Some Progress

I know I have complained a lot.  This has been really hard.  I just want to take a moment to say Thank You Lord!  There are some things going right.

• The boys have shared food with one another of their own free will.
• My older 2 are playing well with Tot and Tyke.
• Baby is on a good feeding and sleep schedule and is a very happy little guy.
• We actually ate out as a family today (That took some interesting managing, but it worked!)
• The boys have stopped trying to claw one another's eyes out every 15 minutes.
• We successfully went to church today and the boys actually spent 30 minutes in the church nursery without me.
• Bedtime is almost an easy affair now... Almost.

I am just so grateful for all the prayers.  Things are improving.  I hope and pray they continue that way.

If you could pray... Tyke has an interview tomorrow with a professional that will help him talk about some of the newer allegations that have come up.  At just 2 years old he alone has the most control over whether or not he will be able to be protected from those who would abuse him.  He can talk (in a very two year old way) and he has talked to me quite a bit. I am just praying he opens up tomorrow and it all comes out.  Please pray for Tyke.  I hate for him to have to relive it as I see him starting to blossom, but if he can't recount it to the right people than he could be put right back in harm's way again.

Trauma Triggers

Tyke and Tot have some trauma triggers that will send them in a spiral of acting out screaming, and otherwise making me feel like I am living in bedlam.  Here are a few:

• Small rooms
• Strangers
• Seeing food
• Seeing dishes
• Diaper changes
• Naptime
• Me holding/rocking someone else.

I am doing the best I can, but I must cook, they have to go to bed, I have to hold the baby, and I must change diapers.  Oh yes, and when you are involved with child services there is a plethora of strangers that want to "talk" to the little dumplings and it seems all things involved with Child Services so far involve us going into a small room.

Currently they are upstairs screaming.  Naptime lasted all of 20 minutes.   I don't think they slept.  I am just taking a moment so I can go in with a smile and patience.  I have NEVER needed more patience in my life.

I have read Mama Foster's blog where she goes and looks back over the last year and can see the growth and change in "Lizzie."  Yep, I can't wait for some of that.

My caseworker is awesome!

So I have a different caseworker and she seems to be awesome.  She genuinely cares about the boys and is concerned for their well being.

Here are some reasons she is awesome!

• She listened to me and valued my input.
• She is working hard to get us the resources we need to help the boys.
• She has put a stop to all visits until the next hearing because she can see it is causing harm.
• She is increasing the boys' score to reflect the fact that the actual needs of the children.
• She is actually keeping me in the loop on the development of the case.

So I just want to say a giant WOOHOO! for this woman. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know she is in our corner.  My husband said the same thing.  It is hard enough to deal with all of the effects of trauma, but it becomes nearly impossible when you feel ignored or condescended to.  Even though the issues are the same the weight that has been lifted is gigantic.

If any of you have been praying for our family and these boys, thank you, thank you, thank you!  I can only hope your prayers will help the judge to have wisdom at the hearing on February 28th.

And then God reminds me how much they need me...

Tyke let me know about another aspect of his life last night that completely dumbfounded me.   In that moment my bad day was nothing compared to the life he has led.  It was like God was telling me to stop thinking how hard this all was for me.  These boys have had few if any easy days.

Tyke has his bone scan and it was awful how terrified he was and it made me cry.  I don't want him to feel like big people are hurting him ever again.  I cried a little with him.  He would pull himself together and lay his head on me and then they would ask him to do another picture, and he would completely fall apart.  Poor baby.

I am thankful I have an awesome caseworker now.  She seems so concerned and wants to protect these boys.  The Lord is over all of this and I feel more at peace today...  I know these boys were rescued.  I just want them to stay rescued.

I had to come back and edit this post.  These boys don't need me they need the Father.  I am not up to this task, but He is.

Changes

You may notice some changes in pictures on this site.  I have to protect my family and any foster children that come.  I felt the current pictures made us easily identifiable and also make it hard for me to be honest about the reality of things.  I will try to get more pictures up soon.

Here is one with me holding Baby's hand.  Oh how sweet he is.

Today has been awful.  There is so much I need to get done, but I just need to let it all go here.  The house is finally quiet.  The boys have seemed very volatile since a visit with Mom on Friday.  Just when I thought I had it figured out how to get them off to sleep with a minimum of screaming and raging we are back to 45 minute sessions again.

I feel bad for them, but with 3 children under 3 alternately and together filling every single waking moment with dysfunctional behavior I am feeling ragged.  The weird thing is I love them so much already.  I never want them to go back.  The things that I suspect they have suffered... Well, I won't even post them here, but they are horrendous.  I can therapeutically parent all day long, but I don't have 3 of me and I don't want to be angry with them, but I feel it from time to time.

It's like,  Can you just STOP?  Stop raging, stop hitting, stop biting, stop trying to hurt the baby, stop trying to hurt whoever is in arms reach, stop freaking out if you even see a spoon that makes you think of food.  STOP!
I know they can't because they are little and someone or many someones did pure evil to them, but this Mama needs some peace.

It's my husband and son's birthday and I can't even get time to bake a cake or wrap a present.  There isn't enough of me left to make their day special and I am sad about that.

So God, could you help me?  Since I am not enough and you are more than enough can you come in here and rescue this day?  I need you Father.  I always knew I couldn't do this without you and today is proving it in triplicate.  Lord, come and soothe these boys, bless my husband and son, and give me some strength and joy for this day.
Amen

Need to Vent

If you are dreaming of going into foster care and you are imagining the warmth of loving a child in need I want to present a real picture of what that can look like.  Here is what it looks like currently.  Caution... This post contains strong words!

I will preface this by saying I have been a foster parent before and never have I cared for more traumatized children.  Never.

On food issues...

•   Even taking an empty plate away sends them into a spiral.
• They try to eat things that aren't food
• They will pick at anything that falls to the floor.
• There is screaming for more at every meal.
• There is eating until vomiting.

On terror issues...

• There are obvious physical marks of abuse on them.
• They are terrified to be left alone.
• They are terrified of new people.
• They are terrified of a hairbrush (Explanation: I got a hairbrush to do my daughter's hair.  They saw it and spiraled down from there).
• I can't even possibly write all they are terrified of.

There is violence... Yes, violence with a 1 and 2 year old.

• They attack eachother with fists and nails and teeth.
• They will attack me (although not as much now).
• They will take on a full grown man.  There is nothing but sheer terror and fight or flight happening.
• They hold toy guns to your head or each other when they are mad.  "I will kill you!"

The things they say...

• I will hit you!
• I will shoot you!
• I'm a little shit.
• My ________ is a Stupid Bastard
• My Momma slaps me.
• Don't touch that baby I hit you with a phone!

So far, I have heard "the system" plans to send them to a family member next week.  Although this family member has a criminal history and is in close contact with the family members that have done so much harm.  She may have even done some harm herself if Tyke is right in his ramblings.  Still, I can't feel upset about it. Family has to be given priority. I have gotten the brush off every time I try to bring up that there are more issues than the hospitalized baby.  The nice doctor who got to meet the boys yesterday and deal with the reality of that terror all trapped in one room told me he plans to call the hotline and report the additional issues he sees.  I thank God for him and hope he follows through.  I was instructed specifically NOT to call the hotline to report any more issues because with Tyke being so young these things cannot be proven.  So the way I understand it is.  Until you are old enough to tell a grown up specifically who is hurting you and why, you cannot be protected.

I am glad they are here and safe for now.  It is a lot of work, but someone has to take up their cause.  Please, please, please pray for these boys.  I am afraid they will send them back.  The scars, and marks, and desperate cries for help will all be ignored by "the system" that was designed to protect them.

I know as a foster parent before that you can "advocate" at the top of your lungs and sometimes be punished for it.  But I also know that God is above all.  He is over all, and that these boys' angels see the face of the Father as the Bible says.  Would you please pray with me?  Can we please cover these boys in prayer together?

Progressing

Well, life is nuts here of course.  The boys are so tiny and so hurt.  I was able to pick up the baby from ICU yesterday.  He is doing well in spite of everything and he is even grinning at me right now.  I wish you could see him.  You would cry.  The marks.... They break my heart.

So we have just been so blessed by friends.  We have 2 cribs and a pack and play set up.  We have been giving clothing, diapers, wipes, meals, bottles, formula, bedding, baby food, car seats, high chairs, booster seats, and more.  I am so blessed by the love people are showing for these boys.

The system is hard.  I do not know if someone will be getting these boys tomorrow, in two weeks, or not for a very long time.

"Baby", is so sweet.  He's actually a very easy baby.  He loves to smile and get a smile back.  He fusses when he is hungry or tired.

"Tot" the 1 year old has a sweet and tender side, but he can attack ferociously too.  He loves to be cuddled and he always says "No" even when he means yes.  For example... "Tot, do you want me to pick you up?"

    "No!"  and he walks toward me with his arms raised.

"Tyke" the 2 year old is mad.  He wants to cuddle and laugh and dance.  Then he catches himself.  His grief is the most fierce.  He understands enough to know that none of this makes any sense.  He has marks too and some pretty graphic language for such a tiny little guy.  He has seen a lot and been through a lot.

Baby, Tot, and Tyke are so much work, but I am glad they are here and safe.  That's what we tell Tyke when the grief is strongest.  We tell him we love him and that he is safe. There is court tomorrow.  I don't want these babies just shoved to the next "free" place.  They need to be protected. Please pray for them, and that the Lord will give the judge great wisdom and that all that has happened will be brought to the light...   and please pray for me as well.  5 kids this young is a lot, but I know the Lord brought them here.