Is it okay to have a Christmas wish even when you are pretty confident in the silliness of it? Well, here is my wish... I wish the phone would ring and someone on the other end would say, "We have little ones for you. Can we bring them right away?"
Last night I dreamed I was looking for a sign. Looking for the little child that might be mine. I was in a store and I saw a little boy in a checkout line. I thought, "There he is!" I look on adoption websites all the time. I can't sleep for thinking there may be some stone I have not turned over, some line of thought that needs more exploring. What is wrong with me? I have such a sense of urgency about this and it doesn't make sense. The Lord has given me children. I am not alone and if he never does another thing for me I am blessed far beyond what I deserve.
I do not like feeling like a failure in the patience department either. This inability on my part to set something off to the side and just... Oh I don't know... enjoy the holiday, it really frustrates me. I am looking forward to Christmas morning with my babies. I love my family and our home, but for some reason knowing the Lord wants us to adopt makes this Christmas feel incomplete. I feel that we are not all here. The rest of my family is "out there" somewhere and they don't even know me or the way I already love them even though I have never seen, or touched, or heard their voices.
So I guess, really my Christmas Wish, or prayer really is for Peace and Joy to wrap around my family's celebration of the King's birthday. That is where I need to be, and Christ, who has given so much, can give me that as well.
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