Middle of the Night call

So we just got a call about an hour ago.  A home is needed for 3 boys.  A 1 year old, a 2 year old, and in a day or so a 4 month old (he's in the hospital and that's all I know so pray for him).  My husband is meeting the caseworker right now and picking them up.

We will skip over the fact that I am insane.  I also have major practical issues.  Like, I have 1 bottle.  ONE! The caseworker does not have any for them.  I have a pack and play and a toddler bed.  My daughter's big  bed will turn into a crib, but then we lose the mattress for a toddler bed.  I have one 5 point harness seat.  The caseworker is loaning us one.  I need about a hundred practical things.

Also, I should be resting but I can't because my life is about to go bonkerz.  I mean seriously who can REST when they have 5 of each size diaper in their house and three diaper butts on the way!  Ok, so probably no one is reading this at this insane hour, but please, please, please, pray for all involved here.  Yes, I do believe God has a sense of humor.  A dangled carrot.... Hah!

Oh yes, a final thought.  What will my children think when they wake up to find that everything changed while they were sleeping? 

Oh Man!

I got a call from a family finder.  "Will you take a 1 year old girl and 4 year old boy? " 
YES, YES, YES!
" I think we could do that.  Can you give me some more details?"  Sounding like I get a call for exactly the type of placement I want everyday of the week.  I was told about a couple health issues that were okay with my husband and myself.

So once we hung up the phone.  I got to cleaning and planning for the kids.  I let my Mom know so she could pray and I was praying.  "Lord, if these children should not come here please shut the door, otherwise prepare our family and prepare them."  I prayed this last time we were placed and I plan to pray it every single time.

1 hour later I get a call.  More information came to light and the children are going to be placed somewhere else because they qualify for a therapeutic home.  (We actually used to be therapeutic foster parents several years ago).  So I am grateful to God, because obviously he shut the door, and I am sad, because it feels like someone dangled a carrot and then took it away.  I don't want any children to come here that aren't sent directly by God into our specific care, but I want so much for our children to come here.  In any case I was feeling glad that even if these children were temporary it would keep my mind and heart busy...

Now its just any old day and I cut my walk with the kids short too!  I know I am pouting.  I will stop now.

Thank you Lord for protecting my family from a wrong placement.  Thank you for protecting those children from a wrong placement.  Help me wait.  Love you Jesus.  Sorry I feel like crying right now.  I still trust you though.

Me

Parting Gifts

From November 7th until just before Christmas I was sick with a terrible cold.  The worst I have ever had.  I went through 2 rounds of antibiotics and after the second round I finally dropped the illness.  As you know, if you have been reading, Frank, Middle, and Little were placed with us the week after Christmas.  Little came with a bonus...  He had a beautiful head cold.  Just before they left I started coughing again.  Little's parting gift for me was ANOTHER cold.  Fast forward to the end of January and I am STILL coughing.  This thing  just won't leave my chest!  I started typing a whine fest, but I deleted it.  I don't even want to listen to myself.  So if we were to get placed my biggest request is that I would be healthy and whole, and my Livvy too because she is sick now.

Our home study was forwarded to the adoption review team for the out-of-state sibling group I inquired about.  If we were chosen the recruiter said we would probably hear nothing until March. I would like to say we are waiting to hear something, but the truth is we may never hear another thing about this group.  I am just going to have to trust that everything will work out as it should.

This blog is going to be short.  My children want to be close today (As in practically on top of the laptop close)  and I can barely move to even type.  I love my babes, but Momma needs some breathing room!

Why does interstate adoption have to be hard?

I saw some children on www.adoptuskids.org that I would love to adopt last night.  They are in a different state.  I made the inquiry anyway, but I am learning that it can be very hard to be considered if you are not in the same state.

In a way I get it.  The system tries to help the kids keep their connections rather than having them experience yet another move and another loss.  I have also been told that caseworkers won't even look at your homestudy if you are out of state, and our state adoption specialist seemed to push me away from considering out-of-state adoption too.  Still I inquired, because when I saw these kids I felt electricity go through me.  Now, maybe I need to use more fabric softener on my blankets to help with static, but I felt something and I had to inquire.

So who knows?  I am sure of one thing.  If my children are across oceans, continents, mountains, or a teeny tiny state line it does not matter.  The Lord will build our family and he will handle the logistics of it all.  In my head though I am whispering "Please let the casworker consider us.  Please!  Please! Please!"

OK!  Where is the girl that knows begging doesn't change anything?  Where is the girl that KNOWS she does not want her will but rather the Lord's.  Well... She'll be back in a minute.  I saw some babies last night that made my heart beat so fast I took forever falling asleep.  I prayed for them.  For whoever their family will be, and yes, I prayed again for my babies to come home.

Until then, maybe I will see a hundred kids that make me excited, that make me pray, that make me surrender... AGAIN.  I suppose that's not such a bad thing.

Sneaky Sleepover

Remember me mentioning the kids wanting to do EVERYTHING together?  Well, we put them in their separate rooms and in their separate beds, and although we have enough beds to sleep ten people in this house, they chose the cozy comfort of a twin-sized bed.

Priceless

Geese in September

Before the geese part... Yesterday a chicken flew the coop.  A dog chased the chicken.  A boy chased the dog and then the chicken.  Mommy came out and with the help of a stalking kitty we rescued the chicken from itself.

Seriously, my life is so stinking fun.  I mean yes, Cy was crying, and it made us run late, and the chicken was in thorn bushes, and my 5 year old was trying to "help," but how do you do anything but laugh?

Yet, in the midst of chicken mania and full calendars I can't wait to add some more craziness.

Now I am changing the subject.  This is not allowed in writing, but this is my blog and unfortunately my brain...

A couple nights ago as I went to bed I prayed "God please, when will we adopt, how many what will they look like?!"  I thought  just maybe, God might just show me.

At some point in the night I had this very vivid dream.  My husband is holding Cy and Liv's hands.  I am pushing a stroller with a baby in it and holding on to Baxter's leash, while 3 speckled geese run around our feet as we stroll along a beach in Florida.  I tell Ryan we should leash our geese or we will lose them so he puts them on leashes.  We discuss vacationing in Florida in September and Ryan buys tickets for our vacation from a street vendor.  As we continue through the market and things get crowded the dog and the geese are all circling around my legs.  I say "This is getting crazy!" 

It was just so funny!  I woke up thinking, Okay God so we are adopting Geese in September???  My brain is so WEIRD!

An Admission

Do you ever get sad and have no energy for life?  Do you ever feel like it's all meaningless? I am an optimist by nature so this is rare for me, but last week I was really struggling with Depression.  There I said it.  It's something I did not want to admit.  For me it felt like I was somehow saying that all of God's blessings were somehow not enough.  I was so disgusted with myself and I was just praying to snap out of it.  I finally got the depression commercial where the woman is a walking wind-up toy.  That is exactly how I was feeling!


I clean the house because I am supposed to... Blah.
I do schoolwork because I am supposed to... Blah.
I attend this event because I am supposed to, I smile because I am supposed to, and I snuggle my babies because I am supposed to.  Blah.  Blah. Blah.

My husband made one teeny tiny comment about my lack of motivation around the home (trust me it was apparent!) and I got mad and then sad and it all just burst out on him, and he took it like the manly man he is and very simply told me my feelings were ok.

I have really struggled because I felt like it wasn't ok to be so sad about an empty house when obviously that is in the higher plan for now.  I did not want to mention it to myself or anyone else.  In a way he kind of set me free in that moment.  I felt free to be sad at least between Ryan and me.

I am doing much better this week, and I learned one little thing about myself that I am acknowledging and accepting.  I like having a full house.  I like having kids spend the day, the night, whenever!  Even if they don't talk to me, it fills something in me.  I love having friends over and sharing our lives.  I am happiest when I am with people.  I draw energy from interaction.  I know there are people that draw energy from quiet reflection but not me.

Now, how to put a nice bow on it all?  Through this process the Lord is teaching me about who I am and what I need.  I am learning about what encourages me and what an amazing man I married.  My husband is my best friend.  When I am low he doesn't yell at me to get out of the silly hole I am in; he comes and holds my hand (at the kitchen counter) and tells me its okay.    In some way that helps me to be okay again.