT be an issue. If the investigators would actually care about uncovering the truth they would EASILY see this for themselves.
I am just not sure what to do, but here is what I think. If the boys get reunified with that family, the name they called me will be the least of their concerns.
Maybe I am wrong. What do you think?
Showing posts with label investigation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label investigation. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Walking Through the Fire?
The boys went without fear. Thank you. They trusted their unknown therapist. Thank you. She asked no questions... What??? I was told that they don't want to ask leading questions so they just bring the kids back and let them talk about whatever they want to talk about. The boys are two!!! I will never understand this system. Never.
On a good note. The caseworker and advocate spoke with me and very strongly attempted to deliver the message that they believe the boys and they, the advocate and caseworker, will be doing everything they can to terminate rights. My caseworker said, "You help them heal, we have lots of other reasons we can terminate here." I told her my fear about the kids going back because of regular visitation. She let me know that is a small thing compared to all b.m. isn't doing.
Then later in the evening I get a call from the caseworker. The boys have scratches and one has a red bottom and b.m. and grandma are accusing us of abuse. They are accusing my husband of the old abuse that Tyke was running around the visit ranting about. They were saying he calls my husband by this name he was using. Caseworker told me she was irritated with Bio-family and she was thinking it was just anger for them being questioned by investigators regarding the new claims right before the visit.
I explained how the boys get scratched up playing outside. She knew that. The other "scratches" were some kind of rash Tot picked up by going through the Holly bushes by our back patio without a shirt on. When she mentioned the red bottom I replied, "Well, Tot does have a bit of a rash because of all the swimming he has been doing. He gets irritated by the swim diaper." She told me my answer was perfect. I answered quickly, without hesitation, and knew exactly which child she was referring to, and I gave a reasonable cause without being asked. She still had to go and look the boys over
I know I needed to be still and trust, but I panicked a little. I got everyone who knew anything at all praying. I cried a little bit more. I felt these accusations put my kids in jeopardy.
An hour later caseworker called me back. She said the red bottom looked exactly like diaper rash. She said that both she, the visit supervisor, and another person there all agreed. She said the scratches on Tyke's back were all self-inflicted as evidenced by the angle and placement. They were all around the lower sides of his back. She also told me I was right that the boys are rough and hurt themselves. She said while she was there Tyke careened into her and accidentally scratched her face.
I guess that is done. I hope so. Ryan says if we get questioned by investigators we are done. His words, "I don't care if people accuse me of things I do, I know who I am. I hate being questioned about things I didn't and wouldn't do." I get it. It is a big insult.
Our family is not one of those mighty families that can stand up to all they would throw at us and keep on keeping on for the kids. I could walk through the fire alone, but I won't drag my kids through it if I can help it. We have 2 children who need us and I don't want them scarred by being sent to foster care for 1 night or 2 weeks while we get investigated on very serious charges. I know how slow the system works for the guilty and the innocent. My babies aren't getting caught in it.
So as much as I love these boys, I can't commit to lose everything for them if that is what is necessary. I pray God ends this case quickly. The things Tyke has been saying lately let me know the bio-family in this case is violent, sick, and twisted. I don't want pulled into their world. I just want the boys pulled out.
I know there are awful foster families out there. I know these kids need to have hyper-vigilant protectors, but I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma. I may not be cut out for all of this. I don't know if my faith is strong enough for that kind of fire. I hate being so painfully honest with myself, but it is the truth.
On a good note. The caseworker and advocate spoke with me and very strongly attempted to deliver the message that they believe the boys and they, the advocate and caseworker, will be doing everything they can to terminate rights. My caseworker said, "You help them heal, we have lots of other reasons we can terminate here." I told her my fear about the kids going back because of regular visitation. She let me know that is a small thing compared to all b.m. isn't doing.
Then later in the evening I get a call from the caseworker. The boys have scratches and one has a red bottom and b.m. and grandma are accusing us of abuse. They are accusing my husband of the old abuse that Tyke was running around the visit ranting about. They were saying he calls my husband by this name he was using. Caseworker told me she was irritated with Bio-family and she was thinking it was just anger for them being questioned by investigators regarding the new claims right before the visit.
I explained how the boys get scratched up playing outside. She knew that. The other "scratches" were some kind of rash Tot picked up by going through the Holly bushes by our back patio without a shirt on. When she mentioned the red bottom I replied, "Well, Tot does have a bit of a rash because of all the swimming he has been doing. He gets irritated by the swim diaper." She told me my answer was perfect. I answered quickly, without hesitation, and knew exactly which child she was referring to, and I gave a reasonable cause without being asked. She still had to go and look the boys over
I know I needed to be still and trust, but I panicked a little. I got everyone who knew anything at all praying. I cried a little bit more. I felt these accusations put my kids in jeopardy.
An hour later caseworker called me back. She said the red bottom looked exactly like diaper rash. She said that both she, the visit supervisor, and another person there all agreed. She said the scratches on Tyke's back were all self-inflicted as evidenced by the angle and placement. They were all around the lower sides of his back. She also told me I was right that the boys are rough and hurt themselves. She said while she was there Tyke careened into her and accidentally scratched her face.
I guess that is done. I hope so. Ryan says if we get questioned by investigators we are done. His words, "I don't care if people accuse me of things I do, I know who I am. I hate being questioned about things I didn't and wouldn't do." I get it. It is a big insult.
Our family is not one of those mighty families that can stand up to all they would throw at us and keep on keeping on for the kids. I could walk through the fire alone, but I won't drag my kids through it if I can help it. We have 2 children who need us and I don't want them scarred by being sent to foster care for 1 night or 2 weeks while we get investigated on very serious charges. I know how slow the system works for the guilty and the innocent. My babies aren't getting caught in it.
So as much as I love these boys, I can't commit to lose everything for them if that is what is necessary. I pray God ends this case quickly. The things Tyke has been saying lately let me know the bio-family in this case is violent, sick, and twisted. I don't want pulled into their world. I just want the boys pulled out.
I know there are awful foster families out there. I know these kids need to have hyper-vigilant protectors, but I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma. I may not be cut out for all of this. I don't know if my faith is strong enough for that kind of fire. I hate being so painfully honest with myself, but it is the truth.
Monday, July 2, 2012
We Need Support
There is an investigation tomorrow because of the new information that has been coming from the boys lately.
I am scared.
They don't like being alone with strangers, but I can't go with them.
They don't always talk about the abuse but this time they must.
They are sometimes confusing in the way they speak because they are toddlers.
The good news... I get to drive them there and wait for them to finish so at least they won't have to be taken away. They are opening up about it more easily than they were.
If you are reading this I want to ask you to pray for a miracle because, after all I have seen go wrong here, this will take a miracle. Pray that the boys will willingly walk away from me. Pray they will cooperate with the therapist who will be questioning them. Pray the therapist asks the right questions and pray the boys will be understood.
I feel like this is an all-or-nothing moment tomorrow. This will be the second time these allegations have been investigated. If there is not substantiation this time I feel I will be discredited. Please do not misunderstand. I am not worried about my reputation, I am worried that I am one of the few people Tyke and Tot trust enough to talk about these things, but that will be useless to them if I am relegated to Overreacting Foster Mom status.
My prayer tonight.
God of Heaven. Please, don't let this all be in vain. Please let these boys speak the words that will set them free. Please let those who have the authority to protect them listen to their words. Please be present in that place and in that room. I ask you to give the boys the ability to go to the interview without a trace of fear. I ask you to give the boys a heart of cooperation tomorrow. I ask that the right questions would be asked. I ask you that the right answers would be given. Amen.
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