No blogging

No blogging today Zee is 3.  He NEEDS everything... now.

No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.

No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.

No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.

No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division  and has forgotten... everything.

No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.

No blogging today there's home to be kept.

No blogging today, there's life in the way.

Bringing Your Drama

   One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama.  At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama.  I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?"  It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family.  Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed. 

Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy.  I just wanted people to like us!  Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.

Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi.  We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day.  Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations

   One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church.  We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area.  Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit.  It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.

As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home.  The children's program has also worked very well for our family.  Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together.  How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.

Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi.  I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.

At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues.  That was a mistake. 

I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor.  Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him.  The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down.  Never did they call his family.  That was upsetting.   One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."

It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical.   As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment.  As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated.  Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.

I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story.  I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.

We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him.  Add to his history  his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.

Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue.  Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others.  He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.

By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray.  The way it all happened was unfortunate,  but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church. 

Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program.  Children are separated by age.  The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli.  I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big.  "Look at those big lights Chi!"  I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!"  I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are  lot of NICE people Chi!"  Chi calmed as we walked through this little process.  Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids. 

I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues.  She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time.  It was a great experience for all of us.  I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.

Bigger

I am short.  I have to stand up very tall to measure my full 5 feet tall.  I knew Cy and Liv were going to pass me eventually.  They aren't going to be super tall if the current trends continue, but they will pass me. 

My 2 youngest are growing like weeds.  They are going to pass me a lot sooner.  I can hardly keep Chi in shoes that fit and Zee wears 2 sizes larger than Cy did at that age.  Cy's hand was never so huge next to my small hand at 2 years old.

How big will they get?  It's one of many little parenting mysteries that is magnified by the adoption experience.   There are only 2 family members I have seen to help us make a guess.

I love my boys, and I want them to grow as tall and mighty as God wills, I just hope I can cradle them for a little while longer. 

Our Schedule

We have a unique schedule working with both families to get everyone's needs met.

A daily schedule often looks like this...

• Get everyone dressed
• Milk the goat
• Big Kids feed the dogs, the cats, the goats, the chickens, and the chicks.
• Have the Littles do their chores.
• Get breakfast.
• Clean up breakfast
• 20 minutes of silent reading for pre-k to 8th grade (The Littles love to look at books!)
• 10 minutes of journal writing
• push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching exercises for everyone (A little exercise makes everyone's brains work better.)
• History, Science, or Oral Reports (This varies based on the day.  We are using Magic School Bus episodes and America the Story of Us DVD's.  The 4 oldest answer worksheets based on their viewing, so they are forced to pay attention and I tailor-make worksheets for my 2nd and 3rd grader. The Littles just enjoy watching some television  and Obie takes in the most basic things like, we had a war with Britain once, germs make us sick, etc. 
• Math
• Spelling 
• Language Arts (This includes parts of speech, writing skills, and Vocabulary work)
• Reading Comprehension

From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able.  She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest.  She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch. 

After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time.  Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here.  Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.

Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week.  Whew!  I am tired just writing it all!

Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives.  She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids.  When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence.  Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.

My Crew

The gorgeous children you see in this photo are all the children I care for now.  We have my five, Cyrus, 10, Olivia, 8, Obadiah, 5, Malachi, 4, and Zebedee, 2.  Added to that number are my sister Deb's children Dante, 14, Alana, 12 Nadia, 11, and Jasmyn, 8.

Yes, I got her permission to blog about her family first.  :)

Remember we found this house with the large guest home?  I moved my sister in.  Her life had gone from bad to "how does she get up everyday!?" In a span of about 3 years.   My husband and I felt called to share our blessing with her.  We decided to hire her to help us so we could in turn help her.  This whole process began last March. 

I could have done an entirely different blog on that adjustment!  It was hard for her and it was hard for us to blend two chaotic families. In some ways we both felt like foster parents stretching our "normal" to accomodate the needs of many more people. 

God has been so present in all of it and he has brought our families more peace together than we could ever have had alone, but, I am not going to lie, there were some rough moments.

I am the teacher of 7 now.  THAT was an adjustment!  Our life is pretty cool and loud and sometimes hard, but I am so grateful to be sharing it with my sister and her children. 

But... Our newest reality is that I can't really afford to pay for help.  It has begun to be too much of a strain our finances.  My sister is looking for work and I am looking at stepping up more for this crew that I love so much.  I know God put us together and I know we will all continue together somehow. 

God just keeps growing my family and I am honored to have more to love.

Dust in the Sunlight

   One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary.  I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be.  I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.

   Oh how I longed to let go at times.  In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me."  I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good.  Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake.  I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains.   I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process.  I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.

   I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day.  Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye.  Did that really happen?

   The same can be said for the beautiful moments.  I could not hang on.  All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences.  Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love.  They are all behind me.  I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls.   Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins.  That is all memory.  Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.

   As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns.  I realize today's challenge is for today.  I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today.  I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like.  I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago.  I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up.  Today's joys also belong to today.  Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment.  I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.

   As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this.  It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window.  I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too. 

Beware the Know-It-Alls

I see posts all the time from so-called experts in adoption psychology and the holier-than-thou attitude they convey really sets my teeth on edge.  I have talked to too many Mommas who are at their wits end looking for answers to help their grieving and angry children.  They have discovered countless short-term solutions from these "experts."   If there is a stone they have overturned it looking for a way that truly makes a difference in the long-term. 

These Mommas are not uneducated about the grief and trauma their children have endured, they are super educated,  Maybe even over-educated because there are all of these books and blogs detailing how to deal with your adopted child and instead of helping to create a mother who knows SHE knows her child best, they create anxious and nervous Moms who question every single thing they do with their children.

The books and blogs tell us we don't know what we are doing, but wait!  Haven't there always been children experiencing trauma and haven't their always been people stepping into that trauma to try and help?  Should a child be allowed to stay hungry, without family, and without home just to prevent a parent misunderstanding a moment of grief as something else?

Why at this point in history have we decided that these children, who thus far have proven to be survivors, are now so fragile and breakable that we cannot even parent them for fear of doing it wrong? 

JUST STOP IT!

You are driving people away from these children instead of toward them.  You practically feel like you need a degree in psychology to parent an adopted child these days.

Guess what nervous Momma? YOU are or will be, a gift to your children.  It doesn't matter if you get mad sometimes when you should be understanding.   You love your child or maybe at this point you very much WANT to love your child or you wouldn't be adopting.  You are well on your way.

There is going to be hard stuff and there is going to be good stuff.  Keep praying and listen to that still small voice inside you.  Please stay away from the know-it-alls!  They drown out that voice. 
Proverbs 14:12 says,
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

You want to adopt?   You want to parent for that matter?  Just get your knees ready.  You won't have all the answers and there is no great society of know-it-alls with all the answers either.  You will need divine wisdom and a lot of grace for them AND for yourself.