Sibling Conversations

Talking about adoption is open in our home.  Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life.  Two of my children do not.  Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.

Here are a few examples.  There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time.  I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist.  I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want.  Later." And we do talk about it.

Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom.  So annoying...  So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!"  I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.

If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?"  I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?

Then there is Cy.  He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family.  He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar.  He says in a baby voice,  "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..."  This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word.  When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel.  Do I say something and make Cy feel bad?  Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?

My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!"  Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.

Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about  their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy!  Mommy is MY Mommy!"  Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts.   I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.

My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy.  You are both right!  This I say with a big smile and an excited voice.   Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.

I get so scared of messing this up sometimes.  There are so many people I need to help sort it all out.  I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me.  I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?

I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family.  I just want to do a good job.  You know?!

Malachi

I know that I used to post a lot about my struggles with Chi.  He is in such a better place now.  He still struggles.  He still needs zero wiggle room when it comes to boundaries and rules, but he is doing so well.

I could rehash 30 issues we have dealt with this week, but that is not the story of his life now.  His story now revolves around his emerging ability to safely connect with the world around him.

Chi can say, "I love you," and now he means it.  He is not mimicking he is communicating.  Chi can meet my eyes now and we can share a moment.  The connected moment can still send him for a loop, but his loops are smaller now.  Chi can smile softly now and not every smile is a tight, near grimace spread across his face.

Chi can play appropriately for a period of time without constant correction and redirection.  Chi can participate in some group activities now. 

I cannot compare him to other kids his age, but my sweet Chi is making progress and we are headed in the right direction.