Momentary Grief

I was curled up trying to sleep.  I am fighting a deep cough.  The kind I had when I was pregnant with her.  The position brings back the memory of coughing while I curled around my growing belly.  I could almost feel her still there.  My body can't do that anymore...  I felt a grief wash over me for this beautiful thing my body can't do.

I feel silly.  My house of full of children whom I adore, but my body cannot nourish a life within.  I have so much to be grateful for, but in the dark, for just a moment, I wonder why my body had to be this way.

Silly, I know...

Sibling Issues

I cannot even believe how much time I have spent solving sibling squabbles.   It can consume an entire day. 

I learned of Dr. Kevin Leman author of  Have A New Kid by Friday.  I saw his advice on sibling arguing on Focus on the Family's website.  In a nutshell it was to stay out of it.  That has been a huge relief for me already.  I am constantly getting pulled into the dumbest arguments.  Too many times I have applied time outs to an obvious offense only to find out later that an older smarter sibling was manipulating a younger child to a point of exploding in anger.  Oh, but the older ones can play it so innocent.  "He just hit me Mom,  for NO reason!" 

Siblings will compete if there is anyone who can declare a winner.  I am not going to do it for them.  I have kids come to report all kinds of offenses and everytime I an relieved when I remember the kindest thing I can do is stay out of the battle.

Home Improvements?

I have new flooring, new stairs and hand rails, refurbished cabinets.  It's been a 2 week long big push to get done.  It looks beautiful, but...

I have kids out of whack.  There is peeing beds again, hitting, screaming for attention, and an unnatural concern about food.  Like, when are we eating? We may have just eaten, but I'm pretty sure I'm hungry.  What are we eating?  What is that speck, food maybe?  Better try it to be sure... 

My kids are still not in a place where they can deal with me having other prioroties.  By Sunday we were all losing it.  We finished up our new handrail yesterday.  I have been much more focused on the usual things today and although the chaos is there it is lessening.  

Such a nice handrail...

Chasing the Carrot

I get this idea that I need to step it up and improve my parenting skills.  The accusing voice immediately comes up with 10 things I should be doing.  I lunge for that carrot.  I run and run and run and fail.  Usually this fail is great big compared to all the things I am trying to "fix."

I question God.  I believe the voice that says, "YOU are your children's biggest problem."  I start to feel hopeless and pointless and angry and sad.  I begin to despair.

The next part is my favorite part.  A messenger comes.  They remind me not to listen to the accuser.  They remind me that God does the work in them and in me.  It is not by our works that we are saved.

God sent the messenger sooner in this cycle.  I mean literally in day 1.  I am so grateful for all that I am NOT going to go through this time around.

I am learning something...  The carrot is a lie.  I am never going to look like the image of mothering perfection I hold in my mind.  My children won't ever measure up to any kind of perfection either.

We all need to do ourselves a favor and ignore the carrot.  That race is rigged and I will only hurt myself and my family trying to measure up to my vain imaginings.  My race is my own and the my instructions are to keep moving and keep my eyes on Him.

Amazing Grace

I prepared the feast and we all sat down.  It was just the seven of us and as I looked at all the precious faces around my table I was grateful.  There eyes were all full of peace and joy.  There has been so much struggle and growth.  There were times I thought there would NEVER be days like these. It can only be the amazing grace of my heavenly Father that has brought this day to pass.

We finished our dinner and sat down for Cy's newest idea for a game Deer, Deer, Turkey (Think duck, duck, goose).  We all played.  We all laughed.  How did this happen?  How does God put these broken people together and make us whole families?  We are imperfect and we are beautiful.  Thank you God for this masterpiece.

Waiting for Bureaucrats

Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return.  I can't see what they are doing.  I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed...  My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order.  Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us.  Everyone else can take their sweet time.

After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things.  We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us.  Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster.  I want the official forever stamp.

I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday.  I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most.  He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement.  Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.

Remembering Who We Are

I was talking with a good friend who got a way for a couple of days.  She has 6 kids and she is devoted to protecting and providing for them. Three of her kids have been adopted for just a little over a year.  As a result she rarely if ever glances up and takes a breath from meeting their needs.

I am the same way.  Babysitters happen only when absolutely necessary, and they are coached extensively.  We keep kids out of children's church because of behavior spirals.  We sit with them in Sunday School class.  We are asked to stay close to the classroom for Wednesday nights.  I deal with constantly coaching myself to parent in a way that will not create a downward spiral.  I constantly teach, nurture, correct, coach, and sustain little ones.  We participate in therapy.  Then there is laundry.  That deserves it's own section.  We are always about our childrens' needs. This is true of many mothers, not just moms in a foster or adoptive situation.  All day of nearly everyday is all about them, and that is a good thing, but... we forget who we are.  We sometimes even let their attitudes decide who we are today.

When my friend got away she said the same thing I did on my last little escape.  "I felt like I was just ME!"  There is something so rejuvenating about remembering who we are and what we love.  There is something refreshing about remembering that there is a fountain of laughter inside that wants to come out.  In the hard days of parenting we settle for finding ironic puffs of humor in the insanity, but that is not a fountain, that is a pitiful squirt. 

I am learning through this process that all of the mushy talk in the beginning, about making time for yourself in this process is actually incredibly important.  When we are constantly trying to get inside of our children's brains to help heal and grow, or just plain subvert the anarchy, we forget to remember who we are.  We have to remember that there is life after all of this crazy.

What makes me happy?  What energizes me?  Why am I just plain cute and fun?  Taking time a little time to do the things that bring me energizing joy leaves more of the best parts of me for my little ones and that can't be a bad thing.